I don't really know what to think about him going to see a psychic. WH has never really believed in that sort of thing so for him to go he has to be feeling confused imo. I think maybe he wants someone to tell him what to do next as he doesn't like having to take the responsibility for what he has done. He is normally very responsible but WH obviously didn't do the responsible thing so this sitch doesn't sit easily with him and probably plays on his conscience.

Finally sorted out what benefits I'm going to get altho I don't know the amounts yet. As soon as I know how much I'm going to get then I can start discussions with WH about how much he should be paying towards DD's. So I'm getting things sorted for plan B.

WH came round today to see DD's and altho he wasn't unfriendly, he didn't hang around and didn't really talk to me. How is it that one day WH is almost H again and being nice and the next he is cool and aloof? It's confusing to say the least, it makes it hard to know how to deal with him as I don't know who he is going to be from one day to the next!

I do not really understand this either. It is very typical.
but I think that in reality, the cool and aloof attitude is probably a better "sign". it means he is struggling, stressed, guilty, not sleeping, etc.

when he is nice and friendly, I think that he is probably feeling content with himself, and the way things are. And that is a bad thing. he should not feel content to live with another woman, seperated from his family.

I would also suggest, when you say that he is almost H again, in reality, as long as he lives with her - he is still in the fog, the addiction. And he is not H again - yet. So during those times when he is friendly, there is likely some other explanation. I don't say that to make you worry - I say that more to make you cautious, so that the changes in behavior are not so hard to predict.

Remember, plan B will help you to preserve the last remaining love you have for him. As you can see, when he comes around acting aloof, and cool, it chips away at your love for him,and makes you feel like telling him to just go away and leave you alone. So watch for that. you do not want to lose that last of your love bank.

I remember that when my WxH was nice to me, I would start to get worried, because I always knew that if he was nice to me one day, that he would follow it up with some big blow up the next day that would leave me crying. I think that when things are going well, and they start to feel their romantic feelings return for you, it scares them, and they start to freak out. So if your WH has gone back to being a brat, then it is a good sign that he is conflicted.

Tarnsy

I agree 100% with WOF5's comments. I know from experience with WH -- when he was in a good mood, it usually meant he was in contact with OMW while still living with me (ie cake-eating)! When he was cold or distant, it was an indication that he was struggling with his situation because he was not having contact with her (or maybe he was just pouting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!)

WH took me to my hosp appt this morning and the subject of DD's staying over came up again (truce didn't last long!). OW is going away to visit her mother next weekend so WH asked if it would be OK for DD's to stay over. Told him I haven't changed my mind and I don't want our DD's shunting from one house to another but he is more than welcome to stick to previously arranged schedule.

WH is still in denial that his A started before he left home. I asked him to at least respect me enough to tell the truth but he still can't see that emails and texts constitute an EA. He brought up the subject of money and I told him that if he has any queries he should speak to my solicitor, he said fine, I replied "I don't talk divorce, I only talk marriage reconciliation". He said "I don't talk divorce either" to which I replied "yes but you don't talk marriage reconciliation do you". He had no response for that

Found out from a friend yesterday that WH and OW were seen in the local shops where I go 2/3 times a week. I emailed WH that I knew this and respectfully asked him not to go there with her again as this is my safe area and I don't need to be wondering if I'm going to bump into the "2" of them. They don't live around here and there are plenty of shops near them they can go to without fear of bumping into me so I just asked him to show me the same courtesy. Told him he'd end up with a wife with a criminal record if I saw them lol!

Wh replied saying that he heard what I was saying about the shop so hopefully I will not be put in the position of turning into the fruit and veg aisle and instead finding myself at the "cheap tart" counter!

well done
Honestly, he is very lucky to have you.

this comment is very interesting:


I don't think this man can see himself as a "divorced man". I think that is a very good thing. Your Plan B is going to be very effective.

