My WH thinks know one can understand how he feels because no one has ever been in this sitch.

The OW's W/BH committed suicide in March. They had met for lunch that day & she told him she was going through with the divorce & it had nothing to do with my WH, whom she wasn't seeing at that time. She told him she was tired of the way he'd treated her & would never come back to him. He killed himself right in front of her at the gate to the plant where my WH works. My WH was not there at the time but neither of them knew that. This man had threatened suicide many times during their 29 year marriage, even to putting the gun to his head to get her to do what he wanted.

My WH thinks that no one has ever had to deal with this before & therefore can't understand how he feels. He feels responsible for the suicide, that he caused it because he had an A with OW. He feels he owes her something because of it.

If anyone has ever been this sitch before, please let me know. I will let him read any & all posts about this question. He needs to know he's not alone & that there is someone who he can talk to.

He does owe her something. A hearfelt apology for ever participating in such immorality, deception, fraud, and devestation that resulted in a human being so distraught that they killed themselves. He owes her a committment to never ever do this again to with anyone else and hurt another family the way he hurt his and hers. He owes her an apology for being selfish, blind, immoral, and not strong enough to have done the right thing. He owes it to her to leave her the ****** alone.

hunny, let him feel the pain of his actions. I just would like to say...just like BS aren't the blame or cause of WS affairs.....you're H is not the blame of this man's (This man had threatened suicide many times during their 29 year marriage) suicide...you want to blame someone, blame OW...its her job to do everything in her power to make her H happy , and him her....however instead, she slap him with an affair.

siigghhhhhh....I would rather H be more empathetic to your pain instead of OW's pain...I know there's a death involve...maybe i'm just too cold hearted.

frankly...he IS at least partially responsible for the suicide of the BH.
He does owe her something and that is the grace enough to never darken her doorstep again...he will forever be a reminder of what she has allowed to happen.
The OW and your H are most likely at an elevated risk for suicide themselves right now having to live with the guilt of what they have done.
My question is for you here...how do you feel living with a man that created such turmoil in another's life that it resulted in a suicide? There is no judgement there...just an honest question if this is causing you any issues.

WB10...and it is her WH's job to not sleep with another man's wife. Just because he did not have vows with this man does not mean he did not have an obligation to be respectful of the union they formed...he is every bit as guilty as the OW.

Hope and Pray is right on with this. He is responsible as she is. His immoral behavior with another immoral person resulted in the death of an innocent party. He does NOT owe the OW any support. He owes you the apology for the mess he has made. He owes her an apology for his own indecent and selfish behavior in interacting with her.

I was very close to this point myself as many BS's here have been. My children are the reason I'm still here. Would the OW have cared about my weakness, or the total destruction her actions, along with my WH's in the destruction of mine or my children's lives? Noo.

The lesson learned?? It depends on how grown up your WH wants to be, His actions have consequences and he shouldn't compound them by wanting to continue to "Help his friend".

FTS

Well, he is partially responsible. He caused this man enormous pain by screwing his wife. Cruel actions do have consequences, and sometimes this is one of them.

He can't make it up to the man, of course, because he is dead, but perhaps he could set up a trust fund for the man's children since they no longer have a father?

Now HERE'S a subject I don't want to even touch.

Their children are grown. One son married, the other on the run from the law.

This man had used suicide to control her. Every time she didn't do what he wanted or she threatened to leave when she caught him with another woman, he would put a gun in his mouth & tell her he would pull the trigger. He had planned this suicide for 2 weeks.

I guess I'm hard-hearted but I felt like this was his final act of control over her. Yes, my WH is partially responsible, I guess, for having an A with his wife. But I also believe life is about choices & you don't make that kind of choice for anyone. My WH had asked her repeatedly to go back to her H when it all came out. She chose not to.

As far as I'm concerned, not much sympathy since he threatened to do it in my front yard in front of my daughter & I. I'm mad because he controls from the grave this way.

sorry...those details in no way excuse your H from his part in killing this man. And how do YOU know her H used suicide to control her??? Because she said so???? I mean where else could those details come from??? And I wouldn't take the word of that OW under any circumstances.

Lost...

The only "solution" for your WH here is to live a life of what is right, just, good and true from now on...That would include honoring his wedding vows...NOT honoring them is what has landed him in this position in the first place...

All WS's feel they "owe" something to the OP at first...Your WH is not unique or special one bit regarding that...It is the nature of the beast...There is not one thing he can do to bring this man back...No amount of being with the OW will ever fix this situation...In fact, he'd do best to remember that he will NEVER be able to distance himself from that tragedy while with her...I guarantee you that it would be thrown in his face for YEARS to come if he remained with her...She'll likely be looking for a place to lay her own guilt for sometime, and he would be the BEST target for that...

