But I doubt that you would consider a long term relationship with the cabin boy, right? Can't imagine that you would be soul mates....

...Hey you just never know these days.

up

My WW's OM is an alcoholic who is now in jail for violating his probation. What a winner he is. I guess that is going up the social scale from me. WOW!!! Boy, I am feeling really good about myself (note the sarcasm as I write this)...I guess I am a complete loser...Why be with a BH who loves the Lord when you can be with an alcoholic atheist...

It's amazing how some folks can just take a vacation from their value system, isn't it?

JinGA

It's obvious that my wife just LOVED the attention from her "first love" (puking all over the floor)....

GHA,

I am so sorry about your W. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She is DEFINITELY stepping down, don't think anything else otherwise. My FOM was a step down, but he fit very nicely into the pattern of my alcoholic family, so he was "familiar" to me. Is your W's family troubled? That could be the attraction, and it has nothing to do with you.

Katie Mae

My WW's father is a recovering alcoholic, so, that is an unknown attraction, but one of her probs is her family coddles her...they are the type that say, "As long as she is happy.." (Continuing to puke) Her mom and dad are divorced and her mom remarried a good man, not a christian, but is good none the less. I think that is a reason for the crap too, because she sees her mom divorce and remarrying to a good person an option.

Yes, she is following family patterns. They feel familiar and safe. I did that too, but I changed... I found God... I grew up. My H's faith in me and our M changed me forever. Your W can change, too... you just need to be home, unfortunately. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Why would they feel familiar and safe?? I can see (still puking) how one could affect you, but the alcohol?? I don't get it. What did it take for you to change katie?

GHA-
I fear that you are getting bitter. Please don't let this bring you down or change you in any way. You need to remain the good person that you are so that your WW will eventually see what a mistake that she has made. Don't give her reason to confirm her decision. Do it for the girls too...

When I say familiar and safe, I mean... I was use to being around drug addicted narcissists. They were my family. I was use to that behavior and knew my role in my relationships with them. When I was with OM, I use to marvel at how much I felt "at home" and how much he was like my family (I thought this was positive at the time... of course this made OM my "soulmate.") I know it doesn't make sense, but eventhough I couldn't wait to get away from my family when I was younger, I couldn't see that I was jumping back into it when I was with OM. It just felt "normal."

Of course, I didn't realize any of this during my A or even much afterwards. I did a lot of IC and read a lot of books. It took a lot of soul-searching.

There were a couple of things that made me change. First, my lifestyle was killing me... the A was physically making me ill (not to mention mentally, but everyone knows what aliens WS turn into!) I didn't want to be with OM anymore, but could not seem to break free from him. Coming here helped with that tremendously.

Mostly, it was my H. When I confessed to him, I had my bags packed and was ready for him to kick me out. Instead, he told me he loved me and wanted to work on the M. He said he wanted me in the same bed as him. He treated me with such firm, real, loving kindness that I felt I had been touched by God. My husband's love made me born again. Because he had such faith in me and in us, I had to change. I had to be the woman he saw, because I certainly didn't feel like that person. I had to be accountable for what I did, and make everything up to him. I love my H more than anything, and I will be making this up to him for the rest of my life. He is my hero, and I am the luckiest, most blessed woman alive.

KM

Truthfully, I'm not getting bitter, just don't understand why she is making some of the choices she is making. I just want the love of my life back and will do whatever it takes to get her back. I am just going through a discouraged state right now...I appreciate all of you...Y'all keep me grounded and for that I am greatful. I sit in front of a computer screen 12 hours a day in a God-forsaken country with a picture of my wife and I right above my monitor and it kills me..it is a picture of us on R&R in April where we are holding hands and have our heads together looking at the camera, but now I know it was a sham because the A was going on then...Know what I mean?

A good person?, but you already know what God has to say about what the world calls good.

This is where I keep going back to what the world calls happiness, happiness is a momentary delusion that society has deceived people into believing that if she/he’s not making you happy, find someone who will. Or if you don’t live in a certain house, drive a certain kind of car or if someone is not treating you a certain way, don’t worry some will do it for you. But the problem with that is that we never deal with the real issues and what’s going on inside of us! True peace comes from God and only He can provide that apart from circumstance, because circumstance will change and then what are you left with?

Not to say that true happiness doesn't exist, but to look to someone else for you happiness is unrealistic, wrong and just plain selfish. And to destroy a marriage and violate your commitment that you made to a person and not expect any consequences for their actions is deceptive.

It good that you found God and it’s funny how He uses circumstances in our lives to bring us to Him.

Another interesting thing is families don't show any tough love anymore, it's just do what you want and we will support you no matter what. What kind of crap is this, no one will tell anybody to do the right thing, because they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings!?

Katie,
Your situation sounds pretty much exactly like mine. I told my wife the same thing that your husband said. She asked me why I said those things to her while she was balling, and I said because I loved her and my marriage was the most important thing (besides God)to me. Then two days later, she HAD to see him for closure, and back to the alien...That is what hurts is I can't tell who she is.

Shes_Great,
I know what the Bible says about "good", I was just saying that she sees her mom remarry to someone else that is "good" and just doesn't get it. My wife is led by her emotions and not by the Lord right now. We are both ministers of the Gospel and don't think she fully gets that. I didn't either at first, but the very minute we got our license to preach, satan has fought us tooth and nail. it has been a year and a half since that day and I didn't really know how easy prey that we were for the devil.

I guess I have a hard time with this because we are not to talk about our marriage so I don't know where her head is at, or if she even loves me. She tells me she loves me, but is that my wife, or the alien?

Hey,, sorry I wasn't trying to be mean or anything, I'm in the same boat as you my brother, this happens to the best of us. I undestand where you are coming from. My W and I are strong christians, well not sure about what's going on with W but Satan saw a crack in our R and he attacked hard!!! And my W fell for the lie!

I never meant to imply you were mean, didn't take it that way at all. Sorry it came across that way SG...

BTW, katie, my wife has been calling me the last couple of weeks with "panic attacks" and to pray for her. It was scaring her..She would call me for prayer up until the time I confronted her about the email sent for OM about a job. How long after your husband telling you he wanted to work on the M did it take you to finally come around? You have a lot of the same traits as my wife, that is why i ask. As far as her family, how do I deal with them always thinking she is the perfect little angel. I think that she is lying to them a lot right now, and want to call and talk to her mom, but don't want to cause anymore probs...What do you think?

Well my XH came from a good, decent, blue-collar family. Parents married 50+ years, happily. He rose above his "roots" and achieved a good job in a white-collar field after hard work, night school and working his way up the ladder. He's a professional now, and he's earned his way.

He traded me in for white trash.

I came from a divorced home - my mom is a recovering alcoholic with 25 or so years of sobriety. Mom had her issues, but she's past them now, dad abandoned his family emotionally after he betrayed us with infidelity.

If anyone should have regressed "statistically" it should have been me - but I wanted nothing to do with that lifestyle. The man I took up with had a problem with alcohol - and I refused to tolerate it, so he quit drinking - period. He had other issues, so I ended the relationship but I didn't find anything about that "comfortable or familiar" - in fact the familiarity of it made me uneasy and so that was it.

I can't understand why XH found it OK to accept behaviour in GF that he would never have tolerated from me - nor would I even have dreamed of doing.

GHA... I'm in a bit of a discouraged phase too - but I need to keep my chin up and keep going forward *for me*. If XH decides to follow, so be it, if not - well then I'll still be OK - and so will you.

JinGA