Woo Hoo!

It looks like there is a new sheriff in town!

Perhaps the boards will begin to resemble what they once were.

Thanks Lux!

Throw some fuel on the fire, CN!! WOO HOO!

Mel, you have email.

I've been offline since yesterday afternoon. Looks like I missed a pretty good dust-up and the predicatable editing that followed. I don't see the new thread you reference, so I can only assume that it was deleted/edited, also.

It is a shame that we can't express/defend conflicting points of view, without the thought police's interference. I would have thought that this board would be all about addressing/resolving conflict, but it appears we're more about conflict avoidance.

BTW, I don't see us "IN" conflict, just a different perspective on what recovery means to each of us.

There really was no conflict. I think the mod just wanted to re direct the thread.

Your point yesterday Myrev was well understood. I saw your intention as not attacking, but merely raising a point. We all approach things differently though and reach people that are receptive to our methods. 2Long obviously has done a lot of good here and continues to do so. Even though some may view the situation that he deals with as being unbearable, others may look to that as an inspiration for their own lives. To each his own.

I think that is what you were trying to get across yesterday.

MEDC

BigPicture -

It sounds as if your wife is starting to realize and accept that no contact with the OM is needed.

I agree with Mr. Wondering about making specific plans of action to take when the OM attempts to make contact (dropping by the house etc.)

Also, it's a VERY good sign that your wife is allowing you to make LB deposits! Not many BS's get much opportunity to do that.

MR, medc:

I had written a long post 2 MR about "the pic2re" that I decided 2 move 2 JL's thread so as not 2 threadjack this one anymore than I already have.

I have no idea why JL's thread was deleted, but it was, and I don't have a copy of my post anywhere on my computer. I've asked the mods if I can be emailed a copy.

It 2 2long for me 2 write it 2 want 2 try 2 reconstruct it, but I think it would have explained what I've done about the pic2re in a manner that would be satisfactory 2 the skeptics.

-ol' 2long

2long,

I'm old enough and have made enough mistakes of my own to understand that I am more than capable of misreading a situation. What I read about the pic was too much for me accept in what I would view as a functional recovery ... but there appears to be "The Rest of the Story", so I'll await your efforts to reclaim your post before I comment further.

Back to bigpicture's issues ...

MyRev:

The mods helped me recover the post. It's on my "fanfare" thread.

Thanks,
-ol' 2long

Mulan,

Thank you for this post about choosing both OM and me. I can see this in her- that is not choosing one or the other but BOTH. Not acceptable. She swears she can say no to him physically. But I know the EA is ongoing. I intercepted some emails this morning that invited her to lunch. I headed it off by inviting her to lunch and reminded her that the other day she offered to have lunch with me everyday if it would make me feel better. She did just meet me for lunch. Yeah. But if I wouldn't have headed it off they would have. And during lunch I gave her this letter...

You are saying all the right things to me and doing all the right things with me (and to me:) ). I love it and you know how great our marriage can be with both of us doing it. But I also know your affair with BA is not over. Why else would you see him Thursday AND Tuesday after you have committed to us?

Even if the physical part is done (which it was still not as of just last Thursday and I still have my doubts about Tuesday) we both know the emotional part is still there. That puts our marriage in jeopardy. It also makes me FEEL scared and anxious every hour still that you will continue to “be” with him. I know he has been to our house many times... that you have had sex in OUR bed many times… in OUR home that I work to support daily with my hard earned wages and sweat and while confined to my office. That betrayal hurts deep. It makes me sick. He is too close to our empty house. That freaks me out seriously. Especially now that you are saying how much you want US. When you didn’t want us I expected it, but now I would be crushed and don’t know if I could go on with you.

Please try to understand how strongly I feel about this. With how close you are to each other daily, the fact he drives right by our house on his way to and from work, that you drive right by his work… these thoughts paralyze me and are still affecting my work daily. I spent all morning on this letter alone not working. 5pm never comes soon enough for me.

Even if you are choosing us, your emotions for him combined with his for you may be too much for you to make the right decision for US in the heat of the moment knowing that you can just lie about it and I would never find out. I know how tempting that is and that makes me very tempted to spy on our house. You cannot put yourself or our marriage in that dangerous situation ever again! Ever! Not at our house, not at his apartment! I hope for a day that you say you didn’t contact him at all in any way. Not because I don’t want you to have a friend but because of the way it makes me FEEL. What’s more important to you? My feelings or his friendship?

And if your relationship is just a friendship then he should and I want to be copied on all email exchanges and text messages which should be no problem for anyone because there are no inappropriate feelings expressed. Our successful marriage depends on us meeting each others needs in full, not someone meeting some of your needs and me doing others. Just like the flirting thing for me, I inappropriately allowed another person to meet that need for me. That was NOT ok by you was it? And I never did anything with her that approaches the frequency and emotion you have with OM. I should have brought it to you and we learned how to do that together. We have achieved this. You need to do that with me. That is what will make us ONE- forever!

When you asked me about my priorities Wednesday, the reason I said “being obedient to God” was because I know that helped me see the error of my former ways and gives me strength to make decisions to avoid sinful behavior as much as humanly possible. I want to do that for our marriage.

