Having been looking at some of the threads here I thought it would be therapuetic for me to put into words the story of how I came to find myself on this site and to give everyone the details of my marriage breakdown. You will have to bear with me though as I suffer with carpal tunnel syndrome so cannot type too much at a time so I will have to write in installments!

It all started on Oct 17th last year, my H had been distant although at the time I hadn't really noticed as he has a very busy business and works all hours. Something made me ask him if he was still in love with me and if not I needed to know. He couldn't answer me and for the next couple of days we acted as if the question had never come up. Finally in the early hours of Oct 21st we were in bed (can't remember what we were talking about but it can't have been good!) when he finally said "I don't love you anymore and I haven't for years!".

Although I must have realised something was wrong, I had not thought that he had really fallen fell out of love with me as we hadn't had any major bust ups just the usual ups and downs of running a family, a home, a business and trying to fit everything into our lives but then thats all it takes isn't it? We stayed up most of the night talking about how we had grown apart and of course I asked him if there was anyone else which he strenuously denied. I believed him as I always knew where he was and if he wasn't at work then he was at home with me and our DD's.

By the end of the night (well morning!) we had decided to work on our marriage as we had just celebrated our 16th anniversary and our DD's happiness was paramount to both of us. His revelation made me realise what I had to lose and I spent the next 3 weeks being the best wife I could be as I knew that I had not always been perfect but then neither had he! Unfortunately though, I soon realised that it was all one sided and my efforts were not appreciated or reciprocated. Finally, 3 weeks exactly after he dropped his bombshell, he went out with a friend and didn't come home til 5am! I got up and asked where he had been but he was defensive and drunk so I left it. He didn't come to bed and fell asleep in our lounge. I crept in there at 9am and "borrowed" his phone where I discovered that he had placed a call to someone within minutes of getting home and that this was a female who I had never heard of.

I asked him who it was and got the "it's just a friend, I can't remember calling her" BS, but now that I had an idea there was someone else and he knew I wouldn't let it drop, he left that night after telling out DD's that he no longer loved mummy anymore but would always be there for them. He walked out with them running and screaming in the street behind him, shouting "Daddy, please don't go!" but he just carried on. I would never had believed that he could be so heartless!

I don't know how we got through that night I just remember telling our DD's that everything would be alright and that mummy will never leave. My 7yr old drew a picture of the 3 of us standing and crying outside our house while her dad stood in the distance with a smile on his face, this was obviously how she saw things and it broke my heart.

I immediately went into counselling with a highly recommended MC who had saved a relatives marriage, and also went to my GP who prescibed AD's and something to help me sleep but I was a mess for a long time.

During the first couple of weeks WH and I spoke on a few occassions but he was adamant there was nobody else involved and he wasn't sure if this was the end of our marriage or not. Eventually though he did tell me that he was seeing someone but there was nothing in it and it hadn't been going on during our marriage.

Christmas came and went in a blur but I tried to put on a brave face for our DD's and then New Year happened. My WH had our DD's at his mothers house where he was staying and called to say he would be dropping them off earlier than arranged. My womens intuition told me it was so he could spend NY eve with "her" so I confronted him and he admitted it and then had the gall to say that if I wanted he would take our DD's with him to meet the OW! I told him that would never happen and after that night our so far semi-friendly interactions stopped because I knew I needed to take a step back to save my own sanity!

In the meantime I carried on with counselling working to how I would improve myself for me as I no longer believed we would save our marriage. Thanks to my wonderful counsellor and doctor, I came out of the depression and got on with my life, making plans for the future and sorting out a social life. During this time I continued to have no contact with WH.

I have to stop now, wrists are aching! Will post again soon. Thx for your patience.

Who is OW and who knows about his affair? Also, are you getting financial support from him?

I am anxious to hear more.
God bless you! You have been through the fire.

Thx for your comments jmwc95 and wof5. I will endeavour to answer all questions as I carry on my story but if there is anything you wish to know please ask.

In the last conversation I had with WH it came out that he had met OW the previous June through work and that an email and tm affair had begun then although of course to WH it was just on a "as friends" basis. It also transpired that he had been out with OW on at least 1 other occassion whilst he was still at home but still he continued to swear on our childrens lives that he hadn't started the relationship till after he left home. This is one of the things that I find hard to forgive, how could he swear on the most precious things in our life knowing he was lying!

