HWW,

I read your entire thread over the past two nights (I've been stuck at work, YUCK). I just wanted to tell you that you are doing a superb job; Plan A is the toughest.

One question, do you ever get time away from your wife, to decompress, no kids, just you and some friends? Plan A is not about running yourself into the ground over your M, it is about changing you, which you have and are doing. .

I think your best bet is to not have any NEGATIVE conversations anymore; if your WW starts to draw you in, take a step back and remind her that you will not be spoken to in ____ way (that horrible tone, that negative tone, screaming, verbal abuse). Let her know that you are more than willing to TALK, when she can, but need to leave right now.

Again, I think you are doing very well, considering the circumstances that you are living in. Have you started to look into Plan B, to 'prep' for it. Maybe thinking of what you would want to say in a Plan B letter will help you to have a better picture of your goal. Sometimes, Plan A can bog you down and take your sight off of the real goal.
With that said, I wish you the best in your endeavor to save your M.

Silentlucidity, Thank you for the post. I was having a blue Sunday evening by myself, doing some reading, when I saw your post.

Yes, I do work on myself, thanks for asking. I see now why that's so very important. I'm down to my college weight, and I've been working out daily. I know others have commented on my appearance; even my 15 year old! I do get out, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself. I'm avoiding my wife. I'm trying to be around her as little as possible. If she reaches out to talk, then that's fine.

You are right about Plan A. It is extremely difficult. I was looking at some older threads on MB and I must say; it's difficult to find a situation like mine. I mean, my wife filed for divorce two months after D Day. She's never looked back or waffled. I guess that's what discourages me the most. She's so certain it's over.

Finally, I'm hearing about some difficulty between her and the OM. I knew this would eventually happen. But, I feel like I must suppress any feelings of hope. I remember all the terrible things my wife yelled at me on those occassions when she verbally abused me. That helps me turn away from her and keep my wall up.

I'm not sure when Plan B is going to happen for me because of the kids. I'm being advised by everyone close to me to fight for custody. I can't Plan B until custody is determined and I somehow get my wife to move out. Until then, I'm in a Plan A from ******.

I hope things are going well for your recovery. It is such a lonely feeling; this Plan A.

Thanks for your wishes.

HWW

HWW,

Oh, I remember the lonelies. It wasn't so much about being ALONE, as much as longing for something better. I get that, I think we all understand.

I know it's hard to do, but try to remind yourself that this woman is in a state. She's NOT herself, not really. You are talking (listening to her scream, maybe is more on target)to a veritable stranger.

You are learning how to duck and bob and weave around her punches. Any time she actually lands a blow, you get back up. YOu are also protecting your kids from her [email]cr@pola[/email] right now, and now that they are all privvy to the REAL situation, they respect that you are working so hard for them. People will tell you that you may or may not save your M; this is true, but you WILL save yourself. You will be happy again. There's no two ways about it.

You are doing a tremendous amount of work on yourself, and you will reap the benefits. This time is but a small space in your entire lifetime; it is one of the toughest, but it will be small, in retrospect.

With such a volatile sitch as yours, if and when you can Plan B, you will get some well needed rest from the lunacy of a WS. YOu will be able to carry a good feeling from one moment to another, without a batch of Wayward spew mucking it all up.

Silentlucidity, I feel so humiliated right now. The wife just came home. She was so happy. She filled me in on what was going on with the kids and dropped of my son, then she left. I know when she's seeing the OM. My emotions are going nuts right now; between humiliation and rage.

My plan B is so far off. Can you imagine living in the same house as you WS for months and months. I can't give in for the kids.

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I can't wait to sleep. I feel so bad right now.

(((HWW)))

HWW,

I'm thinking of you. I'm 10 days into Plan B, and WH quit trying to contact me, so I'm sure he is with OW. It sure does hurt. I also feel humiliated because I thought that we were in recovery. It's very lonely right now for me because I'm alone in a big house. Sometimes I think that I'll go nuts, so this site has been a life saver for me. At least you have the kids.

Hang in there. We're here if you need us....

HWW,

I CAN relate to living with a WS for months on end; I had a very long false recovery with my FWH (11 months). FWH first had a EA/PA==she dumped him, he came home. I did not know MB at the time. He began withdrawal, but it was oh so slow; she was his supervisor, but left the position for a consulting position==still had contact, albeit not much, for months after she left him. True withdrawal never took place because he started an EA with another coworker. I think detoxification was just too much for him at the time, reality was still no great alternative.

