Just an update.

WH has decided he just doesn't want to be married anymore, nothing to do with OW, just doesn't want to be committed to anyone. OK, fine. We can do a DIY divorce in this state. He has the papers, I signed the waiver so he won't have to have me served. He won't file for various & sundry reasons: don't want to be alone, don't want to spend the money, can't get off work in time to file, etc. I've offered to file the papers for him since I'm off tomorrow.

We are still waiting to hear about the job. I hope we hear today or tomorrow. Have an offer on the house but it's contingent on the buyers' house selling, if we take it.

WH admits he wants to be with someone else & would be happier with someone else. He's been really down & I found out why. He texted her about her son when he found out. She texted back that she was fine & appreciated his concern. Nothing more so he says that tells him she doesn't want him back & has moved on with her life. Severe withdrawal now since that message. MIL says he needs to go be by himself until he straightens his life out. I agree with her.

Financially, we're both strapped until this house sells. If he gets the job, he can afford a place for him to stay & still pay the house note until it sells. Finally got the insurance check & paid my car off but still owe a couple hundred on it. Driving a 91 Chevy Cavalier with almost 300,000 miles on it because I can't afford anything new right now.

Basically, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I woke up, I'm 41 yrs old, last child soon to be out of the house & all the things I was looking forward to have been snatched out of my hands, leaving me with no plans on how to go on. I'm depressed. No insurance so now that I'm out of AD's, don't know what to do. Trying to make the best of a bad sitch.

I know I'm whining. But today I need to do that. Don't have a handbook to tell me how I'm supposed to act in this kinda sitch: divorcing but living together. When I answer marital status questions do I say married or separated/divorced? Doesn't want to tell friends until it actually goes through. Doesn't want to sit down & tell kids because he thinks they will hate him. I told him he could tell them that he just doesn't want to be married & that it doesn't have anything to do with OW. But everything to do with MLC. A friend told me that 23 years after she & her H married, he was 44, they went through the same thing, MLC & A with OW. She told me that if she had to do it all over again, she would've cut him loose sooner, not fought as long as she did to hang on. Their youngest was 12 & they were divorced 6 yrs before remarrying. They stayed connected because of the kids. We don't have that because our kids are grown. But since her H & my WH have basically the same personality (she & I have talked about how much they are alike), she advises to cut him loose now. She thinks he will be back, just like her's did, eventually.

My WH asked why I kept fighting to hang on. I told him that I'm not fighting to hang on anymore & haven't for a while. I'm fighting to let go, to give him the freedom he wants & learn to live with the freedom I'm getting. That I don't want this marriage to end. That I want a better life with him. He says he wants me to be happy & my comment was that if he really wanted that he would give me what I really want & not a divorce. I understand he can't give me that right now. He says he thinks I will be & he knows he will be, happier with someone else. I know different. I want him to move on until either he decides he can give me the marriage & life I want or I meet someone who does. I see that since that last text message, he is in deep withdrawal, because I think he really believes she won't take him back. She will but with conditions that I know he won't want to meet. Not my problem.

One of my BF's thinks that I'm crazy for continuing to take care of him knowing he's going to divorce me. But in my heart I know that the D can be continued for many months & can be stopped at any time. In my heart, I feel that the separation for the 6 months of his probation at this job, will be a good thing for both of us. He can be alone to work through his personal demons & get past the confusion of the MLC & I can be alone to repair the damage done by this whole soap opera I've been living in. I can't stop taking care of him as long as he's living with me. It's not only because I should because it's a good plan A, but also because I don't really know how to stop, I've done it for so long. The couple of things he don't let me do for him anymore, I miss doing. But I do other things that he will let me do.

Facing empty nest & divorce at the same time is no fun. It's hard for me to see the bright side when so much is dark right now. I had so many plans for my future after the kids were gone. And now that's all been taken away from me. I know I can go on without him, I'm just not sure how because so much of what I wanted was with him. I sure hope I don't wake up in another 2 or 3 yrs & I'm in MLC. If that happens, they might as well lock me up til I'm sane again.

