I listened to my sister this morning for over an hour about her relationship with her husband. We get ourselves so over-stressed, so taxed, so over-committed; why do we do this to ourselves?

Envy is the worst of the deadly sins; from it follows so many other sins.

Well, I had a good interview this evening. I'm going to fly out to San Diego, I've been called in for a 2nd face to face interview. The job opportunity is for a nice position, but I'm torn.

On the one hand, my SAHD side of me wants to remain in the role I have, but on the other hand, my SAHD role has been a source of humiliation. It's one of my wife's biggest resentments. She's told me numerous times how she's done supporting me. How I need to get a job. She doesn't give me credit for the money I've brought in through consulting income every year. To a lot of people, my consulting income is a very decent full time income . . . Did I mention the OM is unemployed?

My attorney has advised me to suspend my out of state job search because of my desire for custody. Many of my closest friends are advising me to restart my career. Oh, by the way the OM is unemployed (fired); did I mention that?

Talked to the OM's wife tonight. I've been communicating with her regularly. She told me she thought the two of them had an argument last week. It sounds like he's also told the wife he's dating. Then yesterday, the wife called him and he cut her off and hung up on her. My wife is really chasing him.

The day before dday, my wife and I were at a small dinner party. We came home and she came to me and we made love. We said, 'I love you' to each other. I thought our love and relationship was stronger and closer than ever. The next night dday. Am I that big of a fool?

Watching my wife four months later pursue and chase this guy kills me. I'm handling it although. The house and kids are in good order. I'm following the 180 list. The 180 list just came naturally to me. It's what I'm doing to wall off my emotions. Next week I'm heading to San Diego for job interview. Might be a very good opportunity in a good market. One step at a time . . .

No, you didn't mention that the OM is unemployed. What happened?

If you come to San Diego, bring plenty of money. Housing is HIGH.

believer,
Yea, I know housing is high in SD, but how would you compare it to other areas? In other words, for every $1 I earn in Michigan, how many $$ do in need to earn in San Diego, $3, $4?

I've been giving a lot of thought to this question. The position is a CFO position.

HWW

Living costs are reasonable here. Housing costs are ridiculous. A 3 bedroom 30 year old fixer upper in the ghetto, where there are drive-by shootings will run you about $350,000. A plain house in a somewhat decent area will be $500,000. Wages are generally low, because of our proximity to Mexico, and all the military, who often take second jobs, and their spouses.

The company location is La Jolla. Yep, pretty healthy prices. Looks like home prices keep going up. Do you think that will continue?

HWW

Yep - I've been here 30 years and it is continuing, and always has. And LaJolla is even worse. It's a beautiful place to live though. Trouble is, there is NOWHERE cheap. We have Mexico to the south, and it is expensive right to the border, the ocean to the west, and LA to the north. Even if you live way out in the desert 80 miles from work, the houses are high. Same thing with rent - it is high for what you get.

I think you would be better off staying in Michigan and trying for a job there. I know the job market sucks, but I understand houses are cheap. Our foreman just left here to go there. He and his wife are young, both working good jobs, and there was no way they would ever get a home here.

Thanks. We'll see what kind of offer they make me.

HWW

I'd just like to chime in that your WW is not divorcing you because you don't have a strong career, she is divorcing you because she is addicted to her OM. OM is currently unemployed, so you getting a job is San Diego is going to be no more attractive to her. You have her over a barrel right now, don't give up your leverage. Don't abandon your children because this job will make you feel more like a man. You should feel like a man because you are taking care of your children and fighting to keep their family together.

I agree with Jim. Stay home, fight the good fight. YOU have to face YOURSELF. Your issues about feeling manly are yours. You are working a very tough job, taking care of kids and running a business from home. You may be fighting your own notions, not your wifes.

You are a hero to those kids, fighting for what is good and right. Keep on making that place safe for them, and you will be rewarded more richly than any job will ever provide you, with happy, healthy kids.

Sil and Jim are spot on. Those children and their protection is what matters right now, certainly not the the thoughts, good or bad, of a selfish, cheating woman.

Everyone, I'm anguishing over these decisions. First of all, I feel very vulnerable with my consulting business. The economy is MI is terrible; it's very bad. My clients are badly struggling. And I admit, I am troubled by my SAHD role.

Second of all, my Plan B is not proceeding. I'm working with my attorney. I spoke to her again this morning. Who knows when Plan B will begin, but I'm having an ever increasingly difficult time with Plan A. I'm in 180 mode now, just to protect myself and prevent huge love busting on my part.

Third, I need to move on with my life. Right? I want my wife to see that I'm moving on. I don't see my life continuing in Michigan any longer no matter what. Whether I reconcile with my wife, or I don't reconcile; it doesn't matter. ******, the OM moved just down the street. I can't reconcile with my wife when the OM is walking distance away. I'll fight the fight for custody and my kids will be asked for their parental preference. If I can get to a cool spot, that will help.

Finally, I hate the thought of not being there for the kids. I really do, and this brings me back to staying. When my DD has tears in her eyes at the thought of moving, it makes me hate my wife.

So I'm incredibly conflicted. I just try to keep busy and take it one step at a time.

Help,

You are fighting for custody right now with every move you do or don't make. Tell your attorney that your goal is primary custody of your children and then let him in on any and all decisions that may affect them or harm your case including moving to California. Get his advice please and make the girls priority one above everything else. Be the one that looked out for them and didn't abandon them to a selfish, cheating, wife and loser OM.

I want my wife to see that I'm moving on.

Not right now, you don't. Not if you want a marriage in the end of all of this. You want the WW to know that you will make the changes that command, on their own merit, appreciation and respect; you don't want her to believe that there is no place for her in your life anymore.

You can cross the bridge of moving WITH your wife to a new location when the time is right. It's not, not right now. Hang in there, HWW.

I am not familiar with the 180 list. Can someone enlighten me.

I don't get this response. How is this conform with Plan B?

I am talking to my attorney about my intentions. Right now, I have no intentions, I'm just exploring options. I'm showing my wife that I'm taking care of myself. I'm showing my wife that I'm willing to meet her needs including the financial need. I'm showing my wife that I'm moving on.

Why is this wrong? What am I doing that's not in keeping with Plan A? I'm working on getting to Plan B. I'm at the end of my 4th month of this junk.

My 15 year old daughter just called me an a**h**e for turning the world against her mother. She called me every bad name out there because I've been telling everyone how bad a person my wife is. Well, my wife's actions speak for themselves. And I told my daughter that I've said very little about her mother, but her mother's actions are what causes everyone to rebuke and talk about her. I'm sick of this 15 year-old highschool 'crush / drama' mentality.





HWW

Oh, I didn't know that you were IN plan B. Disregard, if so. In Plan B, you want her to know what D would be like, for sure.

Here is a link:

180 Divorce Buster

You have to remember, my wife filed for divorce and is full steam ahead.

HWW