No I think you're right.

Our problem was that I think we were both very controling.... but of different things.

I was trying to control his feelings for me near the end... hanging on for any crumb he sent my way. Not standing up for myself relaying that I deserved better then crumbs because if I did he just took the crumbs away. Sad.

Still

wELL, ALL i HAVE TO SAY IS i'M GLAD THAT i'M BETTER THAN THAT TODAY!

lmao <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know I was just thinking back in 97' I went to a IC and I remember her telling me that it appeared that I have control on the surface but that POWS really had the control...

That just came to mine...thought I would share...

I'm slowly getting there.

There is still a part of me that wants to control this situation. That wants him to see the hurt he is spreading. But I have no control over him or his actions.

Still

AH, seems like you handed him over to God once, and now you have taken him back...

And that's where the acceptance comes in...accepting that he will not see until he is ready...

Oh, that's was a huge struggle for me...hoping that he hit bottom and wanting to "HELP" him hit bottom, so that we could put our lives back together, but truth is I can't wait on his bottom...i have my own life to live...

Live and let live!

Rin,

You see me so well. Yes i keep handing him over to God and then taking him right back. Silly, look I'm even trying to control God <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

How long did it take you to get to the place where you are at. It amazes me how you have hit it right on the nail where I am. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get there at all.

Still

I don't know how long it took me to get there...I can say that it wasn't to long ago that I was there...on my present thread...i don't really know how I got over it...

I think CJ wrote me about it...perhaps a month ago...maybe not that long...

I just know that he's NOT going to change...no matter what I do or what I say...I just accepted that! NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING I DID!

I'll try to see if I can about the page at least, so you can read that!

Thanks I really would appreciate that.

Sometimes i think my WH will never change... then I see old pictures and think he can change if only...

The famous if only I did this it will make him love me again.

Still

AH, see I have taped to my desk something that one of the MBers posted to me a long time back...

Here you go!

IT is impossible to amke another person:
1. Be happy or be fulfilled, become angry, change, succedd or fail.

2. Love you, want you, need you, miss you, be glad to see you, or love, want, need, miss, or be glad to see someone else.

3. Trust you.

4. See, feel, or think in a certain manner for an enduring period. Most people are willing to "sell out" their minds ideas and dreams for sake of romanance, but this does not usually last for very long.

5. See the light, or get some sense into thier heads.

6.Lose or gain weight, save or spend money, want or not want sex.

7. use, or stop using drugs, alcohol, amd cigarettes or bad language...


I have looked at this for at least the last year, the words are starting to fade off the paper...I think it was De-leana????

I guess I finally got it into my head! LMAO

Rin,

Just printed that off. Going to put it in a place where I can read it every day.

Maybe it will sink in when the ink starts to fade fo me.

Still

Had a long talk with my oldest D this morning.

Both of us trying to understand how someone can just walk away from the people who love them.

She cried when talking about how WH says he's happy and doesn't show any remorse. Still blaming me. Saying I wasn't perfect... she told him at least mom is still there for us. She's trying to understand how the things she and her sister told him seem to have no effect on him. I tried to explain it's like an addiction.

Guess still a little down today.

Still

It's hard to see our children hurt...you did a great job of helping her mourn her lose and shared your grieve with her....

It's great that she can come to you and express herself!

good job Still!

keep your head up, down feel guilty for the sitch, if you are hand that guilty back...you did the best you could with what you had!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

I am very fortunate that my kids can talk to me and share thier pain. Because when they try to share thier pain with thier dad it means nothing to him. I have a hard time understanding that. How can you look at your own flesh and blood when they are crying and only think of yourself?

I know I shouldn't feel guilty... but I do. I think is there something else I could do to get through to him? It's hard for me to accept that he has changed and unfortunately it's for the worse. I want to scream at him look at what you're losing.... 2 girls who use to think the world of you.

Today I'm diappointed in God... how long are we suppose to go through this pain? Why does it seem WH gets what he wants and it doesn't matter what we need and want. Why isn't WH feeling any pain?

All I know is the love my children and I have for each other will get us through all of this. I'm just tired and would like to have our family whole again.

Still

Do you believe that God has a plan for us, even WH? Do you trust that God will provide for you and your girls?

Do you have faith that all of our suffering makes us stronger and this IS a reason for it, even though WE may not see it?

I was VERY angry with STBX and God at one point and CJ said yes, I had a right to be mad with STBX...but I was really mad with myself for allowing everything to happen...like I had control over it...

