Donate your time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> once you know the system and have pearls of your own to pay forward!

You may seriously want to consider calling the Harley's for a phone consultation ~when~ your H says he is ready to work on the M. Don't fly that plane without some instructions. People who think that as soon as their WS wants to come home their trouble are "over" .... have no clue that the really REALLY REALLY diffucult stuff begins when trying to rebuild !

Well, I found that out the hard way. I really thought that I was in recovery for 5 months and that everything was ducky. Silly me.

And I will pay if forward if I make it through this and am able to offer others sound advice. At least I can help with what NOT to do....

My XH wasn't/isn't in an affair, but he chose a woman with a long track record of failed relationships, kids by multiple men, and all her exes seems to be "a-holes" as he's put it.

I sometimes wonder what would make him think that HE is "the one" for her?

I expect that once he is just another notch on her belly ring, he'll be a member of the a-hole club too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He and I were together for 20 YEARS. She seems to move on after a short time. Why would he think he's different to all the other men she's been through?

I'm going to take the initiative (I've been taking the initiative - but I'm going to try to have a serious talk with him this weekend) to try and reconcile with him. If he chooses not to - that's up to him, but one way or another, she'll move on sooner or later. Frankly I'm surprised she's hung on this long (although the last few months have been from a great distance). She'll find another ripe sucker eventually.

JinGA

JinGA,

I'm in somewhat the same situation. I'm married 34 years and mine WH is having an A with a twice divorced, twice filed bankruptcy, and has a gambling problem OW. But this is different - she really is "in love" with him *(as long as the $ flow).

It's hard for me to imagine that a responsible adults think like this?

At the company where I work, 6 men were left by their wives all within a month of each other, I'm included. Not to say that women are the only ones leaving. Most of us are young guys, but the one that got me was a guy M 35 years. He had just found out that he had cancer and when they got home from the doctor she dropped the Bomb on him.

Now *that* sucks. Nothing like kicking a man when he's down. My XH was "sick" with depression - but he neither wanted to acknowledge it or seek help for it (he has since). That's different in a big way from somebody with a physical illness as he prepares for the fight of his life. Ouch.

You know - a responsible adult doesn't think like that - that's why these sorts of relationships (affairs in particular - and while my XH's relationship isn't/wasn't an affair, a lot of the same stuff applies) are addictions.

No rational adult would start smoking (but alas I did and I'm addicted!), start doing drugs, drinking, gambling or any sort of addictive behavior if they could foresee that it could take over their lives. Not all addictions ruin lives (smoking isn't ruining my relationships but if I don't get my head straight to quit, it will ruin my health)... but when people start doing drugs instead of eating, gambling the rent or mortgage... none of that is rational.

Same thing can apply in an affair type relationship. The high people get from doing something forbidden, clouds their judgement and creates what we refer to here as the fog.

My XH, where his GF is concerned, has taken leave of many of his core values. Her appearance (tattooed and trashy dress) would never have been acceptable to him in the past - and he even snickered at some bimbo that came through our store yesterday - tramp stamp on her back, belly jewellry hanging down - thong sticking up out of the back of her too-small shorts...

I remember when he first started that relationship online. He'd been to see her for a week, so he knew what she looked like in person. I knew she had tattoos and stuff because she posted it all on her myspace page - I'd seen her pictures. One night XH and I were running an errand for the business, and we passed a tattoo parlour. We had a running joke because once a client of ours who'd just turned 50, dared me to go and get a tatoo with her - and of course I declined. If I'd said yes, we'd both be tramp-stamped now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Anyway as XH and I passed the tattoo parlour, he joked, "Wanna get a tattoo?" (clearly in reference to what had happened with myself and the other client). Of course I joked and said NO... but at that moment I thought that in making that funny with me, he was actually insulting his GF.

He holds both myself and our kids to higher standards than he does the GF and her kids. If I mothered my kids the way she doesn't - he'd have had me in court to be declared unfit. If I dressed like a tart, he'd have been all over that too.

But with her, all his values went out the window - as they pertained to HER.

I just don't get it. If I'd said or done (or not done) many of the things she's done, he'd have left me years ago - and rightly so.

The pull of such a relationship is a very powerful thing.

JinGA

So what attracts them to the type of person that they normally wouldn't approve of??? I've always heard that men affair down, and women affair up (men looking for somoeone who looks up to them, women going up on the social scale). Maybe that is true. Based on some of the cases that I've read here, it seems to be the case.

Also, I had one other case that I had forgotten about. My aunt's H left her for his affair partner (in the 1950's). I was small then, but my mom told me later that the OW was way down on the social scale from my aunt, but my aunt was so mad that she beat her up one day. Anyway, they got a D and he lived with the OW for a long time, but after 5 years he came back to my aunt and they married again. That may not happen today because D is so much more acceptable then it was back then. Anyway, mom says it was true love, and they had another child and were happy until she died of cancer 40 years later.

KG,

In the case of men going down, I can clearly see it. I find myself now looking at women that I would have never looked at before. Not because they are attractive but because they are women. A nice waist to hip ratio (Curves) drives me wild!

In my sitch I can say, I think it's a case of me being horny and my hormenes/testosterone are starting to take control. She left 9 months ago and temptation is always around. I try not to go out to clubs/bars too often because I always end up meeting a woman, then I have to stop myself from leaving with her.

Man, Divorce Busting and Marriage Builders have turned me into a better charmer, I know all the right things to say to a woman now. So that's why I have to be careful.

Ok, at least you are honest. But sex is sex. Would you really ever consider one of these women for a long term relationship/marriage????

My XH has. On his myspace page he describes his "fiancee". There was no ring and no date (and now she's 2000+ miles away by her doing).

