you may imagine that if you just do (A + B + C) juuuuuuust right - you can turn your WW around

you cannot

all you can do is make yourself attractive

WW is not healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship 'as is' .... she is seeking her own level of immaturity with OM.

work on your side of the fence & make sure the kids are getting adult parenting - they hurt a ton that they don't tell you about because they can see how upset you are

make sure they know they can burden you with their concerns

My question is about my stepdaughter...

Because my WW cheated on her dad I think she is going to take this harder than the other girls... It's like re-living a bad dream for her...

I feel really bad for her and was wanting to let her come over. I talked to my daughters about it and they want to see her... WW wife says it’s OK…

The thing is... I know my stepdaughter knows what’s going on... my daughters might even know because they talk to the stepdaughter. They may not be saying anything to me because they want to protect me…

I was reading about a lot of stuff… Anyway here it is… I want to start taking dancing lessons… originally just for me but I think it would be a great thing to do with my daughters and stepdaughter. What do you think?

Go for it.

Great idea.

I spoke with my H about this

he said to tell you that it is likely WW dumped her sponsor because WW did not like what she was hearing from the sponsor

H said WW probably does not have a sponsor - and is not working the steps

H said to tell you that any sponsor will tell a newbie that they should not enter any new romantic relationship until they have been working their program for at least a year (even if there is no marriage or infidelity)

H said to tell you that if he learned one of the men he sponsors was having an affair, he'd take them out for a private talk and try to guide him out of that error

AA strongly discourages same sex sponsors - with the exception of gay AA'ers (my H's home group has a high percentage of gay members, so this issue is relevant for him)

I hope this helps

Did you mean opposit sex sponsors?

oops ... my poor brain

sorry

Pepper,
I'm so glad my stepdaughter came over...We had a long talk...she cried... she's HURTING...I feel so bad for her... She's re-living this...WW did same thing to her dad...twice... I'm the only one she's talked to about WW and OM... she's amazed that I know...She said WW wont change, she's hurt to many people and will continue to hurt people...she said she was relieved that she had someone to talk to about it...I am too...

You are one great step Dad

Thanks Pepper,


I'm trying to listen to you're advice. But its hard...You don't think I should do anything? Don't tell her I know...

I am doing things for me... It's the not doing anything for WW thats hard...

Stepdaughter said she was so mad she was thinking of leaving half way through high school and going to live with her dad in TX...She told her mom not to bring OM over to house, that if WW was going to see him do it somewhere else. WW doesn't listen... brings him over anyway...It's like rubbing her nose in it... She feels like she has no control over her situation...

This may have been the wrong thing to do but I told her she had other options besides leaving to go to live with Dad...
She's old enough or almost old enough to make her own descisions... I said if she didn't want to leave high school in the middle... and if she wanted to she could always come live with me and the girls... but I didn't pressure her...just offered... she said her dad would go bizerk...

10ft,

I'm glad Pep was able to be here for you today, because I simply had very little time to myself today. I got to church before 8 this morning and didn't leave till after 3.

I think suggesting that your SD stay with you and your girls is a great offer. Ultimately, it may be her dad that has to allow that, but I think the offer shows her that you, at least, care about what is right.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're doing well.

Mark

No it doesn't feel like i'm doing well... weekends are bad... At least durring the week I can keep my mind occupied at work somewhat... and I go the gym at work...

When I go to the gym its kinda like meditation for me... get's my mind off of everything...and I feel stronger... emotionally, physically, mentally...

And now the stepdaughter...I feel terrible... an epiphany of sorts... she always kept me at arms length... and now I know why... she was always afraid that I was just another guy her mom was with and wouldn't be here long... didn't want to get too close because she didn't want to get hurt...didn't want to see the same thing happen to me that happened to her dad...Well the nightmare for her continues...and mine has just begun...I feel so bad for her...

Unfortunately, your wife does not have a track record of building and maintaining healthy relationships.

She has been very destructive to those who love her.

The worst damage is to her child.

Very unfortunate.

(You changed your name!
I like it!)

Do you think there is there any hope for her or our marriage?

Yes. But not soon and not without more pain and suffering.

WW has not surrendered herself to God. She remains willfully 'entitled' in her mind to continue this course.

Hope and expectations are not one in the same -

You can hope - but try really hard to avoid expectations that you control the outcome of what her choices will be.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Have you read Mortarman's story?

It's very inspiring.

I'll see if I can find the link.

Bullet - the thing in italics below is from an old thread of mine - how to offer hope for recovery to the WS.

Your wife seems to be one who burns her bridges behind her ... maybe she has never considered she can be forgiven?

Anywho, take a look.

I cannot find one thread explaining Mortarman's story.

His wife's affair was horrible. Their kids suffered. Wife moved out but MM kept the kids with him. The affair lasted YEARS ... And divorce was to be final in a few days ... and guess what?

They reconciled, and they had another child !

Against all odds <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mortarman developed a PLAN & stuck to it..
Mortarman spoke to Steve Harley & together they made changes to the PLAN as the situation developed.
It was like a freaking WAR room his plan !

(Mortarman is military ... can you tell?)
A_MAZ_ING

Mortarman deepened his faith and that is where he went for the strength to carry on when all seemed lost.




Offering forgiveness and understanding.

by this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home

often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."

You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.

you can word it something like this:

All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I inderstand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.

Pep

I've seen this post... read it... It meant alot to me... With my wife being an alcoholic... and forgivness being one of the 12 steps... She said somthing about this... That she didn't know if she could be forgiven for all her disgressions... at the time I thought she ment her EX...

On the day she moved out... she left with the truck... then came back almost immediately... We talked a little... I told her I was sorry for neglecting her... (We havn't had sex in 7 months and didn't communicate at all the last 6 weeks.) She said she forgave me and that she didn't hate me... she was crying... and so was I...

Looking at your last post this gives me a little hope... And I think I have a new screen name...(as many times as I have changed you'd think I have a multiple personality disorder...LOL) Its appropriate for me and I want to tell you why but not in a public forum...

What branch of the military are you in?

Navy...