Hi guys,
our recovery process was moving along ok, with bad days and good days and even a PARTY that we had planned before DD. Ironically, it was the best party we ever threw.

However, during all this time - post DD - the OW kept sending me msgs. I blocked her literally EVERYWHERE, to the point that I had to look into the trash (in Gmail) to see anything.

In all those msgs, she kept saying that she got HPV from me AND that she was pregnant. I have a hard time believing that; she has lied about pregnancy many, many times and I know she was on the pill during the PA.

My wife already called me all names and got very angry with me because of the unprotected sex. With reason. I was in a stupid trance and made the worst possible decisions. She says there's no way I could tell if she was really taking her pills.

But I also know the OW is terrfied of getting pregnant and she is old enough (25) to take the appropriate measures, IF this is true indeed (I don't think she is telling the truth: I see this as just another way to reach me and get in contact again).

I spoke to my wife at lenghth about it. We are doing some STD tests tomorrow morning and we have decided to keep full NC with the OW. I have respected this NC with my own life - I'm being 110% honest, always.

During this time, I believed that the OW didn't have our home address, since I didn't give it to her. Well, surprise surprise; she must have got it from someone at work. I believe the sales manager that used to hit on her did this last Sunday and a friend of mine stopped by and left two business cards. When I called him, he said she had a letter that she wanted to deliver IN PERSON to us.

This was Sunday. Saturday, she sent a msg saying "I forgive you, Luis. Don't worry about the kid. I'll leave you two alone. Go and be happy. Maybe you'll never see me again". This is not verbatim, but that's what we got Saturday. They way she talks about also points me to the pregnancy being a device and not something that's real.

Me and my wife were in shock when we learned that she had our address. It was like a nightmare. I favored calling the OW via Skype, along with my wife, and tell her to back off, stop lying or have an abortion, and that we would be going for a restraint order if she doesn't comply.

My wife was against that. She wants full NC and she also believes the OW is lying.

Questions:

1. Has anyone ever dealt with something similar?

2. Is full NC still the best course of action?

3. How is your experience getting restraint orders? Did you do it BEFORE or AFTER something happened?

This whole connumdrum has stalled our recovery. Any help / suggestions / opinions is appreciated...

Luis

If she is pregnant and sues you and the test shows you are the father, you will be hard pressed to get out of it. If she contacts you by any means other than a lawyer, ignore her unless she shows up on your doorstep, then call the cops before you open the door.

Maintain NC. No emails (don't read hers, close the account and open a new one to avoid even seeing them or don't even look in the trash for them.) If someone says they have a message from her, tell them, "No thanks; not interested; don't care."

Part of no contact is in never even wondering what she is up to. You can't care, wonder, worry or give a [censored] about what she is doing or how she is getting along without you. You have to reach a point where you live as if she does not exist.

Anything less leaves the door open and is unfair to your wife. Any mention of OW twists the knife in your wife's heart again and again until she can no longer take it and then you will be hearing from HER lawyer.

To avoid all contact I think you need a new email and ignore the old one if it can't be closed completely. Gmail is free for cryin' out loud. Get a new one! Then stop even checking to see if she sent you email.

JMO.

Mark

You had unprotected sex with this woman,and therefore the possibility exists that you made her pregnant.

While I think there is a good possibility that she is lying, there is also a possibility that she's not. If you have managed to create a child - however unwelcome - is that your response to her? That she should abort the child...because it's an inconvenience to you?

A child should pay with its life to save you from the consequences of your own selfishness?

TA

Luis....let me get this out of the way..IF the OW is lying she should back off and you should take legal steps to make her do so.

BUT...IF she is INDEED PREGNANT...you are a friggin dirtball. That's right Luis...kill a baby because you were too much of jerk off to keep you [censored] in your pants!....Great thinking. How about if we just decided to kill the person responsible for what has happened...it seems a little more fair, doesn't it?

You wanted an opinion...you got one.

Luis....
2 things bother me in your post.

you say
Don't even look in the trash of your email, don't be tempted to read what she has sent. If you truly want NC... change your settings so the mail gets permanently deleted.

you say
What sticks out to me here is the "and we decided.."
We? Did your wife have a choice? I mean, the whole concept (to me) of NC is for WS to "decide" NC and PROVE to BS NC.

another part of the OW is "old enough to make the right decision" What??? Does that mean YOU weren't "old enough" to make the right decision to RESPECT your marriage? and if you "weren't old enough for that" were you "old enough" to make the right decision and ahve unprotected sex with OW?

I am sorry for coming across harsh, but Luis. THINK before you say anything.

and c'mon man... NC is NC there is no "sort of NC" Talking to your wife about calling OW on skype? Why? IGNORE HER!!! You are not doing what I advised you to do in your other post.... and you are ADMITTING that right to your wife!!! NOW she's going to wonder about your promise of NC when she's not around!!!

