New here, yet confused on what to do...

Separated from wife, OW got pregnant.
Beautiful child, i am not ashamed since wife and I had already filed for divorce.

Its time to sign divorce papers, something makes me deeply sad. Wife wants to get back together, but can;t bear to tell her i fathered child with OW. My OW can see my sadness and is hurt.

Wife and I have problems, but i am not sure if we can sovle them. My dilemna is I want to be good father and stay with child, yet i made a commitment to my wife through marriage which can or can;t be saved, don;t know yet.

Any advice would be great.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

lfcfan...

Stick with us here, weekends can be slow.

It sounds as if you are on the brink of "messing" with quite a few lives here, not just your own...but, then again, you know this I am sure.

What are you seeking by coming here?

Marriage help ? Knowledge that you can be a good father to the child if you so choose to return to your wife?

Be prepared that the knowledge of the child is going to cause great pain for your wife and by being honest with her, there is a real possibility that she may make this decision for you.

Also, in regards to the mother of your child. Were you seeing this woman while in the marriage before seperation?

Please don't mistake my frankness for judgement.. there are many factors to consider, and by being upfront here, you will receive the help you need from people who have lived "this".

Bless you.

Eibrab

Eibrab,
Thanks for your support.
I'm seeking understanding if a marriage has failed, is it best not to look back and stay with the new child and OW, or give the marriage a second chance? I feel guilty of abandoning my wife, but at the same time don;t want to do the same to my child. I have no children with my wife, and we are young (less than 30yrs old).

I was with the OW after being separated, and we had a blessing of a child together. It wasn't planned, but thats the story of this message board...

The divorce was getting ugly at the beginning, and i was fully comitted to moving on happilly with my new woman and child together without looking back.
Now...my wife wants to reconcile, but i can;t bear to tell her of the child. She knows i've been seeing other woman, but wants to work through the mess and stay together. I've been with her for 8 years, married for 3. The marriage was hard from the beginning, no intimacy, no conversation, depression, being taken for granted. I supported her without asking for anything, and one day couldn;t see a light at the end of the tunnel. As soon as we got married, it just disintegrated. With the divorce coming next week, we've been talking and communicating more than we did before the marriage. PArt of me feels emoptionally attacheded to her, but i am not sure if it is guilt and a personal emotional trap of mine about being afraid to let go. We hurt eachother many months ago, yet i still tear up when we speak about the good times and getting back together. I feel like I just left her like a peice of garbage which hurts me, and i've broken a lifelong vow i made infront of everyone and God.

On the other side, i will have a child soon with a woman that is fantastic with me. She is everything I need and an incredible mate. We live together, but have sep apartments right now. I feel so much love for my child, that i don;t want to let her down and always be there for her.

This is hard, but i think i just need to be strong emotionally, as someone is going to get hurt like you said above.

I guess if my marriage was in such a sham, is it worth even going back to "try" to fix things. I donl;t know how much one can change aside from "words and promises".

lfcfan..

Please reread your post. Then, reread it again.

And then, type some more if you wish.

You have no COM(children of the marriage), you did not get along with your W before all of this, and you haven't been upfront with your W during the seperation.

While I am a HUGE fan of saving a marriage, and no expert on the subject..what I do know for certain is that sometimes who we thought was perfect for us at 20 years of age, may not turn out to be the best match at 30, or even 40.

Some people change..some people never do.

IF your GF - and I say GF instead of OW, as I see her as this out of respect for not having seen her break up your marriage - is the person you state..good for you and good to you, and everything your STBXW is not..

Then maybe it is time to move on.

This IS Marriage Builders, but in a way, you have forged ahead with a new marriage of sorts.

I feel badly for both women.

Eibrab

Please help with a bit of confusion...

Is the child born yet as your first post alludes to ? Or are you still waiting for his/her arrival?

Eibrab

lfcfan...

After reading your thread in General, I realize that my advice centered more on the here and now of the facts as you presented them.

I bow to the advice given in general.

Eibrab

Well, you've hooked up with an adulteress who has trapped you with a child. But as you say, she is everything you need, and an incredible mate. Good luck. Your wife deserves someone who can keep their vows.

I agree with Believer.