You are really doing a great job at setting your boundaries:


this is just perfect.
I wonder why they would go to a shop where they could likely bump into you? Perhaps the OW is hoping to bump into you? wants you to know that they really are a "couple". I remember once when my WxH's OW called me on the phone to say "Look, WH and I are now 'WH and OW'. you two are no longer a couple. we are. So get over it". I was horrifed!. I told her to never talk to ME about MY H in that manner again. If she had something to say - she should say it to her BF, but she was not welcome to call me.
I never quite figured out what her purpose was - other than trying to establish her teritory. Like a Dog when he pees on a bush!

I also remember some of the postings from "Lostva". her WH moved in with his OW in another town 1 hour away, and yet he brought her to the same Dr that Lostva went to - shopping at the same stores. he was an hour away! I wonder if the WH is just trying so hard to re-gain some type of familiar territory. Very intersting.

Hi WOF,

I hope you are right about WH not being able to see himself as a divorced man, this is what I think as well. He has said several times that he doesn't want a divorce but does he expect us to stay like this forever, still married but living separate lives?

Thx for saying that I'm doing a great job. It's only because of all the wonderful advice I'm getting here. I couldn't believe it when a friend said she had seen them in my local shop, I didn't think they'd have the nerve especially as WH knows that I know several of the staff and they all know that he left me for OW. I think your theory that the OW was hoping to "bump" into me is probably correct. Is it not enough that they steal your husband, try to push themselves onto your children that they then have to try to invade your home territory? This really is a war isn't it?

You really need to find out more about this OW. I think you will be surprised at what you find out.

Right now, I suspect that you have a little bit of a fear of the unknown. Surely she must be prettier, skinnier, whiter teeth, well educated, speak several languages, good at sports, gourmet cook, etc. After all, if you WH would abandon his wife and children, she must be simething really special.

But I promise you - she is not that special. After all, she couldn't "get a man" on her own. She had to go after a married man, who was feeling vulernable, and perhaps a little depressed. She fed into his every insecurity. figured out all the right things to say, and built up his ego. That is how the addiction first starts - she says all the right things, he feels good about himself, and he is hooked on her jsut like a crack addict.

I think (I hope) that it would be helpful to you to find out that she is nothing special. We all ready know that she has serious issues with her own insecurity - why else would she go after a married man?

this board is full of posts from BW's who were shocked to discover that the OW was fatter, not as attractive, etc.
And at first, it is shocking. you wonder why. Why her.

But I think that is part of the attraction for a WH. She looks up to him, she thinks he is a great catch, she flatters him all the time.

You need to find out a little bit more about this OW. I have a feeling it will surprise you.

It is DD's 8th birthday today. I asked her last night what she thought she would get for her birthday and she said "Well I'm hoping for Daddy to come home but I'm not expecting it". She nearly reduced me to tears! Didn't really know what to say except that I understand and that I wish I could give her that but I can't.

WH came by this morning b4 school to say happy birthday and will be round later to see her. He at least had the decency to have a tear in his eye as he read her cards. I don't think I could live with myself if I missed one of my DD's opening their presents and not see their smiles of delight. He knows what he is missing but it makes no diffference.

We are having a party on Saturday and WH is attending that even though it's not his weekend to see them. I have been feeling a little down today but I know it's only because it's DD's birthday and we always made a fuss of making it a special day and this year he is not here to share it with us.

Neaks Thread


You need to read this thread - I think your WH sounds very similar to this one

Thx for the thread link WOF, I have read it and can see similarities but wonder if my WH is more entrenched in his A as he and the OW are living together. This is going to make any attempts at recovery more difficult imvho. Is there a thread that carrys on from where this one left off, I'm eager to learn more of Neaks story.

