No, Tony, this is NOT a recent development!

Who's the father of her kids? Why are you paying for their upbringing and not their father?

There's just 2 much missing from your story for me 2 say anything other than there's a lot of prior his2ry full of red flags.

You should be running, screaming from the room, not justifying her behavior!

Even if she isn't boning this guy she's been talking 2 for hours at a time on the phone, she's not committed 2 you, and she's not being a mother - or she wouldn't be having "girls' nights" out at the bar.

Do you have 2 cars? And are you driving the beater, the one paid for? If you want 2 make the transition back in2 the single lifestyle easier on her, leave her the paid-for car and take the other one. Then, either keep it for yourself or sell it and buy another thrasher.

You say she's paying the bills now? Good. Stay at your folks (or start looking for a place of your own), and if you absolutely must, date your GF once in a while (assuming she isn't busy bar-hopping with her friends). I'll bet she'll forget about you in pretty short order.

-ol' 2long

Oh please, this is the oldest excuse in the books - asking for space. Sheesh, you falling for that garbage??????? Excuse me, I gotta go hurl.


Do what? Of COURSE you want to be the MAN who doesn't trust his woman to be out with ANOTHER GUY!!!!!!! That one calls for an [censored] spanking and a fight if you are so inclined, or if not, hit the door running.

She is making whoopie on your time and you are finding excuses.

Two years is about the time the chemicals wear off and mommy starts looking for a new daddy for the kids - and maybe a bigger paycheck.

Get wise, get smart, lose the doormat you been laying on and bail. I am not going to go into bio-chemical details, no point. If you want to know, look up my old posts.

Yea, I'm being rough. See, I wimped a bit when my wife revealed that she had been cheating her [censored] off and with who and it wasn't until I got my balls back out of her purse that things turned around. Trust me, I have a padlock on those vital appendages now.

And you should too.

Larry

Or is it "Who are the [color:"red"] fathers [/color] of her kids?"

Razor...

As you can tell, these people get pretty fired up.

Dude... listen... she's got issues. I don't know what they are, I can take a guess and stab at sexual abuse or parental neglect...but she's made some poor choices early on in life. If I'm wrong... than I apologize...

She probably has many issues she has to deal with... and you two are on two different pages in life.

You can't help her, if she doesn't want to be helped.

If you do decide to stick this out, come to the realization that there's a boatload of betrayal and hurt coming down the pipe for you. It may or may not be worth it in the end. But remember, the longer you draw it out, the harder it's going to be when there are little ones involved.

I of course, could be talking out my [censored], but sometimes you just shouldn't jump to judge...and I am not the judging type. Good people make bad decisions. That's really a given, considering that most of us on this board have forgiven a spouse for cheating on us, or being the spouse that did the cheating... stone throwing shouldn't be allowed.

The other downside is you chose a Marriage Building site that has a history of not supporting relationship building unless there's a legal committment...and/or children of the marriage.

I hope everything turns out for both of you, either together, or apart.

Razor,
Another important distinction to make is that you reclaiming the car, phone, etc... is not YOU financially ruining her. Her own poor choices and disrespect of you are the cause of any potential financial ruin. By allowing this to continue, you are enabling her poor behavior so she does not need to change. With no impetus to change, there obviously will be no change.

Regardless of whether or not you have real proof, she is exhibiting all of the signs of infidelity. If you really need to catch her in the act, I don't imagine it will be that long before you do.

The responses here have been "tough love" so to speak, but oftentimes, the people outside of a relationship have the clearest view if its reality.

Based on what you have said, she is a mid 20s, mother of 3 who couldn't get a job due to drug use. Up until recently, you were the sole supporter of her and her kids, and she shows you very little gratitude and respect. If I were you, I would count myself lucky that I learned this before marriage, and would walk away without any qualms.

Good luck!

RAz, you made a bad decision getting involved with this woman. It would be an even worse decision to stay with her. She is just using you and is HARDLY marriage material. She just wants some stud to pay her bills while she cats around.

betrayedinjersey wrote:
Thats hardly a "downside." No one in their right mind should be supportive of a dating relationship gone bad. That is just simple common sense, and common sense is not exclusive to Marriage Builders, hopefully.

Which Mel reminded me; dating before marriage is a discovery process. You have now discovered. So what are you going to do with your discovery?

Larry

Razor-

AND.... let me throw this out there.... IF she decides to fault on the car loan, and the phone payment, which are in YOUR name (is that because she has bad credit????) YOU are going to be the one that suffers the consequences...

If you have a repo on your record, if you try to get a car, you are going to pay SKY HIGH interest. If she racks up a cell phone bill from [email]h@ll[/email], YOU are going to have to pay it off if you want to get service....

So you would be best off canceling the phone, and taking the car (selling it/taking it over).

You do not owe her anything at this point, she is the one digging her own mess, let HER find the way out of it. AND I can guarantee, it will be some other man who will help her clean up the mess.

I agree that you should RUN. If these are her true colors, you do NOT want to deal with it the rest of your life.

Unfortunately there are some people out there that have no qualms about using people as stepping stones. I think that she is one of them.

So, my advice: take the car, cancel the cell phone (whatever you have to pay to cancel the plan early WILL be worth it), transfer all of the bills OUT of your name... Take care of YOU.

