((((SIS)))




Sis...getting to this place has taken me MANY MANY YEARS...and I'm still GROWING..THANK GOD...

I wasn't doing half as well as you when I was in your position...

You have suffered a SERIES OF MAJOR LIFE TRAUMAS..

It's gonna take lots of TIME for you to HEAL...

I know I speak abruptly these days...

I don't know what happened to my patience...so sorry if it sounds like I'm snapping at you...

To show you how far ahead of me you are, I'm thrilled with myself TODAY for JUST going ALONE to a LARGER CITY just about an hour away...it was a such a FUN ADVENTURE for me...I seldom if ever have done such a thing..out and about SOLO.. and I'm almost 53..YOU WENT ALL THE WAY TO DC with your family...you're planning your summer trip..I've never even MOWED A LAWN..NEVER...I admire you...I was SOOO DEPENDENT on my H...

YOU ARE YOU..there's not ANOTHER YOU and NEVER WILL BE...

((((Sis)))

Who are you.... you are a wonderful lady who has helped...yes helped many of us here. By being able to put your feeling (feelings which we all have) so eloquently into words.

LilSis... if I ever met you in the real world I know I would want to be friends with you.

God bless you and bring you direction and peace.

Thinking of you tonight.

Still

There are many things in your life that you can make happen, but I don't think this is one of them. IMO, a contented life is something that grows over time, with God's help.

Now, anybody can make it not happen, and can hold onto discontent and turmoil for all their lives. I don't see that in you. I just see someone who is in the growing process - an uncomfortable part to be sure - but who is on their way to something really great.

It was so funny today, when I let my little Dervish play a computer game. It was Diner Dash, or something similar. You try to serve the customers their orders fast so you get bigger tips, running all over to put everything together and serve them.

My niece pointed out to him that one of his customers was really mad, and about to leave. Calmly clicking away at burgers and fries, the Dervish replied, "He just needs ta learn ta be patient." (You'll never guess where he has heard that line, over and over and over again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

So keep on being patient with yourself. Unfortunately you can't just hurry up and learn to be patient, lol. If you could, I'd be a lot more patient myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Peace and patience are among the fruits of the Holy Soirit, and just like any fruit, it doesn't all appear overnight. I just want to encourage you that you are doing really well with what you've been given to deal with.


You're in the fire right now, but someday I promise that you will look back on this and give thanks to the Lord for what He accomplished in your life through this tragedy.

{{{{Sis}}}}}}}

Maybe we are all just like pieces of a puzzle.

When we are born, we start out as a square or a cube, with some indistinguishable colors. Slowly, throughout our lives, we are transformed. Some edges grow outside the original perimeter; some parts are carved away. The growth, the change, the carving away…some of it feels good…some of it is agonizing.

It takes a lifetime for the transformation to be complete. Some of us are complete more quickly than others; their lifetimes seem to us to be abbreviated, but they are complete nonetheless…all of the growing and carving away is done. You are ready when you are ready; only God knows when that is.

It’s not until the end of our lives that we are perfectly formed to fit—with absolute and total precision—within the context of the huge puzzle: God’s masterpiece. We each have our unique spot in that puzzle, and God has our perfect spot all picked out…who will be around us, who we will interlock with, who we will be far from, how our colors blend and meld. Every piece is significant, every piece is necessary, every piece is unique, and every place has its perfect spot.

We have no idea, not a clue about our place in that puzzle, nor what the picture is that we are creating. All we know are our colors--those remain constant--and our edges--those are being sculpted throughout our lives. We may try to fit ourselves in with different pieces…and it looks like it may be a perfect fit…but in the end it is not, because God still had some carving or growing to do on one or the other of us. Some pieces that we interlock with find their place in the puzzle long before we do. Those pieces are done; just waiting for us to join them and be forever part of God’s beautiful masterpiece.

You know that I’m all about imagery. Without an image, I have a hard time conceptualizing anything. “God’s plan” has seemed like one of those things that is so elusive to me. What friggin’ plan? Where’s the plan? What’s the point in all of this? Why are so many people suffering so? Why are innocent two-year-olds hit by cars; why are beloved dads eaten away by cancer? How can any of that be part of any Godly “plan”?