Her myspace page has some lame survey on it and under the question asking if she'd like to get married, she answers, "NO".

If he doesn't see that they aren't on the same page now, he likely never will - yet he's still involved with her even after she moved back home. I couldn't figure it out then, and I surely can't figure it out now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And yep - he traded down - WAY down.

Maybe it's a self-esteem thing. Maybe he figures he can't earn himself a quality woman, so he took the first one that gave him a second glance and didn't ask him for money on the first contact. He told me then she was the first one that responded to his online personal - the first one that didn't ask to send money or help her get into the country or whatnot. I've never used online personals but from what I've been told, they are filled with money-grubbing predators. His just waited about 4 months before asking for money *g*.

JinGA

I think that you are right about the self-esteem thing. My WH is trading way down too, and I don't mean that in a conceited way at all (well, maybe just a little because we all want to believe that we are the best mate).

He was my equal where she thinks he is on a pedestal, and I guess the admiration is too much for him to resist. But what's not to admire when she hasn't had to clean the brown streaks in his undies, listen to him fart all night (I'm sure he's careful not to do that with her), prod him to get up off the couch and take out the garbage etc. Right now he is a great money machine....

I am so lost. My husband and I just talked for almost an hour. I love him so much and want him to come home, but he believes that he loves her and that he has a better chance of making it work with her versus his W of 23 years.

Please help - he chose to leave home and is living with her in a one bedroom apt. She is on state disability, divorced twice, 3 children. She is 45, her oldest child is almost 30, her two younger kids are 20 and 19 and the 19 year old has 3 kids. They are living in a one bedroom apt, but on the couch because the person she takes care of is coming home from the hospital. They are living in an absolutely choatic life. But he wants to stay with her.

I am a head secretary of a school, very accomplished, he complains I do too much volunteer work and so I gave it all up for him. But he didn't come home.

He admits he still loves me, but we grew so far apart and had nothing in common. He calls me his best friend, and I told him we were soul mates, which we are.

What can I do. I just need another chance, please help me.

Skinsgal - I wish I could help - but I'm in almost the exact same boat, because my XH has done the almost exact same thing.

His GF is 35, has at least 2 kids (maybe 3), different fathers. They lived in his 1 bdrm for the first few months, with himself, GF and her daughter. A few months later they got a 2 bedroom, took a trip and picked up her son. 3 people, 2 bedroom apartment and they lived that way for a year, until she moved away. She never worked while she was here, she *may* be on disability (only heard that through a 3rd party) and recently she was diagnosed with depression (supposedly why she never worked while she was here - uh huh).

He's still hanging on - they have a long-distance R now (again).

I'm preparing to try to have a talk with him in about 13 hours... and I'm scared, because in spite of all the good logical reasons why he should be wanting to talk about reconciliation, I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to be rejected.

I daresay his R will fizzle in time, unless he gives up his good job and his life here and moves to be with her. While I think he's resisting that notion, I'm fearful that he will make an even bigger mistake than all the rest and do that. At the very least he's planning on spending his upcoming bonus to go and visit her.

He was supposed to be leaving today to do just that, but his bonus was delayed - so his travel plans are delayed. I'm going to finally try to have a talk with him today to tell him how I feel and leave the ball in his court.

I want him to come home - not "instantly" - but I'd love to have one more chance to try to work things out - I'm willing to try, but it's up to him. We get along well, I'm the best friend he's ever had, although he probably doesn't see it.

I feel your pain - all too well. Well by the end of today I should have my answers. I'm trying very hard to think positively right now, but in the back of my mind, I fully expect that he will *still* choose his GF over his family.

If that's the case, then I just need to learn to file away these feelings for him, once and for all, and carry on. I don't have him now anyway - so I can't lose what I do not have.

JinGA

I don't care who ya are...that's GOTTA hurt!

I would never consider any of these women for a relationship. You are right sex is sex, but it's been 9 months, since my wife left, but I have to honor my marriage and not touch a woman until she D's me. This has been one of the hardest things that I have ever done, I am a very sexual man. And do I need it? No, do I want it? Oh ****** yes! But I can't now and that's the hard part.

This only my opinion but I think they will lived happily ever after until some one who they think is better suited to their agenda comes a long

My WW has made some friends of ours her goal with her A and the OM. The friends that I'm speaking of are happily married 'soul mates' of nine years. The husband was the WH and the wife was the OW. We also know the BS. She wouldn't reconcile with her husband. I talked to the husband about my situation. He told me that divorce was so painful that if his x-wife had tried to reconcile, then things might be different today. In any case, he is extremely happy with his new wife.

Too bad for me.

Pepper, I'm in Plan A mode now and my wife has filed on me. We're still living together (see link below for further info). These last few months have been extremely tough, but are you saying the recovery period is even harder? Why? What is it about recovery that makes it so hard?

HWW

trust issues and resentment resolution loom large during recovery

the BS usually becomes more morose a few months into recovery (around 6 months usually) and begins to doubt the value of even trying to recover, and feeling like a "booby prize" instead of the valued and adored spouse

before recovery, the BS has energy to get their spouse out of the affair ... and once the WS does end the affair, that energy seems to suddenly disappear, and the BS often feels more empty than ever

plus, for some WS, there is a prolonged mouringing the loss of the OP ... and the wounded BS has to stay by the side of the sad WS and help the WS through withdrawl of the one person in the world the BS really really hates ... and it is humiliating to want someone who is grieving the loss of another person .... who was the serpent in the marriage

Knit,



I guess that goes double for Lemonman, Stanley and me ( all are Docs). I can't remember the occupation for Lemon or Stanley's OM but in my case it was a cabin boy on a cruise ship. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Maybe the tips are better than I thought in the cruise industry