LS:
Do you often try to face the worst possible scenario so that you won't be disappointed?
I recognize that coping technique, because I use it all the time. Go for the worst -- adjust to it -- then see what happens. If the worst happens, you're already adjusted to it. If anything less happens, its GOOD news!

When my second child was due I wanted a girl so badly that I told anyone and everyone that I was SURE it would be another boy. And I painted her room blue.

Yes. Busted.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Is it an Irish thing? Because it seems like that's how my grandparents lived

(it's good to know I'm not the only one...)

Hey LS,
I am sort of the same way on the preparing for the worst. You've been on my mind a lot today- saw a lot of Vibes, so lots of prayers went up for you today.

Just wanted to tell you that you are awesome and you are really making progress on your personal journey - at least it seems that way from the posts.

Onward and Upward!

I'm right there with ya!

But do you see what we do to ourselves? Get all worked up over a *possibility*.

I suppose its an effort to control the outcome or the reaction to the outcome. Not sure.

But I know I'm trying to keep my stress to the known threats instead of ALL of them....lol.

it is the "what if" anxiety loop

if in our own minds we worry

"well, what if (event) happends?"

the trick is to finish the sentence ....

"If that (event) happends I will pick myself up and deal with it at that time the best way I can"

here's something kewl <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
the OLDER you become, the easier this becomes

because you base this confidence on your past experiences and what you've learned in life .... your emotional-resources tool-box just gets bigger and bigger

"He who expecteth little will not be disappointed"--motto of the Cubs fan.

Lots of what you say and are going through resonates with me. Maybe it's a case of

I want to DO something because right now It is wrong. I know that DOing something won't help. I will THINK about it. Maybe there is something that I missed. Maybe I will think of something that I can DO so that things can be right again.

Keep doing the MB thing. Resist the urge to DO something. Be patient. Be still. Keep busy. Find other things to think about for the "mindless" times. Count the blessings you have now. You are okay, and you will only get better.

(((LS)))

LilSis...

I think of you EVERY SINGLE TIME that I hear this song-I've been meaning to tell you for awhile now...I have actually begun to think of it as "The Lil Sis Theme Song"-has someone on this thread already mentioned this song? Was it planted in my brain that way or did it come to me all by itself? Dunno...But, to me it represents a song of hope of all the good things to come in the future...no matter how unknown that is...(((LilSis)))

Mrs. W

"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

Mrs. W: I've NEVER mentioned it...but it is on my iPod...and it has had a special significance to me lately...I LOVE it. Thank you for thinking of me, and now I will think of you everytime I hear it!

sd: I read your posts and sometimes think that we are in a very similar "place." Both with the urge to DO, both with the need to fix, both with the second-guessing, both with the triggers, both hanging in there. But honestly, what you have to deal with regarding the kids makes my stomach turn; I cannot imagine being in your position.

Lex: I agree; it has to do with the control thing somehow. For me, probably attempting to control my reaction, as in bracing for an outcome that I don't want, OR even controlling others...needing others to assure me that it's NOT true. (As in 8th grade: "I'm so fat!" To which friends reply: "Oh, no you're not!! You are SOO skinny!")

So since I am no longer in the 8th grade, it's probably time to drop that coping technique.

But in other ways, I still am in the 8th grade...unable to believe that I will be ABLE to pick myself up and deal with it at the time (as Pep says). My own assumption that I will fail is ridiculous and flies in the face of evidence to the contrary. Realistically, the 39-yo LilSis KNOWS that I will make it...but it requires a change in mindset. From being fearful...to being confident.

It also helps to lower others' expectations of ME, if I am setting everyone up that I will fail or do poorly, and then I do slightly better than average...it equates to knocking their socks off. Does that make sense?

This whole thing is me really shining a light on some ugly stuff, here. I'm not offended if you need to look away. Kinda like childbirth.

Thus I go back to BR and SL's thing...what is the most frightening thing that could happen, and how likely is that?

When I stop looking at what it is that I FEAR, and start looking at the REALITY, or the likelihood that that fear will be realized...I tend to do better. Then I can sort of laugh at the fear.

This leads to contentment, because by laughing at the fear, I acknowledge that I can--and HAVE--dealt with some pretty awful stuff...and I'm okay. I continue to be okay. Not always great, but okay. I'm doing what needs to be done. My kids are happy. What else matters?

What's interesting is that I don't have that kind of pessimism in regular life. When I was pregnant, I assumed everything would be fine. I never considered that anything would be wrong with the baby. When I got married, I assumed WH was THE ONE for me. I never second guessed that one, either. It's more typical when it's about ME...about my worth or how well I measure up to some standard.

MF: I bet you never noticed how many Vibes there were around, did you? I don't think I did, until you mentioned that some time ago, and I began noticing them all over... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hosted the poker girls here tonight for beer and brats on the patio...and I'm up $1.30 after tonight's action!!! Fun, fun, fun.

