Hmmm, so many topics.
Like I said before I can see that hating is wasting your energy. I guess that I really wasn't looking as hating as a verb. Just as a statement. No wait, I didn't say hate at all. Anyway I do see NBs and JLs ponts. I do agree with M2L though that any OM is a POS. I can't see any other way to describe them. That may sound hypocritical of me to say that and not describe my FWW the same way, but I guess it's because I love her. She knows that I view my WW that way, but not my FWW.
Gosh, how did I get into this debate. Anyway.
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Mom,
You definately deserve the compliments from JL. I know that JL is a true proffesional here. His insight has helped both mrs rock and myself tremendously.
You too have been a great help as well, just as M2L has been when he sort of took me under his wing when I first got here.
You have all been my "dream team", I've got the proffesional advice from JL, I've got the same kind of situation help from Maybe2Late, and I've got the insight from a FWW and guilt-ridden comrade. You guys have been awesome!
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Also Mom, on the subject of forgiving yourself. Does your BS bring your A up often? My A still gets brought up in arguments and is now used as a comparison. Not always but sometimes. I think that it is hard to get over it when it's brought up so much.
Thanks guys!
Rock

Oh and Mom, please don't take offense, but mrs rock has been very busy. That's why she hasn't responded to the email yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, I didn't want to falsely quote you.

Pshaw! No worries!

It depends on what you mean by brought up. DH has never, not once, used my A's against me in a fight, thrown them in my face or used it to manipulate in any way. We do talk about it as part of healing and growth when needed. That is one of the reasons why I respect him so much. If it's brought up often, do you think it could be because she still has unresolved issues about it? Has this been recent, since her A's or was it always like that?

Give an example of how it's brought up in an argument.

Pshaw? Lol! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

As far as her bringing it up, I guess she really has seemed to bring it up when I question her about her A. (and me being my guilt-ridden self pretty much thinks that I deserve it) It's funny because even before her A, I told her that whenever we had an argument and she brought up my A that the fight was over, she had won. I had no defense for it.
O.k., back to the question. I guess she will bring it up when I'll ask her how she could have done this or that and she will just say "How did you"? Or something like that. That was just an example.

You know Rock, I have been thinking about your sitch and you (like all BS) want your wife to think of the OM as POS. Maybe b/c she still sees them/one OM each work day she still sees them as a person. A person that has feelings and problems of their own.

My wife told me (while in WD) not to call the OM b/c she didn't want me to kick a dog while it is down. Don't add to his misery I guess. Now that she has been away from him for many months she could not care less what he feels.

I hear you M2L. I think that this whole wanting my FWW wanting to think that the OM are POS is getting blown way out of proportion. I was just agreeing with MOMtoAZ.
Here's how I feel. I feel that any man going after a married woman is a scumbag. There is no energy that I am expending on them. That's just how I feel. I hardly ever even think of them. Even my FWW has told me that I probably like to talk to them and I told her not really. I feel like I am on a totally different level than they are and it would be a total waste of time.
I told her that although my self esteem is at an all time low, but what helps me feel good about myself is that I know that I am a better man than the OMs. I really don't put much energy into hating them.
My big fear is that FWW may hold some compassion or something for them.That is always what I am trying to find out. I know that she works with OM1 and still considers him a friend I guess. I'm sure she thinks that he is a nice guy and such. Hopefully she doesn't think that what he did was alright. I feel like I have no control over that. I really don't know what she thinks of OM2 or OM3.
To me OM3 is still a big mystery. To have sex with him and read the things that she wrote and knowing somewhat of all the times they talked confuses me. It sure seems like more of a relationship than wht she makes it out to be.
But then again, she won't talk about it with me, so who knows? Not me.

Rock,

As well as you two are doing, she does need to talk to you about it and her feelings then and now. No amount of hiding behind your A will help her make this right. I am hoping with time she will take full responsibility for her own decisions and actions and speak with you candidly about her decisions and feelings.

If she does not, the marriage may last but it will not be made into what it should be.

Just a thought.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. I agree with everything you said. It's seems like we are starting to move in that direction. We seem to be starting to communicate a little better lately.
I don't want to push her too much. I am starting to feel better about our progress. Thanks for continuing to check on us!
Rock

Steady as she goes, Rock.

This stuff does take time and I really think that Mrs. Rock gets it. It is just hard to accept.

God Bless,

JL

I second the time part. Sloooow - man way too slow for me too.

Hang in there buddy!!

