Hmmm I think it’s hard to tell when there’s success in plan A… you know… like the river and stone analogy. SD got her a$$ chewed by her mom when her dad found out… WW accused her of telling her dad what was going on… WW called her a traitor… So it doesn’t surprise me that WW is comfortable thinking that SD would not tell me anything… She didn’t anyway… I told her that I knew… she was amazed that I knew… she said her mom thinks she’s got me buffaloed. WW thinks that I have no clue what’s going on…


I’ve read the same thing.

And yes…. She’s a serial cheater…

You’re not the only one to say that… Others have said I should let her go… until she’s capable (if ever) of being a good wife and mother. And I may have to do that… I’m just not there yet.

How about exposure to AA and her sponsor. Meet with them and let her know that she has traded one addition to dull the pain with another. Maybe they will help her (or at least kick OM out if he is an AA member).

How do I expose to AA???

I don't know who her sponsor is or if she even has one right now.

Would AA really kick OM out if he's a member?

I'm pretty sure they frown upon that kind of thing.

I know they frown upon that... but that doesn't mean they'll kick someone out...

I’m currious why you said that. Can you explain further?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

How do you mesure success in plan A? The ending of the affair would be one way. But SAA says only about 15% of people end the affiar in plan A.

There is a carrot and the stick of plan A. With her moving out, there isn't much of a chance for you to meet her ENs, and she hasn't felt many of the consequences of her affair either. You need to subject her to more of the consequences, especially the financial ones. I would speak with an attorney and see what you can do to financially cut yourself off from her. I would at least consider legal separation, so isn't entitled to half your stuff from that point on. If OM is spending the night, that might preclude some spousal support that you might otherwise be on the hook for.

I've already talked to an attorney...

There is no legal separation in this state...

I'm not filing for divorce... I'd explain but... it's complicated ... In GW's words... It's strategery...LOL

Ok... I have another session scheduled with Jennifer tomorrow...

Three weeks... No Cigarettes...

Woo hooo...!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have a counseling session with Jennifer tonight…

I want to make the most of my time. So I want to solicit advice from everyone as to what questions I should ask…

Some of the questions I want to ask about are…

Exposure… When… who… etc…
Plan A time line… how long should I stay in plan A before I go to plan B?

Any other questions that I should ask?

Anybody???

Hi Amazin
I sent Jennifer a short timeline so that we didn't have to waste time in the first session going through the background. It had to be very brief as I didn't want to put down anything except facts, if it is just you then you should be able to add more colour. Send it to Laurie or Ellie and they will forward.

She's in the Philippines so the time difference may mean that she will not log in before the session but try anyway.

Oh and don't send as an attachment. We did one of these recently and she binned it!

Hope it goes well

Amazin....

Congrats on the cigarettes....How are you doing that btw???? I ask because it is something WS hates (always has...always will...major problem in our M.....major LB for him) and of course I do. I know I need to quit, I kinda, sorta want to. Ok, I do, but with all this "added" stress, I haven't been able to go longer than 3 days so far, and that with useing the patch. Uhgggg...well, now the cat is out of the bag, I should probably come clean on my own thread about this.....because if I don't lick this, my M will probably not R anyway..



Anyway, sorry about the t/j there...Good luck tonight with the appt. I wish I had advice for YOU, but I don't...except discuss the exposure thing with her.
Let us know how it goes.....

not2fun

I went to the doctor and got Chantix. I quit once before using the patch for about 30-45 days... (it didn't work so well)

I was surprized how well the chantix works... It got rid of the cravings... You have to be commited and you need to be aware of what your triggers are ... For me it's things like coffee, beer, driving in the car, stress, etc... Chewing gum and loli pops help alot too...

One of the things that the doc told me that I didn't know was that smoking contributes to depression...

One of the benifits of quitting is that now the dentist will give me the smile whitening stuff. They wouldn't do that while I was smoking...

That's what my MC wants me to do. I asked my DR. about it and she didn't think it would be a good idea at this time with all that is going on. She wanted it to be sucessful, and with the stress I am under, she was afraid of faiure. Imagine a DR. not wanting to help with quitting smoking...lol. Actually, she's a great Dr., its just that she knows me well and has seen in a full-blown panic attack and through all of the stuff I went through with my daughter. Of course, next time I see her (March) I could tell if I don't quit, i may end up D and have more panic attacks....lol..

Tell me about the side effects?? how much were you smoking before you did this??? I am about 3/4 pk a day, only outside, and not in my car. I am not supposed to at work (no smoking school district..), but there are those of us who go out to our cars to do it (I go with a janitor friend....)...go figure.....

I had concerns about trying to quit now too. For the some of the same reasons you expressed. Mainly stress... But I'm doing it... I just need to make sure stress doesn't cause a relaps.

I was smoking about 1 1/2 to 2 packs a day. I can't remember all the possible side affects... but the only one I've experianced is strange dreams... And those aren't that often or that bad. I took another medication before to help stop smoking. (Wellbutrin I think) And it gave me really weird dreams... LOL...

So far Chantix has made a huge diffence... I really didn't feel any different... but it has definately taken away the cravings...

OK… I just got done with Jennifer. I feel much better … And I understand my strategy much better now. I’m going to post it here while it’s still fresh in my mind and so I don’t forget what we talked about.

I asked about revealing the affair …

She said that was up to me… however, she has seen many instances where the BS has not revealed until going into plan B and it has had a “WOW” affect on WS… Very much like what LEXXY said.


I asked about a time line for Plan A and how long I should stay in plan A… She said it depends on the individual. Here are the guidelines I should use when deciding if I should go into plan B.

1. You can’t control yourself from Love Busting anymore.
2. You can’t function normally anymore… (You go to work but can’t get anything done, don’t clean house, not taking care of yourself etc...)
3. If what WS is doing is causing BS unbearable pain… (I.E. If WS & BS are “‘dating” on weekends and BS can’t take it anymore)

We talked a lot about the letters… and why… Jennifer said she likes this approach because it forces me to develop a skill and it forces me to write how I’m feeling. She said the overall goal is to get both of us on this path. (The marriage builder’s lifestyle) That writing the letters is kind of like selling this lifestyle to her.

Just looking at my notes here’s some of the things we talked about in regards to letters…

-Letters are supposed to reveal my feelings and how I want things to be.
-Offer her a type of life and a lifestyle change. Sell the change.
-Express that I want to be together but not the way it was before.
-I’m supposed to give her the information (The basic MB concepts) Reveal the things I’ve learned.
-Use some of these phrases…“Please take my hand”, “This is not as it should be”, “we both have made mistakes”.

I talked to Jennifer about the letters quite a bit. I am going to send all the letters to Jennifer first. She’s going to proof them and help me learn how to write them without any love busters. I’m supposed to read through the letters 5 times before I send them. They should be 2-3 paragraphs long maximum. And they should focus on insights (The things I’ve learned, MB principles) and selling a lifestyle.

She also gave me some subject matter ideas for 3 letters. Exceptional care/Valentine’s day, Lifestyle/MB concepts, and our tax return. (She suggested that I save the tax issue for later since it’s a fresh wound)

Comments? Insights? Feedback?

All are welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

wunnerful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Pep... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />