The rollercoaster is on the downhill today. Depression is kicking my a$$. I feel like just going somewhere and curling up in a ball and crying. I feel like such a wimp.
Sorry, just venting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Rock,

Mrs. Rock opening up to you is a great sign and at 6 months this seems to be pretty much on schedule. I think as she processes stuff she will talk more. I do hope you thanked her for sharing with you her feelings and thoughts.

Oh! and 6 months is usually where the BS starts to show anger, or depression. Why? Well the conjecture is that by this time the BS knows the marriage is likely to make it, and the iron grip they have had and needed to have on many emotions can be loosened abit. When that happens deep feelings come to the surface and often manifest themselves as anger, or perhaps depression this is normal.

Tell you what. Tonight when you go home, tell Mrs. Rock you need her to hug you and just hold you. If she asks if something is wrong, just tell her the truth, "you are a bit down today" and could use her help.

Does this seem familiar? It should it is basically what she did the other day when she opened up. She trusted you enough to tell you her feelings, and you listened didn't you. By listening and talking with her, you helped her a lot. She needed your help, and when you need hers open up and let her help you.

You two talk about this, but ask for help when you need it, and thank her when she responds. Sometimes it is not the words but the actions that lead up to them that count.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. I needed that.
I did thank MrsR for sharing some thoughts with me. She talked about some things on her own free will. It was great. Of course then I kind of pushed a little too much for some info.
I know that I'm doing o.k. It helped to know that I am in the correct timeline of things.
Your statement about the deep emotions being loosened from the iron grip made a lot of sense too.
Thanks for the help. Rock

Help. I am in a rut. I heard that I am in the 6 month D-day stage. Anger and depression are the norm because I am starting to release some emotions that were held pretty much in check with an iron grip until now.
Not that I’m lashing out. I feel more depressed than anything. I’m not being a very happy, cheerful husband lately. Actually I’ve been kind of grumpy to my FWW and kids. I hate it. It is definately depression. Or at least I think so. Mrs rock has been good to me lately. I certainly can’t complain about that.
My problem is I can’t shut my mind off. I keep thinking of her PA and it’s killing me. I don’t want to discourage her at all. Well, just thought I’d vent a little. Thanks for listening.
Rock

Rock,
I wish I was as far along as you and I know you just wanted to vent, but do you have any other symptoms other than feeling depressed and grumpy?

The reason I ask, is that I was feeling very depressed right after D-Day, still cannot sleep through the night without Benadryl, lost my apatite. I have found that lifting and running in the evenings helps me a lot. Both require that I focus on what I am doing, without requiring a lot of mental horsepower. So I get relief from the negative thoughts and at the same time get real fatigued and when I come home, the fatigue helps me to relax and get to sleep. You doing any kind of exercise routine?

Hi Gameface. Thanks for the post.
I'm constantly tired too. This just weighs heavily on me all the time. Well, most of the time. Just after D-Day I had no appetite and could hardly sleep.
I can sleep ok now, and I also eat like a pig. Which sucks. Another reason that I think I am so tired is because I haven't been taking very good care of my diabete and I think my blood sugar has been high. I've been kind of neglecting my health lately.
As far as excercising, I really should be doing a lot more. I can't seem to get motivated. We have a nice treadmill in the basement and I also have a nice Bowflex that we just got a few months ago. I keep meaning to work out more. It's just hard for me to get motivated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
The machines make great clothes racks right now.
Thanks for the post and I hope things get better for you!
Rock

I read about the 6-month thing, too, and wondered if that's what my problems were all about.

Rock, you asked earlier about putting a link in your post or sig line. Here's how:
1) Find the thread you want to link to then select and copy the URL from the Address bar.
2) Go to the place you want to add the post with the link (a thread you want to post in or your profile to put it in your signature).
3) If it's in a post, don't use the Quick Reply window - you need to click the Reply button in the header of the post to get to the advanced post creation window.
4) Just underneath the post editor, you should see an area to the right of the smilies for UBB code. Click URL. A window will pop up where you paste the URL you copied earlier, then another window appears where you enter the text you want to make into the link, e.g. My Story.
So, the link will look like this in the post editor (but with square brackets instead of the curly ones) - {url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?Cat=0}MAIN PAGE{/url} - but like this in the post -
MAIN PAGE

Thanks DH59.