Maybe they were just perfect. God had their spot picked out at the beginning, and they were put into place when the time was right; when their piece needed to be put into place so that others could fit around them.

I guess even the ugliest and most hideous of us have our place in the puzzle, just as the most compassionate and saintly have theirs. Some of us are more jagged; some of us are more smooth. Some of us are brightly colored; some of us are dark. Some of us are bigger than others, interlocking with many other pieces, having a dominant place in the grand scheme; some of us are smaller, but without which the puzzle would never be complete. There are extremes, to be sure, but most of us are somewhere in the middle.

Although the beauty of the final masterpiece is indecipherable to us now, when we take our place, we can finally see the picture that is emerging…the wonder of it all.

Maybe my difficulty has been in thinking of God’s plan as more linear, rather than two- or even three-dimensional.

What prompted me in this were all of your comments from last night. That I’m still growing, I’m still grieving, I’m still healing…. essentially that I’m not done yet. These edges of me not yet perfectly formed. That I can’t know how God’s going to work it all out, how I’ll fit in, but there IS a place for me….a perfect place, one that is significant to his masterpiece.

Sis,
You ask the eternal question..."Who Am I?" There are so many ways to answer this. You are mother, wife, daughter, friend, lover, etc. and on and on.

No, your situation is not unique. All the better I say. You are part of a patchwork, that we are all a part of. You are sister--to many more than you think. So stop asking about who you are and just live. Some of your questions may never be answered, but trying to find the answers is the journey.

You do sound like you have had a Eureka moment, very similar to what I experienced a couple of months ago. Even in recovery, I still use what I learned during Plan B. There are no DJ's around here. I may speculate what PWC MAY be thinking, but I never apply a line of thinking to him. He will reveal things to me as this goes on. I know now, more than while in Plan B, that this is going to be a long leg of our journey. I almost miss Plan B. There's safety there, away from the pain and anger.

I just caught up on things this morning, on your thread. You sound really good, Sis. I know you may not feel that way, but you have come a loooooong way.

There is a place for you, however imperfect it may be. Your puzzle piece may have frayed edges, or the paper coating holding your part of the picture may peel up on an edge, or your little extended pieces may bend, but you will still fit, along with all of the other frayed pieces. Now, if you stand very closely to the puzzle only focusing on your piece, and then slowly step back, regardless of the conditions of the adjoining pieces, a picture still emerges. You are a part of a much bigger picture; that is who you are.

Sis

Your post reminds me of a quote I wrote in my journal a while ago:

"And now, with God's help, I shall become myself." Soren Kieregaard.

There was a time in this journey where I felt like I was on a very dark path, where I couldn't see anything and the trail was full of rocks and roots that I was stumbling over. Yet, I knew God's hand was holding me and He knew the way. It didn't make the path any easier. It just made it so that I kept moving.

I'm not off that trail yet. I haven't reached the top of the mountain and there have been places where I've had to climb. But the view has gotten better as God has helped me learn to "be still" and let Him be God.

You are getting stronger even if you don't feel like it.

Last night I was trying to understand why you had gotten SADDER this weekend..and, of course, I understand the rollercoaster with its ups and downs...

Now I see, you are MISSING your BOYS and haven't heard from them..gives you a picture of what WITHDRAWAL is like for the WS...YUCK...

About GOD..here I go again...

I don't TRY to figure him out or try to UNDERSTAND HIS PLAN..It's that FAITH I have...

HE would not be GOD if we could UNDERSTAND or FIGURE HIM out..HE'S that AWESOME...I started flower gardening during PLAN B..a hobby that I have continued to this day..I go outside and look at the intricate details of the flowers...That's part of my FAITH..I KNOW THAT I CAN'T POSSIBLY COMPREHEND A POWER THAT CAN CREATE SUCH BEAUTY..

I JUST GIVE IN TO HIM and LET HIM CARRY ON...and MIRACLES keep happening for me every day...

My daily prayer: Not my way, LORD..YOUR WAY...

He's working this all out for you, Sis. HE will take care of you...

JT: Thanks for this one. The pastor at the church I was attending over the summer and fall quoted this exact same passage from Ruth Graham in one of his sermons. It really touched me at the time, but I had forgotten about it...obviously tucked it away somewhere...because I remembered it vividly when I ready it here.

