Aphaeresis - as I indicated in my last post, I am done here.

One last parting "shot," or attempt to help you, but I have no confidence that it will hit the mark, or even nick the defensive wall you have erected. Regardless, here is the part you really need some "quiet time" to reflect upon.




You don't really want to do this. You only want to do what you can control. That's a major problem that is going to be a major "stumbling block," and it's not likely to change.

I tried to address this a little in asking you questions about Secular Humanism and what came out was all your "fangs" and "hatred" for Christianity and all "religions" as being for the "weak minded." Secular Humanism puts YOU "in control." That is the problem in a nutshell. It's a false sense of security because there are only some things that an individual can control, and they are ALL limited to just themselves. Your "lack of control" in that area has been well demonstrated, regardless of your "wish," even your "sincere desire," to NOW be something other than an adulteress. Yet you have NO resources outside of yourself to draw upon and you still don't "see" yourself as a "worthless sinner." Just the thought of such a descriptive term is repugnant to you because you don't want to see yourself in those terms.

You still don't understand that your marriage is already over. It ended with your first "foray" into adultery and all you've been doing since then is driving more nails in the coffin.

You think "logic" and "how I can help my husband cope and deal with my adulteries" is the answer. It isn't. It won't "work," nor will it give your husband any reason to continue your marriage. They are parts, and only parts, of the recovery process when both husband and wife WANT to try to rebuild from the complete nuclear devastation that has cratered and fried their entire marriage, and everything that the Betrayed Spouse ever thought they knew or believed.

But what is your response? It's in the next quotation.



A "broken and contrite" heart is something that comes from recognition of Sin and that I am a sinner. But without God, there IS no sin, only "bad choices." The IMPACT of the offense is deflected and the responsibility is "shifted."

You cry now because you are beginning to realize that adultery IS wrong, on every level. But you cry more because you likely to lose your marriage and the husband that you claim to love.

"This is love, that a man lays down his life for his friend."

"This is love, that while we were hopeless sinners, Christ died in our place."

Think about those acts of love, even if you don't believe in God. Think about undeserved grace and mercy. Think about "excuses" when none are "good enough" or "reason enough." Think about the FACT that you were in complete and total control of your adulterous affairs and that your husband will be in complete and total control of whether or not HE wants to remain married and face the agonies that Recovery will require him to face. You CANNOT control anything.

All you can do is make the NEEDED changes in yourself, your own Standards (not Boundaries at this time), your own self-centered focus that will be needed regardless of whether or not you remain married. All of your "words" will be meaningless to your husband. Yes, he needs to hear them, but your ACTIONS are what he will really be "listening" to.

But since you have such a hard time "listening" yourself, since you have such an "automatic" defense mechanism that "snaps to your defense" anytime you hear something that you think "attacks" you personally, I think your husband will "hear" the same no matter what you think you can to "help him." Truth be told, you CAN'T "help him." You can "go along for the ride," but he has to control the driving and the fuel and you can't help him with any of that. ALL that you can do, IF he gives you the opportunity to attempt recovery, is be a partner in the journey and occasionally offer suggestions for him to consider that may change the route he is on (i.e., joint marital counseling) while the destination remains unchanged. But HE will be the one "in control" and he will be the one "doing the driving." It won't be until MUCH later in the recovery journey that he might feel secure enough to let you do "some of the driving," but that's a long way down the road and won't occur until SOME trust begins to be restored.

The "who is in control" issue is key in all areas.

I sincerely wish you well as the tsumami approaches and you have very little time in which to prepare to save what can be saved. The tsumami will be in control and the after effects will take a long time to recover from. Sometimes the devastastion of the tsunami is so complete that nothing is salvageable. I hope that isn't the case for you, but I don't see you doing much to secure things other than "feeling sorry for yourself" right now. Tears will come, they are normal. But I suspect they are more founded in what you think you may lose, without realizing that it has already been lost. That's just the "flip side" of the "what you may gain" coin of adultery. The issues are "control" and "me."

Think long and hard about those things Aphaeresis, and IF you truly love your husband and truly want to save your marriage, surrender.

Good luck.

Hi there,

There is a simple explanation for why SF with "no ties" can seem exciting. The answer is projection, or in other words, fantasy. It works like this: normal life, with its everyday problems and pain, is suspended. Both people show their "best" sides, they don't really know much about each other... so they imagine. The OP can be anyone you want them to be. its a figment of your imagination, and vice versa.

