pm,

Thanks for your concern.



Yes, it's a waiver of service & I agreed not to be notified of the hearing. But I'm the one typing up the final decree that we both have to sign. So it will be by mutual agreement.

I believe that if he'd take this job in Ft. Worth, our marriage has a chance. I can Plan B & be alone. But it seems he's gonna turn it down for the second time. Dumba$$ move, I know.

A job that pays more than $20/hour, insurance, benefits, retirement & he's gonna pass. And he thinks I'm stupid.



No, I didn't file it as a way to wake him up. I did it to save myself. I hope it doesn't backfire either. By that I mean I'm hoping he will move out so I can Plan B. I know filing for D won't wake him up. It didn't the first time so why would it now?

I just want a little peace so my heart can heal.

Oh lost, you must realize that you cannot make your H do anything. All you can do is control what you do - make a plan and stick to it.

I think that you should visit a lawyer to discuss your options. You are living with an actively wayward spouse, which is a dangerous proposition from a financial perspective. You need to be protected. I think you should also begin crafting your Plan B letter. What you should NOT do is to move out of your house. Don't let your emotions run the show.

PM is posting to you. Please listen to her regarding legal matters.

At this point, I would not lift a finger to assist your H in anything divorce-related. I would be hesitant to help him with anything, period. He does not seem to have your interests in mind. He needs to feel what it is to be without your support, which has been considerable. Supporting him is draining your lovebank and exhausting you emotionally. Something's got to give. Don't let it be you.

Take care.

PK

(((((((lost)))))))

He really seems to be sabotaging himself quite a bit .... lose his job, won't take another one, won't go to OW, won't leave ..... sounds like he's crashing pretty hard. I wonder what his "bottom" will be. Seems like he's got to be coming up on it pretty soon.



TOTALLY agree!!!!!

Even if it means you moving into the trailer for a while. Any bites on getting the house rented? In the papers you guys filed, who gets the house? If he won't leave on his own, I guess you could try to force him out legally, ask for a temporary order regarding use of the house .... I'm not sure that is the best move right now, though.

Your DD is still living in the house, right? At her age, she probably doesn't take much "caring for", but definitely needs the parenting. would she go to the trailer with you if you left? Or would your H be able to do the parenting that she needs? What about CS when one of you moves out?

One of the things SH told me to do when I was at this same point, pulling my hair out and bouncing off the walls, was to really, really detach as much as possible. He said to Plan A the kids, and keep interaction with my H as minimal and as arm-length as possible. Distant and polite as necessary, but try to minimize the amount of neccessary. No discussions, no meeting needs other than those that got incidentally met by taking care of the kids, etc. He even told me to try not to know when my H was coming or going. At the time, my H was blatantly carrying on his A, pretty much rubbing it in my face, and also wouldn't move out. It was a really awful time, and SH's suggestion was just a way to get through -- it's not a replacement for Plan A or B.

So it might help you a little. It's at least a little less crazy-making if you aren't trying to figure out when or if he's talked to her, where he is or isn't, what he is going to do, when, etc.

Might help you get through without ending up in a rubber room, at least for the very, very short term.

Hang in there. I'm sorry that you're going through this!

-AmI.

How's it going, lost?

Hey, lost.

Checking in.

How are you doing? What are you doing? How was Thanksgiving?

Thinking about you!

-AmI.

Hey, everyone!


Thanks for checking on me. I'm here but with the holidays haven't had time to get online.

Here's an update.

HOORAY!!!!! He took the job. He starts Dec. 10. We went this past Sunday to Ft. Worth & found him a place to put the camper. He's nervous & keeps trying to back out, but I don't think he will. OW is already making plans to go up there.

I have my plan B letter pretty much written. He'll find it his first night up there. I'm putting it in the bathroom cabinet in the camper.

DOUBLE HOORAY!!!!! After all this time, I found a bank to re-finance the house at payments that are more affordable. I take it as a sign from God that I'm not supposed to sell. We had an offer, but it didn't feel right to me. And the payments will be low enough that if I do go to Ft. Worth with him eventually, we can rent it out until we retire back here.

Don't have much time right now to say more than that. Will try to get on tonight.

Thanks everyone. Hope ya'll all had a good Thanksgiving. I'll be back soon!!

Bump for Lost!

Update please!

Okay!! I finally found my thread!!

Here's my update. WH left for Ft. Worth on Dec. 8. He talked to OW the night before. I found out & we talked about it. He tried to back out right up to the last minute.

I tried NC but we had to talk some about the bills. Sometimes good & sometimes bad.

On January 13, at 6:30am I got a call from OW telling me she was gonna call WH & break it off with him, she has someone new in her life. She asked me to go to him (he was in a motel in a nearby town) & like a dumbA I went. He lost it, scared everyone with suicide threats, blah, blah, blah. He didn't go to work or call in the following day so almost lost his job. One more write-up & he's gone.

He called me later the following week & asked me to come up there to visit & so we could talk. Then he changed his phone number 3 days later & didn't give it to me. He finally texted & gave it to me, saying he didn't want her to have it. But he's since texted her & she now has it except I hear she's changing her number because he won't leave her alone. I went to Ft. Worth on Jan. 25th. We had a good weekend together, talked alot of things out & I thought things would work out. He even talked about me moving up there & working for the same company. Not so. He can't get over her.

So we finally got the house re-financed & we sign the papers this coming Monday.

He's still convinced he loves her & won't ever get over her. But I did send him the book "Surviving an Affair" & he's reading it finally. I never could get him to read it before.

But now someone is telling him I'm seeing someone (which I'm not). Don't know how to handle that because it seems to make him angry. Monday, before 7am, he started texting me about how he doesn't know how long he can stay there, he has no motivation because what he wants (OW) is gone, etc, etc. I told him not to whine to me about her anymore. That I have never cried to him about losing a man I should never have had a relationship with in the first place (in reference to my EA 21 yrs ago). That ticked him off. I told him he was turning to me like he would a best friend & I didn't want to hear it.

So now I'm wondering what to do. I have gone without contacting him & then the side that loves him takes over & answers or texts him. Our divorce won't be final until May or June, when he is off job probation & can take off to go to court.

I let him come home for christmas & I shouldn't have but he acted like he really wanted to be there & was so good to everyone. I found out when I went to visit him, that he'd even gotten a phone up there so he could call her without my knowing about it. He cancelled the account when she broke it off.

Go ahead, hit me with the 2X4's. I deserve them. But I've gotten to a point that I'm not desperate to see him & I'm not even sure I want him back. But sometimes, like with valentines day coming up, I miss him very much & realize that I still love him. Kinda sad, huh?