Once an OM figures out that his wife is going to continue being informed of contact, they usually back off. They usually realize that continuing an affair is going to be much more trouble than they thought. We have seen it over and over here.

I think an appropriate reply 2 this paragraph, if there is 2 be one, would be something like:

"What did you just say??"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

2-Long - Zog is from England too. He think he understands what the guy might be saying, or not.

The "occurrence" is that OMW threatened to turn up at the event and create a "scene" - just the THREAT of exposure seems to have worked!
I did try to clarify what he meant. I replied:
"I can only think the "sentiments" you referred to are about saving my marriage. If that's true (that you are trying to save your marriage too) then I am delighted for me, for WW, for OMW and for you. The very best of luck.
If you meant something different I missed your meaning entirely ..."

Ahhhhh, okay. I still don't understand why he said it had nothing to do with you, but that's all right. Sounds like he's scared to death his wife is going to interfere in his hobby.

I'm not a proponent of engaging the OP as a general rule, because it seldom accomplishes anything of substance. However, if his desire to end the affair is reinforced, then the email was productive.

I think he means he wasn't frightened of getting into an argument or fight with me, the "occurrence" would be his wife's embarrassing exposure.
I sent the email because I too wasn't certain what he meant - I'm still not certain because he hasn't replied but I cannot think of another interpretation (and he is usually very good with words).
No more angry outbursts from WW but no particular warmth either.
GPS tracker has arrived and is being tested (to find the best and most convenient positions to fit it. It seems to work OK.

I think you are doing fine. Continue checking, but you may find that the OM will self-remove from your life and marriage. I hope you are going to the event to verify that OM isn't there, and this isn't just a story he cooked up.

Yes Owl, I am there the whole time. I hope you're right about OM.

Sorry - Believer, I WAS there the whole time, and all went well without OM's presence. One phone call for technical assistance which I reluctantly agreed to was - annoyingly and worryingly - initiated beyond my hearing and sight. There is now no reason for any contact, ever again. I'm not convinced that that is settled in her mind however.
The main reason is that she remains cool towards me because I informed OMW about the previous contacts (after both WW and OM had agreed NC with their respective BSs). That was a week ago and it ruined the prospect of her last (?) hobby-event with OM. I'm not feeling very positive towards her either at present. I will try to continue with Plan A attitude and actions but don't know what/when to do more about NC.
GPS tracker tested and working OK.

MFZ, so long as contact of any kind continues to happen, the affair is not over in your WW's mind...or his. When you gave WW permission to contact OM, you reinforced the idea in their minds that there's still a chance things can go back to the way they were. Forget the fact she took your permission and did something deceitful with it while you conveniently took yourself off to the sidelines -- and too busy to watch her. I think that you let her contact OM was a BIG mistake. I also think you know that or you wouldn't have brought it up.

I don’t have any doubt WW and OM were going to use the event to reconnect (if, in fact, they’ve ever actually not been in contact). You broke that up, but you gave them both a substitute, albeit a poor one when you allowed them so long a phone conversation. That’s not what you’re about, MFZ. You can’t set a boundary and then step back from it. It just won’t work.

Pardner...remember, all along, your WW has said she wants to stay in the marriage AND continue the affair. When you allow her to call him, for any reason, you send the wrong message. Man, re-read SAA where Dr. Harley specifically says the WS can NEVER have any contact with the OP. Never means never, not "when it seems like a good reason." Your first reaction when WW asks to make contact should be a resounding "NO!" and you should never EVER retreat from that position.

Did you call OMW and let her know there has been additional contact?

Friend, you haven't yet broken up the affair and the longer the affair continues with you fully aware of it, the more your WW gets used to other people knowing her darkest secret. I think you need to consider starting over with the basics of exposure and a revitalized Plan A. And MFZ, when you begin a Plan A, remember Dr. Harley tells us it only works about 15% of the time. The other 85% of the time, it's necessary to go into Plan B. I think you should begin to consider how you would work a Plan B with your WW. That you seem to becoming a little weary of Plan A is an indication the time for a black Plan B is coming nearer.

MFZ, what you do about NC is to state your opposition to it in any shape, form, or fashion. It's a boundary that you need to adhere to. WW MUST understand that if she wants to remain married she must give up contact, okay?

