Hey Dh59, I purchased the book this weekend and started reading it. So far it's very good. It makes lots of sense. A really good read.

Well, remember when I said in one of my posts that I hope I didn't blow my weekend getaway? Well, I already seemed to. Mrs. Rock read my post where I was joking and said now I can badger her all weekend. She didn't find it humorous at all. See how I mess things up?
Oh well, just a little update.
Rock

Hi Rock, glad you think the book is good. I am getting through it quite quickly now - about half way.

Oh dear, that's not good, but surely she could see it was said jokingly!!

My update is that I've been on such a high all weekend, that I'm not even sure I want to go through the questions now!! If I can maintain this good mood, I think we're onto a winner. H keeps looking at me thinking I have to crack at any moment, and I'm so stubborn (my old self coming back) that I'm not giving him (or me) that satisfaction. I'll have another think about the questions when I get to the appropriate chapter in the book and read it in more detail.

Take care, and hope you can recover from this little setback.

She tends to only see the bad things I write. It's frustrating. I'm glad you are doing so well. Hopefully my rollercoaster ride is back on the upswing.
I'm just so tired of the emotional battle. Maybe I can go see a hypnotist and get him to make me forget everything that has happened.
Thanks for the post.
Rock

O.k., here's today's dilema. A few months ago I dropped off a letter to OM2 just to tell him what a scumbag I thought he was. (you may remember in a earlier post). A week or so later I got an email from him telling me that my FWW was the aggressor and pursued him. He threatened to get a restraining order on me and possibly charge me for slander.
I was so shook up at recieving this news and info about my FWW that I sent him an apolgy telling him that maybe I jumped the gun and I should have gotten more info from my FWW before I confronted him.
Well now I feel like a jerk because I actually apologized to this jerk. I kind of want to tell him that I want to take back my apology. My FWW said that she almost wrote him to tell him off (that would have been great and a great moral booster for me). Should I just let it go? WHat do you think?
Rock

Here's a copy of an unfinished note I started to write but never sent:
_____________________
I’ve been thinking. I know that it’s just a waste of my time to even try and talk any sense with you. I know that something went on between you and *****. That is a fact. As far as to what extent, that remains a mystery to me. I have heard two different sides of the story. I’m afraid that I will most likely never know the whole truth. Some time ago I wrote you a letter because I wanted to just at least let you know that I was aware that something indeed did go on. I admit that I probably did not go about it very well. I should have done it differently. I think that I was hoping that maybe you would have been man enough to at least admit that there were some things that went on that were inappropriate and maybe even possibly an apology. That would have sufficient for me and I would just move on.
Instead you decided to threaten me with restraining orders and charges of slander. I guess that’s how you handle things. Even though in no way did I ever threaten you or wish any ill will towards your business. Why you had to go in that direction, I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t expecting a response like that. I know that my wife did some dumb things and admitted to some bad decisions concerning what happened. I feel though that you making yourself out to be this highly moral person who had or wanted nothing to do with her is ridiculous. Most of your statements didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me nor did I find any of it relevant to the situation that I thought that I was addressing.

Rock Rock Rock,

I have not read your letter and I'm not going to either. Don't bother sending it. OM could give a crap about you and how you feel. Don't waist your time.

Pick your fights Rock. You want to come out the "winner" here? Live a good life with a loving wife. You are with your wife now, not OM 1,2, or3.

Move on and work on bigger issues.

By sending a letter to OM you give him too much power. Power that he is not worthy of my friend.

Ditto everything M2L said. It accomplishes nothing except lets him know you're still bothered. What do you hope to gain. He's going to admit he's a sleaze and beg for forgiveness? In the last communication btw OM2 and DH, OM2 stated that he could have me if he wanted but he would respect my wishes to remain with my family. I was irate! I wanted to tell him off bigtime. DH said the best revenge was to get on with our lives.

None of us are ever going to get the "closure" we want. It just isn't possible. Moving on is the best thing we all can do.

I hope Mrs. R understood that you were joking about your badgering comment...and I hope that you two do enjoy your weekend together and refrain from A talk!