I hope in 6 months I'm back here with a story of recovery. But if not, I know I can come here to chat, vent & cry with ya'll until I work my way through this nightmare.

Thanks for listening to me. For telling me your stories. For every little ounce of advice to help me through this. Thanks for being there.

(((((lost)))))

I'm so sorry.
Sounds like a pretty miserable place to be right now.

((((((hugs)))))))

I think everyone here can identify with the whole "How did I wake up with this as my life" feeling. Sux!


Hang in there.

-AmI.

I'm not convinced that you're having the intended Plan A effect, or even the effect that you think you're having.

I think that your Plan A has recently been sabotaged by all the crazy circular R talk and justifications that he gets you to buy into, and by your own pretty good case of floor-mat-itis. (I've had that a lot before -- it's pretty common.) Add to that the whole thing about handing him D papers and then even nagging him to get them filed .... I don't think any of that is going to give your the results you're looking for.


I think it's way past time for you to take some action for yourself and quit letting him and circumstances and everything else dictate what happens to you. He's SOOOOO good at dragging you down into the mud with him. You even justify it and defend him for it.

He's moping aroudn about his mistress, and treating you like dirt and being a jerk, and you defend him with "Withdrawl". He wants to D, but doesn't want anyone to know that it's because he's a jerk, so you cover up for him with the MLC excuse. He wants to "be free" one minute, so you let him go, and then he "doesn't want to be alone" so you give him a soft place to land ... letting him crush you in the process.

When does he have to face any consequences? When are you going to get yourself out of the misery wallow? Aren't you tired of all that yet?

I think that you should quit waiting on some possible potential job ... tell him he made his decision, he's continuing to hurt you, and you have decided not to allow it anymore, so it's time for him to leave! Now! And if he won't, then you will.

And if you want D papers filed, then I think you should stop waiting for him to decide if he's going to bother to file .... and just go do it yourself -- for youreslf, not as a favor to him (I don't quite get that).

Take away the excuses and justifications -- yours and his. Stand up and take some control. Why do you keep helping him destroy everything that you want to hold on to? And why do you want to help him cover up the destruction he's brought onto your family?

Get your support system in place, start talking to friends and family and everyone and let them know what's going on. Find somewhere to go until he gets out of the house and GO THERE. And get yourself into a good Plan B.

Otherwise, you're just helping him twist that knife deeper and deeper into your own chest.

Ouch!

-AmI.

AmI,



Probably not. But I'm keeping up with the changes I've made & doing for him the things he still likes me to do, such as getting up with him & fixing his lunch. I try to spend as much time with him as he will let me. I try not to bring up OW unless, like in the case of the news, I can't avoid it. Like I said once before, I'm only thinking about begging her to take him off my hands, I won't really do it. When I do something I didn't do before, if he comments I just look at him & say that this is how I am now & I'm not going to change back. I'm thinking he can live with it or leave.



I haven't nagged him about the D papers. I have sat down with him to divide up things & get our agreements about bills & stuff on paper, because without it being written down, it's verbal & agreement would be his word against mine. Those are his excuses I get when we sit down to discuss division of property.




Yeah, he's moping. But from what I've read here that is normal for a WS in withdrawal & that until he gets through that, we can't even begin recovery. The MLC excuse is because I've talked to so many people I know personally who've BTDT. I don't mean for it to sound like an excuse, it just seems to me to be a fact. And I guess I thought I was showing him that being with me was a good place to be. Funny how you see things differently when someone else draws the picture.

He has brought up things to me lately that give me reason to think he has some serious issues. There are things he's told me lately that show me that he has some deeply rooted problems that he's never brought out in the open & dealt with concerning his past, before I came along. I get the feeling that in the back of his mind, when he married me, he thought I would make the demons go away without him ever having to deal with them. Not a good thing to do, especially since he was helping me conquer my own demons at the time.