Answers to your questions...
1. yes, although not personally, I'm certain members here has experienced a similar situation.
2. You are not thinking again and you are not showing your wife you can be trusted... again. NC is NC and why woudl it NOT be the best course? Please.... PLEASE explain your thoughts for even asking that!!!
3. RO's... I'm currently onthe recieving end of one. THEY WORK! GET ONE TOMORROW!! either before or after your STD test, but do it!!

this 'conundrum'... sorry Luis, you did this. Not OW. YOU are still letting her. Take ACTION and PROVE yourself worthy to your BETRAYED wife!!

Reality.... you have a LONG way to go my friend. The party wasn't as a success as you think it was. It was a distraction. Ask any woman, in public, they can put on a great game face. I'm proud of yoru wife for being able to for your sake. You haven't one the first battle I told you that you needed to win, in fact, I believe you made this war longer.

Get back on track and stop worrying/thinking about OW and concentrate on your wife!

"tough love" here Luis, but looks like you need it!

couldn't have said it better!!

Luis... get REAL with your WIFE and pull your head out of your @ss!

NOW!

If you wait too long... I 100% gaurantee your wife will be long gone by the time you finally do.

Luis,

I'm going to ask you something and I want you to think hard before you anser, if you answer. I want to ask this question because I noticed your post in GQ2 http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3324859

In this, even the title says it.. 3 days later. You can't possibly believe that in a week’s time you can fix 6 months worth of cheating, a possible baby of yours on the way, and talking to OW with your wife to back off is going to fix anything in your marriage.

You seem allot like I used to be in my 20s... not thinking things through, forgetting about the big picture. Living in the now. Not worried about consequences.

Tonight you post, 4 days after the above post. Saying how great a party was "best one we ever had" to use your words. I can't imagine that you can be that blind and narrow minded. And then comments of killing YOUR mistake to solve the problem? Again... not thinking things through. Granted it's not your concern about OW's feelings...but then again maybe they are...after all you did sleep with her for...how long? Oh yeah..6 months. But, killing a baby for reasons that you don't want to own up to... selfish. Selfish selfish selfish! You don't have to have a relationship with OW, but you sure better have one with that bay if it's yours! MAYBE you will be lucky and your wife will forgive you for that... doubtful, but some women do love their men so much anything is possible...

Ok.. My question.
Do you Luis, love your wife? Completely and unconditionally love your wife? She loves you... she's still at home with you. Stop reading this and go thank her right now for loving you. Tell her EXACTLY what she means to you. Don't get overbearing... just go tell her.

Quote:
________________________________________

'insert name here', I'm sorry for what I've done, I was stupid and selfish. I will not rest a single day until you can look me in the eyes and tell me you completely trust me again. Thank you for giving me the chance to prove to you that I can be the man you fell in love with. I am not worthy of your love for what I've done, but I will do all that I am able to so that I can be worthy once more.
________________________________________

Notice I didn't tell you to tell her you love her. If you do that, right now, she won't believe you. She'll go from thinking about your apology to thinking about what a jerk you are for telling her you love her. Saying it now means nothing to her, if you loved her you wouldn't have done this. That is what she will think if you say it. Remember Luis, you don't have to SAY you love her to SHOW her.

Now... after you go tell her that... ask yourself... do you?
Do you love your wife? Or is the excitement of OW what really gets your goat? Now that you've come clean so to speak with your wife about OW. Where's the excitement, the drama? It's in telling us.... 4 days later, that you have a.... stalker?

If you love your wife. Forget OW even exists. Period. No Contact is No Contact. If she's pregnant with your child, you will find out soon enough from a third party. Luis, OW no longer exists....

Go find something else to SHOW your wife you love her...
All the best,
TOMK

Luis

OW in my sitch said the exact same thing except that she said that she had HPV and that I would be getting it.

OWs thrive on the drama. It's what kept the A alive and it's what will keep her trying to contact you for awhile. If she is pregnant, you will find out soon enough. And if she is, you better man up and do what is right for that child.

You are keeping OW in your lives just by talking about her. Unless a cop is at your door or a lawyer is asking for your DNA, it's done. IGNORE her.

I am very familiar with stalking OWs. We finally had our arrested.

Again, unless the above happens or you are in danger...IGNORE her. Stop talking about her and concentrate on your W. She is suffering.

Luis,

You do need to have someone (your W or a mature person) review the info from the OW). NC on your part is good but ignorance when the OW is psycho is not safe.

