Take some anti-D's. They should work in around 22 days. Then you will feel remarkably better and be able to cope with everything. I don't know what it is with men and depression meds, but for some reason they don't want to take them. They would rather "tough it out". In the meantime, life is miserable, and you can't help yourself or your marriage.

My husband was depressed, and also refused to take anything. Instead he had an affair. Now, he is back to being depressed. Sad.

For what it's worth, I don't think Mrs. Rock is putting much effort into the recovery. So YOU need to be the one to do all you can. I think that includes some meds.

Having a better outlook on things doesn't help clinical depression. It's like telling someone with a broken leg to have a better outlook about their fracture.

Lexapro really helped me keep it together when I was at rock bottom. I once was on Effexor for a couple months earlier in my life and the Lexapro worked MUCH better.

Thanks believer. I appreciate your input. I just want to first try to change my attitude a little and see how that goes. MAZ had a good heart to heart withme and inspired me to look at things ina different way that I have. I know that probably doesn't make much sense, but I feel (at least for now) a new positive outlook. Hence my new screen name to Rocksolid. lol.
Yes, us men are stubborn.


To me, I know that it will never get better unless we open up and talk about it. In time, I suppose. I have to show her and prove to her that she can be comfortable talking to me about it. In the meantime I am going to be the best Rock I can.

I guess as far as having depression goes, I would like to be evaluated to see if I really am depressed.

Are these ADs or anti-anxiety?

AD's.

A good book for you to read is Janis Abrahm Spring's "After the Affair". She gives excellent advice on recovering. Often the WS may be holding back, and the BS may be misreading actions. She helps to sort all of it out.

She also gives examples of practical ways the WS can make amends. And she helps the BS let the WS know what they need.

You are depressed.

Or else you are a drama queen and making up how you feel. LIke I said, what you have said is textbook depression.

A professional will ask you a bunch of questions. You can find out what they are for yourself. Google depression test. Go here, for example:

http://www.med.nyu.edu/psych/screens/depres.html


Some people are foolish.

Well, I failed that test.

I said a few pages ago that you need some ADs, and now everyone else is telling you the same. Please try them for a while, just to see if they help. I stopped mine due to some side effects, but I think I am going to go back on them for a while, as the natural remedies are not quite doing the job. My holiday was fine, but the second week was not good, as it was the 1-year anniversary of the A starting proper. It's a good job we were with a couple of friends, otherwise I don't know what I would have been like. I am working up to asking my big questions, but H has been very understanding and has answered a few extra ones.

Thanks DH. I actually did make an appt with my Dr., but I can't get in for a couple of weeks. I'm still not sure that I need any ADs. I've been doing rather well the last few days. My wife has opened up a little more to me. That helps so much to be actually able to talk about things a little bit. She shared a few things with me, and although it stung a little, I was so glad to hear it. I thanked her and told her that I appreciated it.
I hope things are going better for you!
Rock

Things are going OK, thanks. Had a couple of days back on the ADs and feel a bit more 'with it' now. Hopefully, I will get past the side effects if I can stay on them a bit longer than I did last time, otherwise I will ask doc to change to another one.

I was reluctant to go back on them, as I would have a few good days and think I was doing OK. But then down I would go again, so I've decided to take them for a while in order to keep a clear head.

I'm glad your W seems to be opening up. Hope it continues to improve for you.

Eh, it's day by day. Overall, if I look back to how I was 4 or 5 months ago, things are much better. She has told me a few things which has helped me. I still don't know about ADs. I promised her that I would make an appt with our Dr. And I did. I just don't know what good they will do or if I even need anything. I'll go talk to the doc though.
I hope things keep improving for you too!

What kind of side effects?

Rock - They all have some side effects. I took Zoloft which really helped. I felt completely great on day 22. But the first 10 days or so I felt strange. I don't know how to explain it - just not right. But that went away.

Also I had trouble sleeping, and my doc told me to take it in the AM instead of at night. That worked. Then there are sexual side effects - it is very hard to have an orgasm - don't know why, but it is.

And I had a dry mouth.

