Believer, When I am feeling like this perhaps the best thing I can do is keep working on myself rather than attempt to do too much FOR her. The former will stand me in good stead regardless where the latter might betray insincerity. I expect this negativity will pass soon enough anyway; I hope so because a goal is very valuable.

Heres a novel idea. Call up the other lover and ask him if he really loves your wife. If he does suggest an open marriage where you all three live together like on that show, BIG LOVE. Get a house together and all move in.

If he does not like that idea, then maybe he will leave. Keep an open communication with the other man talking to him every day to see how he is, etc. Ask him if he is planning on marrying your wife, etc. Ask how the lovemaking is, etc. You have the right to know since you are sharing your wife with him.

This concept is to keep your friends close but your "enemys" even closer! Even move the enemy into your own house!

Oh, the other lover has a wife of his own! Suggest swinging and all four living together. Start conversing every day with the other man's wife. Once they get to know you the affair will end quickly. Reverse psychology.

You are taking all the sneaking around and all the mystery out of the affair so there will be no reason to continue it.

Converse with the other lover and his wife even have both of them over for dinner. At least once a week to Saturday Dinner. Ask them again and again to have a barbecue at your home or over for dinner. That other man will be so rattled he will RUN!

Stella - yes, that's novel. I take it you're not serious.

Ditto what Believer says, MFZ. Listen to her and mark her words well.

MFZ, that's the essence of Plan A -- working on yourself and not even considering any return from WW. The reward will be in the long term when your 28-year marriage recovers and endures for the rest of your lives. Stay with Dr. Harley's program and you'll be one of the success stories here on MB.

One of the things Dr. Harley cautions against, though, is bargaining with your WW. It's gotten you into "trouble" twice now -- once with exposure limitations and now attempting to limit contact via a phone call. Bargaining your way through this is just not going to work, pardner. Wayward spouses -- aliens -- do not bargain in good faith. They will lie to your face and convince themselves it's only fair because you're working to keep them from being "happy."

Friend, I think it's time you used a nuclear exposure to end this affair once and for all. You've been in Plan A for 3 months and you're essentially still at square one with regard to recovery because you and OMW have allowed the affair to continue without taking strong action. Essentially, you're shielding your wayward spouses fromt the consequencies of their poor choices. Sir, it's time to get proactive and then settle into a strong Plan A for the last 3 months or so that Dr. Harley recommends for a man to work Plan A.

Talk to us, MFZ. What happens next?

OMW did thorough exposure right at the start, except to me. It didn't seem to have affected the affair at all until I knew. I will expose if there is any trigger i.e. future contact.

MFZ,

Got an update?

LA

Yes LA. OM and WW had a meeting which I figured out by GPS-tracking her car. I told OMW and confronted WW. WW claimed it was a goodbye meeting, at least until she could see how our marriage was going.
OMW independently confronted OM and prepared to throw him out (put his stuff in bin bags). He asked to stay and told her didn't love WW any longer, he was just being nice to agree to her request to meet.
Anyhow OMW and I are in close contact by email and coordinating our operations when we can. OM and WW think they are being followed but don't know who arranged this.
It could be that the paranoia plus the fear of having no marriage and no rosy future together has set in and we are winning. WW seems to be building a few bridges with me at last (hugs restored at least).
We will remain vigilant (OMW and I). We are sharing snooping ideas and results. Perhaps we have achieved a breakthrough - at least it feels good to have a partner.

Excellent job. OM most likely will drop your wife like a hot potato. I know that is what I said before, but it is just taking more time than I thought. It will be too much trouble for him, and he may move on to someone who doesn't have a persistent husband.

I hope you're right B, and I think you may be.

Good work, MFZ. Let paranoia begin to create cracks in the fantasy world the two wayward spouses have contrived for themselves. The more pressure you can apply to the affair, the quicker the two will begin to understand it was only make believe.

If you have a little time, perhaps you could add your experiences with the GPS tracker to the "Spying 101" thread linked to in my signature area? The brand of the device, what it showed you (real time map tracking, reports, names of establishments, etc.) would all be of interest to others.

Hang in there. You're doing exactly what you need to do to recover your marriage.

OK, done that LH (details on Spying 101).