I found MB about 9 months into our false recovery, and started Plan A. After two months, I asked him to leave after confirming the EA and the fact that he 'can't be happy' with me. While separated, we attempted to get together, see if we could start over and make it work, meanwhile, he started another R with ANOTHER co-worker (I had no idea, at the time). Once I found out about another OW, I went to Plan B. I was so wounded and done!

Got an LSA, and did a poor plan B for a month, then I hunkered down a bit more, got used to doing it alone, got to like doing it alone. I still had my own withdrawal to go through, and my own fog to get out of, but once I did, I stayed the course. I was in Plan B mostly for one last ditch effort to save the M. I started working on me more and more. I was pretty depressed, the AD's helped, but it would come in waves.

My WH started to contact me about himself, so I bit, and because of that, we suffered another false recovery (1 month long), he was not finished with OW yet (they still worked together). I went back to plan B, dark, AGAIN. Thank God for this place and the plans. There is no fumbling, MB shows you the way.

After a couple of months, WH contacted me again, but it was different. HE moved out of OW's apartment and got his own, he was seeing a counselor, he wanted his family back.

Recovery is tough, but totally doable with MB backing you.

I know of another poster who has had to Plan A while his wife is continuing her A, and that is Crossroads. He was desperate for Plan B, but wife wouldn't move out. I still tell him to do it, even though he says his LB is in the red. Plan B is still serenity, and may provide a safe place for you to fan the flames of your love; maybe reignite the little flame.

Sorry this is so long. Recaps are never short. I know it's hard, but try to remind yourself that, truly, this is about her, and has nothing to do with you. She's not facing her problems and they will compound, follow HER wherever she goes.

**sigh**

thank you

I know the battle is long, but it can also be hard fought and won...

Maybe you need to watch a good war movie or a movie about Spirit, fight. "The Great Escape" is one of my favs. I love Steve McQueen!

Please don't take this wrong, because I know some conversation is wrong. I miss talking to my wife, but I miss talking to women. I'm constantly thinking about avoiding women, especially when it leads to anything personal. I'm sure you all are doing the same with men. I won't even talk to my married female friends without their husbands; that's how careful I'm trying to be. So, when I get some conversation with some women, it feels good, so thanks. It's like I've been banished to the men's room for the forseeable future, while my wife gets to romp around in any room she wishes.

I'm watching this Tom Cruise movie called Minority Report. Not too good. The Great Escape is a favorite of mine also.

I just watched a movie called "Sweet Home Alabama". I was able to use a line out of the movie on my wife. I said, 'I may talk slow, but I'm not stupid. I know better (about the fair being active, not just friends)'. She hung up on me.

I got a chuckle out of that.

HWW

I think it's good for us (women) to talk with men too, just to get their POV on these things. You guys hurt as much as we do, although you may not show it. I always thought it was mostly men that were unfaithful (not a slam, you are just raised with that impression) but I'm finding just as many men on this site. I'm amazed at just the sheer number of people on here who are going through the same thing. It's kind of freaky.

I agree it's freaky, but in a way comforting because it's all so predictable. If it wasn't, I think I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. Fact is, I'm in a way moving away from my wife to protect myself emotionally.

You said in an earlier post how your emotions go up and down. Boy, so do mine. I'm sure you would also agree that this is the most painful experience a human could experience. That first month was unbelievable. I can't compare it to rape or death of a child, but it was terrible. That's how surprised and in love I was.

What hurts even more, is how I've had empathy for the effects of betrayal, but my wife sure doesn't. I've had opportunities, but I never acted on them because I knew how much pain that would cause.

One of the things Dr. Harley says is that everyone would have an affair given the opportunity. I don't know. I can't imagine ever doing what my wife did to me to another human being. Ever.

HWW,

It's not conversation that will harm you, it is the kind of conversation, so don't fret over that with me. I kid with most of the guys on this site, as well as the women; people here KNOW what you are suffering, and sometimes let loose with some good jokes or good banter.

You are dealing with a lot of trauma right now, and a release of talking to someone else, not just about the A, but about what to do with yourself, is good, healthy.