Rock, sometimes I get accused of looking for problems where there doesn't need to be any. You wouldn't know anything about that wouldya? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hope all else is well.

MAZ

You two are right on. I think I just pop in here to get straightened back out sometimes. Thank you.

LOL Rock!

You know how it is. We all need someone else's perspective.

See, that's about what I get or how I feel these other guys thought. To a certain extent they did have her. I hope she feels irrate too.
Anyway, I can't keep dwelling on these scumbags.

Yes, Rock, worrying about the OM and what he does or doesn't think is really not worth it. I, too, got into an email exchange with OW, where she tried to justify what she did, and she then started her own backlash, sending even more emails to my H that appeared to be fishing for sympathy. No amount of reasoning with these people will get you anywhere.

I think, perhaps, you may have been wrapped up in some sort of obsession with OP, just like I was, which is holding up your recovery. I think that part of my recent 'epiphany' was that I have finally decided to let go of the anger towards OW, which was also partly spilling over towards my H, when he was trying to repair what he'd done, making it appear that I wasn't appreciating it. I was, at one point, frantically searching the Internet for proof that she was a scammer out to trap an unsuspecting British man for marriage, trying to find out her home and work address to expose her to all and sundry, etc. Complete waste of time and energy, and the constant thoughts and imaginings made me quite ill.

Concentrate on what your W is doing now to help you, tell her what else she can do, if anything, to help you move forward. If she cares, she will help you. Stay calm, dignified and serene and you will show yourself to be the better man.

Take care.

How are you doing MAZ? I wondered if you were still lurking out there. It's nice to know that I got you to pop in and post to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks.
Kinda like my guardian angel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
I hope things are going well. I am reading Not "Just Friends" right now. It's helping me a lot. Have you read that one?
Rock

LOL, you're making me laugh...

"endless drivel" that's an apt description of my threads...!...and...if I'm your guardian angel, you seriously need a replacement!

I'm doing well, thanks. Been real busy work wise with the holiday weekend so I haven't been around as much, but this week is slowing down. I am suscribed to a bunch of threads so I keep up even if I don't have time to post right away. I have not read the book you mentioned. I am reading a book "It's all in your head: thinking your way to happiness" by Pollan. It's really good. I have a gotten a lot out of it. One quote in particular I'm going to add to my signature when I get the book out of my car and can quote it verbatim. Something about the pursuit for happiness is often a great cause of unhappiness...the book said it better though.

I've been posting to a book recommendation thread and everytime I come across a good book or one is mentioned in a post I add it there. Someday I plan to read every book on that thread. Check it out sometime and see if there are any good ones that aren't already listed.

I imagine the Easter bunny visited your dd's? What did he (she? it? lol) bring?


MAZ

I think I 've done more reading in the past six months than I have in years. I really don't know what I'm looking for but it seems to keep my mind occupied.
I will have to check out your book thread.
The weather here is horrible. We're supposed to get some snow tonight.
Yes, the Easter Bunny visited us. I think the girls are just coming down from their sugar buzz now. Take care!
Rock

Well MAZ,
tonight was my bad night. She's been being very good lately, well actually it's been a rollercoaster and she even admits it. We think it may be her ADs that she's on. I'm not sure.
Anyway, we laid inbed and tried to discuss things. I tried to question her about maybe having some emotional bonds to maybe OM3. She denied any. It got ugly at times. I admit that I even may have dropped a LB or two. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
She just can't imagine what I still might want to know, etc. We talked about our past and she told me that she felt that we got married too young. She always has this notion that she forced me to get married to her and nothing could be further from the truth.
She told me that we never spent much time together when we were first married. I told her that I was sorry that I made her feel that way and if I could go back I would have done things differerntly by showing her how important she really was to me. She felt that she was always second fiddle to my family.
We went on and on. I told her that I haven't felt that I have been loved for a few years now. She told me that maybe she wanted me to leave her. I told her that I didn't want that. She told me that she has built walls up around her for fear of disappointments.
It wasn't pretty at times, but I tried to keep it calm. I thanked her for at least making the effort to talk to me and that I appreciated it.
Just a little update. I told her that I would love to get some MC.
I love my wife. Is there something wrong about that?

