My take, for what it's worth. I would give him a last blast of REALLY showing him those things about yourself you have pointed out in the letter you have changed. Try to find some opportunities int eh next week to REALLY show him. Then move to Plan B. But you have a better idea about this...

Ask yourself this...if your anniversary comes and he ignores it, how much will your love bank deplete, and can you take it?

Great Plan B letter BTW, and I rarely say that...

forget about the heart felt anniversary card. you would spend the next two weeks carefully choosing the right card, planning what to write in it, searching for just the right words to say that would remind him of your lovely wedding, and the love you shared.
but he would look at the card, read it, and say to himself "yeah, we did love each other once. But I don't feel the same way right now. And I am not sure if I ever will love her that way again. it may be best to file for the D, so she will quit sending me cards"

You have done a great plan A. He has a great picture in his mind of how his life could be with you. Now is the time to show him what his life will be like if he continues with OW. He needs to see that he would not be able to just stop by for a cup of tea and a chat when he feels like it. He needs to realize that you would not be sitting with him at DD's weddings. He needs to fully understand that if he does not get rid of OW for good, and quit showing a complete lack of respect for you and your marraige, then he is going to end up stuck with OW full time, with no one else to chat with.

Tarnsy - the man is stomping all over your marriage, and your wedding anniversary. Do not reward his bad behavior with a card.

Your plan B will scare him into understanding that even if he does not love you "that way" anymore, he had better figure out how to bring that love back! and fast!

Still,

I will have a few chances to plan A over the weekend when WH picks up DD's so will treat him like royalty as previously suggested and give him plenty of admiration. I will also tell him about my plans to become a dancing instructor as I know that one of his EN's is financial support.

You are right that not receiving a card from WH would deplete my love bank further but I know not to expect anything from him. I will not give in to the desire to send one.

Thanx for your kind words on my PBL.

WOF,

Everything you said is true. I am so grateful that you take the time to give me another perspective on things. You are right, he does not deserve a card from me.

Treat the WS like royalty? Why? Why add to the Ws' fantasy? They already think they are king.

Treat your H like royalty? No.... he is your partner, not your king.

IMHO, your plan A is to show you personal improvements. You should make him drool over you not you serve him. As for your work, let him know. He may scoff. Don't get disappointed. Instead expect the WS to fuss about anything good you do. That's when you know the WS is present and you need to alter your tactic accordingly. If he seems supportive on your career choice or at least tries to give you valuable feedback, then that's your H talking.

Prepare for the worst.

JMHO,
L.

L.

Orchid,

So much advice, so many opinions, it's hard to know what to do for the best.

As for treating WH as royalty (maybe this is the wrong word) then I agree with you but I feel that H is around more these days and it is him I will treat accordingly. He has seen my personal improvements and acknowledged them.

I do not "serve" him, but one of WH's EN's (maybe the top 1) is admiration and to me this includes respect and is probably something I haven't shown him for some time. I believe for my plan A to be effective I need to show him that I respect the man he USED TO BE, the father he WAS and the businessman he continues to be.

If WH turns up at the door rather than H then obviously I won't show respect for the person he is now but if it is H then I will take the opportunity to fulfill this EN of his before plan B.

Tarnsy

Admiration is often a HUGE need for men, and often overlooked by wives -- simply because we never seem to get it in return, and often don't need it as much as they do.

However, OW is cooing and awwing over every thing he does.

So -- be sure to meet this need!

An easy way to do it is to ask him for help with some chore around the house. Then show sincere appreciation and admiration for the job he does.
Maybe something as simple as lifting or moving something heavy for you. Then say "thank you, it would have taken me 4x's as long to get that done!" or "oh Thank You, that space looks so much better now!"

As far as your plans for work...likely he will think "oh sure NOW she does it, when its too late!" or "yeah sure she will..." He is highly suspicious of you -- he may not believe you will really follow through, or he will think its too late.
I'm not telling you not to tell him -- just preparing you that you won't get any appreciation for your statement.
You will get more respect for DOING IT, rather than SAYING you wil do it. Get the difference?

If he's coming by -- make sure the house looks good, you look good. Maybe have a favorite treat prepared (cookies?)
Be in a great mood -- happy, make him laugh, flirt.

The idea is to be someone he wants to spend time with. To make those times he's there -- happy! So that he has more fun being with you than anyone else. Attract him the same way you did so many years ago.

Lexxxy,

Thankyou for your comments.

