She doesn't want to get old???

Is she nuts? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Old is a state of mind, not an age. Right now she is acting OLD, when she reverses that cranial transplant, she will find becoming more...mature (thats the word) is really pretty cool. Kids are launched, and you can go visit them, but more importantly the pressure starts to let off.

Tell that little woman (and she is tiny, I mean really tiny) that she will relish many things about becoming mature, including her H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Getting old...hrrrumph!

JL

Hmmm, maybe I should go back and edit that post that has her size. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Rock,

Women and self esteem. Now that's a topic.

My oldest daughter is very small. They estimate she will be about 4'11'' at the most when grown. I'm trying very hard to make sure that it doesn't become a self confidence problem for her. There have been plenty of kids who told her she's too small to be 11. Yes, that can certainly mess up a gal.

But jeez, I'm 5'5" on a good day and weigh...well...a bit more than Mrs. R. Always have had weight issues and the subsequent lack of confidence. OM2 preferred women such as I, that was a big confidence booster for me.

Sounds to me like she is having a bit of mid life crisis with some self esteem issues for added interest. Reminds me a lot of me now that I think of it.

I think IC would be great for her. I think it would be great for me but I understand her hesitation. I'm not feeling great about discussing all of this face to face with a stranger.

I'm at a point, much like Mrs. R. I think, where I don't know what else to do.

Did you ever mention whether either one of you are on ADs?

My wife has always been self contious(sp) about her physical appearance. As a child she moved around quite a bit and had to constantly attend different schools and try to fit in. A very unstable childhood.
She married me, I had an affair, we had our son die, the OW whom she forgave and made friends with deserted her, she had a misscarriage, we declared bankruptcy, she dealt with some alchohol issues and her dad disowned her for some unknown rerason. Then she had her 3 affairs and has to deal with that.
I would love for her to get some IC or even some MC. She claims that she doesn't want to go through her whole life again with some new therapist. I guess I can't make her.
I've got her to post here, but she says she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't read any books and says that they won't help her. I've gotten her to go to church and have tried an approach of faith, but she says she is mad at God for taking her son. She really won't talk to me much about her feelings and such.
Oh and to answer your AD question, yes, she has been taking ADs for quite some time now, probably about 8 years.
Thanks for the support. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Rock

I definately think that is what it is. She so much hates the thought of getting older. I guess the affairs helpede make her feel that she is still desireable. During that phase she had gotten 2 tattoos, piercings (not that I am against it) it was just not the way she really was. I think it was a real midlife thing.
It's so frustrating because she is right here and I think that she is a wonderful and beautiful woman, but she doesn't seem to care what I think. Why is she always looking at what could be instead of appreciating what she is and what she has?

Rock, this will never come to be as long as she works with 2 of the 3 OM. One OM she sees every day in the same office.

Well, maybe you are right. I don't think that working with OM1 is changing anything. (Here we go again). I guess then that I will have to just take what I can get then. She works with OM1, that's just how it is. I'll have to deal with that. OM3 is nearby but somewhat easy to avoid. She tells me she is. I hope she's not lying.
Speaking of OM3, I have the urge to go down there and bust him in the mouth right now. I don't know why. Oh well. This shall pass.
Rock

Rock - it is not about the OM, it is about your wife and you.

You need to call Steve H and get a plan to help you along.

On to my next thought. Tonight I am sitting here thinking about OM3. I try not to think of him much.
I was just thinking how odd it is that this jerk waltzes into my life, has sex with my wife, gets busted and just gets to move on. No consequences whatsoever. He is single so I can't expose him to anyone.
I could have maybe gotten him in trouble with his employer because I'm sure that his employer would frown upon their employees having sex on the company property after hours.
Normally I just don't think about him because I just want to concentrate on my wife and my marriage.
Lately I have been feeling, I don't know, vengeful or something. I also hav ethe urge just to go down and have another look at him for some reason.
I remember the time when I did have a email discussion with him. He told me that he didn't force my wife to do anything that she didn't want to do.
Gee, what an honorable gentleman. Gosh, please accept my apology Mr. [censored]. I'm sure you hitting on my wife for years had nothing to do with anything.
I'm sure he's off working on his next conquest now anyway. It's nice that my FWW is just another notch on his bedpost. She told me that he flirted with every woman that walked by. So I asked her didn't that tell you what kind of jerk this guy was and she said that she looked beyond that. WTF?
Well, I just needed to vent about OM3 tonight. DOn't even get me started on OM2.
Thanks for listening to my venting. I don't know why, but for some reason this jerk is bugging me for some reason. I know that I have to just let it go as far as he is concerned. I just want some kind of justice. I guess he will have to face his maker someday. I dunno.

