Lake53 advised me to repost this in the general forum. My original post is in "Just Found Out".

Original Post Link

Here is a brief summary:
Wife of 5 years is having an EA, but refuses to stop talking with the OM on the grounds that she needs to know if she really "loves" him first. My WS has agreed to work on our problems meeting each others EMs, and we have been reading through the basics together. So far this has been wonderful, but I know if she doesn't stop talking to the OM that he will poison all the gains we have made.

lake53 has talked to me about exposure targets. Here is a summary of the OM's relevant information:
He is in the military, did a tour in Iraq, and is being redeployed in October, I believe. He is unmarried, has no kids, works as a waiter, and lives with a male roomate. He is also an alcoholic and seems, from what my wife told me, is suffering from PTSD. (These are facts and not just my anger coming out.) I am not sure what an exposure target would be in his case.

My WS's possible exposure targets are my in laws with whom I have a very, very close relationship especially with my brother in law who is a close friend. Although, I am very hesitant about using these exposure targets.

My WS is on tour (By tour I mean a theater company in the United States.) and is not located near either me or the OM. A majority of their relationship has been via phone. She is coming to see me in a week, and I think I can get her to stop talking to the OM and focus on us from now to the time she goes back on tour from her visit. The question I posed to lake53 was if this is a good course of action?

Update: She told me that she wants the OM to come visit her at one of the tour stops, so she can see him and decide if she "loves" him. She says she can't do that over the phone. She still swears it isn't physical...I have my doubts.

You'll hear from others soon. I suggest you expose to her family. Also, tell her you will be willing to meet with him along with her so that she can decide if she loves him. Once a person is talking about meeting with someone to see if they love them or have feelings for them, it is an A and it needs to be fully exposed--the sooner the better. So you are saying you don't think they have had [email]s@x[/email] yet. It is still a full fledged A and she is doing some impressive fog talk to you. Expose this now, you have an exposure list that sounds like a group of people who will help you save your marriage.

You will not be able to get her to focus on your M while she is in such a deep fog as to be saying she needs to meet him to see if she loves him. Many here have been down a similar path and the fact is that you need to expose this to her family and you should also expose it to the OM's boss. Didn't you say he is in the military also?
Lake

Expose to his commanding officer. Adultery is punishable under UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice). Tell the CO that your wife "claims" it wasn't physical, but you believe it has been. Request that he 'restrict' his soldier from having any relationship with your wife, as you believe that this has already gone too far. Be calm, polite, and blunt when you're dealing with the CO.

Expose to HER commanding officer in the exact same fashion, and at the exact same time. Let each CO know that you're exposing to the other at the same time...even give them each other's contact information if you want to.

What rank is your wife, and what rank is OM? Are they in the same command? Do either of them hold a position of authority over the other?

Do not hesitate to expose this to your wife's family. You are fortunate to have this resource. Make use of it.
Lake

Completely agree with Lake, btw.

Do all of this...at one time. Don't warn your WW that you're going to do so, either. She'll put a spin on it to make you look like a nutcase.

Sorry for the confusion, but when I say on tour I means my wife is touring the country with a theater company. The OM is current waiting to be recalled and is working as a waiter in my home town. Does he have a CO at this point, and if so is adultery with a person not in the military still punishable? How would I go about contacting his CO?

Thanks for the reply.

By the way, do you see how crazy my suggestion sounds? that you and she could meet with her OM when she sees if she has feelings for him? That is how far out of line she is and how fogged out she is. Under the guidelines for a healthy M provided on this website, the two of you would go together to make such major decisions. I really think it best that they do not meet at all. But if it comes down to that for one reason or another, I think you should be there with her.

How do you know that they have not already met up? Do you see her credit card bill?
Lake

Is he active duty military, or is he national gaurd/active reserve? In either case, yes, he should still have a CO, and be assigned/attached to a unit.

How did your wife meet OM?
Is she doing something in support of the military? Have you considered bringing this up to her boss?

They have seen each other a couple of times over the last year for sure. She would go to our hometown to see her parents and would even call saying she was hanging out with the OM and his friends. She always made it sound like they were buddies and maybe thats all they were for a time.

As for now, I take care of all the finances and would be able to tell if she used money from any of the credit cards or bank accounts.

As for your suggestion...wow...that would be really rough, but you are right. She has said she wants to follow the precepts on this site.