It's beautiful. Thank you for giving it back to me.

SL: I don't know if it's a Eureka moment...I feel like I've had those before but they never seemed to stick. Two steps forward, one step back? I seem to always end up back at the place where I am questioning myself, doubting myself, being fearful.

Maybe I won't ever be so fortunate as to have a Eureka moment...maybe mine will all come in the form of small steps forward that ultimately will reveal something to me.

I'd prefer a Eureka. I guess I just "gotta learn ta be patient."

Sometimes I read other's situations and they seem so together, so confident, so sure that they know they are doing the right thing, even if they don't like it...and oftentimes these are folks who haven't been in these trenches as long as I have.

I envy that clarity, and wonder if I'm somehow deficient because I'm not there, because I can't seem to find it for myself. I'm too stubborn, I lack insight, I'm not looking at it correctly, I lack faith...I question all of these as possible explanations for why I'm "stuck." (notice they are all negative)

I suppose I am setting myself up if I try to put myself on some sort of timeline, or worse, to use someone else's timeline to measure my own progress.

But still....I think you probably all know where I'm coming from. Impatient with myself for not being patient enough. Miss P rearing her ugly head again.

Today is cloudy. I was thinking the next cloudy day would be a good time to wash windows. Pretty symbolic, I suppose, to the whole issue of clarity.

I think I'm figuring that out. I HOPE I am figuring it out. I HOPE that my puzzle imagery will work for me in "getting" it, and that it STICKS this time.

God is sculpting me, and it hurts, but it's part of something bigger and better, and so it's silly, really, to protest or fight, because in the end...what is happening will take me to the place that He has designed just for me.

He's okay, He's got me, He's working it out for me. To God, I am special and unique and irreplaceable...even if I were none of those things to anyone else in this world.

I'm so with you on the beauty of our natural world...a world that He created. The flowers, the birds, the sunshine, a cat purring, damp blond curls on the head of a sweaty little boy, the lake, the dunes. All of this...so perfect...so harmonious.

I have to believe that there is some ultimate harmony in His plan for humanity as well. That includes ME. Little old me. He created ME, too.

You may have realized that letting go is what you need to do, but letting go is not as easy a task. Also, your boys are away, and considering the day you had with the boys, tossing the ball around, maybe you feel more connected with them now, more understanding of each other, and you miss them.

Sis, don't believe for one second that people who are in recovery or are divorced, out of limboland, have stopped asking questions, or have stopped learning or NEEDING to learn.

Maybe your stubborness is keeping you from a level of acceptance, questioning where you are headed, what path you are on, instead of looking down at the path and slowly following it, you question it's bends and turns. I'm certainly not saying that the task of letting go is easy, not by any means, but I do believe it is necessary for personal recovery and growth. The illusion of control is a big hurdle, and it takes a lot of time to get over. I'm still working on that one, but am able to recognize when the illusion begins to take over and how to break away from it.

AMEN!!!

((((SIS)))...THE HARMONIOUS PLAN... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />..I LOVE THIS DESCRIPTION....

I loved the book THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN by Mitch Albom...it's a novel with an interesting take on this that we are speaking of...I think you would ENJOY it...

Yep- we understand. We've been in your shoes. That's why we can be confident when we say you are getting there.
It isn't "learning to be patient". It is learning to be okay when we don't know the next step. You will get that clarity. It is part of this whole journey. Even when you feel like you aren't getting anywhere.

I also understand your drive to "do" something to get there. I have that same need. I used to wish God would just send me a map so I could do it myself or have some kind of timeline so I'd know I was making progress. What God showed me during my chemo was that He made me this way-strong, stubborn, driven, a do-er. What He taught me when my treatments made me too tired to do anything was to never let that strength I have become a weakness by depending on it more than Him. I also learned to let my children (mostly grown) help. Oh yes, and that dogs know...they just do.(My Jack Russell became my constant companion-by my side in bed, next to me on the sofa-now very mellow-very unterrier-like. God even changed her "drive") <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You can trust that He is preparing the things that need to be in place for His plan. And you know what, struggling with all this stuff isn't a lack of faith-it shows you do have faith. My DD25 (extra daughter for 6 years) started doing something that helped her after her mom died. She made a "God's In box"-an idea she got from Anne Lamott's book Traveling Mercies. She would put all her rants, hurts, questions etc on notes and then shove them in the box and leave them for God to deal with. She knew He was big enough to handle her anger, pain and questions. She never re-read those notes. She tossed them once she had reached a new place in her journey through it all.

