I spoke to the OMW again today. I think pressure is really going to mount on my WW. I'm sure I'm going to have some questions as things change.

HWW.

The wife called. I'm amazed; despite all the evidence, despite all the things she's said about the OM being her 'soul mate', she still denies she's in an affair; just amazing.

A WW is truely a fogged out beast.

I caught my wife making plans to travel with the OM. I confronted her with my evidence. Last night she went balistic, today she's trying a different approach; being nice. I said 'thank you for the explanation', but when she wouldn't quit on the 'we're just friends' I said, 'come on, I may speak slow, but I'm not stupid. I'm being feed a lot of information and I know better.' She hung up on me.

HWW

REVIEW . . .


What does give up mean? Because, my feelings for my wife have definitely changed. Part of me understands that I'm in a better place because of my change in feelings for my wife, but part of me is telling me I'm giving up on her.

When does my emotional detachment turn into giving up?

When you agree to an "amicable" divorce and give in to HER will. Keep fighting for your family to the bitter end. Don't think your situation is hopeless.

I'm having a tough time seeing anything but a hopeless situation. The OM is now living in a house just a few miles away. My wife goes over there.

I've carefully started talking to my youngest child (DD)about the possibility of moving; I don't see the OM moving. Boy, was that difficult and my DD is so shaken by that possibility.

My wife's spewing of her hatred toward me has really gotten to me. I know it's babble, but it's been so severe that I'm ready to move on.

Getting her out of the house, on the hook for alimoney and child support, and getting to plan B will do wonders for your sanity.

Thanks Jim, I'm talking to my attorney everyday about getting to Plan B. If I could get some sort of time frame out of my attorney on the issue it would really help, but in my state (MI), it's tough to force a spouse out witout good cause.

OK...so are you journaling her verbal abuse of you? If not, get started RIGHT NOW.

Document EVERYTHING.

Talk with you lawyer about what it would take to get an RO against her for her abuse of you. Then get her booted as a result of that restraining order.

Makes sense to me...thoughts?

Owl,

Yes, I have been journaling her outbursts.

HWW

Have you discussed with your lawyer about what affect this has on her parenting abilities? Raised a concern that she's creating an unhealthy/dangerous environment for you and your kids? Talked about getting a restraining order on her for verbal abuse to remove her from the house?

Carry around a digital voice recorder to capture her outbursts. Your situation won't get any better until you can expose her to some major consequences of her actions. You are in the right here, and your actions are only to protect your family. You need to get her out. Chronicle her visits to OM. Make sure your attorney is a bulldog. Ask your attorney to give you a timetable for getting her out.

Another bad bad night. The tsunami of truth has hit my wife again and she was shaking. Unfortunately, my wife keeps blaming me and pulling my DD into the fray. I wasn't even remotely responsible for the tsunami, it was a psychiatrist friend who was defending their own daughter against my wife's inappropriateness. My wife can't talk to adults, so she talks to 15 year olds instead. It's sick.

help_w_wife,

I read your post this morning and it sounded a lot like mine. I feel for you and I can remember those days well. I was devastated but wanted my xw out of the house! She was abusive and I was a wreck.

This happened 2 ½ years ago. We were married 19 years. She gave me the speech out of the blue. No problems to speak of between us expect financial but we were recovering. And I have to say that she was responsible for the financial difficulties and I was responsible for letting her do this to our family. I did not step up as the Husband to protect my family. She ran all over me for years and I let her. I was a wimp! Not anymore!

After pleading, begging, crying (you get the picture), I found out that she was seeing my son’s baseball coach. This guy was 29 and my xw was 40. We are devout Christians and attend church regularly so I had such a difficult time even believing that this was true.

I never caught them but I found cell records, out-of-town-trips and she confessed that her and the guy would probably get together in the future. Her confession to me about the other guy was given to me without me asking. I was crying at the time. I bet I have not cried in 20+ years prior to this.

People would tell me they had seen him coming out of her motel room late at night during baseball tournaments. I heard all sorts of things like this during those 3 or 4 months. I could not validate the affair as I spent a lot of time looking after my kids. All this tormented me to say the least.

This was 1 or 2 months into the ordeal. That was enough for me! I was NEVER angry. I was always calm throughout this whole ordeal. I simply went semi-black on her. I pulled the purse strings from her. I only paid for basics. This caused her to go into attack mode.

Her big argument was that we had grown apart, she was 40 and now it was time to live her life. She said ‘she never loved me’. All the typical crap you read on this forum.

I spent most of my time on the back porch talking to my pastor and family. I tried to stay away from her. I hoped she would leave. She would be gone for three days straight and I would think she had left for good. She always came back to attack me. All her friends (as far as I could tell) were divorcees and I assume she was getting advice like this from them.

One of her friends actually told me ‘You guys have been married for 19 years and the court will make you keep up her standard of living. You need to give her money like you used too even though you may not like her actions.” This friend was a doctor’s wife and there were having major issues too.

My xw abused me verbally for not getting out of our house. She yelled and screamed at me. She even convinced the kids that I should leave. My 6 year old would come up to me and ask me to leave so Mom would be happy again. It was heartbreaking! I had always had a 100% active role as a Father to these kids. Today, my relationship is great with three of them but not my oldest. My oldest is upset that her way of life was changed. She rarely talks to me.

My teenagers stayed away most of the time. My oldest was graduating from high school and she spent a lot of time away. This was a terrible time.

My x would confront me in the hallway by stepping in front of me, smiling, then poking me in the chest. She was attempting to get me to hit her so she could call the police. This occurred at least three times in a month. It was not a one time incident. I felt like I was living in the movie –War Of The Roses. I think that was the name of the show.