IF you want to do the work, you can save your marriage (if your wife wants you).

Somehow, tho, from your posts, I don't think you're one to man up to it.

Believe me, I've seen it all and lived through the worst.

If you decide to man up, we will be here...and I'll call TH to help you.

As usual, the choice is yours.

Give your wife a choice for once, tho. She's more than due. Tell her about OC.

You may be projecting and assuming your wife would want you back even with the knowledge of a child with someone else.

She needs to know about your child as soon as possible so that she can regroup and take everything into account, including the fact that you would be paying child support for the next 18 years and that any children you have with her will be affected financially and emotionally with a half sibling being raised elsewhere.

You are also assuming the other woman will allow you to go gracefully and not confront your wife with knowledge of the child you have had/are having together. Not likely to happen. She has a huge stake in the relationship and won't want you to go.

You're afraid to confront her, and you're assuming she'll never know about your child. She'll find out eventually, and if you're the one who tells her, you have a bit more control of its delivery.

lfcfan,

I have some good news for you! You are here with people who can tell you how it is and will be BRUTALY HONEST with you.
Best of all, IT'S FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

Now to be more serious:


I still would not crow about it from the rooftops either!
There is NOTHING wrong with the child, but your actions like mine can be called into question.

Your current wife will be devastated by the news that you have a child with another woman. But I can tell you from experience, it does not mean that she will not want you back. If you are like me, you could be making a huge assumtion that just is not true.

Here another thought to chew on, that naggig feeling you have about your W, here is where I suspect it comes from.

You know you have some responsibility in the breakdown of the M. You may not know exactly what is it is, but it is there, TRUST ME. if you bail now, you are going to have to live with that. Now I don't know all the guilty action both you and your wife have done yet, but I am sure there are things on both sides that are bad. Here are a few examples.

Are we guilty of Selfish Demands?
Are we guilty of Independent Behavior?
Are we guilty of Disrespectful Judgments?

These are the big three that has plagued my M and my W and I are going to keep working on them. This is in addition to me deciding to screw around and knock up another woman. (5 years ago)

If you have no Idea what I am talking about, then I can GUARANTEE YOU that your next relationship with your GF will crash and burn as well.

As far as your child, you have every right to be concerned with it's (I don't know if it is a her or him) welfare. Those things can be worked out and I can tell you how.

If you are truly looking for answers about which way to go, then you have got some reading to do.

Here is a start: Love Busters, then His/Her Needs. Some may say Surviving the Affair, but I'm 50/50 on this one.

I would encourage you to tell more of your story here, most here will be biased to fix your M, some will not. Honestly, I want to hear more before I would way in on it.

TH

Honestly, if you are asking what to do, then I'd say put the d on hold, and get your footing.

But you need to tell your wife about the baby.

I can vouch for this much, nothing your wife decides to do will be as bad as YOU'VE blown it up in your head.

Ask TH. Told him the SAME thing.

lfc~

Gobs of issues here, but hands down, no doubt about it, if there's to be any chance at all with your W, you need to tell her about the OC. Even if you/she didn't want to attempt a reconciliation, you owe it to her to be honest.

I'd start there.

Amen!

Thanks for everyones feedback.

I have put a stop to my divorce, literally at the eleventh hour. I decided not to bail, not to do something stupid without a clear head and knowing all the options and what i want.

Looking back, i do see myselfishness and being unsupportive to my wife to work through our issues. I focussed on the issues as a reason to get out, blaming her family for added tension. I opted for the easy way out, and now feel ashamed it took the road which brought me here. My next step is to come clean with my wife, and see where that takes us.

Please help me understand the "fog", why this has happened and now i look back and think what-the-******. Wife and i had big intimacy issues, barely touching eachother during 3yr marriage. I asked about why, and not for my lack of trying, and she could not explain. My tension built, found another woman, and the rest goes from there. I would be worried that if i return to wife and sex life didn;t even look improved, i'd be running to another woman as a cycle of abuse.

My relationship with OW is on the rocks, and you guys hit it on the nail. My head doesn;t know what it wants and i need to think hard and long about this one. I donl;t know if its her preg hormonses or what, she smells the blood now and is clinging on for dear life. I see myself treating her in the same way i treated my wife before we separated: ignoring, uncooperative, unsupportive, selfish, with little communication. Perhaps unconsciously i am just hoping that it will all go away.

