Let's see if I do this right: EGG ZAK LEE

I have it pinned up on my bulletin board just above my computer at work. Right above this quote from Pittman:

"I advise spouses who are waiting for their mate's romance to end: don't try to out-romance a romantic. Don't bother to arouse jealousy. Don't try to get your partner's attention, increase your partner's guilt, or threaten some kind of unpleasantness. Just express your point of view and then go off and do whatever holds you together during this time."

You know what you need to do. And yes, it's hard. But it will get easier. And it will get better.

Silent, Rin, CJ, SD, Frog

Thank you all so much. I hope I didn't forget anyone.

My WH was and is a very controling man and has little respect for me. And I'm changing that. He can't control me just like I can't control him. And the respect thing well I have absolutely no respect for him and his ways right now so what do I care if he doesn't respect me. I will treat him as a rude stranger.

CJ I like that game. My biggest fear is being alone and having no one love me. What's the worst thing that could happen? I'd never have someone hug me or ever have S*x again. Help me out here CJ, I need your clarification on this.

I haven't responded to his e-mail and I still don't know if I have court on Monday. Went shopping with DD and her BF and I pick out a sassy skirt and top thanks to DD. My Easter/Court outfit if needed.

Right now watching the frozen 4 game... go Maine.

Still

I see he's still at it. And so it will continue I'm sure, I'm sorry he's so clueless but I'm glad to see you are being realistic as well. Respect is so important, this is a good learning for him. If he can look inside himself to do this. A good learning for you too! Hang in there! You are doing it...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Sooner,

I was a little nervous when I saw your name...it seems I'm always at my weekest at those times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I had been doing better except for the past couple days. I am on my way to being better also. It takes time I know (not very patient)

Yes WH for the most part is trying to engage me. Proud of myself that I didn't respond to e-mail today.

Still

based upon my many interactions with Jennifer and her suggestions to keep "putting out the hand"

i would say something like:

Dear H,

I also think that we could work through any problems together if we are both willing to try and are working towards the same goal. My goal continues to be saving our marraige and keeping our family together. With that in mind, I would be happy to cancel the court date if you would like to attend COUNSELING together to work towards reconciliation.


ps

i honestly doubt that he's ready to accept your offer (he still sound very deep in the fog) so maybe stalling is a better idea

(that's MY big plan!!)

if you really want to STALL

then go ahead and try mediation

maybe it will open a door towards reconciliation

and it will buy you time

even if you end up not agreeing and going to court later

Eav,

I haven't responded to his e-mail and I don't think I have court on Monday. Haven't heard from attorney and I was suppose to meet with him today if we do have to go to court on Monday.

Would Jennifer want me to extend the "olive branch" in plan B?
He knows that I don't want this D.

My attorney also said now it looks like June or July... guess lots of people getting divorces. So that does give more time for planB.

Eve, have you been reading princessmeggy thread on her story? She mentions that she was 2 days away from D when they turned it around. So there is still hope for all of us.

Serenty prayer for all of us here on Good Friday

God grant me the Courage to change the things I can change, the Serenity to accept those I cannot change, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
But God, grant me the courage not to give up on what I think is right, even though I think it is hopeless.


Still

Still:

It's TOO EARLY in your PLAN B to have any communication whatsoever with your WH.

In fact, he should not be able to E-Mail you..as that is CONTACT.

He should only be able to contact you through an intermediary.

Jennifer was encouraging Eav to extend the olive branch after YEARS in PLAN B.

OF COURSE THERE IS HOPE!

"Accept the PRESENT, maintain HOPE for the FUTURE"....

My situation SEEMED HOPELESS, too...

Mimi,

That's what I thought also about the olive branch.

I have no intermediary so unfortunately we have to have communication only when it pertains to bills and kids. I have been ignoring all the other e-mails and tel calls. The only one I answered back was that I would think about outting off court date.

I have not talked to him on the phone since the first day oor two in plan B because I told him to read my letter. Other than that no telephone calls. It hurts too much to hear his voice.

I am accepting the present and hoping for the future... whatever that may hold.

There is something else I wanted toa sk you. I know you called yourself the drive by queen. Did you stop that in plan B?

This is what I am having trouble with... she lives on a street that is my route to everywhere. And where we got about a foot of snow yesterday her driveway hasn't been driven in or plowed for last 2 days. So my imagination is working overtime that she was probably with him. How long into plan B did you do drivebys if you did?