Seriously, honoring his rightful commitments before God is the ONLY way to go here...

On the "trust fund" idea...Hmmm, well here are a few thoughts on that...(1) Something like that would be a POJA issue with you-doing that would be taking money from YOUR family and only you could deem how comfortable you would be with that arrangement-personally, I wouldn't dig it...(2) If you were to be okay with it, he'd want to buy an annuity that would just pay the children...a trust fund he would have to manage, which would keep you all wrapped up with that sitch for years to come-not good, IMO...(3) You have to ask and wonder how the children would feel about this "blood money"...personally I would have a hard time spending it...I honestly wouldn't want it, but that's just me...dunno...

Anyway, FWIW, those are my thoughts as a FWS myself...

Mrs. W

sorry to hammer home the point...but do you have first hand knowledge of the Om's affairs? First hand??? Could this not be the lies and justifications of a lying, cheating and heartless OW???

>I'm mad because he controls from the grave this way.


I'm mad because wh and ow are using this to justify their continued poor choices.

They are using the EXACT same emotional extortion that the deceased did....

Which makes it just as appalling, if not more so, since in all reality NO ONE CONTROLS ANOTHER PERSON FROM THE GRAVE (that's just crazy talk, imo).

"the dead guy made me do it"

Yeah, right.

removed

Dang... a lot of people posted when I was writing that! I agree, it's no justification for them to continue an A. He was unstable, she knew it. She holds more accountability than him, but your H does own some of it.

Oh yeah... and your H is lucky he's still alive too. Her H could have gone on a shooting rampage. You'd think it would scare him into wanting to stay away from situations like this.

IMHO,

There is only one person who can make a decision to take their own life. Certainly the actions of this man's WW and your WH contributed to the circumstances that led him to make this decision, but the decision was his alone.

The OW in my sitch threatened suicide and exposure to me everytime my FWH attempted to end the A. This went on for 4 months before he finally had enough and told her he didn't care what she did, it was over.

Far as I know the cow is still stealing air somewhere in California, probably screwing some other womans husband right now.

Your FWH needs to stop worrying about OW and show some concern for the one he vowed to love, honor, and cherish. Sure, he feels some remorse for the guys suicide, and he should, but continuing to "be there" for OW would be just another in a series of bad decisions that are ruining innocent lives.

JMHO,

Who

This man had used suicide to control her.

oh horse feathers.....she wasn't under the control of anyone past the first suicide threat....

this is bullpucky.

blah blah..first time someone pulls a gun out I'm calling the police...and from the millisecond on I am not ever ever ever being in the same environment with the moron with a gun or access to guns...

PERIOD>....

after that first time she was a willing participant in a sick twisted game of roulette...

she volunteered...
she had children with the nut case
she is NO victim haunted from the grave..
she put up with and then added crap upon crap..

his affair.....her affair...his affair...her affair...




infact why YOU haven't called the police on your own husbands suicide threat is beyond me...

guess when things get tough he's learned how to control you and play the suicide card...

your husband needs serious intervention
NOW
TODAY

call the police

ARK

I don't know either, its a tough situation and there are lots of factors that would have to be considered. For me, if I had contributed to someone's suicide, I would hope to find a way to make just compensation. [instead of making excuses about why the sorry SOB deserved it anyway, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I am NOT impressed by that] And maybe the only just compensation is to stay away and live a faithful, decent life. That may be the answer here. Who knows? But I would hope I would sincerely seek ways to make just compensation in earnest.

I once knew a lady in AA who, while drunk, backed out over an 18 month old baby girl and killed her. Of course, the baby shouldn't have been outside under her car, but she still felt responsible for it and may very well have noticed the baby if she hadn't been drunk. There was no way she could ever bring that baby back or ever fully compensate those devastated parents, but she did set up a trust fund for their other child and did everything in her power to compensate those people.

But, if I were Lost's H I would feel guilty too. That is not a bad sign, but a sign of decency. That is his conscience saying "this really sucks and I don't appreciate it!" Which will help him think long and hard about screwing around with someones wife again.

Whome...would you feel that way if this was a rape victim that killed herself as a result of the trauma inflicted on her? I think most people would be empathetic to the rape victim...the DECISION was his alone...I agree...but the people that caused the trauma that drove him to that act are culpable.

My personal values would not allow me to remain married to a person that was at a minimum partially responsible for the death of another. Even if the OW is to be believed here and this man threatened suicide for 25 years...which again, I don't believe anything that comes from the yap of a WS...amazing how he survived until this OM came along and pushed him over the edge.

If someone is going to kill you with a gun, the police will merely be there to draw you a chalk outline.

My wife chose to have me killed with a truck, even though she and her OM has guns and the police were useless as in so many other situations.

Being aware of your situation and surroundings is far better than relying on big brother.