I had to call the police on numerous occasions but they could do absolutely NOTHING! One time I called the police because she had chased me into a bathroom and was hitting me. I ran outside and called the Cops. I was in the backyard with my cell phone when they showed up. Apparently, she met them at the front door and escorted them to the back yard. I can only imagine hat she told them. Three of the cops ran up to me with their guns drawn. They told me to drop what I was holding. Can you believe that!

She told me on numerous occasions that she wanted me dead. I immediately changed my beneficiary from her to the my sister on my life insurance policy.

She abused me. I am a big guy (6’3” 250) and a semi-body builder of sorts. I could not convince anyone, even my attorney what was going on.

I hope you can get a restraining order on her! I really do. You need to stay in your home but get her out. This was a dangerous situation that I was in. I could have easily hurt her in my state of min. Thank God I am a meek guy by nature. She is not….aggressive and vocal. I guess opposites do attract.

Please do everything you can to get her out of your home. Document and find someone who can help you!

A note...

I lost 30 or pounds during this.

After 6 months or so I started to walk again then run. I went back to bodybuilding. My ego was in the dumps. I look and feel great today!

Today, I have a wonderfull women by my side and a good relationship with my kids.

LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER!!!

BobJan,

Man, what a story, with many similarities to mine. Yea, I need to talk to my attorney again and find out what's taking so long. It's nuts!!!

Did you use the MB principals? What ever happened to your wife?

HWW.

Help_w_wife:

Remember this… Your attorney will more than likely not be interested in helping you. From their point of view, they see this daily and have become accustomed to it. It will be difficult to convince them to help. I would say that a RO based on your kids well being and her abuse will be the key for you.

My attorney told me from the start ‘J, she will try to get to you to lose your cool maybe even hit you’. I assured him that this would not happen. He was right all along!

You will need recorded evidence, police reports (call the police if needed) and witnesses it available.

My XW won physical custody of my kids. We share joint custody. She ended up settling down about 6 months later and moved out withy the kids. Before the divorce she lived a few blocks away. I wanted to fight for custody and my Lawyer said that it would be a 50/50 chance of winning. He said that the affair would have no bearing. The only thing the court looks at is ‘Is she a fit parent’. Besides this time in my life she had been a great Mom and wife. I really don’t know what happened to her. She turned into someone that I do not know! It was heart breaking to go through. My Attorney interviewed my kids and all said they wanted to live with their mom. Today, my 14Girl says that she wanted to live with me but her Mom would not let her. My X has a very controlling personality!

It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I though about leaving this city and going home to Texas to start over. I can’t tell you the pain I went through. Luckily, I had a good counselor that put me through a ‘crisis’ therapy of sorts. I was that devastated. It almost seems like a fog or distant memory today. There are times during this process that I can’t remember what happened. I stayed in bed for days. It was terrible.


My XW moved 8 hours away. She is still single and angry as hel!. I don’t know why. It is all about the money at this point. We usually communicate using e-mail. She has not restricted my visitation but as definitely thrown a wrench into it whenever she can.

I thank God every day that He has lead me out of this fire into the life I have today. Thinking back on my marriage, I spent almost every waking moment working, taking care of the kids and general home-life. She viewed this as a weakness and took advantage of my meekness.

This will NOT happen again!

I used some of the MB principals without actually knowing them. I made mistakes but i did the following:

1) I let everyone know about the affair.
2) I went black on her during this time.
3) I did as little communication as possible.
4) I fought the divorce up until month 6 or so. I told my lawyer to fight it, postpone it, etc...
5) I kept inviting her to go to counseling.
6) I sent her cards, flowers, etc... This was a no-no!

She was in the affair, left the house with the kids and I was alone until the divorce 1 year later.

I tried to get her to go to counseling. I went 1/week for a year!

After the divorce, she called me crying. She seemed to want to get back with me. It was too late!! it sounds bad but that made me feel a little better.

Today she is ANGRY, ANGRY and ANGRY. And i really don't know why. I believe her guilt is eating away at her! I feel no compasion but maybe I will in the future!

I have to recant a statement I made above after reading it again:

My XW was NOT a great or even good partner/wife.

BobJan,
We do have a lot in common. I love Texas and have felt trapped where I am for years. My wife has also snapped, but my attorney tells me I will get physical custody of the kids because I have been the primary care giver. Also, my wife travels. I think that will shake her. My kids are so manipulated by her it's sickening. I don't know where I am any more with Plan A. The only thing I think about now is, don't DON'T slam her head against the wall!!! The kids need you; they need one adult.

I can also count my wife's friends on one hand. Whereas I have many many friends as well as my extended family in the same town. My wife is definitely isolated and rebuked.

The most bizarre personality trait that I can't figure out is my wife's ability to hate. She really HATES!!! She hates me. She resents her mother. She hates, HATES her dead step father. My wife is full of resentments. She can't move past them. They eat her insides and she hates. I've never seen anyone who can be so full of rage as my wife. And this is a new personality trait.

MB says the hatred is part of the addiction, and maybe that's true. But my wife isn't like anyone that I've found on any thread here at MB. I really see no hope.

Thanks for all the posts. It's hard and I appreciate the encouragement I receive from everyone.

HWW

Hi, I really feel like I've destroyed my Plan A with my efforts to break up the affair. It's been pretty rough on my wife and she blames me for everything. Her resentment grows and she doesn't waffle at all concerning the divorce. I'm worried that I will leave Plan A for Plan B and she will not remember anything except the pain she's been feeling.

HWW