I've realized that we taught our DDs that they should never rely on anyone to make them feel good about themselves. That they should not worry about what others think, only what they think about themselves. My WH has been really good at getting that point across to them. They are good girls & will be good wives & mothers someday. They don't worry about anyone making them happy but depend on themselves to do what makes them happy. My WH & I didn't practice what we preached. Well, I eventually did but he never has. Seems he's always relied on someone else to make him feel good about himself. Shouldn't be that way.

Since I'm not qualified to pick his brain, he needs to find someone who can help him with that.




I'm not covering it up. HE doesn't want anyone told but I'm telling everyone anyway. When he said something to me about it, I told him I wasn't going to lie about it & the truth needed to be out anyway. Why pretend everything's ok when it's not. He's the one who won't tell anyone. I tell everyone I talk to.




You're probably right about that. Some days I think I do pretty good. Then some days I think the reality sets in with me & I go back to being a floor mat.

Most of my problem today is realizing that my DD#2 will soon be gone. She won't need me as much as she used to. And I'm realizing that all the things I was looking forward to when she was gone, that I thought would help me not feel so empty, has been taken away. All the dreams I had of finally having alone time with my H, something we've not had much of in our marriage, are not to be. Our first year of marriage, I was 17 & still in high school, was hectic. I was finishing school, we had bills to pay, he was the only one working, 4 months into our marriage I got pregnant with DD#1 & there was no time or money for us to do things as a couple. That's what I was so looking forward to was the chance for couple time, for us to re-connect & do all the things we wanted to do when we first got married.

Like I said, I'm feeling depressed & whiny today. Needed someplace to do that so I don't do it at home to DD or WH.




I'm doing that. I'm looking for a place to live. My BF is a realtor & she's trying to help me find some place I can afford. But I'll do better after the house sells & I have some money to deal with bills & things. Now that football season's over, I can get a second job to get some of my debt paid off. I wanted to wait til then because this is DD#2's senior year & I didn't want to miss a single game she performed in. Due to my boss having surgery, I had to miss her performance at a state contest. It seems to be all piling up on me this week.

I've accepted the fact he wants a D. I'm learning to live with that. But, it seems to me, that all of a sudden the roof's falling in. Probably because of my running out of ADs & can't get anymore.

And it seems that the more I accept the D & discuss it calmly like an adult with him, the more it bothers him & he seems to want to put it off. His mother says she's seen people, men & women, in the same state of confusion he's seems to be in. And some have not had A's, just didn't know what they wanted, which says MLC to her also. Or as she calls it, "the change of life". I know now why she only went for older men after she divorced my WH's bio father. The next man I date will be at least 10 years older than me. And if I think he's in a MLC & that's why he's dating me, I'll drop him like a hot potato. Ain't going through this again EVER!!!! As for WH, just because he's giving me excuses & justifying his problems, doesn't mean I'm buying into them. That's just what he's saying, I keep telling him that we can have a good marriage if we both work on it. And something that's recently started is his telling me all the good things he does see in me, what he likes about me, even to telling me that maybe I do make him happy but he's just to dumb to see it. He thanks me for things I do for him. And I copied something from NZgirl's thought for the day about God speaking to us in the silence. He put it in his billfold so he can see it every time he opens it. When his mother talks to him, she thinks he's not listening but something always sticks in his brain. He'll talk to me about it & I know then that something someone has said has gotten through to him & given him something to think about.

Thanks for the hugs. I really needed them. I know it doesn't look much like I'm trying. But I'm trying harder that you know not to let this pull me down. Some days are better than others. Today was not one of those better days. I've been blue since I got up this morning. I look forward to tomorrow being better.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you aren't trying!! It does look like you're trying, in fact, it usually looks like you're kicking and swimming with all your might! I just worry sometimes that you start swimming yourself deeper into more hurt than towards the surface. It's pretty easy to get turned around when there's a crazy WS talking you in circles. And he's pretty adept at talking in circles!!

