I can watch our checking and savings on-line. I look at it regularly. I looked at our checking account. I didn't see any checks missing or written. I just got wire instructions from my attorney. I can wire my attorney funds from another account tomorrow. It's pretty easy and cannot be interrupted like a check. I'm thinking about moving some money into trust with my attorney. That will make her happy. More love busters.

Yes...she will be upset.

But a marriage can survive UPSET. What it can't survive is an ongoing extamarital affair.

She will jump and scream that "THIS" was the final straw. Been there, done that. It's not. Just be calm and lovingly detached. Question her, nicely, why she's REALLY moved around money. Indicate you would never think of doing this before but SHE's been threatening divorce and given you every indication she's about to file and/or move out. You HAD to protect the FAMILY (Don't say YOU...because in essence you are protecting her as well. If and when she comes to her senses and out of the fog...she will understand, if she never does, no skin off your back...you protected yourself.

Mr. Wondering

star*fish,
I really appreciate the words of encouragement. I'm beginning month three of this nightmare. My family likes to keep telling me that she may never come back. I keep telling them that I know that, but I love my wife and my kids will be hurt by divorce. Imagine the lesson my kids will learn if I actually do save my marriage. That alone gives me strength.

HWW:

Your WW knew this guy for 14 years.

To you, your situation is the worst around here. But there are others that are worse, and many that survived.

That doesn't help with the pain, I know.

But the longer you hang around, the more you will realize that WW is typical in many ways, and unique in others.

Your W admitted the EA in March, with PA following. So even though she has known him, and the start of her EA with him may have been a while ago, she has not been to far gone with this.

You have all the right things to make this thing turn around.

1.
I Read on your first thread that the OM had been fired and was negotiating severance. I think his employer would negotiate a slightly smaller package for OM if he KNEW that he had exposed the company to a sexual harrassment lawsuit by persuing your W.

Think about THAT for a minute.

2.
Long conversations with her. Not about emotions, but about the kids, dog, weather, the garden, the neighobrs garden, her new dress, the way the local baseball team is playing, whatever gets her to talk.

3.
Your daughters are responding to YOU. That can be crushing to a mother. Never ask your children to choose sides, just tell them what you are trying to do and why, and yes, when you succeed, it will be a valuable lesson for them.

4.
She's interviewing attorneys? Why, for a date? Cool. Let her. Remember, OM is being terminated! He is going to look real peachy soon.
And let her do the D work. Her threats mean nothing. Only her actions. When you get served, you get served. And you can be surprised by this!
Get your own ducks in order, which you appear to be doing. I find around here that most BS get the attorney action issue and the WS? it's to much work... And D can take a long time...Your advantage.

Those are only four reason why you are in good shape.

There are more, but that's for later, or you will discover them yourself.

LG

Mr. W, Thank you. Good response.

lousygolfer, thanks. I'm not the kind of guy who cries much, but your post got me choked up. I really appreciate it.

Wife told me that the OM is unhappy with the severance. It's too small, she says.

My wife is working my 15 year old daughter. My daughter tried to tell me she saw mom's point of view the other day. The next day she was mad at me and said, "I hope mom divorces you!" She was trying to get me to call in a bogus excuse to school so she could go to the pool. I said 'no'. Your grades are horrible as it is, and you need to preserve good grades where ever you can.

My sisters tell me that I'm the only adult in the house. It's very grueling.

HWW:

No party with the severance money, huh?

To BAD. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Still a nice conversation with his supervisor could create tremendous turmoil in thier little A world.

One thing about your 15 YO.

Next time?

Stop.

Put whatever is in your hands down, stare her in her eye, and state simply, "No, you don't. Because everything you have now, WILL be GONE." "This house, your school, your friends." "Thats how important this IS."

Establish a FIRM boundary with you daughter that D will not be played with.

Now,

What have you done for plan A today?

I want a report tommorrow!

LG>>> Who left MI 25 years ago. And MOM Still wonders when I'm coming HOME...