Next week it will be 3 months since the “final” meeting between WW and OM that I discovered (using a GPS tracker in her car), confronted her with, and disclosed to OMW. I have agreed with WW to a review of our M on Monday and given her lots of notice. I am hoping she will have done some thinking. I will ask some questions but try not to talk too much and let her reveal her ideas, plans, visions, etc. - if she has any.
This is what has happened in the last 3 months. I have continued tracking her car, intercepting her mobile phone bills and monitoring her private email account (password cracked with a software keylogger). I can find no suspicious journeys, calls or messages. OMW reports that OM says wants to stay and is also worried that if he reneges on that he might loose contact with his grandchildren and perhaps his children.
On the whole I have stopped worrying about the past and know I can let go of that. I do think about our M in the present a great deal but cannot really look to the future until I know whether we have one together or if I’m on my own. WW has generally been OK, perhaps slightly warmer than for years, but we seem to be roughly where we were either before the A started or before I knew about it. My Plan A has consisted of giving her space for withdrawal (no discussion of the A or our M), getting on with lots of tasks around the home that have long been outstanding but no big changes or treats. I cannot do much more on my own, I’m not strong enough for that.
The only real hiccup was when I hadn’t replaced dead flowers with fresh ones to welcome her back after a few days away (I hadn’t noticed them, just like the “old” me). This was 2 months in. She was mad at me for hours and wouldn’t be consoled. The other worry is that she changed her email password to something very like the nickname OM used to call her – a regular reminder of the A. This suggests she is not wholehearted about trying to recover. I will need to get her to think about this without revealing what I know.
For the “review” I am thinking of asking her:
* Do you think our marriage is safe?
* What do you think the chances are we’ll still be married in 5 or 10 years?
* Are you willing to be a partner in improving our marriage?
* What would be your plan?
I want it to be very much her meeting. I thought I would say at the outset that if there was anything she needed to think about, rather than answer immediately we should agree to discuss it at a later review.
If she has no ideas and asks what my plan is I thought I might give her the following:
1. Don’t expect too much too quickly.
2. Make an effort to be friends.
3. Eliminate all unnecessary reminders. Letters, messages, photos, gifts – anything that might flip the memory.
4. Let each other know what’s good, what’s bad, what works and what’s missing – but do it kindly.
5. Don’t harp on past problems and failures.
6. Review regularly.
7. Consider a relationship councillor if we can’t fix this by ourselves.
If she is unwilling to participate in forging a better M ask for a later meeting to discuss divorce. I think I should give her time to face the serious consequences. Actually I might try to construct a viable Plan B in which she leaves the home – I think this might not be possible and me leaving is not a good Plan B.
Does anyone have any constructive ideas, suggestions or comments? Your support would be invaluable at this important stage.

yes...constructive. Stop your affair.

MK, is that you telling me to end my very long marriage because of a very old mistake, regretted and paid for as best I could at the time? You're telling me to hurt my innocent children unecessarily? I will ask you nicely not to post your constructive comments here but see whether you can offer real help elsewhere. No doubt you will cry freedom of speech and continue.
I hope I will get some well-intentioned responses.

A nice divorce settlement is not Repentence.

Step one is apologizing to your ex-wife.

You'd think this would be soooo obvious as you now are well aware of how hurt she must have been. Give her the satisfaction of an apology AND tell her just how you came to know one was very due her. Your pride (which is also a sin) may try to prevent you from telling her you are now a BH. Don't let it. She's not in your life anymore...give her the satisfaction that, though you left her for OW that life with OW has not been all it was cracked up to be.

Constructively,

Mr. Wondering

I apologised at the time and XW was quite gracious about it. Of course she was in a new relationship by then (about 6 or 8 months from D day) which involved breaking up someone else's family. I don't think she needs to hear from me again. It has nothing to do with my pride and a fair reading of my postings might tell you that.

MFZ..if your ADULT children would be so traumatized by mommy and her affair partner getting divorced, I suggest you enroll them in another kindergarten.

You were asked by many to take your issues elsewhere...yet I am sure you will cry freedom of speech.

My adult children would be hurt, not traumatised. Your "constructive" suggestion is simply bullying.
I was encouraged by many to stay and you were encouraged to simply avoid this thread if you didn't feel willing or able to help. You are of course IGNORED again.

children no longer living at home....as if that is a big surprise for children in their mid to late twenties.

too funny.