Hmmm, I may be taking a break here. I don’t know. I came home today with a copy of a post that I read here. It wasn’t even for her, it was something that I really liked and I wanted to read it again.
Then she got on my case about being on the MB site too much and how are we ever going to move forward if I keep hanging around here and never move forward.
I think maybe a teeny bit of what she says is true. Heck, in one breath she is telling me that she thinks this support is good here for me, then the next it’s terrible.
She’s even posted here and has had some of you try and reach out to her, but to no avail.
I guess she wants me to just sweep it under the rug like she has. I’m not sure what to really do at this point.
Maybe I’ll just chalk this up as a bad night and see how tomorrow goes.

Rock, I'm sorry. I have been just lurking the past couple of days myself till I saw your post tonight. My situation is the same but it's weird because I'm the FWW and it's my FBH that thinks I'm overdoing MB. He is the one who doesn't want R/M talk. I don't know why he seems to be over it and I'm still trying to figure it all out. Sometimes I think maybe I am overthinking and then when he doesn't want to talk I wonder if we will be able to have the kind of marriage I had always hoped for.

Maybe your wife is reacting that way because your recovery is a trigger for her, so to speak. Every time you talk about MB or have that post for example, it's a reminder to her of what she's done to you and how you haven't gotten over it (and still hurting). I've realized that about my DH, and hurt is expressed as anger sometimes.

Aren't you at about the six month mark? That's a typical time for problems to develop. I'm at about the year mark and a month ago I would've said we were pretty much recovered, but for some reason, maybe because of hitting the year mark or not, I feel like I/we've backslidden.

Anyway, a good nights' sleep can do wonders.

Maybe taking some time to focus on something you like doing for you, just for a little while, isn't such a bad idea. Go see a movie, or read a book that has absolutely nothing to do with infidelity, marriage, etc...!

Hope things look brighter in the morning.

MAZ

Thanks MAZ. I've noticed you've been laying low. Thanks for popping out for me.
I know that me being here sometimes upsets her. Although I have evenasked her about it and she told me that she was ok with it. I guess I can understand if the situations were reversed. I think that seeing me constantly seeking support might bring her down or make her feel guilty. I can respect that. All in all, like I said in an earlier post, she has showed me some compassion and sometimes generally seems to care about how I'm feeling. I'm not used to that and it's hard to accept. I think just like it's hard for her to accept me showing my feelings because I rarely did. We both have to learn to accept these changes in each other.
She has been good, but for some reason I seem to somewhat reject the attention for some reason. I'm an idiot,I think.

I know that lately it's been hard for me to fight off the awful thoughts and visions that have been plagueing me. SHe will pay me a compliment and all I will think is "then why did you need him" or something along that line.
Thanks for the pick-me-up MAZ.
Rock

Rock, my H also thought that my coming on MB was holding up our recovery, and I did stay away for a couple of days to test this theory, but I was still having the mood swings and getting upset, so I started coming back again. I think he now knows that I am gaining some support here and so no longer makes that judgement. It is the only support I have, as we have not pursued counselling, and H admits that he is not the best person to be advising me!

I sometimes send H a link to a thread that I think says what's on my mind and he does read them, although we haven't had any long discussions about the content. At least he is prepared to read them. I am not so sure that he would come on here and post though.

I think perhaps we can read too much into a person's actions, and I am trying really hard not to jump to conclusions about what H may or may not be thinking - something I have been very prone do in the past. I am beginning to think he really is not trying to sweep it under the carpet, as I previously assumed. It's just his normal, pragmatic attitude.

Surprisingly, the 'visions' have more or less gone now. Not quite sure why or how. Just doesn't seem to bother me as much as it did to begin with. I suppose my 'mind over matter' exercises are starting to have some effect.

Hang in there, Rock.