Anyway, I finally accepted an invitation to go out with a group of friends into the local town to go clubbing (something I hadn't done for a while) whilst DD's were with their dad. I had a wonderful night, seeing people I hadn;t since before DD and of course I had been on the infidelity diet and had lost loads of weight so I got compliments by the bucket load and I could feel my confidence coming back. Whilst I was out I received a tm from WH asking if I was home yet!? My friends all thought he was uncomfortable with me being out having a good time whereas before I had been home and not a problem. I replied that I was still out and having a great time thx and he followed that with a message saying he was glad I was enjoying myself but to be careful.

This was the first time he had shown any concern over my wellbeing for a long time and I thought it was a good sign that maybe he wasn't as hard hearted as he was pretending to be.

I'll just say at this point that I hadn't found MB then and didn't for many months, I wish I had but I'm here now. So, a couple of days later, WH dropped off our DD's and asked to come in for a chat. I was apprehensive but decided to let him in and he told me that he had not been able to sleep when I had been out and that he didn't like the feelings and thoughts that my enjoying myself had led him to have and he now realised some of what he had put me through! That's not all, he also said that I had blossomed since he had left, the grass hadn't turned out to be greener and that although he had thought he might be in love with OW he wasn't!

Of course this was good to hear but he was still in a relationship with her and wasn't ready to end it and I wasn't sure if it was just a case of "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you". I told him that I had proved to myself that I could live without him and it was unfair to lay this on me just as I'm getting my life together. He agreed he wasn't being fair and we decided to carry on as we were but with more contact and to try to be friends.

So, for the next few weeks instead of just dropping off DD's he would come in to talk about everyday things or to do stuff around the house and of course the kids were pleased that mummy and daddy were getting on again. He carried on tm me whenever I went out to ask when I would be home or to tell me he couldn't sleep but all the while still seeing OW. During this time I decorated my bedroom, worked on the house and made sure that everything was perfect whenever he was coming round (including myself!) and he often said that he missed the normality of being part of a family and how he liked the changes I'm made to myself and the home.

I knew that we were on unstable ground and that I couldn't take his words too seriously but it was hard not to get my hopes up that we could put this all behind us and work on our M. My counsellor said that I was doing everything right and that he didn't sound like a man who had definitely decided to end his marriage so she advised me to carry on but not to pressure him.

I have to take a break now but will be back later.

Our relationship continued to get better until it got to the point where we were flirting with each other whenever we were in contact and our emails started to get a bit saucy! He came round one sunday to put up a trampoline for our DD's and when he had finished we went into the kitchen where he pulled me into his arms and we kissed passionately.

For the next few weeks we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We both said that we felt like teenagers again and WH obviously wanted SF and so did I but I told him I didn't want to be the other woman in his life as he was still seeing her (with his families knowledge). WH said that he knew he had to make some decisions and to give him some time to think about.

Eventually SF did take place and I know not everyone agrees with this but he is my H not OW's so was I doing anything wrong. I certainly didn't feel guilty about it afterwards! A few days later he was looking after our DD's at my home when I was going out and it was then that he said that he regretted what had happened and thought that if we both had counselling and made some changes that we could make a go of our marriage. I was beyond happy and it was the icing on the cake when he decided to stay for the weekend as it was his weekend to have our DD's and he had nowhere to take then as his mother decided to go away for a week and lock him out, but that's another story!

During the weekend we spoke lots about the changes that we would need to make and about the future we could have together as a family and it was decided that on monday he would tell OW their A was over.

This he did but it soon became apparrent it was affecting him more than he thought it would. Now I know he was in W and it was at this point that I found MB and thank God I did! For the next few days we only had email contact and he would tell me how terrible he felt and he was back to no longer knowing what he wanted. I tried to be supportive and explained that his feelings were normal and likened it to an a addiction that he needed to stop cold turkey but to no avail. About 10 days after ending the A, my daughter tried to phone him but when he is in the village where OW lives the call cannot be connected and this was the message she got, so we knew he was with her.

I immediately emailed him saying that I knew where he had been and assumed that he had made his decision and that I hoped they would be very happy together!

WH emailed me 1st thing the next day and said I had obviously made my own mind up about things before speaking to him and that this was one of many reasons, (I assume for choosing her). WH also said that I "reeled him in good and proper and although I don't blame you 100% you knew what you were doing". Well, I was lost for words at first but then I got angry. He was obviously laying the blame at my feet but it definitely takes two to tango. WH also said we should have been strong enough to resist the temptation! I replied that I certainly hadn't set out to seduce him and that if he hadn't come to me telling me about his relationship and subsequent feelings I wouldn't have even considered a reconciliation. And as for saying that we should have been able to resist temptation I told him that he should have told himself and OW this before they started their A!