If she wanted to work things out with you so much, she would NOT be going out, she would NOT be talking to another man, and she would NOT want you to move out.

Think about it.

Razor,
One more thing, and I hesitate to say it, but I believe it to be the truth, and since you came to a Christian website for advice, here goes:

The relationship you have with GF is wrong anyhow. God will not bless a relationship where you are just shacking with a woman. The principles which save a marriage, cannot save your relationship, because it is in no way, shape or form a marriage. It is a relationship not even sanctioned by God. You will be doing Him , the other woman, AND yourself a favor to leave, get away, and quit contributing to sin in your lives. If she continues to sin with another man, that is her sin, not yours. God has done you a huge service to let you see in advance, the even bigger mess you would be getting into. He has better plans for you, I promise.

setfree, to answer your question, my H is a former wayward and we are happily recovered.

Setfree - Let's keep the religious dogma out of this OK? This isn't a "Christian" site.

Dr Harley is a Christain as am I but this isn't a Christian Site - it's a Marriage Building site - and I agree this isn't a marriage. Harley's principles work just as well for all marraiges.

Alright...Jews...Muslims and atheists...time to hit the road!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That's great, Melody! I am happy to hear it.

Hey, I just got OFF the road! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Putting aside all the "God says" stuff, the statistics do show that there are good sociological reasons to NOT live together prior to forming a permanent relationship (getting M'd).

See http://www.leaderu.com/critical/cohabitation-socio.html

well looks like everyone here is right.. i really feel like i have been played for the fool here.. and taken for a ride.

I stopped by her place last night to get my insurance info for my car (BTW its a 2004 Pontiac GTO , for the poster who asked if was driving the junker) And it just suddenly became so clear to me.. its the ultimate tease and she is quite enjoyin it. its like you can see what you want right in front of you.. but you cant have it..when you try to just take it, it hurts even more. its a horrible thing..i ended up just having to leave.

we talked for a bit on the phone, and i really explaind to her what was up , and how im feeling , that basically she expects my help but isnt giving me anything in return , and that has to stop, its not somthing i can do anymore. she was getting quite upset the whole time.. telline me she is faithful to me , and isnt doing anythng , just trying to get her life back on track. but she just feels "numb" to everything right now. after about an hour of talking she had to go and get her son , and didnt want him to see her crying like she was. now i knew she had tickets to a concert last night as well , and she called and promised me when she got out she would call me and we'd work this out

well come 2 am.. im still up .. talkin to a few friends online.. and nothing from her so i text her a few times just saying ya know.. this is exactly what i expected from you. and you are once again showing a complete lack of respect for me and this "relationship" we have

at 3:30 am.. my phone rings.. i answer it.. she is saying she is just driving home.. im like wait a minute.. the bars close the latest at 2 am.. so i know you were somwhere other than at the bar.. and im pretty sure it was with this guy u keep talking to.. thats pretty messed up. she is getting very defensive with me, saying thats not the case and she just didnt get a chance to call..

at this point i have just about had it with her.. everything will be coming back to me including the car and phone.. she had a shot to come clean , and blew it once again.. hope the new guy has money. cause she is gonna be in a world of hurt in about a week with the rent due, and no job

i know hard times are ahead for me.. but i gotta stay the course and work through it..

Tony:

Aha! I should have figured out what the "04GTO" was about in your login name!

At the risk of sounding like I'm contradicting myself, I think you need 2 be a little more certain about your "intelligence" than it sounds like you've been. You are probably right - she was with "him", but your description of her reaction on the phone 2 you doesn't quite sound like someone caught in a lie, unless she's really good at it.

-ol' 2long

That's what friends and family are for...lean on them for awhile.

Tony, just a word of advice from someone who made many stupid heartbreaking mistakes, if she isn't good wife and mother material, if she doesn't make you want to be a better man and bring you great joy...don't waste you time.

And next time, don't move in with a woman with children. It is just too hard on and not fair to those kids. But I think you probably know that now.

Lesson learned.

I am sorry you had to learn it in such a paimful way, though.

So sorry you're hurting. You sound like a decent guy with a lot to offer...it's her loss...she should have treated you AND herself better.

sorry i should have eleaborated a bit more about it.. basically she was like im ok to drive now , i sobered up for a while.. now due to having her phone on my plan , i did see that the last call she made was at 1:30 am, so im assuming she left the concert and called someone around that time, so between 1:30 and 3:30 on a thursday night.. where did she go to sober up ?

basically when i talked to her after i left her place i was very blunt with her.. basically stating if she wants me to continue helping her with things.. she needs to give things back to me.. love and affection , if she cannot do that, then i can no longer help her. it is truly her choice now.

she just keeps telling me that nothing is going on , and the drinking for her right now is just a total escape from how bad her life is right now, it takes her mind off of all of it, i dont doubt its definitly a EA right now with this guy.. maybe not PA yet.. but it will get there over time. we talked a little bit today.. nothing to serious. but she is again goin out with her girls tonight.

on my hand i have a female friend of mine coming to hang out a bit. and i got a freshly fixed GTO to be crusin around in , if i see her.. i'll be watching to see who she is with , and what is going on.