That's why I think it's so important for you to find a way to get into Pan B in a huge hurry and not wait on circumstances (someone else's house to sell so yours can sell, H's job, football season, bills, whatever) to line up and "get you there". Did you ever read Rin's thread? For a long time, she and her two boys all shared one guest bedroom at a friend's house, just so she could get away from her STBX. I think your H and his rollercoater are just adding to your depression, hurt, defeated-ness ..... and thatif it goes on too much longer, you're just going to end up completely ground into dust, with no love left for him and no strength left for yourself.


I'm not trying to lecture you -- I'm not enough of a pro to be able to do that -- I'm just worried about you.

-AmI.

Thanks! I need someone to worry about me right now. And sometimes, when I go back & read what I've posted, I think I'm not trying very hard.

Sooooooo, here goes.

Friday, 11-9-07, WH filed for divorce. I was off work so, in order to get this over with, I took the papers to the courthouse with the money & filed them.

Am I good with that??? NO!!! I'm not good with it. I don't want this. I've had a sick feeling since Friday. It won't go away. I've been told by many people I know who've been through D, that when it's filed, you feel either relieved or sick. If it's the right thing to do, you're relieved, like a big weight has been lifted off your shoulders. If it's not the right thing to do, you feel sick. I feel sick because I know it's not the right thing for me. WH was sick to the point of throwing up Friday, but in typical WS fashion, he blamed it on something going around. He doesn't know if he feels good or bad about the D. People he's asked say you never feel good about D. But I haven't met anyone who thought that. I was crying when he got home Friday & he asked me if I was ok. I told him no, I was not ok & I was not good with this, that it's happening because he wants it & not because I want it. It's about him not me. He hugged me while I cried & I told him again I don't want this.

My MIL made the suggestion that we rent out our house until it sells. That way we can get out from under the payments & separate. I discussed that with him Friday evening. It's a viable alternative to living together until it sells. He thinks maybe it would be a good idea so I called my realtor BF & told her. She also thought it would be a good idea.

I told him that we needed to do it that way because we needed to not be in the same house. He agreed.

We talked about the kids. He talked about how we raised the kids to understand that we knew they had to make & learn from their own mistakes. He said if this is his mistake, he has to make it & learn from it. He also said that if he doesn't feel good about the D in January, when it's due to be heard by the judge, he will postpone it for a while. That will also be his choice. And he agreed that if (I said when) he came back to me, it would be because he was ready to do whatever it took to make it work & to make things right between us. I told him that was the only way I would ever take him back.

In 3 weeks, on 11-29, I will be 42 years old. My baby is graduating high school this year & making plans to move on with her life. All the plans I had for my life have been snatched out of my hands. Everything I looked forward to is gone. I had plans to re-connect with my H, do the things we never got to because we've always had kids, spend couple time with him, start doing things I've not been able to do before now. We'd been married 4 months when I got pregnant with DD#1. I'm not dealing very well with empty nest & suddenly single life. I knew I could handle it with my H by my side. But now I don't have that. The world looks very scary right now. I hate the thought of dating again.

But, I would like to find someone who's not looking for a serious relationship right now. Someone I can have fun with until I get past the wanting my H back. Someone who'll treat me like a lady, hold doors for me, give me a hug without me having to ask for one. But not right away.

My DD#2's last half-time performance with the flag corp was Friday night. I sat with WH, watched & smiled with tears streaming down my face. It's so hard watching her, filled with life & fun & seemingly unaffected by knowing it's her last year in high school. Wish I could be the same way.

I'm having a hard time deciding what to do with the rest of my life. Can't seem to figure out what to do now that all my plans have changed. And yet, WH seems to be unaffected by all this. As if it's no big thing to walk out of my life after 25 years. I wish I could be that way.