More ramblings and jumping around here tonight....

Pep,
I'm right with you! I love being the age I am now (52 BTW). Life is just so much more...what's the word...settled? That's not it. Peaceful maybe? Not as far as lack of crises or troubles, but in the way I deal with them.

LilSis,
I was thinking of you last night connected to a song, also. It's one I really like. I was watching a rerun of "Enterprise", and this is what they use for the theme:

Where My Heart Will Take Me
It´s been a long road, getting from there to here.
It´s been a long time, but my time is finally near.
And I can feel the change in the wind right now.
Nothing´s in my way.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they´re not gonna hold me down.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe.
I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul.
And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star.
I´ve got faith, I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long night. Trying to find my way.
Been through the darkness. Now I finally have my day.
And I will see my dream come alive at last.
I will touch the sky.
And they´re not gonna hold me down no more, no they´re not gonna change my mind.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe.
I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul.
And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star.
I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

I´ve known the wind so cold, and seen the darkest days.
But now the winds I feel, are only winds of change.
I´ve been through the fire and I´ve been through the rain.
But I´ll be fine.

Cause I´ve got faith of the heart.
I´m going where my heart will take me.
I´ve got faith to believe.
I can do anything.
I´ve got strength of the soul.
And no one´s gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star.
I´ve got faith, I´ve got faith, faith of the heart.

It´s been a long road.

This song often played in the back of my mind when I was having a rough day.

SHOL

(((LilSis))

Have many pages to read to catch up. (lol)

Just wanted to chime in about the divorce being final when the ink is dried. So much growing will happen in the next couple of months. And I'm still where you are at... just because WH had second thoughts, he didn't drop the divorce he's just holding off.

Still

SHOL: That's a good one, too. WH is a huge Star Trek fan, but neither one of us ever got into Enterprise. I remember really liking that theme song...but never saw the lyrics. They do fit, don't they?

Just an observation: This week is the first week of no school for the boys, so presumably I wouldn't be driving the gauntlet from school to downtown anymore, right? Well, to get to downtown, it's either drive the gauntlet (the main drag thru WH's patrol area) or drive past the coffee shop where RT works.

I'll opt to drive the gauntlet. I do not wish to become physically ill with a potential RT sighting, or worse, a cruiser parked in front.

So the last two mornings...again, the first days that I shouldn't be driving that way...cruiser is parked at the fire station.

I'm telling you...he avoided being there when he expected me to drive by. I don't know why...I suspect he is trying to be "nice" by not shoving his presence in my face. Gag.

Another thing that I don't get is why he would think I'm not working. He's the one who included in the settlement papers that I should be working full time, and he wanted his CS factored on what I would be making if I were FT, regardless of whether or not I choose to work that many hours.

Clearly no thought was given to what the boys would be doing while I'm at the office 40 hours per week. I guess they will get themselves to and from school, and tend to themselves once they get home, and in the summer they can just run wild.

I know this is all very non-Plan B of me to think about. I'm not worked up about it...sort of an, "oh, that's interesting" reaction. I can't begin to fathom the brain of a WH. And I am SOOO clueless on what is going on in his life. The kids say nothing, and clearly they wouldn't have a clue anyway. In that way, I am very, very dark...in both directions. I don't know what he's doing, and he hasn't seen or heard from me.

DS11 said that he told MIL/FIL that I missed dad. I don't know what all the boys say...and I don't feel comfortable telling them not to discuss me with WH, FIL or MIL. That's too much pressure for a kid. The only thing I asked them to be completely quiet about was the fact that I am on the MB website. I just told DS11 that it was because the stuff I write on here is very personal and private (let's hope he doesn't think too much about that one...being the internet and all).

Sigh.

Anyway...today is a beautiful day and DS8 and I are going for a walk in the park. I have to walk past the coffee shop to get to the park...ugh...I will not look for her car, but it is very hard to miss a cruiser parked on the street.

DS8 went with me to a breakfast meeting and I'll work from home this afternoon. I really want to spend some quality DS8/mom time today.

Bad dreams last night. I hate that. I wake up at 4:30, all disconcerted and out of sorts, and it's still pretty dark...

It reminded me of those long nights last summer when I would only sleep for four hours. Thank God back then I didn't know how bad things would get...

That's not going to happen this time...I'm on the way back. This summer will be better than last summer, and next summer will be better than this one.

Right?

I am going to need some help the next couple of days. The boys are leaving tonight; WH is picking them up at 8:30 so they can leave bright and early for Fargo. They will be gone until the 24th.

That is a really, really long time to be without them. I will miss them so much, and I know that I will feel at a loss. It's one thing to have a night to myself every couple of weeks, but 10 days? It aches.

