I still wear mine. WW and OM think that because they don't feel married she is not married and it is OK to be involved with my W. But it isn't OK and marriage is based not on feeling but on commitment. She can't just break up with me she has to at least divorce. I tried to explain it to OM. He does not get it.

When we are no longer married, i.e. divorced, I think I should give it back to her since it is a symbol of her vows to me. Do you think this is correct?

As a Roman Catholic, it may take time to get an annulment.

What do the Harley's say about this? Does someone have a quote?

DLK,
wow, you must be heartbroken about the recent news that your WW is pg. I am so very sorry. If it were me, I would do the Pariah thing with your ring and take a hammer to it.

I am sure you have your reasons for keeping yours on, but the blatant disrespect towards you has been going on for a long, long time...years in fact. I am just curious as to your thinking.

If you give it back to her, she's not going to keep it. Why would she? You have no kids to pass it down to, either and if she is "truly" with the OM now, I'm sure he would insist she dispose of it.

All the best,
Free

I took my rings off when the legal separation agreement was signed. He left his in my jewelry box. I would like to one day have them melted down and made into something, maybe a butterfly pendant or something to signify the change that I've gone through as a result of this nightmare. I'm not sure whether or not to include his ring or not. Any thoughts on this?

Include the ring, you'll get more to create with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What a GREAT question.

It was after making love with my husband around March of 2007 that I noticed my H wasn't wearing his ring, and this man wore it for 19 years, never left his finger..

He was mad at me because he had actually taken it off MONTHS (or so he said, but I find he exagerates just about everything he says) BEFORE...TO HURT ME. NO OTHER REASON.

I somehow deprived him of the pleasure of breaking my heart and not noticing. He spent more time yelling about ME NOT NOTICING than on WHY he took it off in the first place.

I don't wear my diamonds and such all that often (I work in construction) but I NEVER take off my wedding band.

First H said it was his boss who "wrote him up for wearing it" (Lie, I happened to run into "boss" at a party, and very casually brought it up...and he had no idea what I was talking about).

Typical for my H. H doesn't discuss, or vent, or communicate. And then he can't understand why I am hurt and depressed about our M. He just sulks, and pouts.And does things like that to get my attention and hurt me.

H HATES to feel guilty, but doesn't seem to FEEL that our problems are "OUR PROBLEMS".(I Have the problem LOL).

The day I saw he stopped wearing it, was the day my heart sunk and I realized how much trouble our M was in.


He started wearing it again, I told him I wanted him to...more importantly, I want him to want to also. Plan A has been hard.I am happy to report the band was on his hand when he left this morning.

Keeping a M going, making it better, is a daily thing. You never really get to a place where you are "DONE".

I am not in your situation but I feel the ring symbolizem of the ring is a very personal thing and doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. The question is how do YOU feel about wearing it? That is what is important, how YOU feel. Are you upset that it got lost? Are you feeling guilty because you don't want to wear it? How are you feeling?

Here is a little story about my parents:
My parents have been married for almost 50 years. I have seen my dad wear his ring a handful of times when I was a young child. He worked as a machinest and got it caught one time and almost lost his finger. It scared the (bleep) out of him and my mom so he only wore it on weekends. Then over the years he just didn't wear it. My mom's ring wore down over time and was advised to either have the whole thing redone or put it away. She wears her mothers ring instead. Both their rings are in my sister's safety deposit box. (she is the responsible one of the crew!)