This Christmas she gave me a card where she wrote she never truly understood the idea at the end of Job where God restored Job's family until now-through this time of my XH leaving and us dealing with my cancer treatment.(She moved home shortly before he left because her roommate stole their rent money and got them evicted. God's timing? She was home when I and DS15 needed her. She was the one person who understood his fears during this time).

She told me she felt like she was more a part of our family than her own. Her parents split when she was 7 and her dad's advice after her mom passed was "you don't need a 4-year degree. Why don't you go to community college and get married so I won't have to worry about you." then he accused her of not being a "good Christian daughter" because she didn't listen to his advice. Nuff said there-

God has changed me so much in ways I don't always realize. The other night I took DS15 out for dinner and he commented "Mom, why aren't you talking?" We'd already talked about school, youth group, his friends, summer plans etc. I said "because I'm okay not talking. Why do you ask?" DS replied "Because it's weird. You usually are talking." Wow! I could be okay letting things just be without filing it with words. God had made it okay for me to "be still" even in something as simple as that. So, we talked about how our experience with all this had changed us. He had some good insights too. He can be an intense, quiet kid. Now, he doesn't worry about things as much, he is very outgoing with his friends, and he boldly switched to a new youth group without knowing anyone there (his decision).

God will show you these little changes. They will surprise you like those wonderful "volunteers" that grow in your garden. My favorite are the snapdragons I never planted but just keep coming back. My mom always planted snapdragons in her garden for us kids.

This time of having your boys gone gives you a glimpse of the "you" you will be once they are out of the house. You will always be their center-but you will also be able to be completely Sis-not just lilsis, not just mom, but the Sis that God has in mind.

You know how sometimes winter seems to last forever-both figuratively and literally. There's a lot of growth and preparation in the winter-think of those bulbs you plant or trees as they draw their sap into their core in the cold months, preparing for spring with new strength.

As my oncologist said to DD25 when she was wondering about her future with the guy in her life at the time- "The destiny will come." I love that.

Well-I guess it was my turn to ramble..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Beautiful post, JT..not rambling...

THANKS...

Mimi..whose boys are out of the home...

Not rambling at all, JT. I spent the day, pretty much, considering all of this.

I've been really calm. Typically I have this low-level buzz of anxiety going in the background. No matter what I am doing. It seemed to be on "off" today. More quiet, contemplative.

I have this spiritual book I read a few months ago, "Life of the Beloved." It's all about how we are each unique sons and daughters of God, deeply loved, each one of us. Each one special, known about for an eternity.

"We are God's chosen ones, even when the world does not choose us." or even when husbands don't.

For some reason, I can feel that now. I can accept that His plan is greater than mine. I may still wish for things to be a certain way, I may still feel anger and resentment and--yes, hatred (for RT)--but I think I will work through it, or it will work through me.

I've been on my own for almost a year now, and I have quite a few years ahead of me (Lord willing). I can do this. I can make it. I AM making it. I think I will be okay, even though it still hurts. Lots and lots.

"Trust God" is what people have been saying all along, I know...and I understood what you all were saying...but I didn't FEEL it. I was afraid to trust anyone, any thing...even God.

Maybe that's changing. Something's different...

I do miss the boys. I would love to hear from them, just to hear their little voices. I know that they are having a wonderful time, and I am happy for that. And happy that I have this time, too, to be quiet and still...and get to know me.

And once I get to know me, I'll introduce you all...

I think we know you better than you do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We definitely think you're wonderful!

Can someone please post a link to Lilsis' plan A thread? I want to refer someone to it. TIA!

Lil Sis, sometimes ya gotta...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 (NIV)

(((Sis)))

Sis,

Who are you?

You said you understood you were unique, and then you said you were replaceable in terms of your roles.

As a mother - truly, are you replaceable? Ask your boys before you say this. Their vote would be "never".