My MIL tells me that I'll be alright. I know she's right, but it doesn't help the hurt. WH told me he needed to find out who he is & what makes him tick & he needs to be un-attached to do it. Because of some of the things he's asked me about God, my MIL says he's running from God. She told me that God will only allow that so long & then He won't mess with you anymore until you come back to Him. She could be right. She's been through a lot in her life. She understands how I feel because she's been where I'm at. She did tell WH that I've not trashed him to her, like he thought.

He left Friday night to go to the deer lease. I've not heard from him since he left. It almost feels like he's not coming back. I almost hope he won't. I know it's not my place to ask why this is happening to me. I keep reminding myself that there's a reason for everything & God never gives us more than we can handle. But I still wish I had a crystal ball so I could see the future. I'd feel better knowing how things turn out.

Lost,

Would you consider that you feel sick because of your choice to take the money and the papers and file them?

Would you feel differently if you hadn't made that choice?

LA

LA,



No & No. I've been feeling kinda sick since he decided to D me. I haven't tried to talk him out of it because I know I can't reason with him. I also know that I can't live with him until the D is final.

I wouldn't feel differently because my sanity is at stake right now. I'm going crazy trying to deal with all of this. Some friends of mine, whom I think very highly of, have BTDT & have told me that if he's decided to go ahead with it, don't let him drag it out. If he wouldn't file then do it for him. Because if I don't, he will continue to make excuses & put it off until I'm in a rubber room.

He has a hard time understanding how I feel. I sent him a text message Thursday. It said,"I've been thrown into the depths of ****** where I'm drowning in a sea of insanity." It's a pretty good description of how I feel.

I feel like I've been on the world's roughest roller coaster. It's beat me to death til I'm battered & bruised from head to toe. I want to get off now. I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm scared & I'm frustrated.

I think sometimes he really does try to understand. But then the fog drops back down & he's the WH again. I hope I don't wake up at 44 or 45 yrs old & wonder why I'm where I am. Wake up confused as to where I want my life to go. I don't think I will. Many people told me that since I got married at 17, I would be the one who would get tired of marriage & want the single life I missed out on. I've never felt that way. I've never missed anything.

No, I'm sick because I know, after much prayer, that this is not what I want. I filed in February & dismissed it in April because I knew in my heart that God did not want me to go through with it. I don't think this is what He wants for me now. But I'm trying to get through this. I'm sick because I still love him & want a life with him.

My opinion? I think he was sick because it's not what God wants him to do. But he has to find that out for himself. I think that's also why he don't know how he feels about it. My BF told me that when she finally filed, it was a relief because her H had pushed her to the point that she had no love left for him. Another friend of mine said the same thing. When the love is truly gone & D is the right decision, there is a big feeling of relief. I still love my H & I think that's why I'm sick & not relieved.

But this has all been about his selfish needs. None of this is about me. I know what I want, who I want in my life & where I want to go. But if I have to go on alone, I will have to take another path in life.

I didn't have a good weekend.

I'm really down right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

In my heart, I don't want this D. In my heart, it's not the right thing for me. I still love him.

But this is not about me. It's about WH. What he wants, what he thinks is best for him.

The house is now for sale or rent, whichever comes first. Hopefully rent, so we can move out. It's too painful being in the same house with him every day. I don't think he understands or cares.

He doesn't want us to tell the girls about the D because he thinks it's none of their business. We're about to tear their family apart & it's none of their business????<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I just needed to get these words out of my head for now.

oh, (((((((lost)))))))

I'm sorry.

Those days are awful.

He's made his choices, now it's your turn to make your own choices. You get to decide what your goals are and what you want, you don't have to play along with him.

If you don't want the D, then you don't have to cooperate with it.

And him not wanting to tell the girls doesn't mean you have to keep this painful truth to yourself. He doesn't get to decide what you tell the girls. Your choice whether to share the truth of their situation with them or not. I'm in for sharing truth, I believe it's important for people to know the truth so that they are able to make their own choices.

I think that renting out the house is a great idea. You said it's too painful being in the house with him -- do you have anywhere else you can stay for a little while? Take away some of that pain?

