I've read so much on this web site. I've read and re-read "His Needs Her Needs". I'm in week nine. I'm working Plan A really, really hard, but I feel like my situation is very very bad.

My wife of 20 years wants to leave me. She told me of her EA 3/25/07 and after that she told me that she made it physical. God that hurt. She tells me the other man knows her so well. Like no one else.

The OM is her former boss and she's known him for 14 years. He's leaving the company, one of these days, she says. He's being pushed out and given a severance, so that's good, I think. The guy is married (2nd time). His wife just got over cancer and he has a 10 year old. His first marriage he left 3 children.

So, here I am week nine. I work part-time out of the house and make a good living. I have the flexibility to take care of the kids. I've taken over almost all the household responsibilities and I've lost 30 pounds. Still no progress. She's interviewing attorneys.

My wife constantly complains about money. She has so much envy. "His Needs Her Needs" says the man should be the primary bread winner, so I'm looking for a job. However, I will need to move. I can't find anything worth while in Michigan. Michigan is an economic disaster.

My oldest daughter waffles taking sides, because my wife talks to her too much. I've asked her to stop several times.

Of my 3 kids, two are seeing psychs and so am I. My wife won't see one, because she says she's fine.

Everyone knows now. Family, friends, OM's wife, pastor, pretty much everyone.

It just seems like I'm much worse off than the other postings I've seen on Marriage Builder's. I could use some encouragement.

I posted on "Just Found Out" another thread, see here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3246551

But, I want to move over here now, because the depth of discussion is much better on this thread.

help, are you in Plan A? Do you have Surviving an Affair? Have you exposed the affair? What have you done to bust it up?

I'm just gonna approach this from the attorney angle first. You are doing the plans and others can advise you. I also happen to live in Michigan and am familiar with the economic outlook here (which is why I encourage folks across the country to buy American cars...it may not have effected your state, city or town like Detroit...but it will trickle down eventually...OUR middle class need JOBS).

Anyway, with you being home now and the primary caregiver you are actually in a decent position to win primary custody of the kids. In the longrun, you may or may not want that but regardless...winning it helps shed reality on the fantasy affair your wife is having and helps bust it up. You can't leave the state of michigan anyway. IF you end up divorced I presume WW will want to stay here with the boss. Before you can leave the state with the kids SHE would have to consent (unless she completely abandons them). On the good side, this DOES work both ways. OM, supposedely (you really can't believe everything they say so who knows)...is losing his job here in Michigan. Where is he gonna get a new job???? Out of state??? Then your WW can't go AND take the kids herself.

Anyway...don't make rash decisions. Maintain your part-time job and parent the heck out of those kids. Keep two handwriting dated journals (more reliable), one documents EVERYTHING involving the children and the other is for you, your feelings, your planning and your fight for your marriage.

No fighting with WW at all...let alone in front of the children. While you fight for your marriage be aware to ALWAYS keep the children on the front of your mind. They NEED a stable parent right now and you just got elected the only one around. Wayward Spouses are completely kookoo.

Use only MB exposure techniques being careful not to be seemingly vindictive.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

hww,

I'm trying to remember where HNHN requires the man to be the major breadwinner....hmmm....don't remember reading that. That may still be more prevalent, but society is changing fast with so many women in the work force. In any case, it sounds like your wife isn't just attracted to her boss because of looks....but maybe also because of his position (because he's sure no PRINCE! yikes!)

So how did everyone find out?

HWW,

How many times did she gripe, complain, communicate that having you home and working and being the domestic support for her and the children BEFORE she had the affair? I am guessing she was fine to a point in you taking care of the household and the majority of the care of the children and earning a part time income.

You will note that many BS's are floored by the WS's sudden willingness to communicate things they didn't like and reasons you are responsible for her bad decisions and immorality. See, when one begins an affair and betrays the one they said they loved for another they have to find something or someone to blame for their shortcomings as a human being who would do such a thing. Unfortunately for the BS you are the closest thing for them to blame so you get it full bore. These excuses are nothing but that, a way to justify her behavior.

I would listen to the advice you are getting here and privately (no threats, or hinting at) schedule me a meeting with an attorney to discuss the worst case scenario. You should be prepared to ask for full custody of the children, spousal maintenance and child support in addition to keeping the family home for the children's continuity. Keep plan A'ing but read about the carrott and the stick part of plan A. It is not about being a doormat for an adulterous wayward wife.

OK...caught up on your JFO thread for more info.

Kids are a bit older 15,12 & 12 (twins). So custody will more than likely be their call by the time any divorce is final. It is important to put them on the front burner because this hurts them too, they need you AND, I presume, you really want and need them to CHOOSE you. IMO (in my opinion) Wayward spouses...no matter how good they were BEFORE are NO LONGER fit parents.

