Personal Boundaries: Limits you recognize for yourself that you need to implement for your personal recovery.

My intitial list was long.... Too much to monitor. Then I realize the one never changing boundaries for me was for me NOT to have the OW in MY LIFE.

I realized I can't control the WS but I did realize I could have relative control who and what came into my life.

It empowered me. How? When the OW and WS tried to interfere in my life or inject fear in my life.... I was able to stop it and in many cases kick it back.

Would you like t/b able to that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Can you give me some examples from your list?

You are in Plan B because YOU KNOW she is in an affair. You cannot stop your W from doing anything. I am sorry this is happening, but the only thing you can do is calm down and remove yourself from this drama. BACK AWAY and stop tormenting yourself with her activities.

imterrified,

Haven't posted to you before, so welcolm to MB forums.

I will start out by saying that based on this post I'm reading, you are not at all in Plan B! Hang on, I'll explain as best I can.



In a truly dark plan b, you would not gather that, or any other information! You simply wouln't hear it.



Which is exactly why you supposed to be in plan b, to preserve the love for your WW before her actions totally destroy them.....


You have chosen a poor intermidaiate. Your FIL is telling you everything she's doing and that is very wrong. That is not the role of an intermidiary(sp). Remember aa few posts back when you were reminded that he needs to be your spam filter? Based on your post, he's telling you everything she is doing, which is going to destroy your plan b.


Wrong....Wrong....Wrong.... This is something you very much need not to know while in plan b!


But you haven done that at all! You wait for every tidbit FIL will give up to you, and continue to look at her MYSPACE account? Does that sound like she is out of your daily life? Not to me.

You need to go very dark here, imterrified, or this plan will blow up in your face. Go back and think of the goals of your plan. Preserve the love for your WW and wait till she meets your boundaries. Plan b is a last desperate act before plan D.

Back off and at least give yourself a chance. do it right and regardless of the outcome, you will always be able to look yourself in the mirror, and say, I did everything humanly possible to save my M.

I will pray for you.

All blessings,
Jerry

You don't need 'my' list. You need your list.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. What actions do I NOT tolerate from anyone, including my W?

2. What kinds of persons do I NOT tolerate in MY LIFE?

Answers to the above will help you define your personal and M boundaries. This means no matter who does them, you will NOT tolerate it in YOUR life.

See you can't control the lives of other adults (i.e. your W or even grown children) but you can control your own and what you let affect you beyond finding out about something hurtful. You can control what you let affect you. Just be reasonable about it. That's why the list must be short.

In my case NO OW c/b in My life. Even if that meant losing my H. See?

L.

Shinethrough,

That was a much needed and well delivered rebuke. The only reason my Plan B doesn't appear to be working for me is I am not letting it. I have recommitted myself to going completely dark. I am going to let my FIL know that I don't want to know anything about what is going on. I am also going to let him know why. I am also never going to look at her MySpace, email, or bank account again. I want to protect what love is left in my heart for her, and I feel like it can't take many more debits. I am also going to follow through with my plans to move. I have been putting it off, because I thought that she might come back soon.

Well done Ter,
I have been wondering how you have been doing. I am very glad that you came back here and posted so succinctly and received good counsel and are taking that good counsel. You are a very good man and competent at this art of marriage building, regardless of what heppens to this M--know that.

[quote] That was a much needed and well delivered rebuke. The only reason my Plan B doesn't appear to be working for me is I am not letting it. I have recommitted myself to going completely dark. I am going to let my FIL know that I don't want to know anything about what is going on. I am also going to let him know why. I am also never going to look at her MySpace, email, or bank account again. I want to protect what love is left in my heart for her, and I feel like it can't take many more debits. I am also going to follow through with my plans to move. I have been putting it off, because I thought that she might come back soon.
qoote)
Now your talking straight [email]sh@@[/email], this is not going to be an easy task. this is going to be the hardest thing you have ever tried. Why? Because you still love your WW.

Understand, that Plan b is not a somehow miracle act that will somehow recurect(sp) your M. It is the final and desperate act of a BS to turn it all around before D.

This is (sadly) the stage you find yourself in. So in your fianl desperate effort, do it right! If not, you will never forgive yourself, and will always wonder, "could I have done a better job of this?"

Reach out to Mortarman, he did it perfectly and it worked for him.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Ter,

Boundaries are something you establish and that define YOU. They describe who, what and how your are. They never define anyone else or their actions, only your own.

If you try to force your wife to end her affair by threatening her, with divorce, with leaving her, with anything else, that is not enforcement of your personal boundary and is in fact a violation of hers.

However, if you clearly state that you will not continue to live in a love triangle, that is YOUR choice, YOUR boundary and leaves her choices up to her. You state your limit (boundary) and even state the consequences of you boundary being violated (I'll file for LSA), but the boundary has to apply to you and your actions, not hers.

You can't own her stuff, just yours. Boundaries can't be set for others, only ourselves. We can't make someone else responsible for our feelings, wants or needs. And we can't take responsibility for theirs either. This is the idea of boundaries in a nut shell.

If you like to read, two books, both by John Townsend and Henry Cloud: "Boundaries" and "Boundaries In Marriage."

Mark

In the last two weeks things have gone absolutely crazy! It is pretty much my fault, but there is a silver lining.