I'm working late tonight, so I'm online, posting, looking at newer posters stuff, getting to know them. YOu and Knitgirl are talking and I'm listening. It sounds like Mr. W has been of great help to you, among many others, so I will dispense with much advice about the A and the lawyer and such.

I mostly talk about my sitch, me, what I did during Plan A, Plan B. I got a lot of hope from reading about other peoples [censored]. I didn't feel so alone, or that my situation was so UNIQUE.

silentlucidity, I looked at your thread and see that you've been in your sitch for a long time. How is it going with your husband?

Isn't it funny about that first month? After DDay, I couldn't get out of bed for two days. Short recap - he started the A while out of town on a long term assignment in another state. The day I found out, he said that he ended it, had to go back for one week, then he would be done with the assignment. I didn't know about MB back then, so when he came home 1 week later he said that he ended it, love me, was sorry, and wanted our M. To your point, if I had known about MB I would have known better than to believe him - as you said "predictability" is the key.

So for the next few months I really thought that we were fine. I fell in love with him again and we were doing things and having fun. I was Plan Aing without realizing what I was doing. Meeting EN's (although at the time I didnt know about EN's) It just felt like the thing to do. Then something changed. He started becoming distant, not in the game. BAM! After 5 months found out that he had never quit contacting her and that he was still seeing her during his travels. I think he tried to end it, but couldn't. Anyway, my point is that we now know what to expect and can deal with it - not understand it - but deal with it.

And yes, it is the worst pain I've ever suffered.

Man oh man, what a question. It is a tough row to ho, but I'm doing it. Think Plan A, under less severe circumstances. PWC (my FWH) is going through withdrawal, to what extent he has not discussed. We are two months+ into recovery now, and I am still working on ME. I need to, so that's just fine. I am doing my part to draw PWC back in, and I slip here and there, but I mostly just go about my day.

There is less pressure, because the A is over, but I often wonder if he will resume contact with OW. He cheated three times in two years. That's so tough for me to say, to admit that I was still willing to recover after all of that pain. He's home, he's doing his part, as much as he can, and we do get to smile sometimes and laugh sometimes, but it's hard work a lot of the time. I know that it will get better.

Already, my emotional status is much better. I am happier. Just me. Add my husband and a happy young boy (my DS turned 5 this May), and I am doing much better. My mood used to swing like a pendulum. Since Plan B, and now in recovery, I've learned so much about me. Now, I'm learning about my mistakes PRIOR to PWC's A's, and working to remedy those, make them permanent changes.

It's tough work, but easier than when I was in Plan A.

SL
I really do commend you for being willing to recover after that. I think for me, finding out the second time was worse than the first because at that point, he knew that I knew about the A, knew how much it hurt me, but still did it again. I feel humiliated, foolish. Don't think I could survive another one...

Knitgirl, I've been following your thread. You're doing really, really well. I wish I was where you are; Plan B.

The few mistakes you were worried about in your thread seemed like natural deviations that should not be a problem for your effort at all. You've done a good job getting back on course.

If it wasn't for the my various support outlets: God, sisters, psychiatrist, MB, friends and kids; I don't know how I would cope. I see you've got great support on your thread.

Well, to be honest, the second affair was during our separation, and YES it did hurt, but I don't know her at all. I have no idea what she looks like, nothing. I don't think it would be wise for me to go looking at this point either. It was also during a time when my WH was still so lost. Truth is, because he has done it more than once, I will be wondering for some time when he plans on hunting down the next woman. It's natural to think these things. His way of dealing with pain, in the past has been these OW.

I can only hope that he is working on himself and doesn't have a larger problem or addiction that MB cannot fix. I don't think so; I think he is majorly depressed. I was also in a Plan stay the heck away from me after our first false recovery, so it stood to reason that he would not be able to handle being alone. He sought out someone else. He said that he thought I was filing for D when I set up the LSA. Foolish.

Anyway, I'm not excusing his behavior, I'm trying to just process what I know. I know that, in the past, before any A's, my husband loved me, was proud to have me as his wife, lusted for me, WANTED me. I know this to be true. I know I was a better wife when all of these things occurred. That is what I am striving for now, regardless of what my FWH does. If we fail, it will not be for my lack of working and trying.