Also frightening me is the unlikely possibility that RT will be along for part of the ride. Her family is in Wisconsin, and WH and the boys are taking the ferry across Lake Michigan to shorten the trip somewhat, and to have the experience.

There's nothing I can do about that, I realize, but I do know that it would be an ugly situation for the boys. (this happened in my dream, which is probably why it's bugging me now)

Also, the little town where the ferry departs is the town that WH and I made our get-away to right after D-day to "reconnect." We spent a couple of days there; one of the evenings we walked out on the pier and watched that old ferry depart for her evening run, then watched the sunset.

I would say I was doing a Plan A at that point...why couldn't I have kept that up? I guess I wasn't meant to. I knew nothing about withdrawl, and I didn't have a clue why he was so hot and cold.

Arrrgh....just feeling down, dreading saying good-bye to the boys, dreading the quiet evenings. I'm scheduling lots of activities, but the boys will still be gone, no matter how busy I am, I will feel their absence.

Picking up DS11 this morning, post DC. Poor kid...he's such a little homebody, and here he won't even be able to spend one night in his own bed before he's off again. He told me on Saturday how he really feels like he's not going to just be "home" enough over the summer, with Fargo, Cape Cod and then the cottage. Of course it will be fun, all of it, but I know that feeling....

Oh, Sis, I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult night. I received this link in an email the other day and just had a chance to listen to it this morning. I thought of you immediately and wanted to share it with you.

Interview with God

It will get better......KNOW that.

Fox

This really made me laugh because it is so true. I had no idea that it could get so much worse, and then to hear that recovery is where the fun REALLY begins--yikes.

Keep up the good fight, Sis. Having the kids around the OP is, in the end, one more thing we can't control. Gotta let go of it.

Woh...too much to caught up on in my state of mind...

Must get air...please help...must breathe...laugh...and follick....

Oh, I'm sorry, I was thinking of "MY" marriage...back to reality...as scheduled! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey, SIS! was just thinking about you and popping in to say hi! Thank you for all of your support... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll be more attentive sometime soon! LMAO

LilSis,

I'm catching up on your adventures, and I notice that you say your little man is a "home body." I just discovered this site today that has helped me SO MUCH in dealing with my three introverted kids/steps: www.theintrovertzcoach.com. The whole site is about raising introverted children and they actually have kids WRITE about what they thought or felt...it was VERY helpful!!!!

Soooo...with the boys gone until the 24th what does LilSis have planned for herself? What are you going to do that is "just for you"? I suggest putting your shoes in the MIDDLE OF THE ROOM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> and THROWING TOWELS ON THE FLOOR IN THE BATHROOM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> heehee. In real life, on the rare occasions when DH's exW visits with the kids and we have time to ourselves, I almost always write in my journal...get myself coffee and croissant for breakfast (my fav!)...paint my toenails...have a Frank Sinatra and candles bubblebath...read that book I've been meaning to get to...all without lifting a finger to cook or clean or do a dish!!!

Finally, I had a thought today that reminded me of you and all the killer bees. I have a flower bed at my front door. In my flower bed I have planted mums and violets and snapdragons. My daughter saw me weeding in the flower bed today and she said to me, "Mom, how do you know which ones are weeds and which ones are flowers?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> My response: "Because I planted them. I know each flower personally. I know their leaves...their blooms...and their location. If I don't recognize it and I don't KNOW plant, it's a weed." And that made me realize something. You know how often we ask the question "How am I supposed to know when it's time to accept the D and just move on? How am I supposed to trust that God knows when He keeps it a secret from me?" Well, LilSis...I know the answer now. He planted us!! He knows every leaf and every bloom, and He knows where we are supposed to be in the garden. Sometimes we get ourselves tangled up with a weed, and the weed even looks kinda good and has a little weedy bloom on it. But God knows that it's a WEED. When He plucks it out of our life, it might hurt to disentangle ourselves from the weed, but ultimately he pulls the weeds so we can GROW and THRIVE and PROSPER. He's a good gardner.

Your mama bee,



CJ

CJ-
I really liked your garden analogy... it is so true. When you pull a weed that is really close to a good plant, their roots sometimes get damaged, and it takes time for it to recover. But is DOES recover, it builds more roots, except now the plant is stronger, because the weed is not taking nourishment away from the plant.

So true. Very clearly put.

LS- I suggest that you start to think positive about everything. I can be a 'expect the worst, and be thrilled with ANYTHING better than the worst". Which seems like a good plan.

UNTIL... you think too much negative. You start to put little kinks in plans, that you did not realize, just because you expected there to be kinks.

I am trying to not be that way anymore, and it has been a better way to be. I try to think more positively, and it does help. I trust that what is going to happen, that should happen, is going to... and that has calmed my urge to 'fix' things.