Trust me, the OW in my case claimed t/b preggo 3 times and then had the gall to ask for $$ for her prenatal care. Well.... when I demanded prof, poof the pregnancy was gone.

So consider the following:

1. Get an RO.
2. Ask an attorney to look into getting you proof of pregnancy.

3. You and your W had better have plans on how to check on each other's safety.

This OW sounds like she is on a rampage and there will be more drama. You and your W must team together to know how to neutralize down to a tolerance level you can handle.

Am I saying the OW is lying? Yes, possible or she c/b telling partial truths. Hard to say but you can be prepared either way.

Who is your MC? Are you talking with Steve? If your W wants to talk with anyone else who has been through this kind of schtuff.... here's my e-mail address: **edit**

The name I gave the OW in my case is PBR (psycho babble rabbit), tell that one to your W, she might appreciate it as a name for the OW. You may have to call her PBR2 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

I whole heartedly disagree. No one needs to be in contact with this OW. Why subject his W to reading emails from OW for him? They both need to completely ignore her. If ANYONE needs to "review" these emails, Luis get another Gmail agccount and forget about your existing one, give the login info to a lawyer.

Luis needs to FOCUS on his WIFE, and FORGET OW. His Wife doesn't need to review OW emails and have salt rubbed in her wounds. NC. Means NC. I believe that includes no review of what this woman has sent in email. Why is she psycho by the way? All she did was fall for someone, perhaps known about the Marriage, and started a relationship. Calling her psycho defends her in some extent. She needs no defending. Luis is the one who screwed up. Luis is the one to fix this by focusing on his marriage, not a possible stalker. You only let a bully be a bully if you let them affect you. Ignore then and their powers go away too.

Don't forget Luis, you have a whole new day today to SHOW your wife you can be trusted. And another 24 hours to say I'm sorry.....

rinse and repeat!! EVERY DAY!

While your POV w/b the normal reaction, until you have actually dealt with a psycho OW, you will see that special tactics are required to stay ahead of her wacko ideas and their implementations. I have BTDT.

L.

I would suggest a no nonsense response from an attorney asking for proof of the pregnancy. Absent that, the attorney can provide a valuable service by putting the OW on notice that she is to cease and desist any and all contact with the WH/BS lest legal action be forthcoming.
There is nothing that would warrant a RO at this time. While the threat of one is used pretty frequently on these boards, RO's are not for this type of situation. If in fact the other woman has an STD or is pregnant, there exists a legitimate reason to be in contact with the OM (that does not mean that he needs to respond).
Luis is more interested in NC at this point not because it will help his wife but because he doesn't want all the details of his affair coming out. It doesn't require a lot of thought to look at his posts and see that here is a man that doesn't quite get it.

For now, Luis should come clean, grow up and hire an attorney to sort through the mess that has become his life. If in fact he has a child on the way, he should start working on the legalities of that mess as soon as possible (with the help of a lawyer). It's time for this little man child to realize what recovery will actually require...to stop acting as though at one week in, he gets everything because they threw a great party. Please!

I agree with MEDC 100%.

Regarding the RO, while in most cases physical harm has to be identified to file the RO, getting the complaint on file is important, especially if you can show that both you and your W isn't safe.

In my case, the OW claimed 3x t/b preggo. She threatened to have me arrested for spousal and child abuse (all made up), accused me of being a lesbian and having an A with my FIL. She even threatened to have me fired at work because she said she 'knew' people.

I called the police depts in my town and hers. I informed my son's school and my HR dept at work. I was given a separate parking space so that both my vehicle and I had safe or escorted access.

These were proactive safety measures. The OW & WS were at a motel less than 1/2 a mile from my work which was in a different town from where she lives and I lived. OW did this on purpose, to taunt me. I received what appeared to be a suicide statement from my then WS when in reality he was in that motel6 with the OW. Hm.... my instructions were to call 911 and the local police confronted him. She took off but her name is on record for the calls I made to all 3 police stations. At the end of the A, the OW filed false RO charges.

Do you see where this is leading? If you don't record her current events, she just because she is a woman, maybe able to steal you life away from you.

In our case the OW showed up in court with a 4" binder of copies of their e-mails along with cassette tapes of their phone calls, one of which she played to me on the phone. I am the BS!

You are the WS and you should expect the OW t/b psycho. Go protect you and your family. Talk to the police and see how to take protective action. They may laugh at you or help you but better to get it recorded.

Get an MC and let them know as well. More that know, the better you are protected. OW's craziness will be manifest. Just don't lose yourself in the process.

Btw, the false RO from OW was filed and charged. The temp judge ordered it against both of them for 3 years. Which was up this past Sept. This was as a safety precaution for both but now it is on H's record.

L.