Are there any clubs or organizations that you can get involved with to help distract you a little bit? What aobut a DivorceCare class? (I took one, we didn't D, but the class was HUGELY beneficial to me anyway -- taking the class does not mean that you WILL neccessarily D. But it will help you find some friends who are in a similar situation.)


I don't have any good advice, but it seems like a good IRL support system is in order right now, including your DD's, whether he likes it or not.


Hang in there.

-AmI.

AmI,

Thanks for the hug. I needed that.

I will tell the girls. They deserve to know. And my MIL is a big help when I talk to her. I'm trying to get my Plan B letter down on paper so I can give it to him when he leaves.

Meanwhile, I know OW is still waiting for him. Nothing confirmed except that she knows about the D. He had to tell her because no one else would. But she is making sure she has plenty of fun in the meantime. And she's braver than I am, meeting strangers off the internet. Oh well!!

I've been invited to a friend's for Thanksgiving & a trip to the zoo with her & her DS (he's 16 mnths) on the Friday after. I may take her up on it. I need to get out of town & she lives about 4 hours away.

We'll see.

How does it make you feel to know so much about the OW? You know that Plan B means that you will need to have NC with her, too, right? Including not getting reports about her life and what she's doing, etc. Where are you getting all this info, anyway? Is it really helpful, or is it distracting? For me, I wouldn't have done well knowing all this stuff. I had enough to deal with just trying to stay sane myself and not kill my H during that horrible still living together time.

It amazes me that she thinks someone who will abandon his wife and family is such a prize that she'll "wait" for him -- and that he thinks she's such a prize that he'll abandon his family for her, but doesn't care that she's still "cheating" on him in the meantime. Yuck.


How did your girls react? I think you're smart to teach them not to allow a man to treat them this way. It's too bad that their dad is trying to teach them that it's ok.

The Thanksgiving plan sounds good. What are you going to do for the actual Thanksgiving day? Could be a great chance for Plan B to really take some effect for him -- realizing he has no family around him for the holiday because of his choices. Can you be in Plan B by then?

How are you doing today?

Thinking of you!

-AmI.

I'm sorry, lost.


A good time to go to Plan B - while you still have some love left. And you don't have to lift a finger for the D. Let your WH do the work. Why you did the filing of *his* papers would be a very good question for you to explore.


A divorce is about the whole family. Your H is making everything about him because he is still completely wayward and self-centered.


This proves how out of touch he is with anyone but himself. Of course you have to tell the girls.

Do try not to dwell on the OW. She's not worth your valuable time. You're getting good advice from AmiOk.

Take care.

PK

I don't really feel bad about it. And, yes, when Plan B starts I will have NC with her, too. I won't ask & I'm getting that info because I ask. I don't know if it's helpful except that I know she's waiting on him to an extent.

As far as the girls go, we haven't told them yet. WH has agreed to tell them together. He has also told me that he will move to his mother's & live in the camper. Which will be good for us. It won't cost him alot to live there, just water & electricity which won't be much. And maybe being where he can talk to her will be good for him.

Thanksgiving. Well, I got a call from DD#1 this morning. We are going to have Thanksgiving supper together, just the 4 of us. The girls want it & so do we. I think it might be good. Then when he moves to his mother's, Plan B goes into effect. I can handle that.

Probably wasn't advisable, but we had a long talk about lots of things last night. I talked to him about my EA from 21 yrs ago. Well, WH says PA because I did kiss the guy. Don't remember his name or what he looked like now. But when I realized then that I was getting attached to someone who was not my husband, it only lasted 3 weeks, I backed off, NC & stayed with my WH. He did find out about it, 4 months after it was ended. He's never gotten over that. But I was being completely honest with him about all of it that I could remember. And suddenly my parents came into it, WH telling me that I'd better let my parents know, since they can't stand him for cheating on me, that I'm no saint & did the same to him many years ago. I just looked at him & asked how my parents came into a conversation that was strictly about us. I know they never accepted him like they accepted my SIL. But I never needed their approval. And I still won't. I'm the one who will have to live with whoever I choose to have in my life, long after they're gone. I want someone who meets my approval.