Sometime in the next few days (I will try to find a relatively calm moment) I will discuss NC and openness with WW. These are the boundaries I have defined to her already. I will share my disappointment that she took advantage of the opportunity to call OM to stretch that permission and make clear that there will NEVER be any collusion from me again. I will ask her again whether she is prepared to write an NC letter, and mean it.
I will tell OMW about the call and ask that she query with OM what was said.
I will ask her to share her daily itinerary with me - indefinitely - and check this with the GPS device.
I will attempt to get my mind back into a good Plan A shape. Exposure and Plan B are definitely in the frame now. She will not cake-eat without consequences.

Contacted OMW - OM had already told her about the latest phone call. Also he has apparently agreed NC with OMW and says he wants to stay!?
Have agreed with OMW to share evidence or strong suspicions of contact but keep our communication/collaboration private.

Does OMW know yours is an affair marriage ?

Might just be germane to her comprehension of the situation.

oh, sorry , I forgot

*** you are ignoring this user ***

I HAD stopped ignoring you BP because I thought your contributions to other threads were very useful. It seems I may have to Ignore you again because you seem determined to use your obvious talents destructively here. I think that's a shame. I will NOT continue a debate with you about AMs however.
(P.S. Actually I did happen to tell her mine was an AM as you call it.)

Good job. Your situation sounds very hopeful to me. If he knows that his wife will be informed, it will give him more incentive to refrain from contact.

I hope you are still spending 15 hours a week doing fun things with your wife. You can show her that you are much more interesting than anyone else.

Believer - I have wobbled a bit the last few days, I wasn't sure I wanted to continue. Still, she won't have noticed because she was still too angry with me for revealing contact and the Affair Phone to OMW before the "event", which caused OM not to be there. Provided I can get my enthusiasm for Plan A back nothing is lost and there have been hopeful developments.

Gotta keep your hope up. Don't expect ANYTHING at all from her for a couple of months. That is just the way it is - not fair, I know. But you will have to do most of the heavy lifting at first. Your reward will be a marriage that is much better than ever.

If you get discouraged, just do it for drill - tell yourself that it is worth doing, even though it doesn't FEEL like it.

If my contributions directed at other posters have helped you in any way I am most sincerely sorry.

That was truly never my intention. It never occurred to me that by helping others I'd be possibly helping affair marriages. I feel dirtied at the prospect now. Still, at least I'm just a bloke having a go to help in good faith. Its not like an expert offering stuff intended to work in your situation. I have that to cling on to at least.

No irony or cleverness intended in this post btw. It is really how I feel.

You think a courteously offered opinion is "destructive" ?

Well, opinions vary clearly.

Bob, you are incorrigible. Once again, unfortunately:-
*** I am ignoring this user ***

Since you brought up the subject you know what I think is a shame???

1. That you still feel entitled to "destructively" continue to post in the infidelity section of MB even though you remain, in fact, an unrepentent infidel yourself.

2. That other newbies have accidentally wandered in here and posted and then wondered why very few will post to their threads thereafter.

3. That you (and others) believe MB principles apply to your situation.

4. That you feel entitled to "steal" Bob Pure and other posters well intentioned posts to legitimate betrayed spouses knowing such words were not intended for you.

5. That you considered writing a "letter of repentence" to your God-given wife, which would be the very first step to regaining any possibility of integrity and were talked out of it. "Save the affair marriage first, your integrity can wait and/or repentence is no longer necessary" is a load of evil crap.

6. That you continue to post here on the infidelity section of MB when there are alternate forums available here to address your specific situation. In particular, the divorce/divorcing forum as all affairs eventually end as well as the After Divorce, Dating and Other Relationships forum since you are, in fact, Divorced and in another relationship.

7. That you were advised to snoop by others when they should know that snooping in an affair marriage, a marriage based upon lies and deceipt, is TOO risky...if you get caught snooping the illusion of soulmate will likely be inretrievably compromised. An affair marriage likely can not survive. Better not get caught...you should trust your soulmate.

8. That the irony of your first wife's needy and controlling behavior when you cheated on her seems lost to you as you behave needy and controlling today. Years later you still actually characterize her as such several times on this thread.

9. etc., etc., etc.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Like Bob Pure needs any lessons from you about destructive posting OR incorrigable behavior. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />