Thank you Mr. Rock for "trying" to clarify things. We have been through this before with posters to this thread. Thank you for hanging in there with me, unlike what one poster said recently "I DO" respect my husband. But I don't know if I will be back here again.

MrsRock:

Hang Around.

Can't hurt.

And will help.

Can some knock you around?

Yes.

Are they providing good advice? Yes.

Don't you understand that your continuing to work with the OM can be detrimental to your M? To your H feeling that he is first in your life?

My OW moved to another state. I am so glad she did. It made recovery so much easier for my BS and me.

If she had stayed, the temptation would have been to great. Her last attempt at contact was two weeks after dday, and BS answered the phone, and that was it.

Did I have alot of issues to work on? Oh, yes!!!

Did I? Yes. With my BS. The unresolved issues in your M from your H's affair 12 years ago continued and festered until you succumbed to the same things.

The more you read here, the more you would understand how even this indirect contact with OM slows recovery.

You might not feel the need to leave your job now, and you and RS may have alot of reasons to not leave this position now. (Salary, Benefits, Flexible Schedule, close by, etc.) But the more you learn about MB, the more that you would actually WANT to leave your job. Because it would be the right thing to do. And this realization can come in two months, or two years.

And you might get lucky, and OM leaves, like my OW did. We can not predict the future.

If that was to happen, I think that you would see your Recovery start to move faster.

Just my opinion. When we stray, we lose alot of direction. I have been there, and now you have too.

I rebuilt my M with tremendous support from my BS.

But we both committed to it. I did many things I didn't think were that important, (Caller ID? a godsend!) but were important to BS. And the MB way does not prescribe that you MUST do that, or you MUST do this. It's not a MUST, but it is the path that is generally the shortest. But if you are making progress on the path, then these sticking points, be it leaving this position, or something else, will become evident soon enough. And then you will have to address them because they are holding your recovery back.

So, please hang around. There are a number of FWW's here that will give you support if you need it. You have taken a HUGE first step by just posting. Remember that. You are so much further ahead.

And is RS a better husband now then he was before he came here?

I hope so. You can to.

LG

Mrs. Rock

If one person runs you off for offering an opinion, right or wrong then I wonder about the thickness of your skin and willingness to do the "work" required to rebuild your marriage or anything else that falls apart in your life.

Regardless, I appreciate the fact that you are making an attempt to restore your marriage but I sense very little remorse and instead hear "Just like I did when I didn't leave him 12 years ago", sounds like justification or rationalization to me.

I don't really care about anything except you and Mr. Rock recovering your M. I hope you will not quit posting here. There are a lot of good people here who want to help. Others help with a more firm and less tolerant hand. I would suggest that because you don't like their approach or words you don't ignore them. Whatever their approach or words there is some grain of truth to them and it hurts you or makes you mad at people "judging" or calling you to account, imo.

Oh well, here's hoping that you hang around or start your own thread aimed specifically at building a new marriage.

I agree.

I also feel that the situation is that she loves her job and does not want to leave it and Mr. Rock does not want to make it a dealbreaker because he feels she will choose the job over him.

There are also a whole host of other issues that are going on here, depression of both parties (resistance to AD's which I feel are extremely needed by Mr. Rock), consensual yet inappropriate relationships and behavior with friends in the past, unwillingness to go to MC, and unwillingness to follow much advice given to either of them.

In all honesty, I'm not sure there has been much progress in their recovery. I think the saying that you can't do the same thing over and over and expect different results applies here.

To be honest, this quote bothers me also.

I know where you all are coming from. Believe me, I would love nothing more for her to never see OM1 again in her life. I just think that we will be able to work through this. I have confidence that we can still survive through this and she can set up some boundaries.
If not, then she cheats again and we are through. We both understand this.
As far as not taking advice, the only advice I think I haven't taken is the demand that FWW quits her job. I am getting advice from both sides about taking ADs or not taking them.
I also feel that I have come a long way since I first came here.

1. Mr. R - see your own Dr. about your health needs. No one here can make that call over a web site as well as your own Dr.

2. I suggested you/wife call the Harleys and get their input/help. You two are stuck in a rut and need help out of it. THEY are the people to do it.

Post deleted by rocksolid

I think she likes to SAY she feels attacked. It stops her from having to be accountable for her choices and for doing any hard work. Basically, she is having her little tantrum and taking her ball and going home. IMHO, she appears to be manipulating you every chance she gets RS.

It is my humble opinion and the opinion of the founder of this site that there are certain things that MUST happen for recovery... not should... MUST. Focus on those for they are the low hanging fruit right now. Do not waiver.

MEDC

Mrs. Rock doesn't like a mirror being held up. She has not fully taken responsibility for the damage she has done and instead still feels justified in her actions because of your A 12 YEARS AGO and or other things YOU may have done that did not make her happy.

I am sure Mrs. Rock is a good woman and wants to do the right thing. The start to this is to FULLY ACCEPT responsibility for the A she had, to FULLY SEE the real damage she has propogated upon RS and her family, TRULY COMMIT to restoring her marriage by making it priority ONE, over any job or OM. Until she is willing to do these things I think you and she will be stuck for a long time to come or until resentment takes hold on one side or the other. Mrs. Rock, the first step back is HUMILITY. I bet you my next paycheck if you came here with humility and an open mind that INCLUDES the possibility that you need to quit your job and have NC with OM you will find a world of difference in people's posts and attitudes towards you.

hopeandpray,

Although Mrs. Rock would probably disagree, I think you are right.

MEDC,

I loved the taking the ball and going home analogy!

Mrs. R,

FWIW, as a FWW, I would not still be here plugging along, a whole one year later if MB was full of people waiting to attack the waywards the moment they show up!

We all know the formula, anger, resentment and entitlement.