Even after all the rebukes I received for continuing to follow my WS's relationship after starting Plan B, I could not stop myself. I did not protect the minuscule balance of my love bank, and it finally dropped to zero. When this happened I began actively seeking a divorce. I called my WS and told her about it, and she went crazy. She told me over and over that she didn't want this and wanted to try and work it out. She said that once the OM left, which is supposed to be in another week and half, she was going to tell him it was over. I have had nothing but anger, bitterness, and hatred in my heart for about a week, so I didn't really buy any of it. There was something in me that couldn't just let it go though, because I told her I would be willing to talk if he left now. But if he stayed the original length of time, it was over.

Oddly enough, she agreed to send him away a week early, which means he will leave Wednesday. She has also agreed to NC, but I need to hear that from her mouth not just in an email. Not completely what I wanted but a step in the right direction. Although, I feel like an idiot I have agreed to talk with her after he leaves on Wed. I also am thinking I am going to go stay with her at the next stop on the tour. It looks like it might cost me my job. (Another in a long list of sacrifices on my end.) I originally wanted her to sacrifice her job for me and come home, but I know for a fact she won't do it.

My family and friend think I am a total fool. I feel like a total fool. After all this woman has done to me, I am still going to try and work it out? Is there something wrong with me? I thought I was a strong, independent man, but I feel like I am just a doormat for her muddy feet.

I told her we have to lay down some ground rules or we will just end up yelling at each other every time we talk. I told her to go buy SAA, and that we had to follow the recovery rules. At least this will give us some direction and hopefully protect us from hurting each other further.

I pray God is with me on these very small, turbulent steps to recover. I pray that this anger that is consuming me and makes me want to lash out will subside. I pray that she becomes the woman I married again and not the selfish, ruthless [expletive deleted] she has become.

You are setting yourself up for a possible big disappointment. Plan B lasts until the other person is OUT of the picture. Now you have let her know that you will believe whatever feeble plan she conjures up. And this is the stuff that drains your love bank and makes it more likely YOU will be the one to want the divorce.

And now you want to go stay with her and maybe lose your job???? You are making too many sacrifices, and may resent it later.

What are ALL of your requirements for reconciliation??

Like:

1. NC with OM...FOREVER!
2. Marriage counseling for both of you.
3. IC counseling with a PRO-marriage counselor
4. Read and apply HNHN/SAA to your recovery and affair proof your marriage.
5. As part of that, she now must work to rebuild your trust of her by becoming completely transparent...totally open and honest, accounting for all time and actions for as long as it takes for you to regain your trust in her.

Get some ideas?

I think that Believer and I are trying to say the same thing. You don't end plan B based on a WS's WORDS...you do so based on their ACTIONS that clearly meet the conditions you set in your plan B letter to them.

Conditions like I mentioned above.

Exactly Owl. His wife and OM are living together as of today, and he is giving up the power of Plan B, and making deals for "when the OM is gone", and even thinking of taking the chance of losing his job. YIKES!!!!

I think that there has been a bit of a misunderstanding of what I have done. There is not now and never will be any compromise with NC. The condition of me even speaking to her on Wednesday is that the OM is gone, and she has agreed to NC ever again in any form. I have made no deals outside of that.

The change that occurred to Plan B was that I was ready to divorce her as of last week. The Plan B letter told her that I would agree to talk about working on the marriage if NC occurred. When faced with the divorce she almost immediately made the decision for NC. To me it was very close to too little too late. I was prepared to go through with the divorce no matter what she said. I thought I was completely not in love with her anymore. Something happened though and my heart softened a bit. This lead me to telling her father that I would back off the divorce and give us another chance if she agreed to the conditions in the Plan B letter. So all of Owl's condition list is in place.

As far as my plans to go stay with her at the next stop on the tour go, it was something we had talked about before Plan B began. As far as she knows, I am not going. I have not discussed it with her but have been planning for it myself. It turns out my bosses showed some compassion and are going to let me work from the road.

I hope this is a little more clear.

Plan B is when you send the letter, go dark, and have no contact with your wife. In reading your posts, it doesn't even look like you have started Plan B.

Now she is trying to appease you by sending OM away a week earlier? If she was serious, I would have thought she would have no contact IMMEDIATELY, in a last ditch attempt to prevent divorce.

Be that as it may, now the NC date is proposed for Wednesday........ Are you doing Plan B now, or are you still in contact?

You need to wait to have contact with her until AFTER she has no contact with the other man, AFTER she has written the no contact letter, AFTER she has taken extraordinary precautions (probably quitting her road work and staying home with you), and has agreed to work on the marriage.

IT,

I realize that you are not really going to listen to much of the advice you have been given. Therefore, I am not offering you advice. I am simply going to tell you what I think.

First, what has been suggested to you is a "PROCESS", it is not a fix. The reason that this is important is that even if she shows OM the door this week, YOU won't know if he is coming back and when. Why, because you used divorce as your trump card. It is indeed a powerful card, when you use it once, sometimes twice, but by the third time you are likely to hear "Cool, file."

Your W values her career more than the marriage, that is a fact. She values OM roughly as much as she values you. Even if OM is sent packing this week, she will still be on the road, she is in an environment where affairs are relatively common. How are you going to trust her?

Using plan A,and going into plan B are part of a process of recovery and rebuilding trust and faith in each other. What is your plan for doing this? what is your plan other than to risk your job, not move where you want to live, and chase after her IF she sends OM packing this week?

Young man you need a plan, and you need a detailed plan about how YOU are going to live your life...with or without your W. Work on that plan.

God Bless,

JL