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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2
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Joined: May 2007
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I guess my story is one that has played out hundreds of times due to the computer age. What seemed like harmless fun, became a disaster and now I've lost the one person in my life who truly made me whole. Here's the story...

My wife (appears to soon be my ex) is my best friend. We have been madly in love for over 10 years. Things have been great with no major upsets during our time, in fact, overcoming some tough things along the way.

Over the weekend, my wife discovered a secret email account that I used to talk to people online. She believes I have been having affairs and served me with papers 2 days later. To her credit, she has been very calm and collected and willing to work together to have a smooth property settlement. Reconciliation does not seem to be an option right now....

The emails I was trading with other were from online ads. Nothing ever happened but because of the detail of the email, my wife is not convinced. I can't blame her for her reaction because she is a very strong a bright woman. I am staring at a picture of her on my desk as I write this about ready to cry....

She knows I am sorry and I believe that she does forgive me. This is about the issue of trust which is so very big with her and should be. She has made the statement that we can be friends but romance will never be an option. I have told her that I know I need help with this and someday, she will be in a position where she will have to decide whether I am worth another chance because she will KNOW that I have changed.

I am seeking counseling (which is a pain to find, I had no idea... ) and I am returning to church for the first time in years. I have asked God on a daily basis for his forgiveness and to look out for her. Maybe, just maybe, if I am very lucky, I will get that chance that I so desperately need...

Thanks for listening....please pray for both of us...

Joined: Jan 2000
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Just a note to let you know I read your post, and will pray for you.

Joined: Aug 2002
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Sounds like a sad situation, but I'm willing to bet that your marriage couldn't have been as fulfilling or as happy as your portray it or you wouldn't have been seeking out other women online...


Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

Joined: Oct 2005
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There's lots of information on this site about cheating, and there are some good books out there. It might be that she'll back out of the divorce, she could cool off after a period of being very, very angry if she didn't see this coming... you betrayed her and even a wife finding porn or emails on the internet is rough. I've been there myself. I cried, screamed, yelled and drug my ex to counseling. Some are able to piece together a marriage after 'cheating' even if it's emotional affairs or emails. Others can't get through it. Right now your ex can't picture romance with her. Continue to apologize and admit your wrongs. Don't lie, own up to what you did. Entirely. Show her that you'll go to continued counseling and church. Pray a lot. If your wife is so smart and profesional did you feel like she wasn't meeting your needs? Why did you go to the internet? I read that men who do this feel a sort of gratification just from getting response online even if they don't cheat - because they feel neglected at home. I think my ex did this when I was working a lot, was just getting some sort of gratification, I don't think he ever really cheated. If you are able to reconcile after some time off here, you'll both have to look at what went "wrong" in your marriage that lead to this. She might even have to look at herself a bit. Right now she's hurt, reacting and wants to teach you a lesson with a divorce. Hang in there, things might change for you.

Joined: May 2007
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Thanks to all of you....

Horsey...I've read a ton of info and your take on it seems to be a popular one. I guess what you are saying is true to a point but I believe it's true because of a problem with me. She and I were/are best friends. We have been for quite a while. Sometimes, we catch ourselves being "just" friends and forget the romance aspect of it.

This really had nothing to do with her. While we may have been casual at times, we were very close. I feel like that I have a bit if obsession with sex and the pursuit of it and I also think there are self-esteem issues. I never really gave too much thought to my childhood but now I am. My mom was 17 when she had me after a very short relationship with my Dad whom I don't believe ever knew he had a son. She got married to my step-Dad when I was 4 and that has been my family. I am 40 and my brother of 33 have each had issues growing up. Bouts with drug use and other things. My wife has been the one that has really made a difference in me. She "took the edge off" and made me in to a nice person.

So what do I do now?? I'm so afraid she will just move on and forget me while I am trying to recover. I never imagined that I would be out on my ear in 3 days after she found out. I want to call her and apologize every day but I don't want to totally annoy her either. We still have to meet this Saturday to finalize the Sep Agreement and it scares me because of the "no chance of reconciliation" line in there. I know they are just words but she is preparing as if this is final.

She says that we can be friends which I hope is a way of keeping me close so she can see how I am doing, and maybe have a future together. I just don't know....

Joined: Oct 2005
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I will pray for you both. You never know.


F/29 Married 8/03 WH's 1st PA 7/04 (ONS) WH's 2nd PA/EA 9/05 He filed 9/30/05 D-day 10/8/05 WH ended things with OW, wanted to come home 2/10/06 Changed his mind again 2/13/06 Divorce Final 5/8/06 No children- one on the way when we separated WH is engaged to OW, she's pregnant I hear.
Joined: Apr 2007
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If my XH had ever spelled it out like you have (similar behaviors on his part ended our M), I wouldn't be divorced now.

Actions speak louder than words. Get counseling, stop the destructive behaviors and be the best man you can be. If the M can be saved, that will go a long way toward it.

The worst is for the W having to bust the H before it finally comes to a head because the W will always wonder if the H was sorry he did it, or sorry he got caught.

You have to ask yourself that question, rise to the occasion and do what you must do to make things right *within yourself*.

After that, it's up to her whether she can forgive, or can't get past it.

As long as there's an M to save, try to save it.

Good luck on your journey.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
Joined: Oct 2006
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Box- Something sounds very fishy here. Your wife is using a cannon to kill a fly. Unless there is something you are not telling us this lady was just waiting for this incident to end the marriage. What is wrong with this story? Somebody is in fantasy land.


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