Also just got informed by my attorney that Monday is cancelled there is now a court order that we will continue contributing our paychecks into joint account. My attorney had ordered the court date because WH attorney threatened us at mediation about having WH stop contributing to joint account.

Still

So does this mean that you are actually reading E-Mails from him? Can you set things up so that you do not have to do this? Otherwise this defeats one of the important purposes of PLAN B, for you to be PROTECTED from him..in order to safeguard your love for him. NO CONTACT is supposed to work both ways...NO CONTACT FROM HIM AND TO HIM...He will ASSUME that he is continuing to contact you and that WILL MEET SOME NEED OF HIS...he is to not be able to contact you unless he is ending his affair...I WORKED ON PRETENDING THAT MY H DID NOT EXIST..hard to do but that was best for me...



I won't say that I DID NOT do ANY DRIVEBYS during PLAN B...If and when I did, I was WRONG..they were a BIG MISTAKE..come to find out, though, the DRIVEBYS don't REALLY tell you anything...times I assumed my H wasn't there because I didn't see his car..he REALLY WAS THERE..she had picked him up from somewhere..times her car was NOT THERE and I ASSUMED they were not there and they probably were..MY DRIVEBYS were foolish and stupid...only caused me MORE HURT AND PAIN...

Stop driving by her place, Still..

Go ahead and ASSUME that they are spending as much time as possible together and that IS A GOOD THING DURING PLAN B...you want her to TRY to mee ALL OF HIS NEEDS so that he can see who she REALLY IS..SHE WILL LIKELY FAIL..especially given the length of your marriage..she is CLUELESS on how to best take care of him...

Stay as far as you can from the WAYWARDS...you will be bringing yourself into the PRESENCE OF EVIL..you want to begin LIVING IN THE LIGHT....



GOOD NEWS!!!

Mimi

[ So does this mean that you are actually reading E-Mails from him? Can you set things up so that you do not have to do this? Otherwise this defeats one of the important purposes of PLAN B, for you to be PROTECTED from him..in order to safeguard your love for him. NO CONTACT is supposed to work both ways...NO CONTACT FROM HIM AND TO HIM...He will ASSUME that he is continuing to contact you and that WILL MEET SOME NEED OF HIS...he is to not be able to contact you unless he is ending his affair...I WORKED ON PRETENDING THAT MY H DID NOT EXIST..hard to do but that was best for me...]

I do have to open his e-mails... really we don't communicate very much so I don't think I'm meeting a very big need. Today we have e-mailed due to my running out of oil again. His not paying the full amt of bill. Other than that I ignore them. I'll have to figure out another way about the e-mails then.

I'll start to think as WH not even existing.. that may help because then I can start to move forward.

[ I won't say that I DID NOT do ANY DRIVEBYS during PLAN B...If and when I did, I was WRONG..they were a BIG MISTAKE..come to find out, though, the DRIVEBYS don't REALLY tell you anything...times I assumed my H wasn't there because I didn't see his car..he REALLY WAS THERE..she had picked him up from somewhere..times her car was NOT THERE and I ASSUMED they were not there and they probably were..MY DRIVEBYS were foolish and stupid...only caused me MORE HURT AND PAIN.. ]

It does cause me alot of pain.. maybe what I should do is start counting days off my calender that I don't drive by instead of days in plan B. And your probably right about them actually not being together all the time I think they are. And I will assume that they are together every minute he doesn't have son. I do that anyway, except when I drive by and see her car there. Although you're right he could of picked her up.


Thanks Mimi I am trying to live in the light.

Still

PS Still having trouble with quoting... some dogs are just to old to learn new tricks.

I really think for you own sake that you need to set something up different than this. Among other reasons, you will not be able to withdraw from him. You will be in constant pain.



This is NOT PLAN B. When he pays the bill, he fullfills a FAMILY COMMITMENT need...kwowing you NEED HIM fulfills a NEED..the point that needs to be communicated is that you are moving on..will have NO CONTACT WITH HIM OR NEED FOR HIM UNTIL HE ENDS HIS AFFAIR...not being able to pay your utilites is a MAJOR ISSUE that needs to be worked out SOMEHOW...

You are right Mimi....

I guess I'm in a modified plan B. He gets the oil bill. What we have been doing is what comes here I pay for and he pays for what he gets.

Our money is still together... that's why I'm in a quandry.

I will have to put my thinking cap on and figure a way around this.

