I'm not in Plan B, yet. I'm trying to get there, soon.

Regardless of what your wife does, you keep up the 180, NOT Plan B. You take no crap, walk away, state your boundaries, with honor and respect, but you don't move away, you don't show her the D face, not yet.

I know you are hurting, and I understand, just follow the plans as best you can. Nobody is perfect, HWW, we know that. I hope your WW moves out sooner than later

I think she tried to move in with the OM and the OM told her 'not with me'. That's the impression I have from talking to the OM's wife. Now, I'm dealing with cake eating because the OM is just down the street.

It's almost 8:00 am, Thursday, and my wife is still in bed. This is a first!

Last night my wife came to me in the kitchen; I was cleaning the dishes. I had just returned from a good long walk and she had returned from a business trip. She asked me a quick question and I responded. Her eyes were red and blood shot and her face was angry and resentful. She didn't look sad, but she looked like she had been crying.

I know my attorney has turned the heat up significantly. We're pushing for a mutual restraining order. We're pushing for information under something called Interrogatories. We're pushing to get into mediation (so I can try to get her to move out).

I'll try to see what I can learn from the OM's wife about the A. My wife is a mess.

Last night my wife came to me in the kitchen; I was cleaning the dishes. I had just returned from a good long walk and she had returned from a business trip. She asked me a quick question and I responded. Her eyes were red and blood shot and her face was angry and resentful. She didn't look sad, but she looked like she had been crying.


This is why I'm saying to keep up Plan A as much as you can; your M has to be a good alternative to OM. If your wife is entering a danger zone, your recovery will not work. Recovery is, initially, her committing to it, and you continuing in a Plan A type of way. If she does choose marriage, you two will need to move; that can be when the job search hits full stride.

Right now, showing her that you are moving on could be detrimental to a chance for recovery.

When you get ready to depose WW ALSO depose OM. This will put added pressure on their little affair.

Sil has a good point. It is okay to seem in control and moving on so to speak but also keep up plan A (if you still desire to recover your M)when the opportunity presents itseld. It could be something like making her a cup of coffee or tea when you saw her state of mind last night. She will not appreciate it at this time and it will seem for naught but according to recovered FWS's they remember things like this.

I like hopeandpray's take. Just the act of making her a cup of tea, setting it down in front of her, and walking away. That is giving, loving. You don't have to bend over backwards, or sacrifice more hurt.

Now, if she decides not to drink it, or to fling it across the room, that is about HER, not you. She is struggling. YOu see it.

I would love to do something nice for her, but I feel like she needs to come to me a bit first. I was just sitting here thinking to myself if I should throw her a bone of some sort. The tea idea has been tried in the past (in a different form), and it was met with love busters. I don't need or want any more LB's.

My son and I watched a cute little home decorating show where they made this candle display frozen in ice. My son made my wife a little candle display and gave it to her this morning. I think she sees my hand in those kinds of gifts. In the mean time, I've got the cleaning service here and a load of laundry running.

I've been doing a little work on the San Diego interview; prep'ing for the company and communicating with the CEO by email.

This morning she looked terrible, but I had a bit of a pleasant conversation with my wife. Last night her face was full of resentment and anger. This morning she was more pleasant. Our conversation was over this and that, but that's ok. That's when I could tell she looked terrible. Her face had an anguished look to it. Something is going on. I just don't know what.

My Plan A is just to demonstrate that I can be a good husband, not to win her back. Plan A won't win her back. My 180 is not to be unpleasant, but to work toward moving on, and that's helping me wall off my emotions. If she comes to me and talks, I'll keep it to the point, and I'll be pleasant. I think it's a bad idea to talk about the divorce or the relationship.

I'm going to call the OM's wife later and see if I can learn anything new. Thanks everyone for being there.

HWW

silentlucidity,
This just seems to be contrary to what I've been reading. Plan A is meant to be short. Just a way to demonstrate that I am able to change, and I can be a good husband. I keep reading how Dr. Harley really thinks Plan A won't work and it's Plan B that eventually leads to the steps necessary to reconcile. I'm really working hard to transition to Plan B as soon as possible. I'm at the end of month four since d-day.

HWW

Sounds like you've got a good handle on how to communicate, and that is really important right now.

It's hard, really hard. I may sound like I've got it figure out (TG for MB), but it's tough to carry out; especially when I look at her. I still love her.

HWW,

Hang in there. We all know this A won't last because OM is such a loser. She'll eventually see it.....

I know it doesn't help much, but I've been right where you are, and it's nearly impossible to stay in that place for any long period of time, something is going to break, and if you keep up Plan A, then go to Plan B, it will be your WW.

At this point, you have not nearly as much to lose as she does. You will not only have your children, and their trust, and your home, but you will have peace of mind knowing that you are doing what is good and right. Your integrity will be completely in tact. It may not mean much NOW, but it will.

Thank you.

Is it possible to expose the affair too much, to too many people in a way that becomes overly vindictive while the affair is active?

Good question-

I guess it depends on your motivation. Are you exposing with the intent of doing whatever it takes to save your M or are you doing it to "stick it" to the affair partners?

I think you need to do whatever it takes to save your M and if your WS accuses you of being vindictive-I would state that fact.

That's my take.

Thanks. The exposure has really taken a toll on the wife; she's scandalized. It's the scandal of the decade and the wife is really feeling it. She's ashamed. It's a large scarlet A she carries now, and she blames me for telling the whole world. That's not true for two reasons: 1. one she started the gossip when she started talking to 15 year olds about her affair very early after dday (I was keeping things to myself); and 2. I talked to a few close friends, but the scandal's juiciness took over and the gossip became rampant.

What's my motivation? At first it was to stop the affair. From time to time, I think I was motivated by anger, humiliation and despair. Now, I answer questions and I don't hold back any of the truth. The truth hurts.

I have to tell you all, I had a very bad afternoon. I was in pain, physical pain. The morning went well. I did some work and worked on the house, but after I got a call from a friend, I went down hill.

Last night I drove up to a different town to see a friend, who I've worked with frequently in the past. He's divorced and recently became engaged. I'm happy for him. His fiancee is also divorced.

After being married all my adult life and with the same woman since I was 20, I always pitied divorced people. You could just see the effect of divorce on them and they were forever different. Several of my friends have gone through this and they were never emotionally the same.

When I met up with my friend and his fiancee, we had dinner and we talked about divorce. I heard their stories. It was traumatic. After dinner we met up with two more of their friends at a free jazz concert. The two new friends were both women and both divorced. My buddy took me aside to inform about the two women. What he told me made me feel sick to my stomach. One woman was 'sexually free' and 'open with her body', but the other woman was a wh*re. No two ways about it. She apparantely chronicled her sexual exploits and gave the stories away. Her husband was, I'm sure, was crushed and gutted.

These two women were pleasant enough in conversation, but I just couldn't get past the company I was with. I was really becoming depressed with the new demographic I was heading to join: a divorced middle aged man. I was blue, but it wasn't until around noon the next day that I had some really tough physical pain. I slept. I missed an apppointment, then I finally yanked my butt up and went and worked out. I felt better. I've never felt like this before.

The wife met up with me at a kid activity. She was pleasant and told me how she was wearing her daughter's pants. I was pleasant, and briefly responded to her chatter; following the MB and 180 rules.

She went out tonight and looked very nice; just downright sexy. She's down to a size two pant. I commented to her that she's never worn a size two in her life; she smiled at that comment.

This just couldn't be any worse.

HWW,

I'm with you. I had a breakdown this week too. I'm somewhat in your sitch. I'm a few years older, but been M to same person since I was 19. I'm in a semi-Plan B (working with Jennifer on it), but he travels, so basically quit coming home. I'm not sure if it's bad or good not to see them at all. There's an emptiness to it. It makes me feel like I did the night my Dad died.