thanks OWL for your input as well.

Verify that there is no contact as best as you can. I think you said that OM's wife knows about this place. It would be good if she can work the program too.

OM usually don't leave their wives, so his story of why he doesn't is probably just a story. Inform his wife if you find contact.

In the meantime, 15 hours a week doing fun things. Try to make the marriage a safe place for your wife to come, with no disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts.

You might think of future goals and plans to discuss and look toward as a way to make the marriage more appealing.

Work on changing anything that she has complained about over the years.

Leave this laying around somewhere -

Does Divorce Make People Happy?
Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages

Call it the "divorce assumption." Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.1 But now come the findings from the first scholarly study ever to test that assumption, and these findings challenge conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.

Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.2

The research team used data collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, a nationally representative survey that extensively measures personal and marital happiness. Out of 5,232 married adults interviewed in the late Eighties, 645 reported being unhappily married. Five years later, these same adults were interviewed again. Some had divorced or separated and some had stayed married.

The study found that on average unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married when rated on any of 12 separate measures of psychological well-being. Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average than those who stayed married. "Staying married is not just for the childrens' sake. Some divorce is necessary, but results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold," says Linda J. Waite.

Why doesn't divorce typically make adults happier? The authors of the study suggest that while eliminating some stresses and sources of potential harm, divorce may create others as well. The decision to divorce sets in motion a large number of processes and events over which an individual has little control that are likely to deeply affect his or her emotional well-being. These include the response of one's spouse to divorce; the reactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents; and new relationships or marriages.

The team of family experts that conducted the study included Linda J. Waite, Lucy Flower Professor of Sociology at the University of Chicago and coauthor of The Case for Marriage; Don Browning, Professor Emeritus of the University of Chicago Divinity School; William J. Doherty, Professor of Family Social Science and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy program at the University of Minnesota; Maggie Gallagher, affiliate scholar at the Institute for American Values and coauthor of The Case for Marriage; Ye Luo, a research associate at the Sloan Center on Parents, Children and Work at the University of Chicago; and Scott Stanley, Co-Director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.

Marital Turnarounds: How Do Unhappy Marriages Get Happier?

To follow up on the dramatic findings that two-thirds of unhappy marriages had become happy five years later, the researchers also conducted focus group interviews with 55 formerly unhappy husbands and wives who had turned their marriages around. They found that many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.

Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? Spouses' stories of how their marriages got happier fell into three broad headings: the marital endurance ethic, the marital work ethic, and the personal happiness ethic.

In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even infidelity.
In the marital work ethic, spouses told stories of actively working to solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem was solved, the marriage got happier. Strategies for improving marriages mentioned by spouses ranged from arranging dates or other ways to more time together, enlisting the help and advice of relatives or in-laws, to consulting clergy or secular counselors, to threatening divorce and consulting divorce attorneys.
Finally, in the personal happiness epic, marriage problems did not seem to change that much. Instead married people in these accounts told stories of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.
The Powerful Effects of Commitment

Spouses interviewed in the focus groups whose marriages had turned around generally had a low opinion of the benefits of divorce, as well as friends and family members who supported the importance of staying married. Because of their intense commitment to their marriages, these couples invested great effort in enduring or overcoming problems in their relationships, they minimized the importance of difficulties they couldn't resolve, and they actively worked to belittle the attractiveness of alternatives.

The study's findings are consistent with other research demonstrating the powerful effects of marital commitment on marital happiness. A strong commitment to marriage as an institution, and a powerful reluctance to divorce, do not merely keep unhappily married people locked in misery together. They also help couples form happier bonds. To avoid divorce, many assume, marriages must become happier. But it is at least equally true that in order to get happier, unhappy couples or spouses must first avoid divorce. "In most cases, a strong commitment to staying married not only helps couples avoid divorce, it helps more couples achieve a happier marriage," notes research team member Scott Stanley.

Would most unhappy spouses who divorced have ended up happily married if they had stuck with their marriages?

The researchers who conduced the study cannot say for sure whether unhappy spouses who divorced would have become happy had they stayed with their marriages. In most respects, unhappy spouses who divorced and unhappy spouses who stayed married looked more similar than different (before the divorce) in terms of their psychological adjustment and family background. While unhappy spouses who divorced were on average younger, had lower household incomes, were more likely to be employed or to have children in the home, these differences were typically not large.