Some things came out on my side & his. Things that we hadn't really talked about before. And I think we did this to clear the air. My parents approval is apparently something that he can't put in the past, & part of it is probably because of his guilt. He has a lot of rage & hatred against his bio father, which he thinks he won't be able to let go of until his father dies or he confronts him. And he may be right. These are his demons & he needs to let them go.

The D came up & I told him that for me D was not the right thing to do & not what I wanted. He asked if it was right for him & I told him I couldn't answer that, only he could. I said that if it wasn't right for him, he would know & if it was a mistake, he would have to make it & learn from it.

It came out how hurt he is by OW. She told him when he came home to me that she would never love anyone else & he told me how much it hurt that she was with someone else. I didn't get angry. I only told him that I understood that hurt because he had told me that he would never love anyone like he loved me & then he did. His reply was he was glad I understood that hurt. He doesn't want her to know about the D, or anyone else for that matter. He doesn't want anyone to know until it's finalized. Says anything can happen in 2 months. I don't think it will change anything but who knows.

He told me that he wanted me to find someone who would treat me right & be good to me, that he thinks I will be happier without him. I told him that I don't believe I'll be happier without him because I don't want to D him. But if any man I find, mis-treats me, he will make their life a living He[[. But he hopes that anyone I find, Decker (our wienie dog) bites him in the b*[[s!! I thought that was funny. A hint of jealousy that he won't admit to.

We didn't argue & any time he told me he needed this D, I just told him I believed we could have a good marriage & I didn't want the D. He did say that he hoped we eventually got back together & that when & if we did, we were both different people.

I wonder if confronting his bio father now, while he's still living, would help him lay that demon to rest. He does carry a lot of anger over him. The story's very long & involved.

We talked about God & how to know when He's talking to you. He asked me what I would say if he told me, hypothetically, that God told him to D me. I said I would ask how he got that answer. That turned into a lot of hypothetical questions & answers. I told him that I believe, me personally, that God doesn't talk to you like we were talking to each other. That my reluctance to do something or my feeling that I was making a mistake, was how God told me I was doing the wrong thing. When he told me that God was destroying his life, I told him I didn't believe that. That we destroy our own lives, God gave us free will & we can choose to go against what He wants. I asked him if he felt he'd been abandoned by God or if he felt he'd become disconnected from God. He thought about it & said he didn't know & I said no more, leaving it for him to think about. This thing about God seems to be him warring with himself about his faith. Something he'll also have to resolve on his own. I'm just giving him things to think about.

I know, a long post. But I felt good after we talked last night. I didn't LB, didn't tell him how he felt, just asked him his thoughts & feelings. Repeated to him what he'd said so I would understand. It went well. Except for the death thing. It came out again that he won't be alive for long & for me to keep that in mind. Wouldn't say he wanted to commit suicide but just to remember what he said about him dying. I don't know what to make of that.

I'm trying to keep my chin up. Trying to get through these next 60 days. Hoping it'll all turn out well as soon as we separate. Wouldn't it be nice sometimes, if we could turn love on & off like a faucet? It would sure help the hurt, I think.

pk,

Thanks.



I think I did it because he is working long hours & can't get to the courthouse. Because I think he's pretty set on it right now that it's what he wants. I'm fighting an uphill battle that, at this point in time, I can't win. And I think I maybe did it so he would see that I tried to be cooperative, so that when he looks back he will see me being nice & not turning it into a nasty fightl. I guess I think it might make me look good to him right now. It can be dismissed anytime & delayed for as long as need be. Texas is a no-fault state so 60 days & it's done. I know that I'm not the one filing. It's in his name & he paid the money. That way I know I'm not going against my heart. But if it being filed helps him in some way, then I'm glad to do it for him. I'm thinking also that maybe with the papers being filed, it will get him on out the door somehow, & I can start Plan B. And I think Plan B is where I need to be right now.



