Still, given the level of attachment that you started with, I think you *are* doing really well. But it's true that the darker you can go, the more effective your plan will be. Get an intermediary for emails if you can. They may be only business-like now, but when he realizes it's the only way he can get to you, the content of the emails will change, and you need to be ready for that.

I like the idea of separating money. Do you have your own account yet? If not, you should get one. That will give you another bit of independence.

And no drive-bys. I had to fight the urge for a while (and gave in a time or two), but they just don't help anything.

CJ,

It does sound very peaceful. And I had thought I was just about there.

I feel really good when I have no contact with him. And I can't wait to get to the place where I feel peace.

I'm just not sure how to separate finances... I'm working this weekend and if it's slow I will look over my budget.

That's the biggest issue right now. The schedule with the kids is pretty much set. DD16 (17 next week) doesn't see him very often. DS14 seehim on just about a set schedule and I amke sure I'm not around when he gets him.

Next Wednsday I leave for Disney with DD for almsot a week for softball. And WH and DS are leaving Friday for a week. So we will have no contact with each other.

I'll mull over this and am open to ideas.

Still

My finances are separate from my WH. I've always had my own checking, savings, credit cards. I then took over all of the bills. WH currently pays me every two weeks for the house (considered alimony) and the CS. There are no discussions.

What I did.

I opened an excel spreadsheet and labelled every bill that we had together, and the dollar amount per month. When WH lived at home, I would just tell him that every two weeks he owed me $ for Daycare and bills. When I took this to my lawyer's office, she told me he was only responsible for the mortgage, equity loan and CS. WH agreed and that is how we do it. There have been days that he forgets to transfer funds, but that hasn't been a problem lately.

If you have the same bank, he can transfer funds to your newly opened account. I would talk to your lawyer and find out what he is/needs to be paying for, and have him directly deposit the funds to your account. Change the name to yours only on the utilities, etc. This is how it will be after D, and it is part of the whole process. I did this last year after entering Plan B.

So, gather all of your bills and start calling the companies; tell them that you are taking care of payment and the bills should be sent to your address. In some cases, you will have to open a new account with your name on it ( I had to for my electricity), in some cases they will just change the name.

Still, the contact I have had with WH lately (about 3--from him, 2 from me) keep things light for him. I do not email him anymore (after about 3 weeks separated) It took me longer the last time I was in Plan B. I have burned through 3 intermediaries and no one seems to be able to stick it, so I have given up on that.

I understand your frustration here. I had asked Jennifer about not having an intermediary, and the response that I got was to stick to STRICTLY business. Short phrases or sentences. I told her that my WH tended to forget to deposit funds, and I can't really wait for him to get it, so she said just to send a one word reminder. I send the work FUNDS?

I'm not nearly as impacted by emails as I was before, but I'm in a much different place now. I think I'm ready for D, if it happens. I'm not happy about it, and I want my family back, but I'm ready, so staying quiet is not difficult for me.

Silent,

That is something to work towards. Our finances have always been together. He always took care of the bills. That is why I think he also is having trouble letting go of it. And in the begininng I was pushing harder for seperation for finances. He didn't like letting go. Then we jsut kind of went into a pattern. Your right I do need to get bills in my name especially those pertaining to the house. The spread sheet is a great idea.

I tried to change oil and they wouldn't let me. I needed his permission. Haven't checked on electricity and phone. I'll have to do all this when I get back from Disney.

His e-mails don't upset me but I still get a twinge of longing. I will keep all discussions business like. That's what I have been doing. Butt I'll make it even more so. He does try to lighten it up I just usually ignore it.

Thanks for the information on how you are doing it.

Still

I wouldn't do any PHONE conversations at all.

Run your own show, Still. Make choices pertaining to YOUR situation, do not consider WH at all. If you are going to be the one living in the house, and he is not, then TELL him to give permission to change the oil to your name. I had to do this with my car insurance and with my cable. I had to open an entirely new account for electricity. It's a pain in the [censored] for about two weeks, but when it's done, you take control.

Get your lawyer involved if you must, but get EVERYTHING separated. I like the idea, on one hand and I DIDN'T like it on the other. I didn't like separating everything because it was the sign to WH to really just cut out. The only responsiblity he had was to remember to pay me every two weeks. We had no connections. NOW, I know that WH was more feeling CUT OUT of my life. That's separation/divorce! That's the way it works. I think of this as a small step; a large step was something like what Mimi had to do in selling her home and buying a new one. That was a clear 'moving on, getting on with life' step.

Okay
Ineed to not answer cell when I don't recognise number.

Wh was on phone one word answer then hung up quickly. Now will let all unknown numbers go to VM.

Still

The word simplify is coming to mind here.

1. Make a list of utilities that need to be in your name. Start the process; even if you have to open new accounts.
2. Change cell phone number - this will drive him nutz. If there is an emergency he can call ______ and _____ will call you immediately.
3. Find your 3rd party! There is someone and it's got to happen.
4. Love and protect yourself from the WH as humanly possible.
5. Don't beat yourself up over an accidental contact.
6. Change your life a lil bit! Do something new unrelated to your WH. This can be REALLY SMALL.
7. Trust me when I say, GO DARK! As dark as you can. It works. It takes time but it works!
8. Picture the reality of your WH and his OP, they are not happy and they are playing games with one another - TRUST ME! This is no happy place he's in. You can just go dark and propell him over the edge.