Admiration definitely got overlooked in our marriage, that's why I always try to say at least 1 one thing whenever I speak to WH to show him that I admire something, whether it be his success in his job or fixing the bin! (which he did the other day!)

As for my plans for a new job, WH is picking me and DD8 up from the dancing school on sat so will make sure that I get lots of info and hopefully a start date for when I begin training. I can't wait to start!

I always try to make sure that the house and I look good when WH is due and do my best to show him that I am in a good place.

Have had 8 emails from WH today, mostly about a favourite musician of ours and reminiscing about the concerts we went to together. It was good to talk about stuff from the past and only relive good memories!

The last line of the final email said "I am off to ******* for the morning, I’ll drop you a line once I am back if you like". The "if you like" bit resonated something to me but I don't know what. Replied that I'd like that as I enjoy hearing from him.

Make up for some of the past, you can even include a few..."I never told you, you look great in jeans..." or "I never told you enough how much I appreciated..." It helps cut through that revisionist history he lays on in his mind...

Thx Still,

took your advice and paid WH a compliment about the colour of his shirt and how good he looks in blue! This made WH laugh!

After chatting with H (not WH) I asked him if he was happy. He said that he can't answer that as he doesn't want to incriminate himself! Then he said he was joking, I think because this is what he used to say before our false recovery whenever I asked him a question. Then he said that to be honest, he doesn't have the time to think about whether he is happy or nor as he is busy at work and running around trying to keep everyone else happy.

I told him that this is what he has always done and that his happiness gets overlooked and he agreed! I then told him I want to make him happy and he said "I know".

To me, it doesn't sound as if everything is as rosy in A land as us BS's are inclined to believe. I just wish I knew what was going on in his fogged out brain. I mean, how can anyone leave their children and their spouse to shack up with someone of no morals and even when they can see that the BS has done their best to become the person that the WS said that they wanted them to be they still hold on to the OP?

Sorry for venting but I'm just so mad at the moment. I think I'm on a slippery slope as it's what would have been our anniversary in 13 days and it scares the h3ll out of me. Plus I just spoke to WH on the phone and could hear OW in the background. AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

U R right about A land NOT being all fun and games.

As for hearing the OW in the background, OW in our case made sure I heard her 'moaning'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> My reaction? I asked him if she was hard of hearing!!! That's what the WS had told me, so I spoke even louder. LOL!!! Boy....what shock does to a person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In regards the slippery slope, u r right. Now get firmly planted because the OW wants to rock your world and it isn't in a nice way. Be prepared for boulders t/b cast your way.

Is there a way off that slippery slope? You bet!!

L.

L.

Hi Orchid,

thx for the words of encouragement.

I'm assuming that the way off the slippery slope is plan B. I was supposed to be seeing one half of my intermediary couple at the weekend but she had to cancel and we are now trying to juggle our schedules to arrange a time to meet this week. Hopefully then we can get plan B underway and I might achieve some relative peace altho the thought of not seeing H tears me apart.

TBH, I don't think WH is very happy. To me if you're happy then you shouldn't need to think about it, you just are.

What sort of things do you think OW is going to do to rock my world, like she hasn't done enough already! What should I prepare for? Forewarned is forearmed!

Hi Tarnsy,

Just checking in with you to let you know, I'm still here pulling and praying for you.

Who

Thx Who,

I can't tell you how much it means to know that there are people like you, WOF, Still, Orchid and many others, out there reaching out to complete strangers and giving their support and guidance when we need it most.

thx again.

Wh has just left.

He arrived here late because of meetings he had to attend so didn't take DD's out and stayed here with them.

I find that difficult. Having him in the family home as if we are one big happy family and knowing that he'll be leaving to go be with the ho is too much to bear.

Knowing that plan B is around corner helps but I'm afraid that didn't stop me from telling WH that I'm finding it hard to deal with seeing him and that I think it would be best for me if we had no contact.

He wanted to know how we would deal with arrangements for DD's so I said we just have to stick to the schedule I already gave him.

I also told him that it's only to help me stop feeling the pain I feel whenever he leaves and that I was only telling him because one of the things I have been working for my self improvement was to only say the things I mean and to mean what I say.

I referred back to yesterdays convo when I asked him if he was happy and he said that he had to think about it. I said that to me you shouldn't need to think about whether you are or not and that he didn't seem happy to me. He replied "would you rather I came round here ecstatically happy then?"

I didn't know what to say to that! I asked him again if he is happy but he wouldn't answer, just said see you tomoro.

How do I come back from this? I'm having horrible thoughts that I've ruined any chance I had of recovering our M and wondering if it's worth all the pain.