Naturally, if the R goes on long enough, reality will creep in. Sooner or later you cannot ignore that OP farts, has bad breath, grumbles, gets depressed, has a gambling problem and neglects his family. By their nature, Rs like this cannot last.

In M, fantasising happens as well, but this time, in the other direction. After a while, you stop listening. You stop trying to really understand who your S is. You imagine you know everything about them. In your imagination, they become the boring, depressed, unreliable, uncaring, old, unfashionable, ugly, irritating...etc... person that you have invented.

The answer to both of these problems: reality. Give up fantasies. Open up your eyes and ears, and try to learn who your S really is. Listen to him. Respect that he is a different person to you with his own unique strengths and unique attractiveness. Be honest yourself. Be brave. Show him who you really are, including the parts of you that you may find shameful, embarrassing, or ugly. This is the only way to true lasting intimacy.

exactly. To give you perspective, there have been fuzzy thinking WS here in the past that have thought that I was being very hard on them. But I was attacking their behaviors...and guess what, I was right.
There is a distinction that gets lost on those that are not seeking to help but to enable (yes, FCF, this means you).
BTW, my last quote is from one of those people that thought I was somewhat ruthless at first... but then realized that in fact, it is their behaviors that define them, not the words typed at the fancy of an internet stranger.
I don't think you need to believe in God or to be saved to have a great marriage Aph. Many good people that have different beliefs than I are living a family life that is wonderful.
See, I have a belief that when we harm someone we should do all we can do to make it right. I don't take kindly to people having their rights or their bodies abused. I think that each day that passes you are in fact abusing your H's rights. It isn't him that you are protecting right now, it is you. He has been wounded already by your actions. Telling him now will allow him to see the wound and begin to figure out how to triage this assault on his soul. Later on he will begin to figure out how to heal... with or without your help...his choice. But keeping him blind, wounded and alone (and when he is living in allusion, he is alone) is only serving to harm him more.
So, to repeat... my issues are not really with what you have done... it is more of a matter of how you are responding to those things right now.
You can't begin being the person you should have been all along while holding on to the past with your lies. In fact you are keeping the WS part of you alive by choice here... deal it a death blow by bringing the shining armour or truth to bear against this beast.
MEDC

smu, yes I know you're right. Thanks.

mk, did you ever read the thread in which I said I told him I didn't want to stay at my parents house for extended periods without him being nearby because my ex-bf lives near there, etc.? He reacted by refusing to talk about it. When I asked him about it, he said yes he's upset but he doesn't need this kind of upset right now. Just because YOU would want to know everything right away doesn't mean HE does. He clearly does not want any bad news until he finds a job. He's told me quite clearly that he can't handle it. He won't even fill out the EN survey because he just doesn't want to think about anything else right now. If I say anything right now, he will not only blame me for what I did, but blame me for the timing and blame me if he gets too depressed to find a job. This is not a disrespectful judgement. This is me KNOWING my husband in this regard.

But maybe I could test that. Maybe I could say, hey honey I've been keeping secrets about something horrible I've done that you are really going to hate. Do you want to know about it now or later?

This is yet another example of why I am withdrawing from this thread. You just don't get it. You resort to Disrespectful Judgments instead of hearing. With the exception of your soul and where you will spend eternity, I don't care if you think "Barney" is what you want to believe in.

If you want to have a discussion about religion and which religion, if any, is the "right" one, that can be done, but on another thread.




Wonderful. Common interests and beliefs are helpful. I have yet to read, though, how Secular Humanism has helped either of you to have a good, loving, marriage. So if you consider it to be the "end all," the "definitive religion" for you, isn't about time you both lived up to the tenets of your chosen faith and submitted your will to it's teachings?

Personally, to answer your question, I DON'T care if you or your husband ever were to accept Christ. You don't answer to me, you will ultimately answer to God. But you have no concept of what being a Christian is or you would not be making such ludicrious statements.

Regardless, I am removing myself from your thread so you will have one less thing to try to gaslight your problems about. For someone who thought there was "much in common" between Christianity and Secular Humanism, your true colors are showing.

One last time, sincere best wishes for your recovery attempts.

(Previous post deleted via edit.)

FH, I take it back. Sorry.