Have just spent 3hrs with WH at DD's birthday party and managed to keep things light and chatty until we got home. I probably LB'd by asking how things were in "Affair land", he didn't answer at first but I said I was just trying to be polite as he was the one who wanted to be friends. After a while he said "not too bad, what about you?". I replied "I'm fine but I don't live in affair land, I live in reality". It's just so hard to spend time with him when I just want to hold him and tell him I love him. Knowing that he leaves his family to go back to OW is getting too much for me to handle

Forgot to say, at DD's party one of the children went up to WH and asked "Who do you love?" WH replied "myself". He was then asked "who's your girlfriend?", WH didn't answer. Next question was "who's your wife?", WH pointed to me. Had to excuse myself and leave the room at this point as I thought I might cry but managed to hold the tears in. Out of the mouths of babes eh?!

sorry that I didn't get a chance to post sooner!
there is another thread - I will go back and find the link for you. it is titled something like "a few things can make it through the fog"

I know there are some differences in your situation - her WH did not move in with OW. But that is not a bad thing for you - your WH is getting the full OW experience,and there is no way that it is going well. Think about it. he is living in an aprtment - with very little of his own stuff. No daughters - none of the comforts of home. There is a certain comfort that comes with being surrounded by your own "things". The towels he has used for years, the blankets, the chairs. all of that represents home.

What is interesting to me - is that your WH is not disconnected from you, or your M. He does not talk D - most WH are ancious to get a D so they can "start all over". he brings you ice cream. what would OW say if she knew about that?
I am not sure why he is haning onto her - I suspect that he feels sorry for her. But pity is never a good foudnation for a R.

he still wants to see you - talk to you - have a R with you. he does not want to give all that up. A good, strong, Plan B will show him what life will be like, if he continues down this path.

Hi WOF,

It does seem that WH wants to keep me in his life even if only on the ouside and Plan B will definitely show him how things will be without me.

On Sunday, WH picked up eldest DD from a party and brought her home and then enquired about DD8 last night at Girls Brigade the following day. Told him it was a family night and he said why don't I go to. As I was due to have dental surgery that morning I said I probably wouldn't be up to it. As it turned out surgery wasn't too bad so when he picked DD's up he said again to go with them. DD8 wanted me to go so I did.

Whilst in the car on the return journey he had a slip of the tongue and called me darling (as we used to call each other) and then said "whoops I mean tarnsy." I looked at him, he looked at me, I turned away. He looked at me again with an expression that kind of said "What?" He didn't look like someone who had made a mistake, who was embarrassed at saying the wrong thing.

Due to the surgery I decided to give up smoking as I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to smoke with open wounds in my mouth! Told WH this and he TM 3 times this morning to see how I was getting on and said he was proud of me. It's difficult but am using patches to help so the cravings aren't as bad as I thought they would be! Sometimes on this rollercoaster ride cigarettes have been my crutch to get through this so it will be interesting to see how I manage without them! Wish me luck!

this is REALLY good news!

for your own health, for the girls, and also for your M.

Does WH smoke????

WH used to be a serious weed smoker until new year. He gave up for her but wouldn't for me! OW doesn't approve of smoking but WH still smokes tobacco although not a lot. Don't know how he gets rounds this at her house!

Aha.Huge love buster from her. I suspect he goes outside to smoke, but when he walks back into the apartment, she sitll smells it. Not good for their A.

One of the things that you want to do right now, is show WH that you are moving forward with your life, making positive changes, with or without him. Stopping smoking will be huge for you. That is one of the biggest positive changes you can make. And he is clearly trying to support that effort. Keep up the good work - this is going to be huge for you.

I must express a slight concern regarding his use of marijuana right up to the time of his A.It is possible that he has traded one addiction (weed) for another (OW). I pray that he is able to give up both addictions and not just substitute for a third.

Yeah, addictive personalities seem to be rife in WH family, his brother is an alcoholic, and it seem that WH is becoming a workaholic or at least he's always telling me he is working evenings and weekends. Of course I know this may not be true but WH has always been a hard worker and as he now runs his own business it is even more important that he puts in extra hours.

I do hope that OW is LBing on the smoking, but worry that WH will just do whatever OW wants and asks of him. We all remember how we act when in a new relationship and will do anything to make the other person happy, I just hope WH is getting to the end of this honeymoon period and starts seeing things as they really are altho I don't hold out much hope for that happening for a while.

Not a lot to report the last few days. WH has sent a few texts in support of my giving up smoking, I have replied and have been putting kisses at the end of my messages. WH has not commented on this so I will continue. At least he hasn't told me not to lol!