IF your wife carries through with this (which is a big IF, I'll get to in a moment)...then she is going to TRY to presuade your kids to choose her. In fact, waywards act really counter to any case they may have UNTIL they lawyer up. She could be changing her behaviors soon to win them over. Of course, she will do so by acting like their teenage best friend instead of a parent but to a confused adolescent that's enticing.

Also...as soon as she meets an attorney...EXPECT a financial fallout. He/she will advise her to clean out the bank accounts and put all the money in her name. Of course, he/she will presume that by doing this WW will maintain fairness. He/she will advise this to make sure his client doesn't get screwed NOR RUN OUT OF MONEY TO PAY HIM. I'm not your attorney...so I can tell you to do it first and get yourself some cash while you are at it. The general rule of thumb is to divide any joint accounts up in equal shares for each member of you family. So you take 4/5ths and put it in an account in your own name.

NOW onto Marital reconciliation. You indicated that OM is supposedly going back with his wife. If I were you, I'd speak to OMW to confirm this. If that is true...your wife, like my wife did, may threaten to divorce you (or she may actually file) in a desparate attempt to regain her afffair. It's a last desparate plea for OM to come back to her. If he doesn't ...which I hope he doesn't...then she should come around in a short bit when that strategy fails to reignite the affair. When I say "come around" I don't mean she's going to jump back into your marriage. That takes time. First she'll come back because she's got no where to go. Then withdrawal kicks in a she'll be depressed and resolute that her feelings for you just aren't there. You just keep on Plan A'ing and hope for the best while the entire time preparing and positioning yourself on the backside for a contentious divorce and you winning custody of the kids. Don't talk divorce. Don't negotiate separation. Don't move out. IF she chooses any of the above...that is her choice. Don't HELP her and make it easy to just walk away from you and the kids. Poor choice have dire consequences. If you care...allow her to fully feel those consequences. She should then come around...they USUALLY do. Regardless...you will make it.

I saved my marraige utilizing MB principles. You can too.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Please email me at my address below. I've got some stuff to share with you **************edit**********

I did want to add.

IF you do speak with OM's betrayed wife. Be very wary of her too. She's his adulterous wife from his first marriage and likely VERY FOGGY herself. Often we see the BS's team up to battle to the affair. She likely won't be much help as she's a quite foggy one herself. Keep your distance.

Mr. Wondering

hww,

************edit************ The above advice (excluding the PS) from Mr. W is fantastic.....his legal background is invaluable. You're very lucky to have his good counsel. However, please decide for yourself what posters and advice you consider valuable ***EDIT********* As you can tell from affairs....privacy and secrecy are different. You strike me as someone who has the intelligence to make your own choices about the people *****edit*********.

I am in Plan A. I have not yet bought Surving an Affair. I do have His Needs Her Needs. I have exposed the affair to everyone I can, but my wife continues to tell me we are going to get divorced.

This morning she transfered a large amount of cash into checking; much more than usual. When I asked her about it, she became very angry. She accused me of never having any interest in our home finances before. I told her that was untrue, but for the future it should not matter. She told me that over the next few months, we would begin separating our finances.

It is the 5th major need for women (Chapter 9) in "His Needs Her Needs". I'll quote the book for you, "Humorous anecdotes abound on women who marry men for their money, but my counseling experience has taught me not to treat this tendency as a joke. In truth a woman does marry a man for his money-".

Money is my wife's biggest resentment toward me right now. Her second biggest resentment is that I abandoned her for the last 10 years.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm trying to do just that, but she does know I have spoken to an attorney. However, I really work hard at not having love busters. When I sense the conversation with my wife is nothing but anger on her part, I try not to let it go on to long, but end it gracefully.

So she only transferred it from joint savings to joint checking??? I'd get there before the check to her attorney is cashed and remove 4/5ths of checking and savings into your own account...today.

Then...when she invariably gets upset...just point to the conversation this morning and say "but didn't you just say this morning you wanted to separate our finances???? You're so busy and all, I just thought I'd get a jump start on it".

Take my word...you are going to get screwed if you don't act. YOU CAN'T TRUST a Wayward Spouse. IF (a big IF) you do get divorce papers this week or next...you can't do a thing to the finances thereafter. A part of the petition will ORDER you not to make any moves, abscond or dissapate marital assets. However, SHE will be free to set up her own bank account and direct deposit her FUTURE checks there. You'll end up having to live, support kids and fight a divorce merely on your part-time money. Sure you may get temporary support but when and how much. If you can't pay an attorney (or a good one) how do you fight for such. Don't be played the fool. ACT...to protect you and your kids from an emotionally abusive spouse. You can save your marriage later. Her ANGER can be resolved later. You can settle up later...but TODAY, protect you and those kids.