But there are some meds that don't have the sexual side effects. Ask your doc. And you shouldn't drink alcohol, although I did have a drink on occasion.

After taking the meds for a couple of months, the side effects went away. I continued taking them for about 14 months, and then tapered off with no problems.

I suggest you try anti-D's for a month or two. You should notice a remarkable difference. If you don't, then taper off of them. You have nothing to lose.

I was prescribed Sertraline, which is the UK name for Zoloft. I haven't been able to get past day 5 or 6 without giving up. Only managed three days this time. The trouble is, I just got over some of my menopausal symptoms, which then returned as a side effect of the ADs - insomnia, heartburn, dizziness, loss of libido/sensation. I woke up at 3am this morning and the room was spinning round! Although I did have some wine with dinner last night, which doesn't mix very well.

Apparently Wellbutrin (Zyban) does not have the sexual side effects, but I'm not sure what else it does. I am thinking of asking the doc about it. I could cope with the side effects if they were not as troublesome, and if I knew they would subside after a while, but I would like some sleep, after a year of troubled sleeping I am rather tired now!

I don't want to argue with you all, but I really don't know what these ADs are supposed to do. Is it supposed to just numb me from all this pain?

Might not save your marriage, but it may save your sanity and make you feel better about yourself, which may in turn make your W feel better about you. There are ADs that will not make you drowsy and unable to function (which I have experienced in the very distant past). The ones I took recently simply made me feel 'different' but I could still function. It was just the side effects that caused the problem, which may have been worse due to my hormonal problems.

I have just been to the doc's this morning and he has now prescribed Amitriptyline, which should also help me to get a good night's sleep - something I have been lacking for some time. I will see what side effects this one has. Although he did say I looked much better now than at the beginning of the year.

Just discuss with your doctor and don't be afraid of the ADs - they are not forever.

Well,things have been up and down lately. FWW and I both walk around on eggshells and it really sucks. This, to me, is all the fault of no communication. She has to watch every little thing that she says or else I might throw a jab or two out at her. Which I have.
I think that I jab because I am still trying to figure things out. I don’t know. All I seem to know is that my wife had an affair. I really don’t know how it started, what went on and other stuff. I really think that I am entitled to know more information.
I understand her side though. She’s probably worried about hurting me more or she’s ashamed of what she has done. I think though that it’s to the point where we throw this whole mess on the table, set up a plan, and get through it. I am so tired of this mess.
I don’t want my FWW to be so upset anymore. It’s effecting my daughter too. She’s worried that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. I hate that she has to suffer through this too.
I love my wife more than anything. I want to protect my children from any pain.
Last night my FWW said that she has had enough and was going to write down every detail of what happened. I tried to talk to her but that didn’t work. I did read a little of what she had written and I have to admit that it did help me.
I just want to know what happened. I think that I do have a right to know what went on since it does effect me and my marriage.
Do you agree? Am I being unreasonable? What do you think?

Still up and down here, too.

I would say I do agree with you, although you should try not to throw the jabs. It seems like she will open up if you give her a chance but don't throw it back at her. Tell her that what you have read has helped you and it may encourage her to do more.

I'm a little tired of this mess, too. I'm not sure whether all this hassle will be worth it in the end. I keep visiting MB looking for words of wisdom that may help me through the turmoil, and there are a couple of useful threads going at the moment. Still, my brain is in no fit state to make life-changing decisions at the moment.

Take care.

Rock,

I'm about to enter the same water your in. I have to know what happened and I feel that I am entitled to the whole truth. For the moment, my WW and I have agreed not to discuss the A without a councilor. We have to learn to communicate and resolve conflicts before we try it on our own. I'm sure that if we talked about it now, it wouldn't be pretty.

I would love to just sit and talk about it. I'm tired of secrets and being "protected". I want to move on.
I think that I jab because of insecurity reasons. I think that if I knew the whole story of the affair that I really wouldn't have any reason to.
I think early on after D-Day I should have sat down and asked fro the whole story. I think that part of me felt sorry for her and what she was going through. Probably because I was a FWS and I know the humiliation of being on that side was too.