Yes, he is. I realized when we talked last night, that he'd never really started withdrawal until he found out she was seeing someone else. He says it hit him then how much he loved her & he'd been telling himself that he didn't care for her that much. He also told me that he'd told her once that he'd take back everything that had happened if he could just be friends with her again. But he says he can't do that. I told him that once you cross that line, you can never go back to being friends. He still thinks he can but realizes she can't. He's slowly coming to that on his own.



Other than filing the papers, I have no intention of doing anything else. It's all on his back now. He'll have to call for a court date & go before the Judge. And he'll have to keep up with when it will have to be done.

I did notice when we talked last night, that every time I seemed to get close to the truth about something or hit a nerve about how he thinks or feels about something, he would get sarcastic & kinda mad. Something I've learned from our years together is he does that when he don't want to admit the truth to me or look at himself & see his own wrong in something. His mother pointed that out to me several years ago.



You're so right. I'm just having a hard time not thinking about her, knowing that the D is filed & she's waiting for him. I'm hoping that with him out of the house, it will help.

Thanks for keeping in touch & thinking about me. Keep thinking good thoughts for me.

Guess what???

Got the call yesterday. He's been offered the job in Ft. Worth. But he's not going to take it. He gave stupid excuses.

He talked to OW 30 minutes on Monday & I know he called her yesterday. I asked when he talked to her last & he said he wouldn't answer that question. I told him that was answer enough.

I think he's finally accomplished what he set out to do. I beginning to think I don't love him anymore. It's either that or I'm having a breakdown.

I told him I wish he respected me enough to move away & let my heart heal. We had sex last night. Totally spontaneous. I read nothing into it except that he seemed to care a little. It was good & I thanked him for that. This morning I told him again I appreciated last night but I wish he would take that care & stop forcing me to watch him love someone else. He says I'm not asking too much & he knows I'm not enjoying watching it.

I found him a place to move to. He could live in the camper & just pay electric, which would be about $50 to $100 a month. Not much & that would be all the rent required. Says he won't go. Maybe I will.

I can't hold on any longer. I need time off & I can't take it right now. Boss is out sick & I'm holding down the fort. I need time alone to heal. I wish I could go live in a cave for awhile until it all passes.

I want to run away from the world for awhile. They say that when he can't hurt me anymore, the love is dead. He can still hurt me but I'm losing my mind. I'm losing me.

I never dreamed the man I married could turn out so cruel. But he's not the man I married. I know that. But why does he think I deserve to be totally destroyed??

He won't go???????? He is the one deserting the marriage, he really SHOULD go.

Yeah, he should. But to save what's left of me, I have to go.

I'm really losing it. They could come for me today with a straight jacket & I'd hold out my arms & say, "Let's go, I'm ready."

They could lock me away for months & I wouldn't care right now.

Oh (((Lost))), I feel your pain. I'm in Texas too. I did the same thing you did, I actually typed up our divorce papers and my husband paid and filed. The difference is I named myself as petitioner so I was able to non-suit it before it was finalized.

I am concerned that you signed a waiver. Was it a waiver of service only? Are you sure? Because sometimes a waiver is a waiver of your right to be notified of any hearing dates and basically saying, give him what he wants. If that's the case, he can put anything in the final decree.

I really wish that you hadn't filed but what's done is done.

I'm hoping that you didn't just file thinking that it would "wake him up." I'm hoping it doesn't backfire on you. By his filing, he's in the driver's seat.

The only out you have at this point is if he never follows up and the court dismisses it for "want of prosecution". He WILL have to present a final decree for the Judge to sign.

Do I understand correctly that you guys are not using an attorney? If that's the case, DON'T help him with anymore of the paperwork if you don't want the divorce.

You REALLY need to get into a strong dark Plan B however you can so you can begin healing and he can experience life without you.

(((Lost)))