Lousygolfer, here is my Plan A report. I made her one of her favorite dishes for her return from an overnight business trip: ceviche. It was waiting for her in the fridge. When I talked to her on the phone earlier, to ask about the money transfer, she was very angry. I didn't lose my cool and ended the phone call because it served no good purpose for me.

When she was home, I made pleasant conversation and asked her to go for a walk with me. She declined. The kids were in good spirits, and I left her alone most of the time. I first took a walk, then I went out and had a drink with a buddy. She's in bed now.

So this is a legacy affair.

I have a psychiatrist friend who knows my wife well and she was telling me how my wife's childhood almost always leads to these situations. So if that's what you mean by legacy affair, then 'yes'; I guess so.

HWW - just want to add that your situation is not worse than anyone else's. Everything follows the script.

I didn't believe it myself when I came here back in November 2006, but I can say now it is true.

Give this all you have so you have no regrets.

HWW, I would focus on Plan A, and most especially exposing the affair. Have you told anyone about it yet? Exposure is one of your most powerful weapons against the affair.

Here is an excellent outline of Plan A by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

lousygolfer: one of my wife's biggest complaints before all this blew up was laundry. Well, just started the laundry. I've been doing the laundry for weeks now. It makes her angry; especially when I do her laundry. She's asked and I've stopped doing her laundry, but I'm doing everyone else's. It definitely frees up her weekend to spend with the kids.

I wish I could gauge or determine where we are in this process. My wife is definitely moving forward and not giving me any indication of improvement, but she doesn't seem to be seeing the other man much. Nor do I see her talking to him nearly as much.

Mr W. above talked about how his wife filed divorce in desperation to get the OM back. I thought that was interesting.

HWW, also, have your children been told the truth about what is happening? Do they know about the affair? Or has she been lying to them?

I'm definitely working on Plan A and I've seen this list many times before. Eveyday I'm working the carrot. As for the stick, I've worked the stick, set boundaries and the affair is exposed (my wife's mother even rebuked her), but my wife is trying to manipulate the situation. She's trying to place blame on me. Her favorite accusations are I could never talk to you, you abandoned me for ten years, and you never loved me because you never showed it.

I try to pick the sticks and set boundaries carefully because they invariably become major love busters to her. But, when she's inappropriate especially with kids, I calmly talk to her. When she was moving money around yesterday, I calmly talked to her about it.

HWW, you do understand that a lovebuster consists of a specific list of behaviors, right? It does not neccessarily mean anything the wayward does not like. For example, she will NOT LIKE it when you protect your money, expose her affair, etc, but those are all marriage saving tactics that you can't forgo just because she doesn't like it. Your goal here is to save your marriage, not appease her at all costs. See what I mean?

In fact, if she is too content, it probably means you are enabling her. And that is the worst thing you can do.

So that means you take steps to move your money and thusly, protect it from her plunder. That means you tell your DD's the TRUTH about her affair, etc.

To whom has the affair been exposed? Have your DD's been told the truth? Did you move your money so she cannot plunder it?

Lovebusters:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Melody, the kids know. My oldest daughter knows a lot more than my 12 year olds, but they all know mom had an affair and is leaving dad. They know who the OM is and my oldest daughter has been told all kids of stuff; like how my wife and the OM are going to go to Vegas to get married because mommy doesn't have any more friends here.

My wife's fog is incredibly dense.

Recently, I think because her position is so indefensible, my wife is telling everyone that the other man is going back to his wife. While I've noticed a reduction in activity between my wife and the OM for the last couple of weeks, I'm not ready to believe what she's telling everyone. I'm really thinking hard about calling the OM's wife.

HWW, you said:


Did you personally tell the OM's W? How do you know that she knows and what does she know? Are you in contact with her yourself to compare notes? Will she come here?

Yea, but from my wife's perspective; what constitutes selfish demands and disrespectful judgments? I think almost anything I say qualifies at this point.