bulletproof_m,


Yes, I have a thread here and in the Plan A/Plan B forum. Most of my post are in the former. My WW is totally wacko.

MFZ,


I can forgive my wife also, I have told her that many times. Also, I'm not encouraging you to go ahead with the D if you can get her to stop. I know exactly how you feel, we've been married 26 years and together for 28, It's an unbelievable loss. I've told her that I don't want the D but will not accept her giving herself to someone else while living in my house.

Whilst I am still hopeful that my M will be OK I am at least thinking about Plan B issues. I wonder if anyone has comments on the following:-
If she remains in our house during Plan B too little will have changed for her. We have already been accustomed to spending time apart and I know from house moves in the past that she finds it extremely stressful to leave a home. I doubt she would agree to it and it will be very difficult to force her. Selling the home would be such a big, ugly step that it would probably destroy any good Plan-A had achieved and lead to Plan-D rather than B
Looking further ahead to a possible D, I might have to choose between letting her keep our home and splitting our business, which would probably mean ending the latter in due course. Again the prospect of NOT loosing the house would make D less daunting for her. I can only think of insisting on selling the house until a possible last-minute offer to swap home for business, but I’m not happy with pursuing any path that is not sincerely meant.
What I have to consider is that our business is 5 hours travel from our home. It’s a holiday-cottages enterprise in the far west of Cornwall (I’m not mentioning this to bid for your patronage, but then again …). I spend far more time at the cottages - on renovation, maintenance, gardening, etc. – than WW, hence the time apart. It’s a beautiful spot and it would be simplest by far for me to relocate there. It would make NC with WW easier, give me some continuity and allow me to get more immersed in tasks there. But it would also remove me from my family/friends support network.
I can’t see an optimum way through this that doesn’t leave her fairly insulated, or me fairly isolated or propel us nearer to a D.

I would continue Plan A, and let her know how hurtful contact with the OM is to you.

As far as Plan B, could SHE move to the cottage? It is best to have her feel the consequences of her choices, not for her to be living comfortably in the family home. Do some more thinking on that one.

Have you exposed the affair to your son and daughter?

I will continue Plan A but this relapse suggested I should think ahead in case I have to move to B. I would certainly ask her to move to one of the cottages but I think she will refuse. I may speak to a lawyer but I doubt I can enforce this.
I have not exposed to DS and DD yet but may do so (certainly if contact happens again). At present my DS is overseas so I have to wait a few weeks for his return anyway.

I forgot to mention that during our "second discovery" discussion I asked whether she would write an NC letter as soon as next week's unavoidable encounter is past. She said she couldn't write it but if I did she would sign it. My feeling is that this would not be a sincere action, rather a gesture of submission that she would not feel bound by. What do you think?

Just told OMW about OM’s “affair phone” and that WW has called him since agreeing NC with me. She was shocked as she also had an NC agreement. OMW and I have agreed to meet to see whether we can collaborate better in breaking this affair.

Good job. Informing the OM's wife often puts a halt to the affair. Many OM find it easier just to move on to someone else, and not have all the problems of a BH exposing everything.

Give it some time and see what happens next.

She's known about the affair a lot longer than me (but didn't expose to me). I just told her it's still going on. Hope that adds more pressure.

OK, I posted that when WW broke her verbal NC agreement I asked her to write an NC letter to OM. She replied that if I wrote one she'd sign it but that just didn't sound sincere at the time - she'd sign anything but not mean it I felt.
On reflection I think it's unrealistic not to provide some kind of draft since she has not had the benefit of MB. If she puts it in her own handwriting and even introduces something of her own that I can accept that seems OK.
Any comments on this draft please?

"OM,
I have often told you how important my present lifestyle, home and family are to me. H has provided, supported or enabled so much of this and over the last three months I have come to realise how important I am to him and his future too, in spite of what I had thought before. It was selfish to want so much from him and to cause him so much pain. He has clearly shown how much he cares for me and wants to protect me; I care for him too and cannot divide my affections and loyalty any longer.
I have told H that I will end my relationship with you and promised never to see or communicate with you again, ever. I ask you to respect that promise and not try to contact me.
WW

I know she has always told him she didn't want to change her life - hence the opening sentence (and thread title). I would also ask her not to send the letter unless she means it.

I think its way too long Zog

what about something simple like ...

OM,
I love my family.
Any contact with you hurts those I love so I will never contact you in any way ever again.
Please do not ever try to contact me.
WW

Short to the point & no extra words where OM could read into them she really wants to talk/contact but that bothersome H is stopping me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Just a thought <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's a good point AW. On the other hand she has been telling him for years (this is a long-term affair) what an awful H I was, that I didn't care about her but that although she didn't love me she didn't dislike me either. So it was OK to stay, to take all the benefits of our M but get her love quotient from him (OM). Also our children are no longer our dependants and she didn't care enough about their feelings to stop her A 3 months ago or to keep her NC promise last month.
I think he'd know who put her up to this when he reads "I love my family". What I was trying to do was for her to tell OM that she was wrong before and the situation has changed, forever.
But thank you AW. Maybe yours is better - I'll keep thinking about this for a day or two. Any more comments?