As a sister - are you replaceable? Ask your sisters - you know their response already. They would never want to replace you. You hold only that one very unique place, yours, in their hearts, in their memories growing up.

As a daughter - you know as a mom that no child is replaceable.

As a wife - take a look at how you miss your H. You are not replaceable. RT will not, ever, replace you. Even if you D, and they marry, you will not be replaced. She is different, and less than, you. Because if they were to ever marry, by virtue of how she gets there, she is forever stained, and no matter what is done, the memory of what she did to "get her man" is known to all. God knows, and so does everyone else. She will always be less than you, and never "replacing" you.

You are a unique child of the universe. There is no other person that is you. Is there a "replacement" for Elvis? A replacement for Leonardo daVinci? Your father? My friend? No. There are other people, who come into our lives, who serve similar roles, but never the same.

There is no such thing as a replacement in this life. Even when we break a vase, and we go to the store and buy the exact same vase to replace it, we carry with us the memory of the first one, don't we? We know that this vase is not the same. We don't feel the same about the replacement, do we? We always know that this is the second vase, not the same as the first. It serves, somehow, a different role. We are an odd being.

Because as humans, we know in our hearts that each thing in the universe is, in fact, unique. It is of itself, a separate entity from other things, unique. Just as we know we are unique unto God, unique unto one another.

You are worthy.
You are unique.
You are needed.
You are loved.


Your connectedness to others is just one part of who you are. It isn't everything. Sometimes we think we are fully defined in this, and we can get lost there. But there is much more to you than just who you are in terms of your relationships with others. You are an observer of the universe. You see the beauty of the movement of light in the flowers, the scent of a child, and the breeze in the trees. You love people in spite of their faults and sin. You show willingness to change and fight for your marriage to survive in the face of difficult odds. You stand up for what is right, look for answers, and search for the greater meaning beyond the struggles in your day-to-day life. You show weakness, strength, grace, stumbling, frustration, triumph, sadness, joy, sorrow, and most of all, love.

Therein lies who you are.

SB

Gulp, SB. That is beautiful. Thank you. I feel very special, indeed, for being the recipient of those words. I guess it is sometimes hard to step back and appreciate these qualities about myself when I am so consumed with my responsibilites to others.

My mom said something remarkable to me today, too.

I drove down there, and she and I went to my dad's grave to plant some new flowers. When we finished, she went of to wander around while I had a moment.

Well, of course I began sobbing. The deep, racking ones, my face dripping all over my knees and down my legs. Missing him, wishing for him to be here...most of all regretting that he didn't get to know the boys as they are now...more grown (they were almost 3 and 6 at the time). He would so enjoy them both...the sweet, tenderness of DS8 and the intelligence and curiousity of DS11...and they would be captivated by him. He was never too busy or impatient or not interested. He never got tired of being with his grandchildren.

So a quart of tears or so later and my mom walks up, pats me on the shoulder and sits down next to me on the grass. And just lets me cry and talk and wonder and wish all I want. I just couldn't stop the tears, so I guess they needed to come...and it was so nice to have someone, right there in the cemetary, who would let me lay my head in her lap and cry a big puddle on her pants.

I told her a whole list of things I loved and remembered about my dad; things I have never said aloud to anyone before...except maybe WH.

I told her I so wished that I could just HEAR dad say, "It's going to be okay," because I would BELIEVE him. I trusted him.

She said she didn't think he would say that, because he wasn't into cliches. She said that she imagined that he would say, "I have faith in you."

Which is a whole different thing, isn't it? Entirely. I want the Good Housekeeping Seal of Guaranteed Happiness, and I get...faith. In ME. The chick who got herself tossed in the pokey.

Mom's right, though...it sounds more like him. Darn it.

Dad would never let me off easy. Never give me the easy answer. It was more his style to NOT answer anything right out or verbalize his opinion...he'd just put up those little signposts that ultimately led me to my own right answer.

I could use a few of those signposts from my dad right about now...or maybe a billboard.

I'm okay, though...I am. I'm not desperate for a path, I'm still okay letting God sort it out...but TODAY...I just really, really, really missed my dad, and for the boys' sakes, I missed their grandpa.