RB,

Contacting Steve Harley will help alleviate so much of your pain here and help you work through this. Really worth it!!!

I see no relief from the pain. It's like a huge weight constantly on my shoulders. I am weak. I suck.
Why did she choose to do this to me? This is just incredible. Sometimes I have to just stand back and maybe laugh at it. Unbelievable. I feel like my arms are full and I am trying to hold my whole world together.
I need a big shot of Hope.
Love hurts. Arrgh.

Know why you feel like this?
.
.
.
.
6 month mark. You are at 6 months from dday and this becomes a hard part for BS. Read up on it. There are some posts on the recovery board that talk about it.

SUSHD.

What about calling Steve H?

I'll do a little research. Today I feel like a new man though. Bring it on!!
Thanks for the DSUSH!
Rock

Rock, You are the one that IS holding it together. A weak man would have fled from the hard choices that you made to rebuild and protect your family. As the man, the father, the husband you own the responsibility to protect your family and you are doing just that.

A weak man would have a "revenge" affair.
A weak man would quit.
A weak man would not confront his fears and move forward anyway.
A weak man couldn't do what you have already done.

Thanks GameFace. I really needed that.

You were already recovered but maybe it'll help next time. I don't think I have it nearly as bad as you, but I still get that way.

So why hasn't Mrs Rock agreed to NC? Do you need to go to PlanB? If not yet how long? What do the Harleys say?

How do I know if I'm getting the truth? She has admitted (well, only because she got caught) to a PA with OM3, but denies any PA with OM1 or OM2. I have been checking into things and am starting to get curious about her maybe not telling me the truth about what happened with OM1 and OM2. Do I demand the truth (is that even possible) or do I just take her word and disregard my thoughts on the subject.
I hate not knowing the truth. How do I deal with not knowing the whole story? How can I really get the honest to God truth? Do I need the truth?
I always had told her that I don't want her to try and "protect" me. I just want the truth so I can deal with. I hardly ever got any confessions it was usually just her admitting to things that I found out.
Am I too far along (6 months) into recovery that it should matter. I want to know more!!!
Rock

Rock,

Let me be brutally frank with you. You know she has had affairs, all emotional at least one physical. You worry about the physical affair as most of us guys would,but the emotional ones are and were FAR more dangerous to the marriage and you.

So let's start with a FACT. You are worried about the wrong darned thing, and hence you get no relief from it. You are focused on the wrong part. You need to get her to talk about the emotional connections she had, and might still have with these men. She may be honest about that.

But, here is another fact. You know she has had "carnal" knowledge with at least one other man, does it matter with the other two??? I think not, given that the real issue was/is the emotional.

ANother fact, ALL WS's lie. Period end of story. You can TRUST that she was lying during the affair, and about the affair. Her reasons are probably many, but you KNOW this for a fact, so why keep beating on it? It is fruitless.

Now, how about now? Does she lie to you now? Will she lie in the future? Only she, you , and data can confirm this. THis is why the WS must be an open book about their actions now. If they are and if she is, you can rebuild a great deal of trust, but you will NEVER trust her 100% again. Oddly, even Dr. Harley says you should have NEVER trusted her 100% before so why try to do that now.

Look at the data, is she lying about things she is doing now? If not, rejoice and realize that there is a future, IF you are vigilant, and work on this marriage. Your gut will let you know if anything starts up again.

In some sense this is like an autoimmune disease. You are attacking yourself, and destroying yourself in the process. Back off, live today, work on tomorrow, and realize that she has lied, she has had sex with someone or ones outside of the marriage, and she has become very emotionally attached to 3 men before. Yet, YOU want this marriage, and so does she.

So if you both want this marriage,isn't it time to address this marriage and not the one you had months ago?

You two have been through some very tough times and yet here you are back together, somewhat beaten up and bruised but still together. Work from that point my friend, NOT from the point of the affair.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I see your points JL, but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with before. I just had this little relapse because I came acroos some old stuff and it got me thinking. Believe me, I feel sorry for her and what she is going through also. Part of me just wants to know everything. Just lay it all out and let me take a look at it and then I can move on. I don't know.
Then again, I don't want to ruin all the progress we have made so far.
AArghhh!!!!!!!

So I should just let my thoughts, fears and feelings about the affairs go and just move on? How can that possibly be? I realize at some point that HAS to happen, but shouldn't it happen when I know that I have everything I need and then I can truly move on?
In other words you are saying what's done is done. It doesn't matter if it was another PA or not, right? I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I'm just trying to get the point.