I sit here and throw my troubles out into the internet to people I don’t even know. Is this it? Just dying for any words of condolences or reassurance. I throw my troubles into the pool of heartbroken souls. Looking for a kind word from someone who is in anguish like me or probably worse.
I look back and ask God why do I deserve this? I am a simple man. A man who adores his wife, a dad who loves his two little girls and his little boy up in Heaven.
I will not give up on my wife. I owe this to my family. My son would want me to try and keep things together. To take care of his mommy. I already feel sorry for the girls. They don’t need to be going through this. I’m sure they know something isn’t quite right.
Why should this be so hard? It will be 18 years this August that we stood before God, each other, and our friends and family and vowed to be together through good times and bad. I never dreamed that we would have so much “bad”. We both failed miserably in the forsaking others department. I don’t understand it.
I remember when I broke my vows many years ago. I was so disappointed in myself, and still am. I fell into a terrible sin. I never dreamed that I could do that. The devil, I thought, was laughing with delight. I knew that I would keep my guard up against further attacks. As the years went on though, my guard was down. He crept in and got to my wife. Always trying to destroy marriages. (Hope I didn’t scare any non-believers) I’m not a religious wacko, sometimes I just look at it for what it is. A sin.
It’s almost to the point where it’s beyond her infidelity. There is just no love there. I don’t know when it got so bad. My wife used to adore me. I’ve never experienced the awful feeling of being unloved.
I try to think about at what point that it happened. When did I lose my wonderful wife? I guess a few years ago. I can’t put my finger on it.
She is constantly depressed and I cannot seem to help her. She is always worried about looking so good. To me she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Yet, she doesn’t care what I think. It’s much more important to her to turn the head of a construction worker or someone driving by.
I never thought that she could be like this, do these things to me or just plain not care about me. Today we went to church and when I wasn’t around she told my daughter that she is tired of living in a cage and she needs some alone time away from me.
I don’t understand the comments. What cage? I don’t do anything.
Time to try and chalk this up as another bad day.
Thanks for listening to Rock-the nutcase and his pity party again.
Rock

Rock,

I read what you have posted, and I think you should print out this last post and give it to your W. She needs to know what you think and feel, and the good thing is that this post is really about you more than her.

I would also mention to her, what you over heard. Do it when you are not mad, but talk with her about this. Sometimes people need to know they CAN go, even if we don't want them to. Sometimes people do go, even when we don't want them to.

Isn't it time you started to dream again? Isn't time you started to plan for your future? Isn't time, that you started looking toward some good things in your life? If you want to draw your W back in, you need to take what you have learned and use it to make life something worth smiling about. And then start to smile.

Rock, nothing is going to change what happened. Only you can change what will happen in your life. Please think about that.

God Bless,

JL

I want to dream about the future. I'm just stuck in this rut right now. It's hard to see beyond that. I just don't know how to get to that point.
Yesterday was awful. She had this bad attitude, then at bed time she initiated SF. She keeps me so confused. I think she likes that. SHe hates me, she loves me. I really think we need some good MC. But she won't go for it. She had some IC years ago (MC too), but now her old counselor no longer councels and she says that she doesn't feel like rehashing all of her history to someone else all over again.
I will keep plugging along. Thanks for the advice.
Rock

Hang in there. You are going through the necessary grieving about what could have been and what actually is. That is a normal part of healing.

As for the SF, that is very promising. Ask some of the other men here, and I'm sure they would be happy, whether or not their wife was awful all day.

I know, I kind of feel bad for revealing that. Actually the SF is harder for me than her. It's hard to fight the trigger of thinking of her doing that with someone else while it happens. SF for me now is like I am always under the pressure to out perform OM.

Rock, the SF thing was hard for me, too, at first, and I would burst into tears. It is bound to be harder for you than your wife, but it will get better. You just have to concentrate and 'be there'.

This SF issue is why I don't want more graphic details, then I don't really know what to compete with and I can just be myself, with a little extra than before thrown in for good measure!

You WILL get there.

Rock,

I'm so sorry. It was not appropriate for her to say that to your daughter.

The cage she is in is of her own making. Obviously she is unhappy, she is depressed and she doesn't know what to do to change it. I have felt that way as long as I can remember and so what gets blamed? The most likely suspect, her marriage. Unfortunately, she is making the same mistake I always have and unfortunately still do.

What she doesn't realize is that even if she leaves the cage containing you, her cage will always be with her. Changing the external doesn't change the internal, only she can do that.

That I know.

How to do it? Haven't got a clue to that one myself.

Hang in there,

MAZ

Hi MAZ, thanks for the post.
Now today she says that she was just in a bad mood. I really don't understand her cage comment and her overall feeling gof always being trapped or whatever. It seems everyday it is something. After D-day she told me that she would like to start going to church as a family every week, but now she doesn't. I don't want to make her do something she doesn't want to. It was her idea. She said that I will probably never let her go out shopping by herself again so she can be alone. That is not true. I told her that I really don't believe that she is going to run out and see OM. I told her that I know that I have to trust her again.

This morning we had a little discussion about her self esteem. I told her that it hurts me because no matter what I tell her what I think of her that it really doesn't matter to her. She always thinks she is over weight, needs liposuction or a boob job, etc. It is ridiculous. She is about *' **'' and weighs less than ***lbs. Very attractive too, I might add. Well, unfortunately for me, I suppose.
She told me that she doesn't want to get old. I told her that I wish she would maybe get some IC for her low self esteem. She has a lot of issues about her past.
Thanks for the responses!
Rock