I'm not so sure the reference to family isn't okay. Remember, WW was motivated to give at least some lip service to NC because she didn't want the children to know. I think it’s highly she still thinks of them as part of the family…because they are.

I’d go with concise, and short, easily understood words of few syllables. There’s nothing quite like brevity and simple words to get the idea across.

BTW, your wife seems to want to end this by slowly decreasing contact. I think you need to make the point no addict ends his or her addiction by doing that. It’s “cold turkey” or it won’t work.

LH

Yup, right as always LH. Re-reading it, I can see mine is too long and too soft. I was afraid of putting the word "love" in her mouth but I'm sure you can see why.

There will be unavoidable contact at an "event" at the end of this week, the last ever I hope, but I will be there the whole time. She is an essential part of a team to whom she has given a commitment; OM is not in the team but will be present as an administrator. I will take the opportunity to show OM how determined I am. I am therefore counting Saturday as our new "Day 1". No point initiating anything more before then.
I have drafted a few alternative NC letters, mostly on the lines suggested by AussieWife. I’m hoping she will get the idea and write a blend of her own. But I don’t want it sent unless (and until) she means it.
GPS is on order. I have fixed a meeting with OMW to see if we can co-ordinate the pressure and snooping, and maybe get her into a good Plan A of her own.
I recently gave her a note defining my limits (NC and transparency). She is being very nice at the moment and acting like she accepts these. I am drafting exposure letters, emails and notes for meetings, just in case.

Good. I'm glad OMW seems more inclined to cooperate now. Perhaps she would benefit by reading a copy of SAA?

WW is very angry with me. Since I told OMW there had been further contact she threatened to come to the "event" this week (where WW is competing/organising and OM is administrating) and create a scene. So he won't go (good!) so WW will have to take over his duties which she is very worried about taking on (bad).
Why did I have to interfere? Why couldn't I wait until after the event? I very nearly left yesterday when I found out what you'd done! (I've been away on business for a few days until this evening).
I said I didn't think I'd done anything wrong, OMW had a right to know her H had broken their NC agreement too. But I didn't do it to undermine the event. What can I do to help you cope?
Everything is going according to the usual script I suppose.

Sounds like usual script to me. Simply tell your wife that the problem with the event is NOT a result of anything that you're doing...it's a result of HER renewed contact with OM.

If she continues in contact with OM, it will continue to a source of contention. Its NOT you...its the result of HER actions with OM.

Nothing more than that.

I'm with Owl. It sounds like the routine anger a WS has when their fantasy begins to unwind. That's what happens when a strong light is shown on the affair. I think she inadvertently revealed her real problem when she asked why you were interfering. I know what she thought she was saying, but I suspect it expressed a much deeper idea.

It’s great news for you and OMW that he won’t be attending the event. See? Exposure works. I suspect OM isn’t enjoying life very much right now…and that’s fine.

At any rate, ride out the anger and don’t let it bother you much. Let it slide off like water off a duck’s back, if you know what I mean. Does that translate to the British version of English? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> At any rate, she may threaten to leave again and not just mention it in passing. The threat is routine, but it seldom happens. When it does, it’s generally for a very short time.

In your case, I don’t know how well, or whether, she’s thought that out. How would she support herself if she did? I presume you understand you shouldn’t even consider financing a separate apartment or anything at all to do with separate residences, right? Remember, financial security is generally very high on a woman’s list of ENs and was one of the ENs used in Dr. Harley’s examples early in SAA.

Thanks Owl, my reply was OK but yours was much better and I'll use it if she says the same again.
"Water off a duck's back" is a well-known phrase or saying here too LH. Anyway, she made me dinner, cups of tea, etc. - though she's a bit glacial nothing more has been said tonight. I'm sure she won't leave as she has nowhere to go and her home is central to her life.
I emailed OM regarding his no-show and told him, amongst a very few other things, that "I will fight for my marriage and do anything reasonable to save it." His reply includes the following paragraph:
"Whilst it is regrettable that I will not be attending
this event, it is for precisely the same sentiments as
you have voiced. The 'occurrence' to which I allude
does not involve you at all and I cannot permit it to
take place under any circumstances."
The only "sentiment" I mentioned, so far as I can see, is the one about saving my marriage. Interesting - I wonder whether OMW was looking over his shoulder when he wrote that
or whether he might actually mean it.

"Occurrence?" What is he talking about?