Good that he's working on that filter but frankly...asking you to just not HAVE negative emotions is a selfish demand and unreasonable.

You must have a safe place and a safe way to express emotions just as he must be able to express truthfulness without being mistreated.

The solution is to hand him back his dead cat when he puts it on your territory.

He is subtley DJing by "reading between the lines" of what you actually SAID.

So he has several LBs attached to that desire for a consequence free environment.

I assume that dishonesty has been a long term tool for him...this is characteristic in most people I know well enough to know that they have that trait not ONLY as a result of their affair.

TJ:
\
Holy cow, Pep, are you back??????

All Blessings,
Jerry

Oh yes- you are absolutely correct. He has been lying to his mother for as long as he can remember. She abused him severely when she was angry. So it was imperative to him that she not get angry... it is deeply ingrained behavior. It will take a long time and hard work to overcome. I believe he can do it, and I want to help.

Getting back to the subject of this thread, that is why I feel I must reward him for telling me that his old "friend" contacted him. That is something he would not have told me in the past- it is evidence of his progress.

I don't think hard questions about his past with her will be perceived as a reward. I don't think a NC letter to her would be a reward in his eyes. Thus, I am struggling with how to handle it without setting us back.

*THUD*

That was me, yesterday, when she appeared on my thread. I am so pleased to see her again.

You say.."Thank you for telling me the truth here..even though the information is upsetting and I will have some follow up questions I really appreciate that you have told me this."

You don't reward him by agreeing to limit your need for honesty..you reward him by allowing him to see that your anger does not mean the world is about to collapse..and you have your anger in a safe way.

You treat him like an adult and disallow the parent/child dynamic he is trying to [subconsciously I'm sure] set up.

Yes. That is exactly the kind of advice I was hoping to get when I started this thread. I'm having to relearn behavior just like he is, and I'm so nervous about saying the wrong thing that I get stuck sometimes.

Thank you Noodle- I will do this.

Update: Taking Pep's advice to ask tough questions, and using Noodle's wording, I had this conversation with my husband last night.

Me: "I'm feeling uneasy about JW's email to you. I know you just prefer not to respond, but I'm not sure if another approach would be more appropriate. It's hard for me to figure out what to do because I know so little about your relationship to her."

[color:"blue"] Him: "What would make you feel better?" [/color]

"I'd like to ask you questions about her. But I'm nervous about that, because I'm so glad you told me she contacted you. I don't want you to feel like I'm criticizing you, or belaboring the past. I think we're making progress and I don't want to set us back."

[color:"blue"] I don't want to backslide either. But it's hard for me to talk about her. I wish I could just forget that it happened. It was such a dark time for me. [/color]

I don't want to make you answer the questions if you don't want to, but I do want to feel better about this issue. It's worrisome to me. Can we brainstorm solutions that would be acceptable for both of us?

[color:"blue"] Well, I guess I prefer to answer your questions rather than send her an NC letter. I really don't want her to know that my feelings for her crossed the line. I also don't want her to know she hurt our marriage- that would horrify her. She is innocent- she only wanted to help.[/color]

Thank you- ok here are my questions:

When was the last time you saw her? [color:"blue"] About 5 years ago.[/color]
When was the last time you were in contact with her (before this recent email)? [color:"blue"] over two years ago, we exchanged emails. [/color]
Did she ever discuss any of her own personal problems with you? [color:"blue"] No.[/color]
How is her marriage? [color:"blue"] Wonderful. Exemplary. [/color]
Did you contact her more, or did she contact you more? [color:"blue"] Hard to say. I think I contacted her more. [/color]
Did she ever seem uncomfortable when you revealed personal problems to her? [color:"blue"] No. [/color]
Did she ever suggest that you should discuss these problems with me, your wife, instead of her? [color:"blue"] Yes. [/color]
Did you flirt with each other? [color:"blue"] No. [/color]
Was there any physical contact between you and her? [color:"blue"] No. [/color]
Does she still work for your company? [color:"blue"] No, she left several years ago. [/color]
What is your plan if she calls you or visits in person? [color:"blue"] I don't think she'd visit me because she doesn't have my address in the new building. If she calls, I'd be cordial but also tell her something general like "I've learned that it's best to refrain from personal discussions with women other than my wife." I don't want to make specific comments to her, because I don't want her to know she hurt my marriage. She really had pure intentions. [/color]

That's all my questions- thanks for answering them. Are you ok? Were they upsetting to you?

[color:"blue"] It's easier than it used to be. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this. [/color]

I'm fine; actually this process is helping me heal.

**************************************
After sleeping on it, and assuming his answers were honest, I don't feel that an NC letter to her is called for unless she continues to contact him when he doesn't respond. I believe in this case, the emotions were one-sided and it's most important for my husband to recognize and put boundaries on his own behavior. I see him doing this, and I'm really grateful.

I'm also grateful to all the people who replied to this thread. I feel alot better after working through it with him.

Thanks again everyone....
~Saturn

I agree. IF his answers were honest, this other person has done nothing to warrant a NC letter.

Let's just hope his answers were honest.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like progress to me! Good job, both of you!