Thanks DH for taking the time to reread my posts and for taking the time to help me. I appreciate it. This roller coaster I'm on isn't a daily ride, it seems like an hourly ride. SOmetimes during the day I am very strong and sometimes I get really down. I'm gonna let your post sink in a litle and respond a bit later. Thank you so much.
Rock

Well, I'm not sure how much help it is giving you. I'm only relating how I did what I've done. I'm not saying I have it all plain sailing either - I had a bit of a bad day yesterday, for one reason or another. Probably the hormones, although a non-A question I posed (about our SF) was answered with a little lack of enthusiasm! Although we had just woken up and H was half asleep still, so I shouldn't really have reacted as I did. I will blame the hormones!!

I feel that you can make it, and I think you need to concentrate on the things your W HAS done, rather than on what she's not doing. At least she has been here and posted - my H would never even dream of doing that. And she did arrange your recent weekend break, so something must be right somewhere.

Another good book is How Can I Forgive You, by Janis Spring - which talks about self-forgiveness too. I found that and her other book, After the Affair, very good. Along with Not Just Friends, I would say they are the ones that helped me the most. I had a couple more, but they were a bit superficial.

Well, recently I have apologized to my FWW for anything that I may have done to cause her to make some bad decisions or anything to push her into that direction. I have taken responsibility for my part.
I have been talking a lot with MAZ and she has helped me very much.
This all still hurts like heck. With spring being here and summer moving closer. All the triggers are going to be coming on..
Eh, I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Glad you are getting some help. It does hurt, I agree, and I have been taking a bit of a backslide myself this week. Could be the stress of our upcoming holiday. We leave on Thursday for sunnier climes for two weeks, but I'm twitched up like crazy with all the packing and preparing. I just want to be there without all this hassle and having to think. Or it could be that it's trigger time for me, too.

I, too, apologised for any part I had to play in our 'downfall' but made it clear that this in no way excused what he did. Lately my thoughts about the affair have not been bringing the tears and upset that they did in the beginning, but other thoughts are driving me mad at times. Such as what a complete waste of a life I've had, making sacrifices (personal and career) for H all along the way, and that, not being too happy in the marriage about 8-9 years in, I should have high-tailed it then - it would have saved myself all this current grief. Just rambling thoughts that keep me occupied on the sleepless nights!!

Take care.

Hey DH, sorry you've been kind of down. Your comment about wasting your life kind of stuck out at me.
I don't feel like I've wasted my life, but this sure has made me look back and question a lot of things. I tend to look back and wonder what was real and what wasn't. It's like you have to learn who your WS really is once again. You look for the part of the WS that you really believed that they were. I am still in shock that my FWW had it in her to do such a terrible thing. It's easy for me, I think, as a FWH to look at it and wonder what was she thinking? Why did she want to do this to me, her family and even herself.
I guess I can't break away from that.
Take care DH.
Rock

I think it was very admirable of you to make that apology. It should mean a awful lot. Not that your responsible for her A's but for admitting your part in the state of the M prior, that's a big step.

Take it day by day. I know Ace had a good thread about Triggers somewhere if you want to dig for it, lol!

Anytime you need to, just post here. I never know what I'm trying to say half the time either...

Thanks MAZ, I just know that I am not a very strong emotional person. I think if I was that this would be much easier. I guess though, that I've made it this far, so that must mean something.
Thanks.

Rock,

I think the very nature of sticking around and trying to work things out with someone who has hurt you so deeply is a very strong and courageous thing to do. In my opinion, it would be easier to give in to pride and leave, than to stay and go through the pain that's required for recovery.

My DH has mentioned that he felt he lost all his dignity but I feel just the opposite. I have more respect for him because he didn't cut and run, even though he had every right too.

You've kept your family together under one roof. Be proud of that.

-MAZ-,

Pay attention to what your H is saying about his dignity. It is a very crucial part of healing and hard for the BS to address.

