Day 5 of my worst ordeal ever. Surviving.

It has been a difficult day because the disappointment and betrayal is setting in. I feel as though i don't know how I will get through this.

H called today. We had another long talk on this. He has promised to make the call to her in front of me when he returns in 2 weeks. Also promised to let me know on any communication btwn them. He finally admitted she has also tried to reach him on google talk asking: XXXX are you there?

He seems to begin to understand that this will not just go away so easily, but I am afraid it is more to appease me, than true understanding. I know he has not yet really acknowledged the emotional dependency that exists btwn them. He tries to comfort me by saying that the last thing she said to him when he (supposedly) called was that she was sorry. Sorry for what? Who knows..He is trying to convince himself and me that she is reasonable, understanding, sympathetic (the very emotional needs that he was seeking). To me, it sounds like denial on his part.

I have decided to expose this to OWH but I want to see my therapist first (next week). I want to be able to sort through some of the pain, and figure out how to deal with this awful betrayal. My mind races back in time and I see the timeline of my life in the last 3 years completely tainted by this. There were 3 people in this marriage. How will I get through that? When was it going to stop?

I am very hurt. The crying has started at unexpected moments.

Thank you for all your continued support and advice. If there are any words that you can offer...

All the best of luck to all of you as well.

India

You could start your "to do" lists. One of them is a list of all e-mail accounts and passwords for them used by your husband. Also, access to any cell phone account he has, access to all credit card accounts, access to any instant messaging account--what is "google talk"?

Another list is your exposure list--names and phone numbers or e-mail addresses of people you need to expose this A to.

Another is a list of questions you have for him.

Also, start printing out the questionnaires from this web site--copies for you and your H for emotional needs, etc. Have them ready for the two of you to complete and date them when you complete them as I feel needs change as you go through recovery.

As long as he defends and protects her, he is wayward. You need to expose.

You can get through this just like all the other people here.
Lake

Google talk is another instant messaging/chat program within Google mail. I know she is on Yahoo and Google, probably others as well. I really don't think he will give me access to his accounts.

I have already started the lists with all my questions. At the top is WHY did you do this to me/us? Not sure if I will ever have that question answered, and that is what could haunt me forever.

I can't stand this insecurity. This mistrust, but the plain fact is...I don't trust that he is being completely truthful.

No, the "why" question is seldom really answered. We can know some of what led to the wayward letting down boundaries, where the frailties lie and we can change behaviors to guard against a re-occurrence.

You really don't think he will give you access to all of his accounts? What does he have to hide from you. What does he do that you cannot see, or know about?

I know that my FWH had a sense of entitlement to "privacy" while he was engaged in his EA. He kept that feeling for about an hour after I read his little cache of saved e-mails to and from OW. Since that time, he has been an open book. I still look at his work e-mail from time to time but he has moved all personal correspondence over to the one family e-mail account.

After he realized what he had done and how upsetting it was to me, he felt scared--keeping his private correspondence on family e-mail makes him feel more safe. He actually has little personal correspondence anyway--he is not very engaged outside of work and family/extended family. That is one reason why his EA was so shocking to me.

I think I know as much as I can about the why of his EA as we have looked at it from every angle. But I still find myself asking myself, "why?"

Take a good look at what you are saying, that you don't think he will give you access to his accounts. Do you have accounts that you will not let him see?

Lack of full disclosure equals need for full exposure ASAP.

Lake

Hello to all.
Today was the day. After another painful conversation w/ my H, I decided I would expose to OWH today. Looked for his tel number. I dialed and got his v.mail. ANd then I thought it would be best to see him in person. I want him to understand the gravity of what has gone on bwtn our significant others and see the hurt that it has caused in me, put a personal touch to this. I was afraid he could brush it off as a "paranoid wife" or just an anonymous call...
I drove to his office which happens to be just blocks from where we live. And asked for him at the front desk. Unfortunately he had gone. But I am decided to do it. Conquer the fear. Face the beast.
Although I didn't get to do it, it still empowered me to see that I was ready to do this for my M. That I was willing to endure the difficult times ahead of recovery.
I will not give up, and try again on Monday.