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I agree JL, but unfortunately she doesn't think there is any more to talk about. I know that a lot of questions I have probably aren't that important in the large scope of things and I will probably let them go in time There are some that I do think are important, or at least I think so at the moment.
There are things like when did this begin? Or why do you think this happened? Or how long did you think this would go on? How do you think we can prevent this from happening again?
Stuff like that.
I've been thinking about my A. I have been defending myself for 12 years now and although I know it was terrible and I think that I probably hate it more than even she does, but I don't know. I'm just tired of it being thrown up in my face or used as some kind of defense of her situations.
That's just how I'm feeling right now.

[/quote]

DH has never, not once, used my A's against me in a fight, thrown them in my face or used it to manipulate in any way. We do talk about it as part of healing and growth when needed. That is one of the reasons why I respect him so much. If it's brought up often, do you think it could be because she still has unresolved issues about it? [/quote]

Believe me, I want to get to a point where I never have to bring it up. I'm sure that someday I will reach that point. There's just to much stuff at the moment that I am looking for answers to. I just have to figure out what I feel that I need to know to help the healing process and what things that I want to know just to satisfy my curiosity.
I guess she never really resoved my A to her satisfaction. I thought we were doing well with it. I wish I (we) could put it behind us. I also know that it's easy for her to bring mine up to help with the dealing of her own.
I just don't want to sweep this all under the rug, because obviously that was what happened with my A and now it still comes up now and then.
I would like to deal with her's the right way and move forward and never bring it up again. At least in a deconstructive manner.
Rock

O.k., here’s how things are going so far. It has been over six months since D-day. The thoughts of the affairs aren’t hitting me as often, but they still do. There are many triggers that take me back. It seems like every day I try to remember what was happening last year around this time. It still hurts. I find myself much more of an emotional person now. Heck, sometimes I will catch myself shedding a tear watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Lol.
FWW and I still do not talk very much about the affairs. She can’t understand what more I need to know. To tell you the truth I still think that I know very little about what happened. I think that I’m just learning to let some stuff go or just learning to deal with the unknown better.

My FWW has been very good lately. She has shown a compassionate side that I haven’t seen from her in years. It feels so good to actually feel that she cares. I’m just hoping that it’s not fake. I’ve told her that I don’t want any facade (sp?). I’ve told her that if she doesn’t love me or does not want this marriage, then let’s not just pretend. I told her that I am here because I love her and I want to salvage us and our family. I truly believe that we can be happy again.

As I said, she has been treating me well and fulfilling my EN. She still has the attitude of sweeping it under the rug though. Then again, I have to ask myself what I really expect of her. I think I envy a lot of the FWW on these boards that I have met. They just seem to have a passion for making things right in their marriages. Maybe that’s not a fair thing to say regarding my FWW. She is doing what she thinks she must do.

I was so happy that she came here and posted and even started talking with MomtoAZ on the side. Which kind of fizzled out. (Thanks for trying Mom).

We occasionally have SF. Sometimes it’s harder for me than others. Keeping the thoughts of her with OM3 ruins the mood sometimes.
Well, I’m probably not making much sense right now. Just kinda talking to myself I guess. I’ll check back later.
Rock

Hello anyone. Just feel like writing at the moment.
Today I had lunch with my FWW. She seemed kind of down so I tried to ask her what was bothering her. She started talking to me about the OM and the A. She brought it up herself and I was just amazed by it. It felt so good to talk about it with her in such a civilized manner. She gave up some info and I really appreciated it. Although I might have pushed a little too much after she started to open up a little. Then she told me that she didn’t want to pour too much fuel on the fire.
It was just so nice to talk like that because it feels like we are on the same team and working together on the situation. So that was nice.
I just thought I would share that.
Rock

Keep up the good work mr. and mrs. Rock!!

Rock, I really do feel we are singing from a very similar hymnsheet in what we're feeling. I suppose it's the same for everyone here, as we're all in the same boat. It's just that you do seem to be voicing more or less what I have been thinking. And we are on a similar affair timescale too.

Hi DH. I haven't read your story yet. I would put mine on my sig line but I don't know how to create a link like that. Anyway, I feel so frustrated because I never know what is "normal" as far as recovery goes. SOmetimes I think that I'm doing real well and it's all looking fine, but then the next day I am consumed with triggers and awful images that I just can't overcome and I wonder how in the world I am ever going to get through this.
I do love my FWW very much and want to save my marriage. Sometimes it's just so tough. I think my biggest problem is always wondering how she feels about everything. I don't want a false recovery.
Thanks for posting and please feel free to check with me again since we are so close as far as our timetable goes. Take care,
Rock