Aph,

FH does believe in Christianity as the one and only true religion. That is the belief system of FH. It will be the way that FH tries to reach you. It does not water down the what FH has to say, nor make the statements less, or more true. FH's heart is true, because he tries his very best to get you to see the facts that adultery, infidelity, and that what you have done is wrong and that you do have a long and difficult road to travel ahead if you expect to recover your marriage.

I cannot, and will not, argue religion with FH or anybody else, because my belief system does not match up with that of many people. It is far too difficult to describe. I have discussed my religion with FH, and have found him to be a very good person, and in the end, FH has a lot to offer. I fully and deeply respect FH.

That being said, let us move into what Aph needs to do to make progress in attempting to recover her marriage.

There is devastation here.
I saw a semblance of a crack in you, Aph. But you are nowhere near broken. And your BH will need to see your brokenness if there is any hope of his feeling as though he might want to move ahead into a marriage with you.

Trust me in this.

You are, the living essence of my husband's OW. I know her personally, and have heard your spiel (is that how you spell it???) before - from her own lips.

You do not understand love, Aph. Not yet. If you think you love your husband, you must be preparing yourself for the test of that. Because if he had "performance" issues before, you are setting him up for questioning himself BIG TIME now. After you tell him about your escapades, he will be wondering about his sexual weaknesses, his inability to please you. He will know that you went seeking other men to do things with that he was not able to do. He will give up on himself. And those words that you so "lovinging" said to him in the past - well, they will ring so loudly in his ears, that he will not want to have sex with you. He might try, but when he is with you, he will have visions of you with the other men. He won't be able to prevent that. And your sex life with your husband, well, you will have ruined that for quite awhile. Talk about performance issues. The BS in many cases has issues with sex in recovering marriages for several years after an affair is exposed. Given that your BH already has issues, you have complained about his performance, and now you are putting these affairs in his lap.....your sex life with him is about to be NUKED. If ever there was going to be a test of your LOVE for him, it is NOW.

Prepare yourself for the worst, Aph, the worst sex life you have ever had with your husband, because that may very well be what you have set yourself up for.

Are you prepared for that?
Are you prepared to LOVE him through that?
Are you prepared to wait for him for at least two or more years of very hard, very difficult, and very painful work while he and you both recover from your affairs?

Because you will need to be able to do that, Aph.
Straight talk, from the horse's mouth.

See, this recovery thing, it isn't just about breaking the news to him. It's about lots, lots, more.

He will cry at first. He will ask the same questions, over and over, to see if you are lying to him. Whatever you do, resist the urge to lie. Even if you are lying to "protect his feelings", or "soften the blow", or "make things seem less than they were", or "keep him from being hurt so much", or "make him feel better about himself". Whatever you do, be careful about your words. Don't make the OM better than they were, or worse than they were. Just the facts. Don't glorify yourself, or blame them. Don't tell your husband that you were some sort of sex goddess, because, the fact is, you weren't. Those OM were DIFFERENT, that's all.

You need clarity on that front, by the way. If you had the same gourmet meal every single night, after several years, it would seem passe. Then, one night you were served a new meal, and it was just A PLAIN hamburger, you might think it was the greatest burger ever made. Fact is, it was just a burger. Nothing special. If you asked those OM's wives, those men are nothing special - just that they were on "special" for you, or maybe not even that. Maybe they were just themselves, who really knows? They lied to you, whether you care to believe it or not. Ask their wives for the wives' end of the story - I am more than happy to tell you, my husband LIED to his "friend with benefits", the whole time. She believed him. As you believed your OM.

You see, your story.....it is not so different, after all. What is different is that you posted here, and were brazenly lacking

SHAME and REMORSE.


Which is really what the uproar was about when it comes down to it.


For me, I have already met you, more than once, in my life. Truth be told, you resemble my older sister, Aph.

I fought you before, Aph, and won. I already have forgiven others just like you before in my life. And many worse than you.

So you see, I already know that the religious arguments are lost on you.

So I will not argue that way.

The problem with your marriage, unfortunately, is that I fear your husband will not want to recover with you.

Why?

Because he is currently away, and has been for a long time.
And he doesn't want to talk to you about anything regarding your relationship.

I think he already knows what you have done. See, he "gave his permission" for you to do some things with OM....and that tells me he gave up on you a long time ago, Aph. And maybe now he is making other plans. It is very often the case in long term infidelity that the BS knows what has been happening and makes other plans, becomes less communicative, and begins to detach. Some of the things you have said about your husband do describe this behavior.

