[/quote]
I know OM was not a soulmate. I know this and I'm totally fine there. OM is POS. How was I that stupid? [/quote]

I want my wife to think that her OM are POS too!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[/quote]

I do think your position definitely helps you in understanding your FWW's perspective. I know my DH just couldn't get his head around it, still can't. He just can't see me as that person. I think he blames OM more, I blame myself more than DH does.
[/quote]

It's funny because back when I was the recovering WH, it seemed like everyone that knew the OW pretty much blamed me and forgave OW, but then there were people that I knew, like say my MIL, who hated the OW, but seemed to be o.k. with me. I thought that was odd.
Not that I am defending OW in any way shape or form. She was totally wrong for what she did. Actually I really don't care what her reasons were for her part in that awful situation. I just feel so terible that she dragged me down into that. I know that I made choices. Stupid, terrible choices that I will regret til the day I die. I just feel that I should have made better choices and have done the right thing.
I think that is what is so hard for me to understand my FWWs affairs. I am forever beating myself up over what I did and hating myself for it and then she goes out and chooses to do what I hate myself for doing. I just don't understand why she would put herself into the position to be a FWS. Now she is in "the club" so to speak.
I wish I was never part of this awful club.
Oh well, all I can do is to do the right thing from now on.

I know OM was not a soulmate. I know this and I'm totally fine there. OM is POS. How was I that stupid? [/quote]

I want my wife to think that her OM are POS too!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]

Rock - in my sitch the OM is/was a Dr. Anyway he could save a life from time to time. Great guy, good dad and plenty of $$$. My wife said all this.

Now that my wife is a FWW she hates the OM. He lied to her, used her and so on. So, yes WW will come to see the OM as a POS in time. It takes time my friend.

It's funny you say that M2L. I remember a few days after D-day and I was questioning her about OM3. She seemed to describe him as a nice guy because he helped people, etc., etc, and that I would probably like him or something. She called him for support after we had an argument. It was odd. I hope that now she doesn't view this guy the way she did. I hope she sees him for what he really was/is, someone who just wanted to get in her pants.
How can you think so highly of someone who would go after a married woman with children?

Hi Mr. and Mrs...

Hope things are going well in the Rock household.

I wanted to tell Rock that I went through the same thing right after d-day. I even told my DH that OM would be good to our kids (like no big deal they wouldn't be with their dad, UGH!).

It's foggy addict talk, Rock.

In the end we know what they are/were, men who were fine with having their various and assorted needs filled by women who should have been giving their time and affection to the one they married. My XMOM played victim post dday and actually got sympathy from the online community we were on. Poor him, his affair partner dumped him to stay with her family...what a freakin' tragedy for him.

We were so stupid.

Hi MomAZ. Good to hear from you and thanks for checking up on us. Today was kinda eh. I got pretty stressed at work today (nuthin to do with the A) and I came home and I was very tired. So then mrs rock starts thinking that I am some kind of bad mood and starts to wonder what she did now. I didn’t handle it very well.
We suck so bad at communicating.
I’ve got a bunch of thoughts to write about but it’s late and I just got home from playing hockey and I have to get to bed. Check back with me later.
Thanks for the post!
Rock

Dear Mrs Rock,

I just wanted to pop in and say welcome...how much I admire your courage and bravery for sharing here...

I was a serial cheater. Past tense. No future or present tense.

And our marital communication sucked, as well. Really helped to do MC and communication exercises twice a week (only took half an hour twice a week)...and we did them for over a year and half...funny thing, we just did another one last week...helped us to reorient again.

I would be happy to share the exercises and anything else you may want to know with you.

DJs were at the core of why I chose to cheat...and when I really got how much I assumed and mindread...from body language, facial expressions, even silence, let alone, misperception...my life changed greatly.

And Mr. Rock...what you see in others you have in yourself...a rule I learned about our human design...a tool, not a judgment. When you said that Mrs Rock started thinking you were in a bad mood...is that what she shared with you, this perception?

Delights my heart and soul to see you both here, sharing...you're not alone, bad or wrong...you are awesome humans and it's a privilege to get to post to you guys.

LA

Thanks LA. I always value your insight.

I can so relate. We used to deal with that kind of stuff too. My DH would just tell me "it's got nothing to do with you!" And you know what Mrs. Rock, if he says it doesn't have anything to do with you, it's doesn't, it's not personal, just give him some time and he'll snap out of it. Most likely if you try to "snap" him out of it that just makes things worse. Reading Mars/Venus and how men need their cave time etc. helped a lot.

LA is also a great help with this kind of thing too.

And LA, I would love to see info on those communication exercises too.

Hope today goes well.