Were the marriages that ended in divorce much worse than those that did not? There is some evidence for this point of view. Unhappy spouses who divorced reported more conflict and were about twice as likely to report violence in their marriage than unhappy spouses who stayed married. However, marital violence occurred in only a minority of unhappy marriages: 21 percent of unhappy spouses who divorced reported husband-to-wife violence, compared to nine percent of unhappy spouses who stayed married.

On the other hand, if only the worst marriages ended up in divorce, one would expect divorce to be associated with important psychological benefits. Instead, researchers found that unhappily married adults who divorced were no more likely to report emotional and psychological improvements than those who stayed married. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

More research is needed to establish under what circumstances divorce improves or lessens adult well-being, as well as what kinds of unhappy marriages are most or least likely to improve if divorce is avoided.

Other Findings

Other findings of the study based on the National Survey Data are:

The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) took place to adults who had been happily married when first studied five years earlier. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.
Unhappy marriages are less common than unhappy spouses; three out of four unhappily married adults are married to someone who is happy with the marriage.
Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship (including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later.

Good info Believer. I'd not read that last article myself.

I think I've read "Does Divorce Make People Happy?". If it's the one that I'm thinking of it's very good - the only thing that's not so brilliant about it is all the couples in the sample set are in California; a microcosm unlike anywhere else in the world, let alone the UK. Have I got the right book ??

Cheers.

b.p.m.

It is an exerpt from americanvalues.org, marriage center. The actual study is 17 pages long. Two years ago, I gave the whole document to my boss, and mailed it to his wife. They were filing for divorce, living in different states. They are now happily back together, and expecting a son. Don't know if it was the article or not.

We don't like to hear that we need to "endure", but often that is what it takes to stay married.

Every little bit helps, believer. Kudos for extending a helping hand to your boss. Thanks for the article. I'm still absorbing it so I can't comment yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was referring to a book that I read - obviously not titled the same but similarish content. When I'll dig it out I'll post the title. The findings that struck me most in that book were that kids don't gave a fabulous flying stuff if their parents are happy, only that they're together i.e. the assertion that "the children are happier if their parents are happy & separated rather than together & not happy" is not true.

I am off to read it now. Thanks B.

Thanks Believer, I have copied the article and am studying it - I may leave it around to be "discovered".
By the way OMW knew about the A a year before I did. She eventually threatened exposure and WW simply forestalled by telling me herself (no option). I recently told OMW of a second, "secret" mobile phone that her husband has used for communicating with WW - I have accepted that it's war now.
There's still fog ("You're telling me to switch off my emotions and I can't do it just like that", is that a traditional one?) We have an NC agreement but not yet in writing.
WW knows I have checked her mobile for messages and her call history so that's a closed snooping path but her itemised bill can sometimes be intercepted. Any other good ideas on checking adherence to NC are welcome.

British Museum tomorrow (perhaps the Egyptian Mummies exhibition) and next week a "pub walk" (pub drink - walk - pub lunch - walk - pub coffee) in a lovely part of the English countryside. Next weekend her birthday - I've bought a beautiful dress (hope she likes it and it fits, never risked that before) and a meal with the children and their boy/girl friends. Better add some flowers don't you think?

Owl, Thanks for reposting that. I am a fairly new member to MB. I can tell you that I have gotten some good insight from this thread when people have addressed the real issues.
I can also tell you that it is very annoying when people like MEDC break up a thread just to serve their own selfish purpose.

If you want to bash A marriages, than go to a thread that is for that purpose. There are plenty of them out there.

Okay, so no exposure needed to OMW. You're already in contact. You're sure WW is in NC now? If so, are there measures you can take to check on that from time to time? One of our Presidents used the phrase, "Trust, but verify," and it seems very appropriate for situations like this.

As believer said, continue to work on yourself. That's Plan A. Whether you think it or not, it'll be noticed. Everything adds another increment in the battle to coax her into recommitting enthusiastically to the relationship and you being "all that you can be," is one of those straws.

Hang in there, friend.

You are very brave - continuing to post here, and BUYING YOUR WIFE A DRESS!!!! Hopefully she will like it.

I'm encouraged by your wife agreeing to spend time with you. Often they will refuse.

Practice, self-awareness and perhaps some feed back will hopefully improve my Plan A-ing but I've made a start and it's so much easier than I thought to be alert to opportunities and to keep my mind with where I am rather than in orbit around Planet Zog (I guess that was a habit I acquired when work filled my brain all the time - it's not like that now).
Verification is a big problem. I can't check her phone directly now (but maybe the itemised bill). I can check her car's mile-o-meter occasionally against where she says she's been. What about fitting a sneaky GPS and/or digital voice recorder in the car? Technically a bit sophisticated for me. Anyone got some good, simple ideas? Or any ideas really.
P.S. I can't actually see how mkeverydaycnt is trying to make me feel uncomfortable lexxxy because she's on my IGNORE list now.