Lots of other stuff was said and when I replied I went through it point by point asking questions, making observations and stating things from my perspective. He has promised to answer each point but still has not 6 days later.

Well that's where I'm at now, in my email I told him that I was still willing to work on our marriage and that I was sure we could get over this so for now the ball is in his court.

Just to add that during all this WH has left all his belongings including clothes here despite me asking him to take them on several occasions, has paid all our bills and in his last email stated that it was too expensive and depressing to think about getting a divorce. All our friends and family know of the A but I think that he has told his family that he and OW didn't start seeing each other till after we separated. I have only seen my IL's once but my FIL is coming round soon to build a wall and I shall tell him the truth then. As for OW's family, she is divorced, her mother lives miles away and all I know about her is her name so I don't know who I can expose to on her side.

Well, this has turned out longer than I thought despite me just giving out the most memorable details (some of it seems like a distant nightmare now) but I would appreciate any comments and will amswer any questions on things I may have missed out.

Thanks for listening

tarnsy

Forgot to add that during his last drop off he talked about how we would have to talk about finances and that the fact that I won't let DD's meet OW needed to change. I reiterated that this would not happen and he didn't argue the point further. WH also restated that he wanted to be friends but I replied that he could have all of me, none of me but not just a part of me. He said OK!!

Would this be a good time to plan B although I'm not sure I'm ready or should I go back to plan A. I'm pretty sure that he is getting pressure from OW to meet our DD's so would it be a good idea to let her continue pushing the matter and therefore LB'ing while I continue to be a shelter from the storm?

Your thoughts pls

tanrsy,

Excellent interaction. Stick to your boundaries regarding introduction of OW. She is pushing WH to make this "legitimate" and you make it clear that legitimizing an adulterous affair that is destroying marriages and hurting children will NEVER be okay.

Stand strong.

wow
hopefully some of the other Plan B experts will chime in soon.
It does sound like you are ready for plan B at this point.
You certainly have done everything right up to this point!
Are you able to arrange for a telephone session with the Harleys?

the only other thing I can add - just be sure to maintain your calm, mature attitude. When he says "we need to talk finances" reply "I will only discuss marriage reconciliation. I do not discuss divroce."

That part about how you reeled him in good - I KNOW that those words came straight from the OW! She has read the book on stupid things to say.

I suspect that they all know better. the timing is just too close. They don't wnat to say anything to you - but they know better.

I am amazed at how well you have done, even before you came here.

I am trying to recall some of your details - your WH currently lives with his Mom? You mention that she left for a week and locked him out. What is that all about?

Who do you have on your support team?

Do you live in th UK?

I would do some investigative work to find OW's family and definitely expose to them. Then I would speak with an attorney (because I have no clue about the legal system in the UK), see if you can get a legal separation where he is legally obligated to give you money, and then go to plan B and cut off all contact with him. I expect that he will feel even worse than when he ended it with OW, and he will be back soon after.

H&P, I definitely will be sticking to my guns about the OW meeting DD's, it will be over my dead body and now that my eldest DD knows that her father and OW have been seeing each other longer than he had said she doesn't want to meet her! And I told WH this.

Thx for your comments WOF5, plan B is definitely worth some serious consideration. As for contacting the Harleys, I don't know if this is possible as I am in the UK and my finances are stretched to the limit at the mo as have just paid out loads of ££££ for DD's school trip!

As for my MIL kicking WH out of the house for a week this was supposedly b/c she thought the house would be more secure if she deadbolted the door before leaving and so leaving him unable to get in! Why she couldn't just leave him the other key I don't know! My opinion on why she did this (also WH's opinion) is that she didn't want our DD's to mess up her spotless house whilst she was not there! It is my belief (and many others) that she suffers from OCD as she really is over the top on cleanliness and once even made her son take his shoes off before walking up the garden path!!!

My support team consists of my parents, DD's, a few close friends and a couple of relatives. I haven't seen my counsellor for 3 months but she is on the end of a phone if I need her.

JMWC95, I have put her name in a search engine and came up with nothing. I know what she does for a living but not where and apart from asking WH I don't know how to find out anything about her. I have seen a solicitor back in Feb when I was sure I wanted a divorce and she said I could get him for adultery. I have to contact her next week anyway so I will ask then about legal separation.

Thx everyone for your kind words and support, it's good to know that people care especially strangers!

There are "ways" of finding these things if you are determined enough or willing to pay a little. This is your marriage and family we are talking about. Consider it an investment.

