Zog,
I know a woman who left her husband and married her affair partner. Their six children showed the wear and tear. When her affair partner/new husband began to cheat on her....one of the things she realized was that many of her current marital problems were planted during the initial affair and linked to that past. After ten years in the 2nd marriage, and two affairs by her current husband....she decided to revisit the past and start again. In order to stop the cycle of affairs....and give her current marriage authenticity....she had to explore her own feelings of entitlement and selfishness at the beginning of the cycle. She decided to recontact her ex-husband and mend some fences....for the children....but also to create a new foundation from which to understand why her new marriage had reached the same conclusion as her old one, and end the affair dynamics. The result as incredibly healing for everyone. She began this process alone....because it was something to do that didn't depend on the help from her still fogged and uninvested husband. Eventually....he had to get on board....but I believe it was empowering for her.
Hi Starfish!
Knowing a lot of this story, I'm very glad you posted it here. I haven't looked back at the previous pages of this thread in a long time, so I apologize if it was already suggested, but:
Would it make sense 2 suggest MFZ go 2 the site where she hangs out for some more detailed pointers?
Given this kind of si2ation, and MFZ's age, I believe that any recovery will be very, very difficult 2 achieve. But the effort would certainly produce valuable results - regardless of whether the marriage survives or not.
But I find myself thinking about what JL said 2 me on my In Recovery thread last week. As with JL, I'm about a decade behind MFZ in approaching "the endgame". I have 2 think hard about what I want the endgame 2 look like - my retirement lifestyle, specifically. I'm not positive what I'll do, given our his2ry. But if I had a si2ation similear 2 MFZ's, I'm pretty sure I would be contemplating my life on my own - or maybe someday with someone new.
I wouldn't even consider reconciliation in such a circumstance without professional help for both spouses. I may not even consider it if my W and I never go back 2 MC or coaching 2gether at some point. But I have more time than MFZ does (unless he lives a lot longer than I do, which may be possible <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)
-ol' 2long