I received an email today re the weekend arrangements as it his turn to have the girls.

"I will pick the girls up after f1 quaily, but I will check time first, if it finishers too late then I will come and get the girls earlier, about 1.

I will keep them until early evening, I would love to cook for them, but alas you won’t let them come over. I will feed them out.

Can you get their swimming stuff ready, just in case we go swimming?

I hope to watch the race on Sunday 12-3pm. *** is coming over to watch it with me, the girls are welcome but I know you will not allow that!

I did not if you remember agree to your schedule but said I would have the girls as often as possible or as often as you allow me!

I still respect the fact that you will not let them stay over, but I don’t like it and the longer it goes on the more I dislike it!



What do you have planed for the weekend?"

Here is my reply:

"I'm sorry that you still don't like fact that the girls will not be staying over at the OWs house. I know it is hard but it is something that is not going to change and you will have to get used to. I still don't like the fact that you live with an OW but that is something I am having to get used to so I know how you feel. You know what you can do to rectify the situation, there is still a place for you here, for the time being.

I will get their swimming things ready but don't forget that DD8 has a party to go to as mentioned in my previous email.

Hope you have a good time watching the GP.

love t"

Obviously will see WH tomorrow and will continue to plan A as much as it is possible in the short time he is here. Do you have any advice WOF? I really appreciate your support during all this as I think my most of my friends and family are of the mind that I should just forget about WH and move on.

Thx Tarnsy

What an [censored]! He dislikes it the more this goes on. What nerve! I never cease to be amazed at these waywards when in the midst of their fantasy land excursions.

H&P,

Hopefully if he continues to dislike it then it will make him think about the consequences of his actions and maybe cause some LBing between him and OW! WH had previously stated that he understood why I won't let DD's meet OW so it might be that WH and OW disagree. What a shame!!

Am of the mind that PBL time is coming soon. I am finding it difficult to do the plan A stuff at the mo as it is so hard to be near him when I know he has been with OW. I forget that I am his wife and feel more and more like a stranger and it's not a good feeling.

I don't have any great suggestions. Basically, you just need time to pass. Their R will never last. I know that is hard to belive at this point - but it is the truth. if you can somehow convince yourself of that, and then go about your own live, not worrying about him, you will be better off. I know, hard to do.
At this point - you will become your own worst enemy. the more details you hear about him, and her, the more anger you will feel, and the more disgust. And then, when the A finally does end, you won't care anymore. For those of us who end up divorced on this baord - it is not because our WS moved on to a better life. it is because we became so disgusted with their immoral behavior that we finally couldn't stand the sight of them.

My WxH is married to OW#2 (we were divorced when he started seeing her, but she was not. For months she went back and forth bewteen her H and WxH). I am quite certain that my wxH is not "truly happy", becuase frankly, he was never willing to work at it. I once commented that "M is a lot of work, and we both needed to be ready to commit to that" and his response was "Well, it shouldn't be a lot of work. And if it is a lot of work, that just means you are with the wrong person. It would never be hard with OW#1!"

I think that was one of the final moments for me - that helped me file for D. That is when I figured he was just too stupid to ever build a better M. he was destined to fail again.

So the question for you is this: Can you seperate yourself from the stupid things he says right now? Because some words stay with you for years, and continue to ring in your ears. If you can not seperate yourself from his stupid comments - then I would suggest plan B.

You will hear a lot about what plan B "is" and "is not". There is a lot to it. But one thing it will do is seperate yoruself from hearing anymore of his crap. Becuase time needs to pass. And it will pass. And as it passes, the OW and he will grow weary of each other. it happens ALL THE TIME. no matter how much they have tried to combine their lives together - this A will end. And frankly, most end with a lot of money paid out. large cell phone bills. a lease signed for their love nest, that needs a large check to get out of it. Dinners out togheter, charged to a credit card, in order to try to save their dying R. All of this stuff adds up. And still - they will fail.

Your biggest concern right now should be - can you hang onto your love for him?