I never thought of it filling a need for him that is a very good point.

You have given me some points that I need to reasses. Thanks

Keep checking on me Mimi I value your input.

Still

So you are NOT IN PLAN B..

Sorry, Still...

Mimi,

I still think I'm in plan B... the contact is very minimal.

So if I'm not in plan B what am I in... does this mean nothing is going to work?

Still

Sistahs! Sistahs!

Let's do something bold here and not discourage still. Still, as long as you have ANY contact with him, in ANY form, over ANY thing--you will not be able to fully withdraw from him (or he from you), and therefore there will still be very, very minimal needs met.

You have come a LONG, LONG way from the first few days when we had to go an hour at a time. Remember that? Now, let's figure out a way to go that final step--to NO contact whatsoever of any kind.

~~CJ

You need to go into PLAN B.

I'm a real BELIEVER in following the MARRIAGEBUILDER'S PLANS and not MODIFYING them unless directed by the HARLEYs.

I'm saying this because I WANT THIS TO WORK FOR YOU.

Modifying the PLAN is more likely to result in FAILURE for you.

I have every confidence that you can think of something.

Why is it that you HAVE TO READ HIS E-MAILS?

Make sure that he puts enough money into the account to pay for the utilities. You have a court order to insure that it is done.

Close the E-Mail account so that he gets a message that you cannot get his E-Mails there.

Make him become DESPERATE in his attempts to reach you.

By the end of PLAN B, my H had to SCHEME to try to get in contact with me.

The money part was hard for me, too, Still...

Plan B does involve separating the money.

I kept access to an account, though, in which my H deposited money and also had my own account.

As I recall, he did at some point stop putting money in there for a time period.

WHes play power games with money, I think..and BWes have to exert power..with whatever means necessary to take the reins back..that's a way of keeping some hold on you...

My position was..my mindset, I mean..was that he was OBLIGATED TO TAKE CARE OF ME/US and I was going to FIGHT LEGALLY..not with HIM... to insure that that happened...

IT IS ESSENTIAL TO GAIN THE WS' RESPECT!!!

I know any contact isn't good.

I will really brainstorm about getting contact even closer to nothing at all.

And I am discouraged, but I need to hear this.

I just thought I had been doing pretty good.

Please don't stop posting I do appreciate the input.... maybe what I'll do is check with the HArley's about how I'm doind this.

Still

Oh still! You ARE doing good!! You are making great strides. Now the final step, for both you and your WH, is to allow you to have complete peace and for him to FULLY experience the consequences of his choices.

See, still, I used to be more like you. I used to think I would be appreciated and loved if I saved people from experiencing the consequences and allowed them to not be responsible for their choices. What I didn't realize is that it stunted their growth to not experience consequences. Yeah, they never felt pain, but they also never grew emotionally or spiritually because they never had to "learn their lessons." I was preventing that by saving them!!

Thus, if you truly love your WH and want to have the best chance for a full recovery, the fastest way for him to have the best chance of learning his lessons is to experience life WITHOUT still and WITH only MOW to depend on. In no time at all, they will be fighting over step-kids, "EX's" (in their mind), money, EVERYTHING!! But if you don't step out of the way, it's like God can only give him half of his lesson--AND you get hit with half of what HE really does need to experience in order to grow.

Sooooo...imagine your life without his control attempts, still. Imagine life where YOU pay your own bills and don't have to worry about whether he will pay or not. Imagine life where you don't drive by the house and don't have that daily pain of wondering/worrying/thinking about "them." Imagine life where you have to budget, but you can also paint if you want to...or draw...or go square dancing. Imagine life where the schedule for the kids is set in stone (versus him messing with your life and "doing it when he wants") and you can make a schedule for YOURSELF! Imagine life where you drop off the kids at daycare/school and he picks them up...and you never have to even see him!! Imagine a life where you never again have to hear him call you names or scream or swear!

Doesn't that sound PEACEFUL???

See, still...that is Plan B for a BS. And that is why we want you to get there ASAP. It is a breathe of fresh air for you, and you begin to heal--and it is an opportunity for him to learn his lessons FULLY ON HIS OWN if he is going to learn them.. AND there is hope, because once he sees full on how life with the MOW is not such a rose garden, he MIGHT see how life with you was not so bad and how he might have been the one to make it worse! There is HOPE that he will learn and grow from this!

So let's brainstorm how to get your finances un-entangled and how to find an intermediary...


~~CJ