You might want to be ready for HIS response. Perhaps his focus on getting a job is because he needs it so he can be ready for his independence from the marriage. I hope this is something you have considered.

Anyway, when or if you do talk to him, you might want your opening statement to be one that talks of your remorse and guilt. Starting there wouldn't be a bad idea.


I'm not so sure that you have much understanding of what the dynamics of recovery will be. I hope that reading the books will begin to enlighten you.

Everything else aside, Please, send your BH here when you let him know. He will need someone to help him with the aftermath. Tell him to let us know he's your husband.

SB

Hi schoolbus,


I'm sure I can do that with him because I know I can do it when I'm alone. I just can't online. And when I'm alone I can only let it go on so long before thinking about something else. But I'm thinking if I let it out a little at a time over a long period, maybe I'll be able to handle it better. Once I'm broken I'm going to have to snap out of it in a hurry in order to help him. You can't have two broken parents trying to raise two kids.


I'm definitely willing. As for prepared, by which I assume you mean something much more than just willingness...I'm doing everything I can do to make sure I can be prepared.

BTW, I found out I can get free counseling after all. There is a local source I didn't know about.


He had no choice but to go. There was no work here and I had to finish school. He's like that during every job hunt.


He never does when he's job hunting. He's always been like that from the beginning. It's just how he is.


Is it? Or is it about a lack of willingness to punish myself? If I thought punishing myself would help him, I would. But I don't think it would help him. I don't even think he would want that.


If that is true...then he gave up on me BEFORE I ever cheated. I was not involved with any sort of crush then or before. No emotional affairs, no nothing. If he gave up on me THAT early, it had nothing to do with my affairs. So I hope you are wrong. I should give him the benefit of the doubt for now because what I did was worse, but eventually I guess that's something we'll need to talk about.


True, but he does this during every job search, even before I started cheating. So it would be difficult for me to tell the difference.


Well that would be inconsistent with his position that if he has to take unemployment for awhile, I should get a job where he is now. Also, he wants a baby and isn't willing to wait much longer. I'm trying to stall him long enough for us to get back on our feet financially. And they say WOMEN have biological clocks! (Just a joke, not a slight in any way.)


Oh yeah, of course. Who wouldn't?


I'll send him to the board after, yes. Whether he wants to tell you who he is will have to be up to him. He might not be able to open up if he knows I'm also on the boards and who I am. Of course, I could disappear from the boards when he joins. It'll have to be something we talk about and both agree to. I'll let you know.

Your story initially caught my attention because I see elements of myself in your husband and elements of my wife in you. There is little need to go into my history as it lies in the past but the path you followed is one close to my personal experience with my wife. For this reason there is something I can perhaps help you with if you’re willing to consider some of what I might suggest.

Lots of discussion of religion in this thread; I personally respect but not necessarily honor the religious or atheist beliefs of all men and women so long as they do not infringe on my pursuit of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Lots of philosophical implications in the above sentence with a good dose of our very own Constitution; the inalienable rights, what a wonderful concept.

Now, back to your own issues and hopefully some useful suggestions.

First I would be pleased to offer you a general hypothesis of affairs as follows: “Both husband and wife will become enriched with the full exposure of affair activity. Further, if such exposure is made with the objective of saving the marriage then the marriage is given the best chance to flourish.”

Of course, you have already described in detail the difficulties and doubts that cause you to worry that your exposure could end your marriage.

No hypothesis is complete without the theory that underlines its proposed tenets. When you tell your husband of your indiscretions you will benefit from 1.) Freeing you from the burden of harboring a dreadful lie and 2.) You will have indirectly surfaced the major disconnect in your marriage and thus allows your husband to address his own shortcomings.

Like all the great hypotheses, a little bit of empirical evidence is required to support its belief. You can certainly find lots of empirical evidence right here in these pages, lots and lots of marriages that have been saved. All across the internet are similar success examples. (However, I think that the largest body of success exists with the marriages right here). There is NO stronger or more effective wakeup call in a marriage then the discovered act of infidelity. You each will either work on the marriage or divorce as there is seldom a middle ground. The exposure will start in motion a cascade of emotional confession the likes of what you have NEVER experienced. It will likely be terrifying to both of you but at the same time you each may find that you have been starved for this confrontation for so very long. I might wonder if you are both currently living in separate Purgatories where bouts of happiness are short lived and always surrounded by elements of loneliness. I suspect that you miss what your husband once meant to you. I bet he feels the same.