The dress idea is rather bold Believer, but when I saw it in a magazine I thought it was so beautiful and feminine and would suit her wonderfully. It was hard to find a stockist, I had to go miles. But it can be changed for a few days after her birthday. Big bunch of flowers as backup then do you think?

That's the trouble with IGNORE. You miss half the action. In over 18,000 posts, I've only ignored a couple folks, and only from time to time. But it sure comes in handy.

You can get a realtime GPS to stick in the car that will transmit to a remote computer and give you the time and place she is. It sure saves a lot of worry and legwork.

Some folks have used the digital voice recorder in the car, but you only get one side of the conversation, and the background noise can make it difficult.

Hey, practice makes one better at just about anything and Plan A is no different.

I don't know what is available from your cell phone provider, but is there a chance you could check it online? If not, I'd continue checking the hard copy billing. Checking her odometer is good; make sure you pick good opportunities where, if she's still involved with OM, she won't observe you checking.

I wouldn't overlook the fact she may know you're looking at the cell phone bill. WS's in similar situations have been known to procure an "affair phone," often a "throw-away" anonymous cell phone we can purchase from convenience groceries here in the U.S.

Zog, are there any indicators she might be using a phone or going to meet him somewhere? Some of the flags might be her taking or initiating calls at all hours of the day or night, separating herself from you when she uses her cell, hiding the cell phone, or conscientiously deleting the calling history, etc.

Similarly, if she says she must (frequently) run to the grocery or the mall or anywhere else and she’s gone too long (or for too short a period), that would be an indicator something is amiss. If she goes somewhere to pick up or buy something, but comes home without it, that’s another big red flag. So are “nights out with the girls,” or shopping trips to other than the stores she usually goes to.

If you think she might be meeting OM somewhere, or using absences to text message or call him when she goes out on trips by herself, then one of the tiny digital recorders secreted in the car might give you invaluable information. Find a decent electronics store (Do they have "Radio Shack" stores over there?) and look their selection over. Find a small one that is sound operated, has a fairly large memory, and good battery life. You may have to ask advice from the proprietors and don’t be afraid to let them know what you’re doing. I’ve known folks to get a lot of valuable advice from a sympathetic clerk. (Of course, you won’t want to select a store you or your WW would normally patronize, right?)

If you get one of these and you put it in her car, be sure to secrete it very securely beneath the seat, or somewhere else. Use duct tape or something to secure it up under the seat, for instance. If it slides out from under the seat when she brakes for a red light, it’ll be counterproductive, to say the least.

If you aren’t getting any signals along these lines, there may, in fact, be no contact. That would be great. You can trust your instincts in this, Zog. Your subconscious mind notices things you don't know you're actually seeing and it tells you about dangers it detects. If you’re uneasy about something, chances are one side of your brain is trying to tell the other to beware.

If you can establish NC, then you can start the long process of coaxing her to enthusiastically commit to saving the marriage. Seems to me, you two could benefit highly from a good couples counselor. I know it would be awfully expensive from overseas, but if you two can get Steve Harley’s advice, it would absolutely provide you with enormous returns.

LH

The flowers might be a bit much. I don't know your wife like you do.

You should be sure to meet what you think are her top emotional needs. If you are not sure what they are, try meeting some and see if there is a response.

The top ones are admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honest and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

If you are not sure how to meet them, check out the basic concepts section at the top, and then go to emotional needs. Dr. Harley gives excellent tips on HOW to meet them.

MFZ,

I must say that the dress idea is bold indeed; something that I'd never have the balls to attempt (along with jewelry & underwear - I should address that one day soon really).

Snooping is one thing I didn't (or couldn't) buy into: I would sooner just get a D than start that. I not saying that you, or anyone else, shouldn't - there's no right or wrong here, just what works for you & what doesn't. The one thing I do use is a diary to record my thoughts, feelings & what FWW talks about. I know when she lies (which is a lot, alarmingly), the only thing is that this doesn't tell me what the truth is, only what it isn't. Less than ideal but it's enough for me at this point.

Stick with your plan A, it may be a while before you see some dividends but you will.

b.p.m.