She could be your greatest ally against this affair. I would do that today. I have a suspicion that the affair is still on and your W is only saying this stuff to camoflage the affair.

A lovebuster has a specific meaning and is not contingent upon someone's "perspective." Her perspective will be that of a falling down drunk who views any move against her affair as irritating. Almost anything that does not ENABLE her affair will irritate her, but that does not mean it is a "lovebuster." Just keep that in mind.

Again, your goal is to save your marriage, not appease a fogged out wayward at all costs. If you are appeasing someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage and family, then you are contributing to your own demise.

HWW:

About your Plan A efforts last night:

The meal was good. Asking about the money was bad. Do what you have to do to protect yourself. Move everything else to a safe place. You do not have to discuss it with her. She brings it up, you talk, be factual. State simply that people in affairs spend family money and just not thier own. She can have her own accounts.

Doing the laundry? Do hers too. Makes her angry? So what. It puts her in the position of being angry at you for being good to her. Unsupportable over time, and she will respect that, later.

Call the OMW. Today would be good. Really ruins the weekend for the OM. So that's good. And WW? Angry. Notice the pattern in WW? Anger.

Because you are interfering in paradise. Don't worry about it.

Give her more opportunity to talk. Helps to dissipate the anger. Keep it light. Talk about other things beside the M, R, and OM. She will want to, just change the subject.

OK?

LG

Melody, I just ran out to use a pay phone and try to call the OM's wife. She wasn't home, but I'll talk to her and let you know.

LG, Ok, thanks.

Pace yourself

No ONE thing you do in Plan A will make any difference to a WW.

EVERYTHING you do (cumulative effect) in Plan A will make a world of difference.

Don't hang on her every word or actions. She's so messed up nothing she does will make sense, and trying to understand those things will keep you whirling around in confusion.

Plan A with a vengence. Use her anger towards you to temporarily "detach from her in an emotional sense", so that her crazy moods don't interefere with your PLAN A.

Nothing you say to her will impact her at all. In her current state of ultimate entitlement, all she can think to do is defend her actions, at nearly any cost. Husband and children are simply an obstacle to her "having her way" completely.

This will not be fixed in a few days or weeks. This will be a two year long, or longer, endeavor. Looking for immediate results will drive you crazy. Give all, expect nothing, and don't be frozen by fear of what she may do or say. Follow the MB plan and you will prevail.

Best wishes,
SD

Mr W. above talked about how his wife filed divorce in desperation to get the OM back. I thought that was interesting.

Just to set the record straight, my wife discussed leaving me and my daughter in Michigan, separating and going to Atlanta to be with OM (and try to get him back because he ended the affair).

It was a brief discussion. I basically said "NO". Which kind of shocked her. You see...OM had dumped her and was pretty much broke. She NEEDED our money to go to Atlanta and separate. I wasn't going to give it to her. I knew I could cancel credit cards (had the list ready to go) and there wasn't much cash around for her to do so. Me saying "NO" made that option to go to Atlanta and try to win back OM unplausible.

Your situation. OM's got a little more money. Even though he's unhappy with his severence he's still got cash or soon to have cash to burn. If he's an idiot (likely) he WILL burn it on his addiction although his BW might have a clue and protect her family...could be something to mention to her (just thought of this...if the company has a 401k plan they will HAVE to get OM's wife signuture before they cut OM a check...she needs to be very carefull OM doesn't pocket THEIR retirement savings.)

Jobless...OM may move...you can only hope.

Back to my point. IF OM dumped her...she may push for divorce and file so she can play damsel and star-struck lover to OM and hope to attract him back. She'll play on his guilt and to do so she MAY have to actually file. Best you can do is keep pressure up on OM with exposure, battle planning with his wife (keeping your distance as she was his mistress before she married him), MAYBE calling his first wife and mother of his children...whatever you can do to KEEP OM from changing his mind. Your wife MUST appear more trouble than she's worth. What's great about that is the more OM hems and haws...the more CRAZY your wife's behavior will become. She'll lovebust like crazy to get him back and he'll then be less likely to follow through.