Luis,
You establish 110% NC, NOW. If and when she has a baby she will have you served with papers and then you can commence with DNA testing to determine if it's yours. In the meantime. You have about 6 months to work on your M and get your recovery going. Write your NC letter with your wife. Tell anyone that talks to you about OW that you are not interested in any information and walk away. Focus on your M and your BS.
All forms of birth control have failure rates except abstinence and hysterectomy.

Take care of your wife, and if the PG turns out to be real send your wife here to the PG forum. Other BS's have been there before her and will help her.

FTS

Not entirely true!! Look at me... I IGNORED my wife completely while I packed my things to leave, refused to engage in any conversation with her let alone the arguement she was trying to start. That failed her so she called the cops saying I hit her once then threatened to kill her. none of that is true...and look at me. Arrested, booked, and facing up to 6 years in prision. Oh yeah.... the RO is in full effect too. no contact with her by any means (except through my paid lawyer now) yet she gets to keep antagonising.

It's all he said/she said... prrof of physical harm for an RO? Where's the proof in my case? There was/is NONE.

I agree with MEDC, RO's are tossed around way too easily. Something that was meant to PROTECT battered women, is now used as a tool to stick it to the other before they stick it to you.

I recind my RO plea.

Luis...... where are you Luis? Are we telling you things you don't want to hear? If you love your wife you should listen....

one of you will wake up sooner or later, if it's not you first, when you finally do wake up you'll see your wife has bailed on you.

Did you SHOW her you can be trusted today? Did you tell her you were sorry today? And mean it..

Hi guys,
Yes, I am here. It's weird; even with all this pain, we are still a very busy couple. I am mostly helping my wife at home now since I quit my job.

I'm not the immature child painted by some. I acted irresponsably, yes. I absolutely regret what I did. But I also don't believe that the pregnancy is real. At all.

"Luis, you establish 110% NC, NOW. If and when she has a baby she will have you served with papers and then you can commence with DNA testing to determine if it's yours. In the meantime. You have about 6 months to work on your M and get your recovery going."

This was the best advice here. The OW is trying everything she knows to break me and my wife. I told you guys she was manipulative!

I try to regain my wife's trust every day. I say I'm sorry, I cry with her. I gave her flowers, took her to a movie... I've broken bad habits of mine (stupid little rituals) and helped her during the day.

I'm doing everything I can for her. She looks fine on the surface, but I know how she's affected. Every day is a battle...

I got a lot of animosity here because of my last msg. Those two cards by my doortep COMPLETELY FREAKED US OUT. It was a major invasion of privacy. When I wrote that msg, I was still in shock.

I had to mention the party because I was gonna cancel but my wife insisted on it. We worked together the whole day, getting things ready. We saw friends, friends of her, my friends, that reminded us of WHO WE ARE. I learned that having friends around helps anyone to stay truthful to themselves.

I'm sorry if I have a different view of abortion. I'm a spiritual person but my belief supports the theory that the soul enters the both at the first breath. And, personally, I believe a kid should be planned. It would be irresponsable of the OW (if she's pregnant) to just go ahead and have a baby.

(I know, I should have used a secondary birth-control method. I wasn't thinking at all at the time...)

I'm sorry I'm the different one. However, it doesn't change the fact that I AM 100% dedicated to my wife, that I REGRET everything, that I'M GIVING HER LOVE 24/7.

Luis

As I originally said, 'in most cases an RO would require showing of physical harm'. Lying hasn't stop bogus ROs from being issued but if what you are saying is true, then reporting it for an RO or just to make a report is for the protection of you and your family. Don't lie, but don't sit idle and unprotected either. Do NOT do anything harmful or illegal that would jeporadize your family.

So Luis,where are you in this twisted mess? Working your way out or do you still feel your life being squeezed out?

L.

Exactly where is that convenient "spiritual" belief found? Fleshalonians? Or is it Luis's convenient philosophy 1:1

One more very important thing I don't think you quite fully grasp yet Luis. These things you are doing that have "changed you". Guess what.... you can never stop doing them. Ever. You are not being a 'good boy' until Daddy lets you out of the corner, you are being the MAN your wife deserves.

DO NOT begin anything you can not or will not continue to do the rest of your life with your wife. This is not penance for your misbehavior. Trust me when i say this... if you make it that long... years from now you will have a disagreement with your wife, you might say something or do somethign to trigger a memory...and the next words out of your wife's mouth will be that you betrayed her with this OW.

She may forgive, but she will never forget. If you stray from being the MAN she deserves....she will remind you in her own way that she has not forgotten.

I still think you have this notion that after x amount of time things will be AOK. But reality is, when YOU feel that way... you just might have won that first little battle I spoke of so many posts ago.

Keep true to your wife, You'll make it if you stay focused.