I will be leaving work early today, so I won't be able to check in with you again until tomorrow, but I wanted to share a few things that may help.
1. be sure to read Surviving An Affair (if you haven't all ready). it is SO helpful to read a book that covers all the stuff you are going though. It helped me a lot to be able to just sit and read and say "Ok, other people have been through it and survived, I will too"

2. Your WH's A will not last. period. I know that at times you feel a certain panic, and say "maybe this is the one A that will last. This one is different." But your WH is no different. And his OW is no different. she is doing everything she can to hold onto him now. Sit back, relax, and watch the whole thing unfold. she has followed the exact script. But he has all ready admitted that he misses his family! He misses how much easier it was when he had a home, a wife, two kids who were not mad at him. His life is way too complicated right now - and it will not get any easier. You need to be the shining light. The mature one, who doesn't yell or scream, doesn't make demands. You will continue to say "I love you, I believe in you, we can have a great marriage, but first you have to get rid of OW. When she is gone, please let me know, so we can start building a better M." Do not say bad things about OW - do not call her names. Just continue to be the only calm person in this whole ugly mess.

In some ways, it is good that he has slipped back into the fog, and he is really going through the whole A experience. He needs to be able to fianlly see OW for what she is. It would be good for him to see all her faults - all her warts. That way, he can never say "I wonder what my life would have been like with her" He is seeing right now what it would be like. Let him have the full picture.

His A will not last. The important question for you is - can you hang on? Can you hold onto your love for him long enough?

WOF5, I will be ordering SAA next week when money has cleared at the bank and I'm sure it will help, so many other people here have recommended it so it must be good!

It does seem strange that all these A's are the same, I have read lots of similar stories on this board about the stupid things that come out of WS's mouths and how they all act the same.

WH life is definitely much more complicated now and he likes routine in his life so I don't know how long he'll be able to do all this running around between 3 women (if you include his mother!) trying to keep everyone happy. His mother is not the sort of person to keep her mouth shut if something, however minor, upsets her and she can be very demanding. WH has said that OW is not happy that she is not allowed to meet our DD's so hopefully she is making a fuss about this (poor c*w). Meanwhile, I shall be calm and serene and make the family home an inviting place to be.

As for how long I can hold onto my love for him, well, it shows no sign of abating yet and I can't envisage not loving him but who knows what the future holds, I suppose it depends how long this goes on for and how many times my heart can stand being broken. I can only say that I never realised how much I truly loved him until this as I never thought I could forgive an A. I have surprised myself!

WH came by this morning to drop off some money for DD's school trip and the first thing he said was "Oh, have you been sunbathing?", this is not something he would normally hav noticed. He gave me the money and I told him how much I appreciated it and we said goodbye. Within 5 seconds of me closing the door, he knocked again, this time to confirm the time he was coming to pick up DD for her trip to France. We said goodbye again and as he was halfway down the path he turned back and said "just to let you know it's all kicked off at my mums". Of course I asked him to explain so he spent the next few minutes outlining what had happened before saying that he has to go as he is really busy and he will tell me the rest tomorrow.

Tarnsy,

You have done an incredible job!

Have you tried inserting a vehicle tracking device (costs less than a PI) in your husband's car? This is how you can find out where the OW lives. Once you have her address, you may get better results when searching her name online. With more information, you can EXPOSE the affair, making the fantasy less desirable for your husband.

Thx for your suggestion Observing but I don't think this will be possible as WH drives a company car that he shares with his brother and as it is only ever outside my house when he collects DD's I don't have access to it.

I don't see how I can find out anything about OW/OW's family without asking WH! I don't have a car so can't drive to village where she lives and I don't know anyone apart from WH and IL's who know her!

Do you guys have PIs in England?

Jim, yeah we do PI's here and have found out there is one very near to where I live so shall keep them in mind. A friend has said I can have use of her car so may take the opportunity to do some digging myself!

Question for you all. WH has offered to take me to a dental surgery appointment I have this week which is a 30 minute drive away. I don't really have anyone else to take me so should I accept and if I do should I bring up the fact that he hasn't replied to email I sent (as mentioned in 3rd post of this thread) or keep the conversation away from R talk?

Ask your BIL for assistance on identifying the OW.

L.

I know OW's name and village she lives in and a friend of a friend lives in same village so hopefully will be able to get some info from her.

Can't ask BIL as his loyalties lie with WH (they are very close) and he knew of A before me and even went out with WH and OW before WH left home so don't think he'd tell me anything. Plus he has also just separated from his W so I think it would be a case of "all boys sticking together".