Kinda concerns me but I kinda like this list! LOL I think reality is the best cure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In order for PLAN B to be effective, it is important for the WS to suffer the consequences of his actions, to suffer and to not get any ENs met by you.

My H TRIED to continue to meet his FAMILY COMMITMENT/DOMESTIC SUPPORT NEEDS by PROVIDING for his family, saying to himself it's OK that I abandoned them, I continue to take care of them so he HATED that I took away this option and then tried to PUNISH me by withholding funds at one point....

It was difficult..for all of our married life, over 25 years, we had NEVER HAD SEPARATE ACCOUNTS..and we no longer have separate accounts now...

This is all aimed at helping you to RECOVER your marriage..not to proceed towards ENDING your marriage...

The separation of the finances is aimed at not allowing him to feel that he is continuing to be RESPONSIBLE although he is gone..

My H also continued to try to contact me by calling me on the cell. I changed my number. In the end, he got my number from my realtor. He came to learn that I would NEVER answer an UNKNOWN NUMBER and I was able to NEVER answer at work..

SD, Silent, Sooner, CJ, Mimi,

Thank-you... you all have been extremely helpful. I will work on getting things in my name and finaces separated.

I guess I was afraid to do that becuase it meant it really was happening. I will play CJ game of what is the worst possible thing that could happen. When I do separate accounts i could get further in debt...will have to live on less. The kids will have to do with less. I have a job that I love and does pay pretty well. I will probably have to go to full time.

You all have me really thinking. I haven't cut him out comppletely, there is still a thin string and I need to cut that also.

I am proud of myself I didn't drive by her house tonight. Now hopefully I can also do that tomorrow morning on my way to work.

On a lighter note DD and i had a great time tonight. We went to the mall and Olive garden after her SB practice. Got her a few things. We had a great conversation on the way down and way home. We laughed and sang. We made plans to go hiking this summer like we use to. I can't wait.

We also remiminist (sp) about our family vacations.

I also heard from DD19 tonight from Germany... her BF broke up with her this morning. It's so hard to be so far away from her right now. I know how hurt she feels. I told her to put her left hand on the back of her right shoulder and her right hand on the back of her left shoulder and squeeze. That was me hugging her.

Still

Sweet... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

wow, ur thread moved a little to fast for me today...I'm just happy to have internet access today...

Can you do that hug thing twice...once from me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HI, MIMI! I've missed u! I wanted to thank you for your support when I needed it...I REALLY needed that validation and the time and I can't tell you HOW MUCH it meant to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, Still...I've been waiting for the opportunity...I appreciate being able to say it here!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Thanks for the hug....right back at you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Off to work

Still

Your WElcome..I hope thatyou have a great day at work!

I appreciate the hug too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WOW, that's really early for work! OMG!

I hope that they treat you well!

Rin,

I'm an hour ahead.... still early for work.

Feeling a little sad tonight.

Am a little angry too...WH is going to church tomorrow. What a hypocrite. I'll recieve communion and continue to screw my ho.

It just make me sad.... here i am praying and stuggling and fighting for my M and he acts as if everything in the world is fine. I'm doing no wrong.

Why isn't God listening to my prayers?

Still

Off to Easter Vigil Mass

god hasn't listened to mine either

Still,

God DOES hear your prayers! We just don't always get the answers in the way and time that WE want. I wish it were different, too!!

I want to say this gently,,,but you do not know how God is dealing with your WS, and at this point you have to let that go.

Yes, WS puts up a great front that all is well, but we do not know what is going on inside. HE knows he is not right with GOD,, but more importantly, GOD knows.

As hard as it it, and you know that I KNOW how hard it is - - But I tell myself every day, that I have to leave God's Plan in God's hands. It's HIS job to deal with WS in his own way in his own time.

I wish I had a better answer for you,,,,but try to keep the faith. God loves you and He does want the Best for you. He is listening,,,keep on talking to Him!

Have a Blessed Easter.

mimi said that jennifer recommended that i extend a hand to my h after YEARS of plan B

not so

i went into plan B on Oct 17, 2005 with continued e-mail contacts through the end of april 2005 (i DON'T recommend ANY kind of contact now that i see it didn't help but instead HURT my situation)

in fact, i've been in plan B for 1 YEAR and 6 MONTHS so it's not even possible that it was after YEARS of plan B

(in fact, that comment really hurt me mimi)

jennifer made the suggestion several times, One was when he wanted to file taxes together in April 2006

6 months after i started plan B

i will have to go back and check the other times but they were all around this time if i recall correctly

i haven't had any contact with him at all since July 2006 so her suggestions were made BEFORE i had been in plan B for 9 MONTHS

although she did recently say it would be okay for me to send another letter to say i am still interested in reconciliation

but why bother really

i seem to be the poster child for how MB can fail even those who try really hard to save thier marraige

You know how to make God laugh...tell him your PLANS...LOL

Just wanted to share that, it's something we use in our meetings!

Love you Still!

Eve,

Just posted on your thread.

I guess we need to do this in God's time.

With spring and Easter and all the talk of rebirth... renewal, I just want that for my M. They still is a little flicker of hope. It is dying quickly. I think it's just because it another first by myself.

Still

So was I way off about the time frame, Eav?

You think the point was to HURT YOU or to try TO HELP, Still?

I did say that, IMO, PLAN B should ONLY be broken WITH THE GUIDANCE of the HARLEYS....