Warning...I am not a divorce attorney. If you had one, I'd certainly want you to ask him/her before acting. This is just advice and I accept no responsibility if it backfires on you. You certainly have to decide YOURSELF what to do and act accordingly. Her lawyers will try to paint this move as vindictive; but that will be months down the road and you can always give it back (or a portion thereof) someday. Don't SPEND it (though I have seen some pay off credit cards or their car/truck...to alleviate money concerns for them down the road...you get to keep your car/truck and it often is a JOINT debt).

Think hard on this. I know it's instictual to trust your spouse. Don't.

Mr. Wondering

Mr.W. Thank you very much. I am very worried that my wife's attorney will come at me full bore. I'm not looking forward to that at all. I think I have a very very good attorney, and (unlike my wife) I have an extended family around supporting me.

My wife's mother rebuked her. I haven't been talking to her too much recently, but I've Plan A'd my wife's mother also. My wife is an only child who's biological father abandoned her when she was very young. My wife never was close to her step father either.

When I spoke to my wife about why she could talk to the OM and not me, my wife talks about the accumulation of resentments toward me. I ask her who else she feels this way, and she says her mother.

My wife and her mother have been very close and have (until recently) always been able to carry on long conversations.

My wife really needs to see a psych, but she absolutely refuses.

Your attorney works for you. He advises you and you make the decisions. He/she MAY very likely tell you NOT to do the above. Ask questions. SOMETIMES they can be so accustomed to the "usual cases"...they sometimes miss the boat. You could end up in a very tight financial bind if your attorney advises otherwise.

But, in the end, it's better to listen to your attorney than some, non-divorce lawyer, on the internet.

Mr. Wondering

hww,


Dr. Harley talks about the prevalence of the male need for "Attractive Spouse" in the same language, because people have a tendency to consider FS and AS as shallow and bogus "needs" when they aren't. But he also explains early on that while he's divided these chapters into his and her....that they aren't "exclusively" male and female. For instance, apparently, your wife has a need for domestic support (because she's the major breadwinner I suppose). That's usually in the male column, but not exclusively so.

If money is a big issue with your wife, and obviously it's one of the things I think has attracted her to her boss....then demonstrating your willingness to step up your game in that area is a productive way to fill that need. But Dr. Harley....doesn't say anywhere that men "should" adhere to a certain role....we have a several Mr. Mom style marriages that are successful here.....but one like yours where the WS is attracted to her "boss" is not one them.

Still, you have the uneviable position of providing both domestic support and financial security simultaneously. It's a tall order....but I think if you can find a reasonable balance for your energy.....she will notice.

Good luck.....sending blessings and MB hugs your way.

I am wondering about the length of time my wife has know the OM. He hired my wife. He's known my wife for 14 years. I've not seen anyone else with a similar relationship. I worry that the length of time they've known each other is a big negative against saving the marriage.

P.s. I told my psych what my wife had been telling me: "I never loved you; I started looking around in 1990", and my psych asked me if I had any reason to believe my twins were not my children.

I had never ever even remotely contemplated this question. When I was asked to think about it, I can't begin to tell you the pain it caused me. Pain layered on top of my wife's adultery. Wow.

Everyone asks me if I'm holding on too tight. All I say is "I can't turn my love off like a switch. I don't know if I will ever stop loving my wife." But man, I feel abused.

Star*fish, the OM is losing his job. I'm interviewing, but because Michigan has such a lousy economy, I have to go out of state. I don't think the OM will make more money than me. Frankly, I think I can make more money (full-time) then either of them.

The fog (I hope) prevents my wife from seeing that someone needs to be concerned about the kids. I thought my wife and I were comfortable with our arrangement. My consulting company, out of my house, is making reasonable income. Especially given the flexibility it has offered me with caring for the kids. If I get a good job offer, I'll have a difficult decision to make. I've already asked my wife to move with me and she's said 'no'.

Sometimes I think my wife thought I would move out the 1st week and the OM would move right in and replace me as a stay at home dad. I've never been able to get my wife to explain to me how this was going to work. She says to me, "I have no plans. I want to work ending our marriage out with you." That came from the wife who can not talk to me. I'm actually praying that her attorney will explain reality to her. I know my attorney is ready to explain things.

hww,

"I have no plans" is a lovely foggy statement if I ever heard one. It's the hallmark of someone who is out of touch with reality and thinks that God finds a way to unite "soulmates" against all odds. Obviously, that's all a bunch of alien wishful thinking.

Her attorney may not be able to explain reality to her....but reality will slap her in the face at some point.....and while you won't be able to lovebust with the "I told you so's"....I hope this forum can give you some peace of mind in that regard.

Don't lose hope yet my friend.....I have a feeling the reality bubble will burst when the boss alien loses his job and she can see him for the loser he really is.

Hang tight.

R U going to the bank???

Can you snoop her check registry??

She may have already written the check???

Time is of the essence.

Mr. W