After she read the letter she was really mad, then upset, then said Well thanks for not having any faith in me and was getting all pissy. I told her I gave her 6 months to figure this out and she is getting impatient with me after only 17 days!? She said I haven't been to lunch with you in 9 months and this is not helping us fall back in love. I asked again for her email passwords and cell phone ebilling login.

She admitted two things to me 1) when we were not being intimate (but sleeping in same bed) she used to lie awake thinking about having sex with me. 2)she accidentally called him my name once during an argument they had. HA. sweet revenge.

We kept talking and we ended up in the car kissing to a favorite song. I asked her if he propositions her she could say no? Her: "Absolutely. I don't want him in that way anymore." Me: "And if I proposition you?" Her: "Absolutely!"

Last night she showed me her cell phone call to him again that was 3 minutes long. And she told me all about the email exchange they had yesterday that I had already read for myself. But I asked her if she had lunch plans with him today and she lied about it because her last email to him was "yes, when and where?"

Playing with fire I know. Plan B still a faint possibility.

HUGE BLAZING RED FLAG, bp. My WH did the same thing to me......4 times. But I did not know about MB or withdrawal or plan A or plan B so I stupidly trusted him and he did what it appears your WW is doing to you. I could have written your post yesterday, because that was my perception, too. But he had just gone further underground. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Read up on both Plan A AND Plan B. Which ever one is for you, more experienced posters will help you with the steps, but I'll cheer you on. I do know how you're feeling.

Ace

bp:

Well, I certainly got the way wrong impression from your post yesterday, then.

Question:

Why not call the Harleys?

If you really believe that your W intends 2 recommit 2 you and she's not just snowing you so she can keep the OM indefinitely, why not work with an expert?

This stuff is way "closer 2 home" (literally) than anything I ever had 2 deal with.

I mean that in a very cautionary manner.

And Mel:

My deepest apologies. I was wrong about this sitch.

At least it looks that way. It'd be nifty if I'm wrong about this reassessment.

-ol' 2long

It's such a roller coaster isn't it? Two steps forward and three steps back. There is a dynamic I've seen occur in these situations. It's where the BS becomes to the affair what the OP was to the marriage. When the marriage heats up again....sometimes the WS feels like their "cheating" on the OP and the "newness" is now back in marriage instead of the affair. Preparing for plan B is always a good idea....but you sound like you're managing your emotions pretty well....and Plan A is alot less risky than Plan B. Be ready but hang tight is MHO.

No apology needed, 2Long, thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok the A is not over I know, but can anyone comment on my letter to her? Each time I bring out some truth like this in a letter she cries. Isn't this the fog lifting somewhat? I think the guilt is starting to take hold. When I got home from work she planted the longest kiss on me. During lunch she said all she was doing was thinking of our anniversary. But thats not really true because she lied about his emailing and lunch invitation. But yesterday when she lied about his emails she came clean today with full truth.

The part today that I really needed was kept unanswered. it went like this

OM I wanted to know if you would come and see me at lunch?
WW: See you or to "be" with you?
OM: Well I said see me. I know what you are going through, its ok.
WW: we can do lunch, when where?

See I didn''t get the answer that she would give if he had asked her about "being" with her. Argh!

She did choose lunch with me over lunch with him too. And between them I guess they chose lunch instead of s-e-x. But its too close for comfort.

Here is a plan B question.. Do I need to present her with proof if I go to plan B? It won't make much sense to her if I just go plan B given her "bogus" status.

Present her with proof of what exactly?

BP, in my opinion, you are wasting alot of time pretending that something is not really going on when you know it is. You don't need her admission to know the truth. So it is a waste of time pretending like you believe her.

I think you should just tell her you know the affair is still ongoing and how much it hurts you. Tell her that your marriage does not have room for 3 people and you cannot live like this much longer.

It does no good to plead with or try to reason with a wayward mind. She does not use REASON, so you can see it does not work. And it makes even less sense to pretend like she is not having a flagrant affair while having her cake and eating it too. She has not chosen you over him. She has chosen BOTH of you, and has no motivation to give up either.

Just an idea...

How about calling up and interviewing a couple real estate agents to help you sell your home and get the heck out of dodge??

I don't believe recovery is possible in your current home because OM has tainted it AND he is too close.

Moving is necessary for your recovery and it MAY be a project that you and your wife can get excited about undertaking TOGETHER...(at least that's the way you present it).

I suggest you attempt to undertake this in an enthusiastic manner and not as a demand. If she protests, merely indicate, with a smile, that's it's kinda outrageous for her to expect you two to recovery in THAT house. OM's been in YOUR room with her, he drives by EVERYDAY and it's kinda far from work. Besides, it's not like this is your dream home you expected to live in forever (I hope it's not)...it's TIME to move anyway. No time like the present.

Mr. Wondering

I think Melody has presented a very accurate summary of where you are, BP.


Good advice. BP, you say:


IMHO, this is not the fog lifting, it is your wife manipulating you. And why not? It seems to be working.


BP, at this point, your wife is behaving selfishly. She is lying by omission when it suits her, in order to keep both fish on the line. You need to find a way to motivate her to cut the OM loose.

I really think that you should call the Harleys on this one. From what I understand, SH is very good at motivating a WS to recommit to the marriage. I wouldn't even think of beginning a Plan B without professional coaching.

Just my .02

PK

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Again if the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting as you? A marriage is not about 3 people. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volume about her lack of respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?