Mom

MoM,

Do you have become a real asset on this site? You have. Keep an eye on LA, she has become one of the best posters here, and you are learning will MoM.

God Bless,

JL

Hi. Well I had a pretty good afternoon. I met Mrs. Rock for lunch. It's always tough to have to pick her up because OM3 is very close. I handled it well and didn't let the triggers
get to me. Then when went to a restaurant where we have been in a while, and what do I see when I walk in? An advertisement to the gym where she got involved with OM2 at. She said she was sorry, but I told her that it wasn't her fault.
I told her that it seems wherever I go there is some sort of reminder or trigger. SHe felt bad, but I told her not to worry about it.
We had a very nice lunch and had a nice talk. The talk was much better than the food. (No wonder we haven't been there in a while)
She told me that I was a good husband and that she appreciated me and things I do for her. That felt really good. She told me that she told someone at work about an incident where she called me at work crying because she couldn't find our cat and I drove home to help her look for it. She said that the person at work told her that her husband would never do that. Nothing big, but I'm glad she told me that she appreciated it.
I told her that I would do anything for her. SO she asked me if I would get on the floor and lick the floor for her. I told her don't push it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Then when I brought her back to her office she had me help her carry in some stuff to her desk. That was kind of weird because OM1 works there too. Maybe he is off or something, I don't know. I thought there might be a chance that I would run into him. Not that I would have really cared too much.
Just thought I would share my nice afternoon.
Is it time that I move my thread to the Recovery board?
Rock

I know OM was not a soulmate. I know this and I'm totally fine there. OM is POS. How was I that stupid? [/quote]

I want my wife to think that her OM are POS too!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]

In my opinion: Instead, shoot for your wife to be INDIFFERENT to the OM.

Hating takes a lot of energy... much more than you want her to expend on him.

Really think about this and I think you'll see what I mean.

(I know what I mean! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

[/quote]

In my opinion: Instead, shoot for your wife to be INDIFFERENT to the OM.

Hating takes a lot of energy... much more than you want her to expend on him.

Really think about this and I think you'll see what I mean.

(I know what I mean! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) [/quote]

I guess I kind of see your point. I guess I will have to think about that one. I didn'y say I wanted her to hate them. Although I really don't see what harm that would be. I just want her to acknowledge that they are POS.
I am a recovered POS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rock,

The problem you have is that then she must admit she is a POS.
I have the distinct feeling that you don't view her as a POS do you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> NB is right, indifference is THE best point of view. And as you two recover that is where you will be.

Let me explain the symmetry of this. She was strongly attached to OM's right? You are strongly repulsed by OM right? However BOTH positions are positions of strong emotional investment, takes energy, takes focus, and takes your focus away from other things.

Where she should end up and where YOU should end up is INDIFFERENT. No emotional investment, no energy expended, you are focused on your W and your marriage. She is focused on you and you marriage. Do you see the symmetry?

I believe I will spell this right by Weismann, is quoted as saying And you can see why this is so.

You are probably MORE emotionally invested in OM than your W is right now. How does that sound? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Pretty slimy right?

Think carefully about what NB said. She is right as usual.

God Bless,

JL

I know, or at least am pretty sure that she wasn't very strongly attached to the OM. She never had any intention of leaving me, they were just someone to have sex with. I am not emotionally invested in any of the OM either.
Anyway, my whole point in the post that has caused such controvery was a response to something I believe Maybe2Late or maybe MomtoAZ posted. Something was said about their FWS thinking that the OM is a POS and I just commented that I hoped my FWW felt the same way.
We are not really spending much energy on hating any of the OM. Honestly. You can't blame me for hoping that my FWW harbors any fond thoughts of the OM.

For the record I was responding to a quote by MomtoAZ not M2L.

HEY - I think any OM is a POS also - my wife's FOM included. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Don't leave me out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

JL, you know how that made me smile! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for saying that, it means a lot to me.

Inside I do feel like I'm changing, I'm not just being a better wife, I'm becoming a better person. Many things are clicking into place.

LA is awesome (as are you, Pep and many others) and I have learned SO VERY MUCH.

Mom,

Isn't it amazing how perspectives change and with those changes comes so many insights? You really are doing much better than you realize and you really are a huge asset here.

God Bless,

JL

Yes, I was the one who first mentioned OP as POS..for the record, lol!

I do see NB and JL's point. Carrying that anger is not constructive. That's something I have to work on too.

Rock, I'm glad you had a nice day. She is starting to show you some painful realizations on her part and you handled it very well (by affirming she's not POS!). A year out, and I'm still working on forgiving myself, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Understanding how a FBS could still love and want to be with a FWS is hard for us FWS's, but it sounds like you are on the right track.