She was right, I was angry with myself...questioned why I didn't see this or why I didn't see that...truth was I was in that relationship for reasons unknown to me...God put me there, and I have learned some great lessons...I have two beautiful boys, and I don't know if one of they will have the cure for cancer one day...

or they will do something great...that COULD be my reason...I don't know that, but I have to believe that it was for good and not for bad...

I have always beleived that people come into our lives for a reason and when we have gained whatever it is that we need to then they leave...go about their way, pass on, whatever...

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

What are your beliefs, get in touch with them...

I understand where you are and it's okay, just don't get stuck there...

Rin,

I do believe that God has a plan for all of us....even WH. I wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for my faith in God.

It's just today I feel disappointed in God. Maybe I'm being impatient because i feel like I have been going through this for so long.

Rin I am praying on this

Still

Good for you, the valley seems deep when we are in it, but when we get to the other side and look back it doesn't appear as deep as we thought it was when we were there!

You'll get there...our plan is not always his plan...he has better for you...

You'll be okay! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Right now it doesn't seem like everything will be okay.

Putting it back in God's hands.... and I will not take it back. I keep praying to God. Your will be done. Hoping at some point I will beleive it.

Still

Still,

Honey I am right there with you. Am using what Mimi posted on Sis's thread and the great stuff I have been getting from INeed on my thread to keep me going. Ck those out,,I think it will help you, too!

{{Still}}

Well I'm done....

I think I have finally listened to God. I'm ready for this marriage to be over. The love is gone on both sides. Not that WH even cares... not my problem anymore.

I think I'm in the FU state.

Found out a couple of days ago that WH actually told my kids that cheating isn't wrong. That I wasn't perfect (great excuse for an A). Ready to send the ho a thank you note. She can have the man... at this point he has no redeemable qualities. Tonight was just the icing on the cake.

This is his weekend with our son and it's my weekend to work. At DS hockey game he asked about where DS was going tonight. I said with you it's your weekend. I'll take him Sunday Mon And Tues then you have the rest of the week for your vacation with him. Also told him I was going to a family friends sons graduation paerty when I got out of work on Sat. He said I'm going out of town Sat night. I said it's your weekend.... but I'll be out of town.

I did a big DJ texted him.... Guess ur ho comes b4 ur kids again. I'll take DS bcause my kids come first. Ready for the 2 X4's.

I have decided that this man is not one I want in my life.... if he can actually tell his kids that cheating isn't wrong. All he cares about is himself and it's been that way too long for me.

I'm ready to begin my new life... one with my kids and me. And maybe someday a man who wants my love and will love me will come into my life if that's what God has planned for me. I just know God does not want a man who is like my WH in my life. My kids have told me that he was abusive (verbally) when I wasn't around. All he did was yell at them, And actually threw our dog across the kitchen when I wasn't there. I wish I knew this was going on sooner. Older DD also said if I wanted her too she would tell the judge that. Told her I don't want to put her through that.

I finally came to realise it wasn't WH that I was mourning it was my idea of marriage. Yes it still hurts but it will get better.

I not proud of myself for what I texted WH but I'm tired of the way he treats me and my kids.

Still

It's day 3 and I am still feeling really good.

I have let go of WH and his chaois (sp). I haven't driven by MOW's house in 3 days. That is good for me. I don't care about them anymore.

On Saturday morning when WH was picking up DD to bring her to train station for concert I was in bathroom just out of the shower (towel wrapped around me) he kocked and asked if i was covered and if he could come in. I said yes he asked me what my problem was? (blaming me). I texted him that morning telling him he will be thrilled the door has just slammed shut. He wasn't worth my love and I don't want his kind of love and they deserved each other. I told him I was tired of him hurting me and the kids. That it finally sunk in that he doesn't care. That even with his daughters crying to him he still tells them they should be happy for him. To tell them that cheating isn't wrong blows my mind. That he doesn't see the pain he has caused.
He told me I don't know how he feels. Tokd him I don't care how he feels anymore he's not the type of man I want in my life.
I'm sure nothing sank in but I don't care anymore I felt better after and having my say allowed me to finally let go.

Now the focus is on me and my children and God where it should of been all along. No more wondering about him and his ho. I don't care anymore and it feels great. I don't want him back.

I am looking forward to my new life without him. My friends are happy for me and said "Now how do we keep you in this place?" I have been here for 3 days now a record for me.

I pray everyday to God to keep me in His arms because I know that's how I got here and the only way I will stay there.

Still saying prayers for everyone else also that God brings them peace and allows them to let His Will be done.

Love you all,

Still