WW took hers off a couple of months ago stating that she didn't deserve to wear it. She also took mine off at the same time. She said we should only put them back on when we deserve to.
Fast forward to New Years Eve.
While dealing with the fallout from MIL contacting OMW by phone, and blowing up the situation, WW went upstairs to the guest room to cry.
I followed her up to comfort her over the breakup with OM (still makes me sick to comfort her for this reason, but I do love her and need to be a safe place for her). At that point I got her ring and asked her to put it back on.
I told her that when she feels alone, and is having trouble dealing with her emotions, etc, that she can look to it as a reminder that I AM with her. That she's not alone. She acted surprised and said that she thought I would want to wait for some "significant" sign that things had changed or whatever.
I told her that the rings didn't symbolize the moment of hurt that she was in at the time, rather the love that I have for her, the vows that I made and still honor, and all the good that we have together. She cried and we embraced for quite some time.
The following morning she retrieved mine, and put it back on me.
May just be symbolic, but NC HAS been maintained from that point on (only 2 weeks, I know), but we are both still wearing them today.
My Wedding ring .02...

The last time I wore mine was at the PAWN SHOP.

I may be wrong but I think the rings represent the vows and the marriage. And I think that the same way it is wrong socially for an unmarried woman to wear a ring on her ring finger (unless she is a nun) I think it is inappropriate for someone married not to wear his regardless of the difficulty and behavior of the other spouse. It is out of respect for the institution of marriage, and of my marriage in particular, that I wear mine regardless of how well it is doing. Your married or not.

I’ve herd Dr Harley say that people make up all sorts of inappropriate vows for marriage, for example, “I promise to respect your privacy”, and so get their marriage in trouble. In the same way I think that the wedding ring is not a personal thing anymore than, say the decision whether or not to wear cloths in public is not a personal thing. It is a social norm to indicate the state of being married.

My WW removed hers and I knew that our marriage was in terrible trouble. She was in fact advertising that she was available!

I’m married, not divorced (yet), I’m not available. My WW is in adultery. I wear mine.

I get asked often why I keep wearing it. I tell them that I’m married. If they ask I tell them that my WW is married and in adultery and that adultery, is not a divorce.

I think marriage is a safety net, insurance of sorts and deserves respect. Sometimes is so badly disrespected that you get adultery or spouse abuse. Marriage deserves all the more respect and support and understanding, but not the adultery.

Before D-Day: WW would sometimes take her rings off for several days in angry protest. This always hurt me quite a bit. It always seemed to me disrespectful to our M and a line that shouldn't be crossed.

On D-Day: WW exploded. She removed her rings and gave them to me, saying a rather large number of hurtful things. I took my ring off, and kept hers. (Real mature of me, huh...)

D-Day + 1 month: WW claimed NC and committment to the M. I then gave her her ring back in a tender moment. But I didn't know then that nothing had changed. Still, I don't regret it. And in hindsight, I wouldn't have tried to 'punish' her by keeping the ring after she wanted it back.

At this time I didn't continue wearing my ring. I was committed to being faithful to WW, but I guess I wasn't sure if I was still committed to the M. Not wearing it was a symbol for me that the A hadn't been resolved. In hindsight I think it would have been better for me to keep wearing the ring.

A couple of months post separation: WW pawns her rings for cash, getting about 10% of their value. She starts wearing a cheap cosmetic ring on her hand.

A year post separation: We are Plan-Ding, but not divorced, waiting on the legal system. I noticed that I was thinking about an attractive single neighbor. I decided that wearing my own ring: (1) sent the right message to WW (i.e., we are married); (2) was part of not giving her any cause to worry; and (3) protected me in some ways.

I've decided it's best for me to wear the ring until the divorce is final. But I don't know what I'll do with the ring after that.

- WG

Has anyone else on this board been tempted to meet other WS because they "feel" their pain and like the answers the get to questions?

I really love my H, but it touces me how some of the men on here think, when I get so caught-up in my own sadness and start to think that ALL men just don't care. Obviously that isn't the case. Sometimes the more I read, the more I wish I could be in a different relationship with someone who seems to care about the same tings as I.

Especially the ring issue, or the wearing of a wedding band issue.

Do you mean BS rather than WS? With the exception of my one lifetime childhood friend, the majority of my friends right now are also BS's for this exact reason. In fact, the OWH in my sitch is among my closest friends right now. Only another BS can fully understand what I feel and what I'm going through. Before I was a BS myself, I had no idea what it was like and though I tried to be sympathetic to those who this was happening to, there was no way I could understand, until now.