The conversation with my H, opened my eyes to the necessity of doing that. I faced him again with some hard questions, trying to sort out how deep this "connection" is. I asked him about a CD that he began to play a few months back in his car. A romantic CD, from a famous female singer that I had never heard my H say anything about. When I initially asked him about it months ago, he replied he had just picked it up from a store. Today I had a hunch about it. I asked him and he revealed that she had "loaned" it to him. That was another proof or the level of betrayal...she gave him a piece of her to always be reminded. Music is a personal thing to each of us, and it conveys feelings that we are sometimes afraid to speak aloud, but that are there. When we share it with someone we are sharing a part of ourselves.
Thoughts raced in my head, about them driving in his car and listening to that CD and forming that "bond." It is a level of betrayal I was not ready for.

This is where I am now. Left with an enormous amount of pain.

I know this is the beginning of a long road ahead. And I am turning to you with some questions:
My gut feeling tells me I should reveal to my H after I have disclosed to OWH, so he knows from me. What are you thoughts on this?

What happens after that? How should I handle the anger and threats that will come towards me. Any advice?
India

No, you don't need to fuel the fire by telling him what you did to expose. You should expose to more people than the OWH though. I am sure there are other people who could help you recover your marriage. You need more people looking at him and saying and thinking 'you did what??' When he finds out what you did, you just stay calm and tell him that you are doing what you need to do to save your M. You need do no more than expose and let him know what your boundaries are--access to all his passwords and accounts, etc. as well as NC with OW for life. After exposure, many BS's are advised to sit back and have a favorite drink or bite to eat. Remember, expose to more people than OWH.
Lake

Lake

Well one idea is simply to remain calm and tell him that you did it as the only way to save your M. You love him and don't want to lose him but you cannot have a third party in the M. Don't get in a fight. Let his anger find no target.

He will not be mad at you directly. He will be angry at the prospect of giving up his lover. He will be in a panic at that thought. Most of us experience some level of fear when faced with the unknown. Just remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong and exposing is certainly not wrong.

Remember taht you are trying to save your M while he is trying to wreck it. You don't have to defend your actions.

Thank you little fleas...
I will take your advice. THis is a lot bigger than I thought and I am just overcome by hurt at this point. It is deeper and more hurtful than I first envisonned. But I will fight. I will protect our M, in an attempt to rebuild 11 years that we have had together.
THanx for your wise advice. No fighting, I will remain silent and calm, he will find no resistance to channel his anger towards.
Thank you for helping all these people in need in this forum.
India

That's "little head lice" if you please. Fleas are "pulgas".

I know what you mean about being harder than you thought.

I can promise you one thing. You will make it through this. I know it doesn't seem that way so you'll just have to trust me.

I will.

I suggest you expose the affair to her husband as soon as you can. Your husband will be extremely angry - they all are. Just tell him calmly that you will do what it takes to protect your marriage.

Also ask your husband to write a no contact letter - the affair should not end over the phone. When he gets back, have him write one, and you approve and send it.

Here is what the Harley's suggest -

Dr. Harley’s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she’s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Think about how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. How would you react if OWH met you and told you about the A? Take your evidence but I doubt you'll need much. He probably suspects something as well. Now keep in mind that he may not care. Be prepared for anything but be adamant in your resolve. You don't have to defend yourself for anything. You've done nothing wrong and you are doning nothing wrong by exposing. He has every right to know what his wife is up to. No matter which way you stack it, if you want any hope of saving your M, exposure is necessary. And I have a feeling that, once exposed, your H will stop this A pretty quickly. From what you have posted, he is afraid of something. You have a lot more power than you realize IMHO.

Hi everyone,
This w/e has been tough, but I am seeing some hope for recovery. H has sent a NC letter to OW today (on email and copied me) following the example that you provided above. He has taken the first step towards rebuilding by attempting to show me that he is determined to end it.
I am a bit more hopeful, but cautious that this is the beginning and not the end.
I am still seeing my counsellor and hope to sort out through some of the pain and learn to correct our mistakes. It is a path that I have to embark on as well.
I firmly believe that all your advice continues to support me through this. I am grateful to all who took their time and their experiences to help.
I had never imagined that I could get so much help from "strangers." This site is invaluable and I will give back in kind.
India

DD: 06-03-07
NC call: 06-10-07
NC broken: 06-11-07
NC letter: 06-17-07
Status: Dealing

This will be a long, slow, painful process. But it can work. Did you ever expose to OWH? How did that go?

Hi Piojitos,
I went to see him on Friday. He was not there. I am unsure whether I should still do that. Not because of fear, because the very fact that I went, and saw that I was ready to do that proved to me that I have no fear. I want to trust in this.
India.