Your description of your current relationship with your husband has lost much of its functionality. You have already described to us all the how’s and why’s that your relationship has progressed to the current state where most all conversations are one-sided with his male imprint guiding it in his direction and to your detriment. In the meantime you are actually the one holding the cards. Unknown to him you have built a secret emotional world. It is complete with a host of male friends that relate to you on equal footing. With your secret world you really have little need to press for solutions in your own marriage. In your secret world you can satisfy your need for intimacy any time the need surfaces and you don’t need your husband’s concurrence, or presence to do so. He has lost a piece of necessary relevance in your life but he is unaware that it has even happened. Perhaps he just believes that your marriage is progressing in a normal manner when in fact there is much going on that he cannot begin to address because he is ignorant of what is really happening. The sad fact is that even if you were to forever practice fidelity he would feel no need to change his learned patterns of behavior and that means that you would both be cheated out of having the chance to leave your current state.

You can change that.

Mr. G

APH:

I thought Goodstuff was no longer here. I believe that he is the most qualified person I know of, both by temperment, attitude, aptitude and knowledge, to help you. Goodstuff is, uh, real good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Larry

Mr. Goodstuff,

Thank you. You are definitely right about everything. I have become convinced that I should tell him everything. Now it's just a matter of timing. I want to be with him when I tell him.

And I definitely do miss what he once meant to me. He was my best friend. When we were first married, he was my whole world. I even missed him during the day when he went to work. A year-long absence for work reasons would have been unthinkable back then.

One other thought. As much as he will be able to help you, if he has the time and interest, he may even be of more value to your husband.

As you can tell, I am a fan of Goodstuff. He is aptly named.

Larry

Larry,

LOL! Yes, I can see that already.

I suppose that for a wayward spouse disclosure of an affair to their partner is likely one of the hardest things they will ever do. I thought (and still think) that you could use reassurance that disclosure is not only the right thing to do, but it is much, much more than that; it will give you and your husband a chance to again experience the closeness and love that your relationship was born from. If you perhaps make that thought your mantra you will perhaps find the courage to do what you know must be done.

I would like to ask you a question or perhaps give you something else to consider while you wait for your husband’s return. I happen to support your position of waiting for him to return before you disclose, after all, I expect that you need every second to prepare yourself. So let’s begin to prepare…

If you were to first reveal your disclosure in a letter what would it say?

Mr. G

Mr. G,

I would say something like this. I've been keeping something from you, and you're going to hate it but you need to know. I've been stupid and selfish for a long time. I thought at one time that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you but I see now how stupid that is and how it probably has contributed to our emotional distance. I feel sick that I didn't recognize the harm I was doing and that you probably knew something was wrong but didn't know what.

Damn. I'm stuck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Heheheh (in a good way)

It is not as easy as it first appears. Even in this land of anonymity it is difficult to state what has happened but your effort says something in of itself.

So far your letter looks like this,



I think what you have outlined so far is “excellent”. I might suggest to you that when you said, “and you’re going to hate it,” might be better left unsaid or said differently as it is not up to you (or anyone else but him) to decide what he will or won’t “hate”. When we attempt to second guess the reaction in others by stating it as a fact, we often fall prey to a big love buster called a, “disrespectful judgment”. For instance, “You don’t love me anymore!” is a disrespectful judgment whereas, “I am worried that you don’t love me anymore,” is a plea for help. See the difference? It becomes about what “you feel” in lieu of telling him what he is feeling.

So, you say you are stuck. Could it perhaps be difficult to say the obvious, “I have betrayed you.” I get the feeling that you know what to say but do not know the right way to say it, am I close? Perhaps the best way is to say it is to simply “say it”. “I HAVE BETRAYED YOU.”

Consider that “he” is not the only person that you betrayed. Perhaps there is one other to consider in your betrayal. Can you guess who it is? It is YOU!

In a world far, far away you were once deeply in love with your husband and his care and well being was the most important of all. Somehow (your upcoming journeys will tell you “how”) you lost your way. I wonder if through a series compromises and rationalizations you betrayed him and yourself in the process. Is the person who had these internet affairs the same person that you want to be? Your husband may want to know the answer to this question.