As far as YOU. Don't sweat HOW and affair ends, only THAT it ends. Hopefully, fairly soon you'll end up at No Contact one way or another. After withdrawal, I'm betting your wife may even be inclined to move away to a better job market. She's burned many a bridge here in Michigan and your marriage could use a fresh start, at that point, far from Michigan.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s. - still waiting for that email from you

p.p.p. - Did you transfer that money to your attorney's retainer account yet???

Let me ask you this,

Why would taking your and your children's share of the money out of the joint account, and placing it into a separate account, be detrimental to your WW? You are merely protecting your and your children's share of the marital assets. If she goes through with D, she will be entitled to her share, no more. You fear her anger, but where is that anger coming from? What insecurity could possibly be fueling her feelings of entitlement to your marital assets?

I suggest she is cake eating, foggy, alien. You are proposing taking away her options, and she isn't agreeing. I can't believe, in a rational mindset, that she would disapprove. She sure will be getting counselled to do the same by her attorney, and whom do you trust protecting the marital assets, you, or your WW?

I think you've received good advice from people who have BTDT, for your sake, I hope you take full advantage of their experience.

Shattered, wow. I'm looking at your signature. You were at it for a long time, weren't you? Wow. What strength you must have!

Mr. W., sent you an email.

Tried to call the OM's wife three times. Not home.

I haven't transfered any money. Wife's bonus hit the joint account today, so she didn't divert that check. And it was a pretty good sized check.

I'd suppose she MIGHT be anticipating THAT check and together with the money she trasferred Wednesday...ALL that is going to her attorney potentially RIGHT NOW.

I would hate for you to wait to SEE what happens and then report back to us...you were right, the money is gone.

Her hostility to the question about the money yesterday was manipulation. She'll be prepared to answer you amicably ONCE the money is gone..I'm certain.

Mr. Wondering

Did want to ask...was the bonus check deposited in Savings or Checking???

Really doesn't matter...she may be on her way to the attorney this afternoon to write out the check, then go to the bank to transfer the bonus check to checking AND/OR withdraw it to cash. Her attorney will likely deposit the same immediately.

We have seen this MANY times before. Be the one guy that PREEMPTED such situation.

I know this FEELS harsh and you hate the idea of having to explain yourself whilst at the same time trying to Plan A her and save your marriage...but you've got your family to think about.

She may even be writing a check on an apartment to rent, 1st month, last month, Security Deposit. If the funds aren't there SHE can't move out and YOU can still Plan A her no matter how UPSET she gets.

Mr. Wondering

Hi everyone. I've been picking up kids, putting laundry in the washer, and earning some money. But, I've also been talking to my attorney.

My wife filed on me yesterday. I transfered money. So, I've been busy today. It still hurts even though I've been ready for this for awhile.

So, now the fun and games begin. My wife's attorney talked to my attorney earlier today. The two law firms know each other well, so I don't expect any surprises.

My wife was unequivacable with her attorney, 'no reconciliation!'

Mr. W, the wife wrote a check. It was above board. She had her bonus deposited into savings, not checking. I'm not worried about her doing anything radical now. I need to do some regrouping and thinking. I also need to read the complaint.

Wow, wow. Here I am in week nine. For me d-day was 3/25/07. On 3/24/07, my wife and I went to some friends house for a small party. We had a great time. I thought we were more in love than ever before. We went home that night and my wife initiated great sex with me. It was wonderful. I cherished her.

3/25/07 my world changed and here I am nine weeks later. Unbelievable. Wife can't talk to me without going into a rage and she's filed for divorce. Wow.

My H and I were married 14 years when he began his A with the wife of his life-long friend ... H knew OW for more than 5 years before he'd met me .... we're FINE now.

Length of time OM knows your WW is not the issue .... resume regular MB programing

I know all seems lost right now.

Keep you chin up.

I just went to the MB weekend seminar and Dr. Harley likens waywardness to temporary insanity.

Don't sweat the "no reconciliation" part. You only can control you. Stick to your plan. This is a long war, the battles leading to victory (be that personal recovery or marital recovery) are yet to be fought.

