Hello All,

I can't help to read through this website and feel sad. How is it that people can do these things to someone they love(or once loved)?

I won't rehash my story. Basically my W had a LTA (4 years). It looks and it has finally come to an end. From the moment I found out, I fought for my marriage. I didnt end up finding this place until about a year ago.

Now that the affair is done, I can honestly say that I really don't even care anymore. I can't help but look at my wife and feel disdain for who she is and what she has become. I am forever broken. Even if our marriage remains intact, there will always be 'something' missing. I will never trust her like I once did, and to me that is sad.

I can't help but feel, after a year of IC and true, no holds barred self reflection, that I really do deserve so much more than she provides me. I really tried to look at our marriage and take my 50% of the blame for it falling apart. The problem is I found myself making stuff up to get to my 50%. I am a man who would die for his family. To me there is nothing more important. It is how I was raised. I have a good job that I enjoy. I am honest. People seem to enjoy my company. I am intelligent. I am even easy on the eyes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />. Why do I even deal with this garbage? All I ever wanted was to be one half of a team. That is how I look at people who have great marriages. They have each others back. They are people who will be there for you when you are backed into a corner. They will fight for you no matter how tired or beaten down they may be.

I have had the opportunity to cheat on my wife in the past. And each time I walked away. It wasn't becuase didn't find the other person attractive, it was because I could never hurt my wife. Why can't she have the same integrity?

Her affair has consumed the majority of the last three years of my life. So many memories are scarred by her weakness. And each time I learned the affair was ongoing, she acted so entitled. Like I was the one causing all of the problems.

Now that she is strating to go through withrawl, I just leave her alone. The things she says don't even affect me anymore. So she broke up with her OM, big deal! And I am supposed to feel bad for her? Sorry, can't do it. I am supposed to support her? Nope, not going to happen. Like I said, I just don't care anymore.

I remeber the night she actually moved out of our home. That night I slept better than I had slept in the last 3 years. I felt relieved to have some type of conclusion to this whole mess. Sure, I did things wrong once I learned of the affair, but what can I say, I am a human being with feelings. I can't pretend to not hurt when I feel like my insides have been torn out.

I guess what I am getting at is that BS's shouldn't have to put up with this garbage. I can surely say that after going through this once, if it ever happened again, I am out immediatley. No Marriage Builders, No books, No conversations. No Plan A or Plan B. I am gone. Why do we want to stay with someone who thinks so little of us and our marriages that we are willing to put ourselves through this nonsense? At this point I continue on because of my child (as I realize many of you do). If our W's or H's want to go out and find A partners, then let them. Karma is a b1tch.

Please don't let any of what I wrote offend anyone. It is more of a vent on my part. I am just so tired of doing all the heavy lifting to resurect a marriage that I didn't ruin. I am tired of being treated like I am the guilty party. I am exhausted after all of the garbage she has put me through for her own selfish gain. She could leave tomorrow and I wouldn't shed a tear. Does that make me a bad person?

Great post, Through...one I could've written myself. You are not alone in the things you feel, the things you wonder about and question.
I am a year past D-Day 2 and wish almost every day that I had left last summer...I too said if it happens again I am gone, but I stayed. Why? I don't even know anymore...I just know that where I am right now, emotionally, sucks.
I don't feel the same and doubt I ever will. It's as if a door was slammed and I can't -- or maybe just don't want to - try and open it.
We were married 5 years ago in May and I feel as if most of that time was wasted, truly. I am so tired of wanting my life, my FWH, to be something it's not.
I have dealt with the entitlement issues as well, the blame, the arrogance...'I stopped talking to OW, why can't you just get over it?' that's one of my favorites.

I guess this isn't a great response for you, but at least know that there are others dealing with what you are...I wish I could give some great advice, but you can see from my sitch I'm not the best person to do that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I second that emotion. It is now and continues to be hard to move forward with my husband, I have basically chosen to close myself off for protection. We are both affectionate and respectful of each other, but the fear of betrayal will forever be there. I feel like I would not survive another one. I spend about 1/2 my time at our vacation home and 1/2 with my husband at our home. When I am home, I keep very busy as a distraction.
If I were younger, would definitely not try to stay. If you have the chance to leave and start over, do it. I wish I had known 30 years ago what I know now. I have always felt that long term affairs would be even more of a blow to a marriage. My H's affairs were not LTA's and he never got very emotionally involved. You have been through a lot and if the love you feel for your wife is gone I see no reason to keep punishing yourself.

Good luck, I hope you find what you really need.