She met the OM in college when they dated for a very short time, and then were friends for a few years. She lost contact with him and found him again on the increasingly pain-in-my-side MySpace.

She is not involved in a USO tour or anything and has no involvement in the military.

I just spent the last hour writing out the whole EA story in preparation to talk to her parents and brother. I am very nervous about approaching them. It seems like a giant LB, and I really feel the last couple of days we have been filling up the bank again. I do see the wisdom in that it is all for nothing if this guy is still in the picture. I am just afraid it will blow up in my face and drive her to him.

I ditto everything that has been said. My FWH is military and his OW was also military. So, you can read my story on what happened when I exposed to their CO. It is a MUST if you want any chance of saving your marriage. You will need some strong proof before approaching if you expact consequences, but you should still tell his CO regardless. I had emails and stuff. The fact that your wife is admitting feelings, is a good sign that there is more underneath.

Yes, exposing seems like a HUGE LB, but it isn't. It's getting the bacteria out of a wound. It hurts, but you'll be better because you did it.

Read up on some exposure threads to help prepare you. It won't be fun. But it gets soooo much better once your WW is out of the influence of the A. And her parents may help you in fighting your WW from seeing the OM, since it's at her hometown when she sees him.

Good luck.

ter,
She is talking about going to see him to see if she loves him. She has been with him a few times this past year. She has not been living with you all the time as her job has taken her out of town.

You are fighting for your marriage right now! I don't know, but it almost seems like you are in a state of shock right now, almost like she has your emotions held hostage. You need to expose this affair to the people who can help you recover your marriage. Right now, your best allies are her family who are very supportive of you and your marriage. You have described them as reasonable people. Tell them what is going on so they can help you get your wife out of her fog! If there are other exposure targets in her troupe, use them also.

Lake

what kind of work do you do?

WW being on the road is really working against you... any chance you could take a leave of absence from work and join your wife?

I am a computer programmer and could technically do my job from the road. I went to work on D-day + 1, but stayed home the next two days. I plan on talking to my boss about options on Monday if I can pull it together enough to go.

I think this is your best bet...

and since you have no kids ... you're pretty much free to move about the country at will

May I suggest you just show up ... without telling WW in advance...

show up with flowers
looking GREAT
smelling sexy
and room service alerted to bring champagne on ice upon your arrival

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I found a number of messages sent via MySpace from my WS's account to the OM. They all occurred before D-Day and contain language like, "I will be yours-all yours- completely some day." Plus a poem titled "Because I love you" with the line, "You make my body quiver when you kiss me.". She also told me he didn't confess his feelings to her till a few months ago, but I found a messaged dated from August that sounds pretty damn close to a confession. There is no reference to sex in all this, but it sounds pretty physical to me! Should I confront her about these messages?

I am still gathering information about the OM, so I can do the exposures all at once. Is that right or should I do them one at a time? A "tsunami" of truth sounds like all at once.

I don't know if I can keep this up. It is draining me to the very core. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I can't seem to think of anything but the EA. God help me.

No. You are not strong enough to confront a WS. Instead you s/b working on gaining your strength and establishing your personal support group.

Where are you with your MB reading material?

L.

Together we have been reading and discussing the basics. We have read through most of them and are going to do the emotional needs questionnaire soon.

I personally have read almost all the material on affairs.

imterrified ~ your wife is not your support group. Right now she is a wayward, and an enemy to your marriage.

Melodylane is an exposure expert, hopefully she'll pop in here and give you some direction!

You need to expose to her family, calmly, while telling them that what you want is to save your marriage. Affairs can not survive the light of day.

Wanting to find out if she loves him is simply WS talk for wanting to continue the affair with your cooperation.

Enable her no longer. You can't control her, but you can expose her. You can not work on your marriage until he is out of her life - she'll continue to pretend to work with you as long as you let her have her boy toy.

She gets to have her cake and eat it too. Alcoholic loser boytoy for fun exciting sex and romance, with you sitting at home paying the bills and holding her home together.

I agree with Pep, you should no longer allow your wife to travel unaccompanied. My husband manages a team of programmers and I know that every now and then, one of his employees has "life" happen, and they work from the road. One even went home to India for 6 months to be with a dying relative and continued to work.

Going back to my original point, Orchid's point to you is that you are only at the start of an incredibly painful journey. You need your support group, friends to you and to your marriage to hold you up when it gets to be too much. Your wife is NOT that person.