Again...don't negotiate divorce or separation discussions. Keep MB your secret. Guard your computer, delete temporary files every so often. Don't choose to be automatically logged in so she can obtain your password here.

Sorry for your day. Great job transferring some money. It ain't over by a long shot...MANY, MANY marriages have been saved using the MB principles even after a divorce filing. It doesn't mean crap in this struggle. You are just as likely to save your marriage as you were yesterday.

Mr. Wondering

Pepperband, thank you. That helps me to know. I've seen your other posts and they've been really helpful to me. I appreciate it. So your H knew the other woman for 19 years before the affair started? Wow. I'll bet his buddy isn't very happy with him, huh?

HWW:

When do you think the EA actually Started?

Yes, they knew each other for 14 years.

But it seems that you don't think it was anything more than a EA for a while.

You say it went PA after discovery. Do you think it might have been PA before that?

You are nine weeks into the knowledge of the A, but only 1 week into MB.

Your WW Filed? Interesting. There is something more going on.

What do I mean by that? Your WW is moving the bus quickly. Unusual for most WS's around here.

IF the A had only started recently.

She may be trying to save face, and to show OM: "Hey! I'm Available!"

The first six months of an A create the most activity. If the A partners are going to get together, it will generally happen in the first 6 months.

It's about emotional needs. The BS meets many, but the OM meets some others. SSOOO, WW thinks that the OM will meet these others as soon as they can be together.

So, remember, what is happening now, is only the very first steps. Your actions, and the knowledge you gain from MB, will get you to a place in your future where you can get WW back.

Because OM has his own issues and WW doesn't see them all, YET.

She will, the deeper she gets in with OM.

And call OM's W and let her know that WW filed today.

I'm sure that OM knows, but sometimes, Waywards like to give it to the OP as a "Gift" Sort of like "Surprise!, See what I have done for you!" If you get to spoil that, it's a good thing!

And it can also terrify OM. Makes him think of the future with your WW and your kids. The responsibilty factor really cranks up then.

I know your OM has been D'ed before, so he has already crossed that hurdle, but contact OM's W just the same.

HAng in there.

It took you how many years of M to get here? It can take a while to get back.

But it will be a new M, and a better one. When it works out.

LG

lousygolfer, 'When did the EA start?' I suppose I don't really know, but my wife says the end of January '07.

My wife has said to me that, 'the OM can talk to her like no one else'. She says, 'he knows her better than anyone'. She used to work for him until 3/2006 when she received a big promotion. She then began to report to a different city and the OM's career began to fall apart. My wife says she didn't see him very much at all for a year, then out of desperation, she went looking for him.

At some point, my wife told him about her feelings for him, and she says the EA began at the end of January, 07.

My wife said it went PA the week after she told me. I've never understood why she felt it necessary to tell me that one.

I don't know what is truth and what is fiction. On the first night, my wife said, 'my love for you is like a brother sister love; I love you because you are the father of my children'. That was 3/25/07. Then 4/17/07 this was published and everything in it is exactly, EXACTLY my wife:

USA Today Article

The name (the first article name that starts with 'M'), the dates, the personal attributes, the OM's description, the quote; everything is exactly the same. The article really spooked me.

How could my wife be interviewed like this? Well, she's a very narsacistic human being right now. For excitement, she may have gladly volunteered when a request for volunteers went out. She works in the HR headquarters department of one of the biggest companies in the world, located in the midwest. I could easily see a request go out to employees asking for confidential interviews. You will also notice that the author DOES NOT say he changed the names. This one still bugs me.

I confronted my wife with the article and instead of acting confussed and surprised, she became surprised and defensive. She pretty quickly accused me of writing the article. She asked me one other time if I believed that she gave the interview. I said 'yes'. She said, 'I can only laugh at that'.

Lousygolfer, I'm more than 1 week into MB. I've been reading HNHN and the web-site for some time. I've only just recently started to post.

I will call the OM's Wife. I tried three times yesterday.

Wife was particularly happy last night. It felt like she was reveling about filing for divorce and reveling in the sadness I felt and couldn't completely hide.