Mr. G

Mr. G,

True. That's not who I want to be. I let the first affair define who I was, and because what I did could not be undone I didn't consider change as a serious possibility. I felt defective.

Okay, next shot at the letter:

Husband,

I've been keeping something from you, and it's very bad news but you need to know. I've been stupid and selfish for a long time. I betrayed you by being unfaithful. I thought at one time that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you but I see now how stupid that is and how it probably has contributed to our emotional distance. I feel sick that I didn't recognize the harm I was doing and that you probably knew something was wrong but didn't know what.

I was also betraying myself because this is not who I want to be. I'm tired of living a double life full of secrets and lies. I want us to be close like we used to be. That's why I'm telling you this. I'm not telling you just to unload my guilt and make myself feel better. I'm not telling you out of fear of getting caught. There was a time when you and the kids were my whole world. I don't like the world I'm in now.

I love you. I never stopped loving you - I was just blind to the harm I was causing. I want you to know that not once did I ever want to leave you to be with someone else. That's not what it was about. I can't imagine raising kids or growing old with anyone but you.

I know that the trust in our marriage is broken now. You have every right to leave, but if you choose to stay I'm willing to do anything necessary to repair it, and I also know you have no reason to trust me anytime soon. So I'll make sure you don't have to. I'll tell you everything you want to know. You'll have all my email passwords. I'll make sure that every time we're apart all my time is accounted for. You'll always know where I am and who I'm with for as long as necessary.

I've been reading about what people go through after infidelity is discovered. So I know that it may take you about two years to recover, and I'm willing to do whatever I can to help you. If you need to yell at me, I'll sit quietly and listen for as long as I possibly can. In the event that it gets to be too much, I will not argue back or try to defend myself. I'll simply ask for break and go into another room. I'll do whatever you need.

----

That's all I have so far. Is it enough? I figure if he wants the details of the affairs themselves, I'll hand him a separate letter.

The draft letter that you have composed has allowed you to organize your thoughts. If you want it to be the mechanism to disclose your affairs to your husband then you might want to consider dropping the last two paragraphs as the information in them is really better said after you disclose and your husband has his first opportunity to process this new information. Believe me when I suggest that you will indeed cover that ground too.

The most important thing to remember is that telling him through a letter or face to face, is the fact that it is YOU telling him, it is you “coming clean”. You will get NO extra credit points from him immediately but over time he will likely come to realize that your unforced disclosure was a very brave and noble thing to do. I’m guessing that it is the first brave and noble thing you have done in a long time. It will take time but he too will see that and it will help you and him by making the road just a little bit easier.

What I like best about your letter is that you place NO blame on him for the choices you have made. I might suggest to you that that is a very, very important position. You see, you each get 100 percent credit for the choices that each of you make. In the end, the right or wrong in all this mess will begin to lose its significance. It will be replaced by the importance of preserving your relationship. But for that to happen it is necessary that you each arrive at a state where “you offer no defense and take no offense”. I’m afraid I’ve gotten ahead of myself.

The time for disclosure is approaching. When you see him you may fall prey to rationalizing your way out of confessing. I suggest that you take the letter you wrote and keep it with you at all times. When you first see him he will likely have much to discuss with you but only you know what belongs on the true agenda. Search for an opening and then use your strength to take the “important step” to change your life for the better. Telling him face to face or through your letter will accomplish your objective, you pick the method.

One last thing, many here will suggest that disclosure should be through a third party such as a marriage counselor. They would be correct in that disclosure in such a fashion is the safe way. Suffice to say that affair disclosures that take place in the office of a psychologist are very rare. If you feel that your safety is in danger then by all means, take measures to protect yourself. You may elect to leave the letter where he can find it and leave the house and have him call you on your cell phone. I prefer the letter method as I think it provides for an uninterrupted confession but truly, the method of disclosure is yours.

Mr. G

Mr. G,

Thank you so much! I wrote out the letter but dropped the last two paragraphs as you suggested.

I have no fear for my safety other than possibly being stranded at a counselor's office if I tell him there. So if I go that route, I will have to make sure I have an alternative method to get home.

His usual reaction to any marital conflict is to run off to be by himself and/or threaten me with divorce. It used to upset me but now I know he doesn't mean it. The trouble is, this is much more serious and he might say it and mean it, but how would I know? I would have no idea how to react.

My fear is that you have planned for every contingency...except the one you will get.

You have always been calculating. You are calculating this.

What if you did the math wrong?