You need to read more on this site because the fact that you are saying you want to trust in this does not fit with anything you would read here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

What would you be trusting? That your H will not contact OW again? That he will rebuild with you? Remember that he is still in a fog regarding this EA. Also, remember that an A has characteristics similar to a narcotic or other addictive drug. He will be missing the high of the A and it may not be easy for him to go without it. Many BSs on this site have had their WS go back to the A and hide it from the BS. It is not that unusual. This was a long term EA, it won't be easy for your H to break away from it. The OW spouse knowing of the relationship will help to keep track of your H, as he will be keeping track of his wife to make sure she does not continue the EA with your H.

Also, the OW's H has a right to know what has been going on within his M. He has a right to make decisions based on full disclosure: to rebuild the M or to do otherwise. It should be his decision. You hold the information that he has a right to know.

Gather your evidence and expose to OW's husband as well as other individuals who can help you and your H get on the right track.

Remember, OW and your H had codes they used "A?", etc
Lake

I can promise you this is a huge mistake. Regardless of what your H does from this point forward, OWH has the right to know what his wife is up to and you have a moral obligation to tell him. In addition, you should in no way trust your H. He is lying to you to try to keep you from doing what he knows will destroy his A.

If you do not expose, you will regret it. It happens time after time. Expose the biatch for who she is. Give her H the dignity to decide how he wants to continue.

India,

My H had a 6 month long distance emotional affair with phone sex and plans for the future as soulmates. Never met the woman face to face.

On D-Day #1, he and I both spoke to her on the phone to say it was over. She asked my forgiveness, I gave it. Then I forgave my H and tried to trust him because he said he'd never do it again.

Check out my sig line......4 D-Days.....didn't find MB until a few weeks after #4.

Withdrawal bites. It sucks the life out of your trust.

Don't do it. Expose to OWH immediately yesterday. Avoid a sig line like mine. Realize you'll never be able to blindly trust your H again....ever. And you need 2 sets of eyes (one on each end) to effectively end contact.

For me I began starting to re-build trust and recover after we exposed to OWH over 6 months and 3 more D-Days after D-Day #1.

Please don't make the same mistakes knowingly that I made before finding MB.

Ace

India,

You may trust your WH. I personally think that is foolish given the situation you are in. You are still trying to bury your head in the sand hoping all this will magically disappear.

Maybe you can trust your WH. But I promise you that you cannot trust OW. If you leave her untouched, she will continue to chase your WH and he will give in. All waywards are weak. It is in their nature. That's how they become waywards to begin with.

There is no magic pill here. Failure to expose to OWH is the surest way to kill your marriage.

Just as new update, I wanted to post the newest events. After some clearer conversations with H. He offered to send the NC letter and BCC me. Today he has called me several times feeling v apologetic. He says what he has done is horrible and he is extremely disappointed in himself for having done this to me. When I asked him if she had replied, he paused and said yes. She called him several times on the cell phone as well, which he says he didn't answer. He says she replied saying that she didn't understand and felt awful it had to end like this. That she was sorry cos she felt she had caused him pain. One line really bothers me, she said to him that he "made her a better person". I find it audacious and a way to influence his feelings.
He answered her emails simply replying that she had to respect his choice. I know he may not be telling me everything, but he is being somewhat forthright about his communication w her.
She is pleading, I guess. She is in denial and despite my msg to her telling her to stop, she has the audacity to continue trying.
He says that he has blocked her from all communications (email accounts, etc).
I guess I am supposed to feel relief, but I am now plunging into the realization that all of this really happened. I am saddened and left w lots of questions as to why? Left with the lingering feelings that the last few months (maybe even years) of my life were not real. I am left with a feeling of fear, fear that I may not be able to ever trust again, or even whether I should trust now.
H wants to reconnect w me right away. He repeats that he is aware that this is a long process to recovery and that he will hang in there w me. Do all it takes. He says he is extremely sorry for what he has done. BUT I can't help my fear, my doubt, my hurt.
I am having trouble trying to rebuild any normalcy in our lives.
Anyway, if anybody wants to share thoughts or experiences I am ready to listen.
I know exposure is key, and I have exposed to a couple of my closest friends that I know are concerned for our M and will do all tey can to support & help. After I see the therapist and discuss w her, I will decide on exposure to OWH.
India