How do you make a relationship with child work after this?
I want to be there for her always, don;t want to miss a minute of those precious moments. Thats the tough part for me.

I have booked my professional counceling in 2w time to lay this out.

I'm shouting to TH to come over here.

He mods on another board that Faithy and I mod on....it's at the bottom of Faith's sig line.

Start reading here. It will explain the fog that you are trying to find your way out of.

Your relationship with OW was ALWAYS on the rocks, you just never knew it. You cannot build a home (relationship) on a foundation of sand (lies).

As for the relationship with a child - the answer is you just do.

It's more work than having the baby 24/7 - but you OPTED for this when you and the OW made her. Whether you realized it at the time or thought it through or not, this was always a potential outcome from your choices.

There is no turning back from that, there is just learning from it and making better decisions from here on out.

My husband and I have custody of his OCs (yes two from the same - ahem - woman). You do what YOU have to do for the well being of your marriage and your child.

Period.

If your wife does not want to work it out with you, so be it...but it's up to you to fix yourself so you never make such poor choices again.

- Kimmy

lfcfan..

With a clearer picture that the OW was truly in the scene at the demise of the marriage, I commend you on trying to sort things out.

I wish you luck.

Eibrab

IFC,

OK, so you want to try with your W. That's a good start.

Now let's find out if she wants to work it out with you. To begin a reconciliation, you both need to be positive about it.
Or as Dr H would say, "Enthusiastic". If not, then don't bother, you will just cause her more pain if you go into this in a halfa$$ kinda way.

Once you dump the bomb on her, you need to stay put with her. She is going to have about a million questions. Answer them HONESTLY. Tell her EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING. DO NOT "PROTECT" HER. She will know if you are holding back and think you are a liar for it.

Next, if she has decided to stay with you and work it out, you need to cut all ties with OW. This does not mean ties with your Girl. But the idea that your going to be a full time dad is just not going to happen. I wished to god I could have my girl more, but it just does not work out that way.

Again, you need to believe this VERY FAST, OW is going to be VERY hurt, then MAD that you decided to stay with your W. Depending on OW, some will just go away (like mine), or they may stock you and your W. In any case, count on paying child support and having limited time with your child IF your W is agreeable. I had a lot of problem getting Policy of Joint Agreement in my head. I'll talk more about this later.

Next, GET DNA for little girl. You need this for court, and while your at it, GET A LAWYER. You are very much going to need that. If you and your W can agree that you two will have contact, then put your guilt over OW in the trash can and protect your visitation rights. Most OW feel that if you are not with them, then you have no right to the children. Think that's not fair, OW's DON"T CARE!!!!!!!!!

Now back to your W. Just be there for her. Hold hands, and if you mean it, tell her you love her. Be there to hold her for hours on end. Just be together. Don't get your self all workup just yet if she say NO CONTACT with the child. RIGHT NOW, just be there for her. You have time to deal with child issues. In fact, you have a lifetime, so get it strait with the W first.

Last but not least, get the books I posted about. If nothing else, they will help you in ANY relationship you may be in.

TH

Ah.

The grasshopper has become the sensei.

Ah so.

Bowing to TH.

TH - I've seen so much growth in you. It's a long way from where you were 14 months ago.

Thank you for stepping into the process of growth. I know we weren't easy on you. You have earned the respect of a seasoned veteran here!

TH,

How did you get through the fog, specifically on fathering a child with the OW? In my case, my W and I have no children in our 3-yr marriage. I feel still trapped in a fog of confusion, more so to the well being of my-to-be child. I just feel depressed knowing that i will not have the relationship with my daughter that i envisioned, before she is even born.

How do you explain to the children later about the OW/W situation, without harming them?

I addressed situation with OW that relationship built on sand, not foundation. ****** breaks loose now...she is trying to cling like velcro. I will always be there for daughters needs though.

Plan to "man-up" this weekend to wife about everything. Head is clearing somewhat now, and I am more understanding of my fault for getting lost in fog. Lots of reading too this weekend!

First personal counseling appointment on Tuesday.