I am not sure how you should address such a conversation, but I would ask him, if he mentions it again, to express to you how he sees himself after all of this. My bet??? He does not respect himself for what he feels is allowing his love for you to overcome "good sense". He feels that was a "weak" decision. You know us guys, being weak is not a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Further, he fears he "knows" that he will be dumped or replaced if he fails you as an H. He KNOWS he was/is replacable in your heart.

Now whether that is true or not, these may be his feelings. If they are listen to them, validate them. Offer your view of things from YOUR perspective. Perhaps you are grateful that he remained. Perhaps you admire his ability to love you through all of this. Perhaps it is his honesty. Whatever it is, be honest but be specific about how you feel about him.

You can see Rock going through the same thing.

Must go.

JL

I can relate to this, Rock. I will try and keep this in mind myself, when I'm feeling all is lost. New mantra!! "I've made it this far - not much further to go now."

Yes I do understand that...I have told him every single time he has mentioned it, that I have more respect for him because he stayed, because he doesn't throw it in my face or use it against me. I know that is a big thing for you guys...but I do have immense respect for a man who can put his pride aside to keep his family together. That is HUGE, imo...

I can definitely relate to the feeling that you've been stripped of all of your "dignity". But sometimes I have to stop and tell myself that I am chosing the difficult path that is better for everyone (including myself) in the long run. It would be very easy to just unleash the anger and hurt; just do what would make ME feel better RIGHT NOW with no consideration to the kids or our family. So be proud of yourselves for chosing the *difficult* but dignified path. Pat yourself on the back today because you deserve it!

I came across a post that I think may be relevant to your issue with dealing with....the....big....WHY?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=3&vc=1

thanks schoolbus...

Thanks MAZ. Funny though, I just read that one before I checked here!

Ahh, I'm beginning to think there's an epidemic!

Rap with Rock?

You're tryin' to be funny aren't ya?

Hello all. Or at least you, who clicked on my thread. Just a little update on me and FWW.
Things have actually been going rather well. FWW is opening up some to me and it is starting to feel like we are on the same team sometimes. So that is good.
The only problem is that when it seems to be going good, for some reason I don't think that it should be. It's rather confusing sometimes.
All in all though I am very encouraged.

You already know the answer to this.

MAZ, please listen to what JL has said here as this is EXACTLY how I feel and would bet how most BS's (especailly men) feel.

Respect and dignity for men defines us and that is why we sometimes feel weak for not playing hardball with our WW's. It not a good feeling being second choice so you will have to CONSTATNLY assure your BH and fill his EN for admiration. Saying it once certainly won't restore his dignity.

He is probably struggling with his love for you and knowing he comprimised some core values by sticking around after being betrayed by the person he trusted the most.

HopeThisWorks,

I do totally get this. I have been aware of this for some time. I know he struggles with this, just last night there was a movie on about a woman who caught her husband cheating and she pretty much Plan A'ed herself and moved on. The WS eventually saw the strong woman she became and realized what he had lost but she wasn't going back. DH said something like, "well she didn't take him back" and I just knew he was feeling like other people would think he was wrong/weak for not bootin' me to the curb. I know DH struggles with this, thinking he is weak for the choice he made. I have been and still am trying very hard to show him that he has not made a mistake and won't regret sticking it out.

The thing is, because of what he has done, I have more respect for him than I ever did. He showed me what he's really made of. No vindictiveness, no retribution, just recovery. In my eyes his actions lent him immense dignity.

There is nothing "weak" about making the right decision to work at saving your marriage. It's been the toughest thing that I have ever done. Your husband, MAZ, must be a very strong person.
My only problem with the choice to "stick it out", is that hopefully it is worth the fight in the end. If that makes any sense. I am willing to fight for my wife and my marriage, but what am I really fighting for? Is this the person that I think she was, or is that person gone forever and I am now just fighting for the shell of the former person. I am confused.