Call the Harleys

this "vent" could sound exactly the same in 1 year unless you both get some help to make the marriage DESIRABLE for both of YOU

Well, I know just how you feel about wanting to be one of a TEAM. I used to feel that way even before my ex's affair. The whole marriage was lopsided, with me working hard and him kind of along for the ride.

Is your wife meeting your emotional needs? Are the two of you spending 15 hours a week together doing fun things? Has she shown remorse for her affair?

TTG,

I think that all of us (BS's) understand what you feel. A 4 year A is a long one. Why did it end? Just curious. Anyway, I feel the same at times too but I've been M 34 years and that is hard to give up. Maybe if I were younger I wouldn't be fighting so hard. In the beginning I was so eager to let it go and get a new M, but after two false recoveries I'm wearing thin. It's hard to believe at this point that it can be better.

Anyway, I do believe what you are feeling is only human.

TTG:


This jumped out at me:

"Now that she is strating to go through withrawl, I just leave her alone. The things she says don't even affect me anymore. So she broke up with her OM, big deal! And I am supposed to feel bad for her? Sorry, can't do it. I am supposed to support her? Nope, not going to happen. Like I said, I just don't care anymore.

I remeber the night she actually moved out of our home. That night I slept better than I had slept in the last 3 years. I felt relieved to have some type of conclusion to this whole mess. Sure, I did things wrong once I learned of the affair, but what can I say, I am a human being with feelings. I can't pretend to not hurt when I feel like my insides have been torn out."

Before I say anything else, I would like to second Pep's advice. Call the Harley's.

Decide that you wish to continue with this lifestyle of decide to change it. THe Harley's can help that process.

So, You beat the OM.

Good. That game is over. Now the real work starts and you want to check out.

"So she broke up with her OM, big deal! And I am supposed to feel bad for her? Sorry, can't do it. I am supposed to support her? Nope, not going to happen."

Why? Your Wife is hurting right now. She may be hurting for the most disrespectful of reasons, cuz, her OM is gone, but she is still hurting. And if you do not want to help her through this time, then your right, You don't have her "back." And she knows it.

Sorry. I don't mean to beat you up on this, but you have to step up to the plate now.

Because the same emotions that you want for yourself:

"but what can I say, I am a human being with feelings. I can't pretend to not hurt when I feel like my insides have been torn out."

You do not want to give her now. She may be incapable of giving to you right now, BUT it IS UP TO YOU.

Read Mr. Wondering and Bob Pures Threads, after the A was busted up. They took the heat for a long period of time, but knew where they wanted to go, and then dragged thier WW's there, until they earned thier F.

Now, the hurt and betrayal is still there, and thier R and M will never be what it was, but the have a functioning R now, one based on admiration and consideration, among other things.

And yes, maybe you just wanted to rant.

But one day, your W will make a choice. She might decide to check out. Because you are not making yourself the most appealing option for her.

And TTG, I had the 4.5y LTA. I could have left my BW in the same limbo that you find yourself, but I went to work on the R, and you hope for your WW to do the same. It hasn't happened yet, but it still can.

Call the Harleys, start there. You will not be disappointed.

LG

Lousy,

I'm curious as to why you went back with your BS after 4.5 yrs. You've probably answered this somewhere in the past, if so, point me to it. Just trying to get inside the head of the WS.

Thanks,

Knit:

I never left.

I was a cake-eating WS. BS didn't even know about the A for the first 3.5 years. and afriad to confront for the last year.

Check this thread: Its Curtains for LG

It gives you the overview of my dday.

LG

Hello all, thank you for your replies. I just got back from a weekend trip where I had no internet access.

MPELE,

Thank you for your words. Stories like yours are what make me so angry and upset.

'Why can't you just get over it'. Haha. Yeah, what is wrong with you? Believe me, I have heard that one before too. Do you sometimes just sit quietly and wonder if this is all really happening? I do.

I really hope your situation turns out well for you. You deserve better. And I know I do not know you personally or have in depth knowledge of your life, but I do know that NOBODY deserves to be treated with such disregard.

dklj,

I don't know what I feel for my wife at this point. As far as having a chance to move on, I guess it is an option, but it would mean hurting my son immensely. He is 3 and is completely attached to me. Not in a bad way, but in a 'I want to be just like dad' way. We do everything together, and we both love it. When my wife left, she took him to her new place, and he made her call me every 15 minutes to talk to me. He is the reason I have been able to trudge on for so long.

Believer,
Does she meet my emotional needs? Not really. After really looking at my relationship with her from the beginning, I am not sure if she ever fully met my emotional needs. Do we spend 15 hours together a week? Yes, we do fun things together. But then again, we always have. Remorse? he11 no. He was her 'best friend' and they had 'passion like she has never felt before'. God, it sounds even funnier when written down.