Hey E...that sounds like a good idea. Not necessarily the whole mailing it to her thing.

This is something very meaningful to me. My wedding band has not been off of my finger since he put it on there at the end of the alter on 7/23/94. NOT ONCE!!!

I was actually just thinking today that I'd like to have his back. Just stick it in my jewelry box.

I got a new diamond for our 10th anniversary but have recently put my original back on as well (not really sure why).

After he left he kept his on for a while and I held out hope. I was devastated the day I saw it missing.

I know you are still married regardless if the ring is on your finger or not, but it is such an important symbol to me.

I honestly don't know when I will take mine off. My final hearing is 2/5. Technically I can take it off then, but I'm not sure when I will do it. It is going to be so weird. I've wore my diamond for 14 years, my band for 13 1/2 and my anniversary band for 12 1/2.

I read in one of my books (What to do when he says he doesn't love you anymore), I think...melt the gold down into a cross, exchange the diamond for another diamond. It represents Jesus and how he will never leave you!

I read something funny in Reader's Digest..."What to engrave on the inside of my husband-to-be's wedding ring? I turned to my sister and said, "I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me." Her suggestion? "Put it back on"!

I have both of our rings in a jewelry box. Someday I plan on having them made into a ring for our daughter.

Great question....I'm 6 weeks in to break up and 2 weeks since d-day....I haven't taken mine off at all. I also figure I'll wear it until a D is settled (hopefully that doesn't happen).

Eph, I like the cutting of the ring idea....that's good!

My WW hasn't tried to give hers back to me or anything, she hasn't been wearing it but still has it with her (living apart). I'm not sure if that's a good sign, or means absolutely nothing. I've wondered if she will wear hers again when she starts back teaching school tomorrow....just to diffuse any "rumors"???

I took mine off on D-day, back in September. I kicked him out the next day, because I had endured months of his disrespectful, despicable treatment of me, and could take no more emotional abuse. The topper was reading an email that day where he told his "we're just friends" co-worker, "I love you."

WH kept his ring off and on for a couple of weeks afterwards. It confused me. I didn't understand until later that he was conflicted. I had believed all his babble about no longer wanting me. I took the ring wearing as him playing mind games with me, to keep me hooked emotionally, so he could feel free to play and know he had a home to which he could return someday. Now I feel like an idiot who missed an opportunity to perhaps reconcile. But really, I was just so angry, I wasn't even sure I wanted the marriage at that point.

I never even considered putting my rings on again, until I was watching "The Story of Us" last week, and noticed that couple was wearing their rings even though they were separated. I dug around in my nightstand, where I'd tossed those things amongst my other knickknacks and found two sets. One set was slipped on my hand on our wedding day, and the other was purchased five years ago when my husband wanted to buy me a bigger diamond. I could wear my original set again, since I'm back to my wedding weight. The other set slid right off.

I pondered wearing my original wedding rings, as a sign of my commitment to my husband, to show him that I still consider myself married. But...ultimately I just couldn't do it. I decided he'd think I was crazy and clingy, when the reality is that I'm gaining back my wits and I'm pulling away.

Honestly, while I don't intend to date while I am still married, I like the idea of seeming available. It gives my ego a much-needed boost when a man flirts with me. Pile my near lifeless body with unrelenting 2X4's. I don't care.

I had our court hearing on the Tuesday.... was wearing my wedding ring until then for the most part.
When I handed my now technically exH his truck keys I had attached my wedding band to them. I'm thinking of asking him for his back. He did text me why I did that. We haven't talked about it yet. Don't know if we ever will.
Engraved in our weding band is "always".

Still

I threw mine across two blocks of houses after my EX filed. Gosh that felt great!!!

I quit wearing mine after the third false recovery. But I do keep it on a chain that I wear. Figured that was sort of like my M, just hanging on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />