PN:

Come on back when your able to.

I had a nice long post to when the power died and I lost it.

And then TAC shows up.

Sorry. We can help.

Even TAC.

LG

Ohhell! Now it's all deleted.


I never understood this sense of entitlement. How is it that you 'deserve' what most everyone on this website is struggling daily to achieve?

want to supersize that coke?

I think someone has had enough. And I know we ain't talkin' colas.

um, one troll down... a couple more to go.

I wrote this before reading all the way through. I'm going to leave most of it on the off chance that there's anyone reading who actually needs the help. *sigh*

PrayersNeeded, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your situation is complicated and must be very painful for you. I don't know what decisions you'll come to about your marriage. I do know that you've got an awful lot of thinking to do.

One thing that I haven't seen recommended yet is a very deep and very dark Plan B. I can't recommend divorce to you. But I think that getting out of your current situation and taking many months to get your head and heart going in the right direction is, in all likelihood, the very best thing you can do for yourself. I'm not necessarily thinking of the "win your husband back" version of a Plan B, but rather the one that Dr. Harley describes in "Surviving an Affair." At the end of 18 months, you will have come so far that if your husband has not begun to do his own work, -you- will be ready to go on.

Right now, you're not and I wouldn't expect you to be. Time to heal is what you need, and I think time to heal with the support of a good community and a lot of time for introspection is a whole lot better choice than spending that time listening to your husband chatting with his girlfriend.

I also want to disagree with JL on one thing he said early. Though people debate about whether compulsive and uncontrolled behaviors are addictions, it appears to me that they share many of the same traits. Sexual Addiction is a particularly devastating version of those kinds of compulsive behaviors.

In addition to Patrick Carnes' work, which has already been mentioned, I also like Jon Marsh's work at Recovery Nation. His book, which is a description of his own path through the insanity of SA, is both horrible and enlightening. I recommend it if you're dealing with this stuff. I also recommend his community; the folks there will understand the destruction in your life, and in your husband's life, pretty well.

Hmmm, lots of words spelled wrong. Semi-poor grammar, all caps, this is not a professional person. And looks as if he and his buddy are gonna get into it now. Oh well, they come and they go, some get helped, others walk their own path to whatever their destiny.

Larry

Going directly to Plan B is probably a good option. I can almost guarantee that PN's husband is just dismissing PN's feelings about all of this as just a minor issue that will pass. That is the nature of the lifestyle. One person gets a little miffed about something, they take a break for a few weeks, and then back into it.

Those in the lifestyle think they are special with relationships immune to infidelity or betrayal. Its as if these words were banished from their vocabulary when they jumped into swinging. That seems to be one of the rules. The above are treated as just minor "issues" that are common and "normal" in the lifestyle, usually associated with poor communication.

Unfortunately the BS feels just like any other BS when the open marriage turns to one filled with lies, deceit, and betrayal as the WS decides to go behind the BS back. The BS has no where to turn. Swinger friends label it as a minor issue. Vanilla friends are appalled and think she is getting what she deserves. She comes to MB and gets stoned by the crowd. Most marriage counselors are clueless what to do. Just try to find any professional book or white paper on the subject of recovery from an open marriage.

So really a Plan B with an intense focus on IC is probably good advice. At least it won't be dismissed as a minor issue by her husband anymore. It also could be a good wakeup call for him. The WS goes from being this really cool swinging sex god to just another middle age loser trying to get layed. The fun and legitimacy is gone. It could work.

Chachanges:

You have been stoned here. I will not stone you for that post. It was absolutely, totally, dead on accurate in terms of what the guy could be thinking and what emotions are likely to be floating around in her head. You done good in my opinion.

Larry

this is MarriageBuilders
which is very very "vanilla"


if someone prefers involvement a non-traditional relationship/marriage ... which then gets all fouled up because it is fatally flawed from it's conception

it is absurd to try traditional marriage solutions when traditional marriage was rejected in the first place

it is the wrong fit

which is why I say

don't go into the hardware store looking to buy ice cream

and don't yell at the guy or gal behind the hardware counter because you demand RockyRoad and they hand you a hammer and a nail and some duct tape

You just can't quit henpecking, can you pep? Geez...

[color:"red"] available on the MB bookstore[/color]


Defending Traditional Marriage:
It Starts with You

Why does traditional marriage need to be defended?

Traditional marriage is a permanent and sexually exclusive relationship of extraordinary care between one man and one woman.

But marriage, as defined this way, has been under attack for more than seventy-five years, and if you're married--or planning to be--that's not good news. In fact, those attacking traditional marriage have been winning. Why? And what can be done about it?

Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. believes you can not only protect your own family from falling prey to these legal and cultural attacks but also help reverse the trend that characterizes today's marriage-unfriendly culture.

Historically, traditional marriage has provided two primary advantages over any other relationships: safety and stability. If either of these advantages is undermined, the success of an entire society is threatened. With heated sanctity-of-marriage debates swirling around us, whose responsibility is it to defend what's left of traditional marriage?

According to Dr. Harley, "It starts with you."

Order your copy today!


(2005, Paperback - 256 pages)

Retail $12.99 - Your Price $9.74 (Save 25%)
Defending Traditional Marriage (Paperback)
In Stock - Available Now!

I willingly henpeck to defend traditional marriage

There are, in fact, resources available for those in non-traditional marriages, including open marriages. Good resources. MB is very good for some marriages, particularly those that are traditional Christian marriages. It's not so good for others.

Chachanges, if you're looking for such resources, please e-mail me.