Update: Taking Pep's advice to ask tough questions, and using Noodle's wording, I had this conversation with my husband last night.
Me: "I'm feeling uneasy about JW's email to you. I know you just prefer not to respond, but I'm not sure if another approach would be more appropriate. It's hard for me to figure out what to do because I know so little about your relationship to her."
[color:"blue"] Him: "What would make you feel better?" [/color]
"I'd like to ask you questions about her. But I'm nervous about that, because I'm so glad you told me she contacted you. I don't want you to feel like I'm criticizing you, or belaboring the past. I think we're making progress and I don't want to set us back."
[color:"blue"] I don't want to backslide either. But it's hard for me to talk about her. I wish I could just forget that it happened. It was such a dark time for me. [/color]
I don't want to make you answer the questions if you don't want to, but I do want to feel better about this issue. It's worrisome to me. Can we brainstorm solutions that would be acceptable for both of us?
[color:"blue"] Well, I guess I prefer to answer your questions rather than send her an NC letter. I really don't want her to know that my feelings for her crossed the line. I also don't want her to know she hurt our marriage- that would horrify her. She is innocent- she only wanted to help.[/color]
Thank you- ok here are my questions:
When was the last time you saw her? [color:"blue"] About 5 years ago.[/color]
When was the last time you were in contact with her (before this recent email)? [color:"blue"] over two years ago, we exchanged emails. [/color]
Did she ever discuss any of her own personal problems with you? [color:"blue"] No.[/color]
How is her marriage? [color:"blue"] Wonderful. Exemplary. [/color]
Did you contact her more, or did she contact you more? [color:"blue"] Hard to say. I think I contacted her more. [/color]
Did she ever seem uncomfortable when you revealed personal problems to her? [color:"blue"] No. [/color]
Did she ever suggest that you should discuss these problems with me, your wife, instead of her? [color:"blue"] Yes. [/color]
Did you flirt with each other? [color:"blue"] No. [/color]
Was there any physical contact between you and her? [color:"blue"] No. [/color]
Does she still work for your company? [color:"blue"] No, she left several years ago. [/color]
What is your plan if she calls you or visits in person? [color:"blue"] I don't think she'd visit me because she doesn't have my address in the new building. If she calls, I'd be cordial but also tell her something general like "I've learned that it's best to refrain from personal discussions with women other than my wife." I don't want to make specific comments to her, because I don't want her to know she hurt my marriage. She really had pure intentions. [/color]
That's all my questions- thanks for answering them. Are you ok? Were they upsetting to you?
[color:"blue"] It's easier than it used to be. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this. [/color]
I'm fine; actually this process is helping me heal.
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After sleeping on it, and assuming his answers were honest, I don't feel that an NC letter to her is called for unless she continues to contact him when he doesn't respond. I believe in this case, the emotions were one-sided and it's most important for my husband to recognize and put boundaries on his own behavior. I see him doing this, and I'm really grateful.
I'm also grateful to all the people who replied to this thread. I feel alot better after working through it with him.
Thanks again everyone....
~Saturn