Tarnsey

Come back from what?
I don't understand what you did that ruined your chance at recovery. If you are referring to your question about whether or not he is happy - that was no big deal.
If you are going to have a M in the future - you will need to be able to ask him questions.

And please remember that there is no one action, or comment, that you can make that would have the power to make or break your R. Tarnsy - you are not that powerful!

I think you are starting to see the value of plan B. If you continue to talk to this WH, and see him, you WILL lose all love for him. you will grow disgusted with him. You need to protect yourself.

and by the way - I used to laugh when I could hear OW in the back ground. Trust me - it bothers her a lot more than it bothers you. She is terrifed when he talks to you. If you get the chance to talk to him again, before plan B - drag the conversation on as long as possible. it will cause a certain fight between the two of them.

Perhaps I over reacted a little. It was the way that he said "so it would be better for you if I came round here ecstatically happy would it?" Perhaps I've read him all wrong and he is happy beyond his wildest dreams and he's right, I don't want to know that.

DD13 overheard our convo last night and she shouted out "why don't you just give mum an answer". Even she is of the mind that her dad is not happy, she said if he can't say yes straight away then he obviously isn't.

Received this email from WH this morning:

"Look, you have to say what’s on your mind, I understand that. I also understand to a degree how frustrating it must be feeling how you do and then saying good bye to me each time I call round.

I also think it is very important that we try to get on not only for us but the girls too.

We can talk some more tonight"

I'm beginning to feel why the h3ll should I try to get on with him when everything he has done since he met the OW has done nothing but driven a wedge between us.

Will be contacting my intermediary today so that we can finalise our arrangements for plan B.

Will update later.

Tell him....demand he be ecstatic when he is around you, otherwise you can't believe was worth throwing his family away for. That's what I told my WS. I told him that happiness was important to me and our family wasn't happy because of his A so he had better be! Boy you should have seen his face change shapes. He couldn't smile, he couldn't cry, he couldn't get mad! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> The mothership lost connection with him for a while and I had found my way to gain control.

Give him an order he couldn't do. Be Happy!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />pft: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The WS in him refused to do as I demanded and the WS in him knew that meant the A couldn't be happy. HA!! That threw their A into a tailspin. Imagine the WS w/the OW.....every time he smiled or tried to laugh, he saw my face demanding he be happy. Nearly drove him nuts!!! That's was the plan!

L.

Thx Orchid,

thats great advice. I'll do my best to get that in before plan B starts.

I am getting together with my intermediary tomoro evening and then I won't see WH till next week when everything should be in place so that I can hand him the letter. I figure hand written is better so that he can refer to it again and again and have to hide it from the OW!!lol

Well, WH didn't come in for the talk that he said we would have last night but I didn't think he would so no surprise there.

He sent me this email this morning:

"I don’t know if sorry is the right word, but I‘ll say it anyway. Sorry for not staying for a cuppa last night, two reasons for not, firstly it was later then I normally bring the girls home and second your comments on Sunday. I know you sent an email saying not to worry about what you said as I left, but I can’t just forget it just like that.

I know you think I am a troubled 40 year old in crisis Tarnsy but I am not, I don’t think for minute I am. To help me understand me more and to get a few answers I have made the appointment with the medium.

Its not until the 11th of sept, but that’s not too long to wait. When I phoned she said hello ****** I have been expecting your call, HOW SPOOKY IS THAT !!!!!!!"

All I can do is hope that the medium tells him that he has made a huge mistake in leaving his family and that he needs to put it right.

Medium? Spooky? Seems to me she has caller ID and probably says that to everyone who calls her so that they believe what she dishes out....Maybe you should call the Medium and let her know what's going on and ask for her help!

Well Tarnsy, if he isn't in crisis then he has lost his mind. His e-mail is wacko to say the least.

Between the 'firstly' and 'I know you think I am a troubled 40 year old in crisis Tarnsy but I am not, I don’t think for minute I am. To help me understand me more and to get a few answers I have made the appointment with the medium.'.... well he sounds a bit whacked out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

So let's RB him....

BS: So WS, you say you are not a troubled 40 year old. What would you call someone who has difficulty writing coherent e-mails, abusing and abandoning their family, acting weird and crazy...that's just the beginning of this nut and his antics.... what would you call a guy like that? If he isn't troubled, he s/b because he is not acting like a sane kind of guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yea....play back his own words. Let him know you are not buying his illogic. Then ask him if he does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I used this on mine, it worked! Took a while though....gotta be patient! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.