Sometimes looking in the mirror s(cks big time, but really look in it we must. Sometimes we think we have, but we really haven't. I don't think a wayward has really come to terms with themselves if they have never truly broken down and lamented at what a piece of [censored] they were.

Rock,

I know you feel stuck between a "rock" (lol) and a hard place. If you enforce any of these boundaries as has been suggested you feel you will lose Mrs. R. Saying she can't quit her job, or you can't spend such and such amount of time together isn't a law, it's a matter of choice. It all is. The choices are hard, require a lot of work and sacrifice...but to say there's no choice is incorrect. Some choices we like, some we don't, but they're all choices nonetheless.

Rock, it's really hard seeing you both go through this anguish, but I know how you feel, I really do.

When I was posting my story, there were some who were telling me I should do this or that, and really they did not know the real situation 'on the ground' as it were. I could tell that I needed to take a different tack, as FWH was making an effort - it just didn't seem like the right kind of effort at the right time. The situation really was not as others were assuming.

So I know that you are probably in a better place than we are all thinking. BUT, you do need to sort yourself out as well. AND, you W does need to do more to help you out of this. Literally in the past week, since my questions, my H has said things to me that I wish he'd said weeks ago: "I didn't realise you cared as much as you do. I didn't realise I cared, but I do". "I love you much more than I realised". When camping this last weekend - "This reminds me of the happier times we had, before I was so stupid, but I know was still being nasty at times". This morning - "I am proud of your strength of character to fight for us in the way you did". In short, he's finally acknowledged that he is the one who was at fault here, not me for not meeting needs, or doing or not doing this or that. It's helped me beyond words. THAT is what you W should be doing, in my opinion.

And I totally agree with all the previous posters on what needs to be done re OM. I could not settle until the end of the project that H and OW were involved in. I had to endure weeks of torture after D-day until ALL contact could be broken for good.

MAZ

I just want to say how much I admire you and other FWW's or FWH's that have come to this site, taken 2x4's across the head and not run away. You are right in that unless there is some point in all of this where the wayward spouse get's it and I mean get's it to the point of wallowing in pain, anguish, embarassment, dismay, tears, and more at who they allowed themselves to be inside the affair there is little chance that a new, stronger, better marriage can be forged.

It takes real courage to look at one's self when the reflection back is not something your are proud nor want to see. Real healing, changing can take place at that point. Everything else is superficial imo. Thanks again for standing in here and not quitting and offering your unique perspective on things.

Post deleted by rockbottom06

How you doin' Rock?

I’m o.k. Thanks for asking DH. Things are pretty much the same. I still check the boards, obviously, but I really don’t have much more to say. My marraige is just kind of dead in the water right now. We don’t talk about M/R at all. We are having a ton of financial problems right now, so that has been sucking up most of our thoughts for the moment.
I was supposed to see my Dr and perhaps talk about some AD, but I had to reschedule until July. I am still working on my list of questions that I would like to ask her. She has told me that she has been writing some stuff for me to. That’s good I guess.
How are things going with you? Thank you so much for thinking of me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Rock

Well, I think we might have turned the corner last night or something. FWW sat down with me and read me a nasty letter that she wrote to OM2 (the one who threatened me with a lawsuit). She isn't going to send it. It was just a litle therapy for her. It felt really good to hear what she had to say. Then we started talking about everything else. I asked her questions and talked about how I was feeling and such. I believe that she was being honest, and although a lot of it stung pretty good, I appreciated hearing the truth and I do feel like a little bit of weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Honesty feels so good.
I wish I just knew how to stop the pain from it all. Does it ever go away? Sometimes I don’t ever think it will end. How does one go on?
Now I don’t know what I really want. She gave me some answers that I wanted. What more do I need? I think part of me wants to know that she is truly sorry. I think I want her to realize the pain that she has caused me. I want her to hate this all as much as I do. I want to know that she is committed to our marriage.
This is hard.

T I M E

time to heal
time to love each other
time to care for each other
time to meet each others EN
time X watch - if your Pres Bush LOL
time spent as a family.

hang in there buddy

Rock, we are doing great now, thanks. Still having some 'hormonal moments' but all in all it's much better.


That sounds very positive - communication is the key. Did you express your appreciation of this move forward? I agree that the truth feels very good. I appreciated the answers to my questions, even though some of it was tough to hear. I feel quite proud of myself for not dwelling on the bad bits. They truly are not bothering me in the slightest. All I want to do is enjoy what we have now, and work to keep it that way (notice I didn't say 'hope it stays that way'?)


Stopping the pain requires you to say to yourself that you don't want it any more - change the way you think about it. It will go away, but you need to work at it. It does seem an impossible task sometimes, but really, YOU are in charge of that.


Think about it, what is it you REALLY want? Will your W be prepared to give it to you? Does it really matter as long as you're moving on? What difference would it make knowing more? Could you live without knowing all the minutiae? This could go on forever if you are constantly looking for something intangible to make you feel better.


Perhaps she is. Did you ask her that?


Perhaps she does. Did you ask her?


Perhaps she does. Did you ask her?


You know what I'm going to say here!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


It is, but it really can and does get better. Since our question session, my FWH has said other things that indicate his remorse and regret, whereas I was totally unsure of his thoughts about all this a few weeks ago. I think that once we initiated some communication, he felt safer telling me more about how he feels. He'd been bottling up his feelings - probably in order not to make me feel worse - and he's just been trying to help me through the bad patches. Yesterday he said he had been a bit depressed at work, and apparently it was because I was feeling depressed that morning and he was concerned. He went to look for something to buy to cheer me up (which he couldn't find and I said he didn't need to do that anyway). He just wants me to feel well, and I do now.

I found THIS THREAD quite enlightening.

Thanks DH, you too M2l. I'll check it out.