Don't sweat the small stuff. I know it can be hard to let go, but try. Just thing about the things that really matter. The most important things. And it will be ok.

This is a quote I stumbled upon a long time ago:

"worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair- it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

How true is that?

You should enjoy having LS time when the boys are gone. Do what the others suggested. Read a book, go for walks, visit friends, family. Go to the bookstore, buy some new clothes. Whatever makes you happy. Do the things that you wish that you could do if you had more time.
And you will benefit from it.
And so will your kids.

Hang in there... you are a powerhouse!

I've been doing a LOT of thinking, guys.

Primarily....who am I?

I've always identified myself in terms of my relationships to other people (see my moniker). Truth is, I'm replaceable. Honestly, we all are. There are what? A billion people in the world? I was replaceable as a wife. I am replaceable as an employee, I'm replaceable as a friend. And although not in the same way, I am replaceable as a Mom, daughter and sister.

If I had none of those relationships to define me, who would I be? It's a pretty lonely and frightening thought, a reality that becomes more clear sans kids, as I am now.

Who am I?

I'm a woman. Whop-di-do. Me and 50% of the world's population. Other than that, what makes me unique, special, different, irreplaceable? Biologically and emotionally and mentally...nothing. Spiritually, maybe...but that's pretty existential.

I really resent the fact that I have to deal with this whole question right now. As if I don't have enough questions in my life.

It's a vicious cycle. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want (or perhaps more accurately, what I think I want is not available to me), so I don't know which way to go or what to DO to move forward.

I need to get out of this rut. I can't just let each day "happen" forever. At some point I need to start looking ahead, set my sights on something that's attainable. I need that motivation.

This pattern has been what has allowed me to be successful my whole life. Set a goal, work for it, attain it, always look for opportunities to improve, be more efficient. If something's not working, switch gears. I'm the ultimate DO-er. Without a goal, I'm floundering, I'm stuck. I really don't know how else to BE.

This living day-to-day is exhausting, because it seems so fruitless, like I'm getting nowhere, one direction one day, another direction the next. I want to pick a point on the horizon and start moving. No matter how rocky the terrain, it's got to be better than standing around getting nowhere fast.

The boys being gone just shined the light on this for me. I have something planned for every day that they are gone...but it's just stuff with various friends to keep me occupied and busy, with work mixed in.

It's not a direction. It's just treading water. It's day to day, it's not a life. It's aimless, it's not purposeful.

I want a peace-filled, joyful, contented life, too. I want to MAKE it happen.

How do I do that, from where I am now? I don't even know what a peace-filled, joyful, contented life LOOKS like from the perspective of a nearly-divorced, single mom. I have no context for that in my life. It was not a lifestyle that I have experience with or envisioned for myself (not that any of us did).

So I sit here, trying to get a heading on my internal compass, but I don't even know where I'm supposed to be headed. I don't even know if my motivations are legitimate. Am I trying to save my marriage because I still have feelings for H? or is it because I am afraid of any one of a thousand different things (being alone, financially insecure, etc.)? or because I don't want the boys to grow up without an intact family?

And if I stop TRYING to save my marriage, then what am I supposed to DO? What's the alternative? There's no roadmap for this place in the little "book of life" that I've cobbled together over the past 39 years.

All of my other "life challenges," school, parent dying, jobs, children, a wedding, breast-feeding...these are all twists and turns that were not always happy, not always easy, but they were all--to a degree--EXPECTED. There was SOMETHING in my "book of life" about them. I had some "place" to put those experiences, some knowledge that they might be issues that I would encounter.

My bad for not being prepared for an A, right?

Ahhhh...anyway...rambling again.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

I know kind of how you feel, Lil Sis. It DOES seem pointless. But it won't always be like that. You are in a transition period right now, a limbo. It won't feel pleasant.

I suggest you do some fun things with friends, and try something you always wanted to do, but haven't had the time - something different.

((Lilsis))

I wanted to share something I read when I was in a place similar to where you are now. It's from "In Every Pew Sits A Broken Heart" by Billy and Ruth Graham's daughter also named Ruth.

It's from the chapter titled Learning to be still during times of uncertainty.

"Remember, you do not know what God has planned for your future. You have no idea what this plan requires in the way of preparation. God never takes on anything before it has been prepared, and our destinies depend not only on the work God wants to do in us personally but also on the coming together of people, events and opportunities. God must prepare all of these as well, so he can lead us into greater maturity in Christ and toward fulfillment of his purposes"

And she concludes that paragraph with this verse:

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him. 1 Cor. 2:9

I am still in that place of waiting to see what God has planned for me next. I thought maybe after everything was over-God would open up the next path I was going to take but no maps have arrived. Yet, I know that he is preparing a plan for me and will reveal it at the best time. And for the first time in my life-I'm okay waiting.