Post deleted by rockbottom06

Rock,

Yes, I am out here for a few minutes. Been doing the taxes. It is going to be brutal writing the check this year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think you missed something in your talk. I think you BOTH are missing something. I have said it before and I will say it again. The past is to learn from not to recreate.

Your discussion about how she felt she married too young is a classic example. First, you have to accept that she felt and feels this way. Second, accept that she saw your actions in those days as not supporting her love for you.

So what did you learn? You should have learned from this conversation what you should do in the future so that she doesn't say "Rock we stayed married too old." How? You accept her feelings, you accept that you two have a future together, and you talk about HOW YOU can make her feel loved, enjoyed, respected, and appreciated.

You can accept her views of the past and learn from them. Their validity is not as important as that they are there. The point is what are you going to do now. With some luck you two have 40+ more years of marriage. In short you are barely 1/3 of the way through. Isn't it time you started to plan to enjoy it????

With regard to her walls. I think you can acknowledge that they are there right. Something you both agree on. You could observe that she is not very happy suggesting that those walls are hurting HER. What you want is to have her in your life and for her to be happy with you, AND you happy with her. The walls are hurting you both, and they are not protecting her from the pain of life are they.

Laughing, loving, trusting, and helping are FAR BETTER protections from what ails her and you. So why don't you two discuss what it would take for her to remove those walls. What is it you would like to find behind them and how would you treat her if she came out? Talk about this for awhile.

You can avoid LB's if you are in this to learn and grow. Then you listen, you absorb, you don't have to agree. But, the things you disagree with most are very likely to be your OPPORTUNITIES to turn this around.

Rock, it is time for an attitude adjustment. You are in this to learn, grow, enjoy your family, your W, and your life. Start making plans to do that, and see if she will join you in these plans. It could start out with something as simple and yes stupid has having to kiss one another 3 times a day. Plus, one big hard hug a day. And some smiles.

In college I had a football coach who used to yell at me, when I blew a play: "D*** boy do something wrong, right once in your life." It took me awhile to figure that out, but it has stuck with me for over 40 years.

You are afraid of being hurt so you are just standing there watching the play happen. she is afraid of being hurt and she is just standing there watching. If you two would do something with the idea of making your lives more fun, better, and enjoyable, it is bound to be better even if it is wrong, than doing NOTHING.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for the response JL. You must be a night owl. Everything is just so frustrating. It seems almost impossible for us to communicate. I really don’t know what to do. I want to get through all this. I want to heal. I’m not sure what she wants. We can never talk about it. She just gets all defensive and goes off on me about how I think that I am better than her. Stuff like that. I’m told about what a terrible husband I was, how I was so mean to her when we dated. All kinds of stuff like that. She tells me that maybe she wants me to leave.
I don’t know. I see three options.
1. Sticking to my guns and fighting for my marriage. We have two wonderful daughters that I want to maintain a stable life for. Plus I do love my wife. I always have and I don’t ever see myself not being in love with her. Do the right thing and continue to work on my marriage.
2. Just accept that things will never get better, try to just accept that my wife had these affairs and basically just exist together and go through the motions for the sake of our kids.
3. She says she might want me to leave. This one’s odd. What am I suppose to do, just pack up and leave? I don’t really know if this is something I could do. That would be really odd. I guess it’s still an option though.
It all seems like it’s back to foggy-talk sometimes. I don’t know if it’s her way of dealing with things. I’m not sure.

Rock, I can really feel what you're going through. I am really glad that my H was able to come out of his fog so quickly. I do hope your W soon comes round to being able to listen to your pain and help you through this, whether this is through talking together or counselling.

All I can say to you is keep your chin up! (Not sure if you have that saying over your side of the pond)

Rock,

you keep going around and around with this crap.

Two things my friend.

#1. things will not get better for good until your wife no longer has contact with any of the OM. I know the so called reasons of why this is not a good idea - I have heard them. Do you two want a good M or a M that is stuck in this rut, but still a good job? You can have both, but it will take work maybe even moving. Right about now I don't think Mich looks too good with the snow.

#2. I have said this many times - call Steve H and get his help. You and the Mrs call him.