Your answer implies that they eventually change.

But I think my original question was... Are there people like her that live their entire life like that and never change?

I would think it would be very difficult not to change that lifestyle.... You would get very tired of living like that. It seems that if you didn't change you would go insane...

I always pray for all lost people - praying they choose a better way to live

I cannot give up all hope <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Amazin,

Sounds like a gloomy day all around for everyone, doesn't it?? Don't know what to tell you about SS though...not an area I know about. Of course, at the rate things are going around here, that could happen one day....

ok...I am sounding a little mundane...sorry....

Anyway, did you get your painting done???

not2fun

Yep... All done with the painting... I just need to take the tape down.

How about you ... did you get any further on your basement?


I don't know if gloomy is how I would describe it... but everyone seems to have had an interesting day...

The only reason I call him my SS is so that you all know the situation... He's my son...

My WW said that was one of the reasons she was attracted to me. Because I was raising 3 kids by myself and one of them wasn't even my biological son.

Amazin:

The information keeps accruing in favor of you allowing WW to stay right where shes at.

Which is out of your house.

There has been alot of independant Behaviors exhibited here. Both by you and WW.

But the discussions with your DD's is beginning to show you what life in your home was really like.

Not all that great. Blended families are always tough.

Everyone hopes for the "Brady Bunch" happy family, but rarely does it work out that well. Nor do non-blended families always have peaches and cream. But the additional stresses of blended families with the additional sets of Step-this and That, etc., creates other layers of stress.

The closer you get with your DD, the better off you are.

Your SS may benefit as well from being in your home. You asked WW for her thoughts. Leave it at that. And it MAY have been the camel that broke the back, but if it wasn't this, it would have been something else. Waywards will use ANY excuse to justify thier affair.

Continue to fight for your marriage, but this more realistic picture you get of your WW is beginning to give you the clear path you need to see out of this.

LG

Clarify please... What information? Do you mean based on what I've said so far that she needs to stay out of the house?


I concure... But just so it's crystal clear to me can you be specific?


I know blended families are tough. The funny thing is everyone... even step daughter sees the WW as the bigest problem in the family. My kids love the SD and want her to stay. Step daughter loves my kids and loves comming over. And recently SD and I have had a "breakthrough moment" we're closer than ever now.

Bump

LG ? anyone else?

Input ?

Since I seem to have writers block I'm going to post my letters here and let ya'll see them before I send them to Jennifer for her to critique.

After Jennifer sends them back to me I’ll post the finished product here so ya’ll can see the changes that she made.

This way we can all learn what it is exactly these letters are supposed to be like.

Here’s a copy of what I posted the night Jennifer discussed the letters with me.

We talked a lot about the letters… and why… Jennifer said she likes this approach because it forces me to develop a skill and it forces me to write how I’m feeling. She said the overall goal is to get both of us on this path. (The marriage builder’s lifestyle) That writing the letters is kind of like selling this lifestyle to her.

Just looking at my notes here’s some of the things we talked about in regards to letters…

-Letters are supposed to reveal my feelings and how I want things to be.
-Offer her a type of life and a lifestyle change. Sell the change.
-Express that I want to be together but not the way it was before.
-I’m supposed to give her the information (The basic MB concepts) Reveal the things I’ve learned.
-Use some of these phrases…“Please take my hand”, “This is not as it should be”, “we both have made mistakes”.

I talked to Jennifer about the letters quite a bit. I am going to send all the letters to Jennifer first. She’s going to proof them and help me learn how to write them without any love busters. I’m supposed to read through the letters 5 times before I send them. They should be 2-3 paragraphs long maximum. And they should focus on insights (The things I’ve learned, MB principles) and selling a lifestyle.

She also gave me some subject matter ideas for 3 letters. Exceptional care/Valentine’s day, Lifestyle/MB concepts, and our tax return. (She suggested that I save the tax issue for later since it’s a fresh wound)

Here's the first letter I'm going to send to Jennifer for review.


Mrs.Amazin,

I want to let you know that I very much want to have a new marriage with you. I believe that we can be happy, in love and together. I hope that you can believe that it is possible too. The way things are now are not as they should be. I know that we have both made mistakes and I want you back, but I don’t want us to go back to the way things were.

I’ve been reading a lot and learning new things every day. I know that one of the mistakes that I made a lot was to make independent decisions without you. This is one of the things that I’ve had an epiphany about. I do understand how destructive this behavior is to our marriage. I believe there’s a lifestyle change that we could make that would solve this and all the other problems we have. I can’t work on solving those problems by myself though. I hope and pray that you will take my hand and join me so that we can make a new life together that is full of love and happiness.

Love and peace,
Amazin.

Amazin,

Looks good. I would maybe take out the "we both have made mistakes" part. Too jugdmental if you ask me....otherwise, it's good.

Not2fun

I thinks it's true... Not judgmental...Or disrespectful

Anyone else have any comments?

WW hasn't made any attempt to get in contact with me for a while. I did send her an email this week about my son and she basically said she was "done".

Should I keep my distance and let her contact me first?

I havn't gotten a response from Jennifer yet... Makes me wonder if she's getting my letters...???

Amazin

Regarding your letter.

What I do see is that you are using the word 'we' when some of the things that are wrong are you, and your wrong thinking, that YOU need to change.

You need to own those things in that letter to your wife. And you CAN work on your issues by yourself, you don't need your wife to work on your issues.

Own them and change, you CAN do those things without her. You have to show her your changes, regardless. They will be permanent and part of you, no matter what.

Just my VHO.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks Miss M. Could you be specific? Cut and paste the line in a quote to show me exactly what you mean?

I know there are things that I can work on without WW. But there are some things that can't be fixed by me alone that we were both guilty of... Such as... independent behavior and not practicing a POJA. I think that was something both my wife and I were not doing. And that’s a lifestyle change that we would absolutely have to commit to in order for us to recover. Making independent decisions is something she has already indicated is a big LB for her. I fully own my mistakes... I made them and I'm willing to admit to them. But how can I change that without her to practice a POJA with? Understand? She's not in the house and won't talk to me right now... It's like she's plan B'd me. And that's what Jennifer said... She's plan B'd me.

I did get a response from Jennifer a couple of minutes ago... I'll post what she said in a few.

Here’s what Jennifer said about my letter.


Hi Amazin,


Your letter looks fine. You can send anytime. The only edit suggestion is to start with "Please understand that I very much..." instead of starting with "I want," and "Dear Mrs. Amazin."

Keep it up! Jennifer


I think Jennifer meant...

Start with "Dear Mrs. Amazin" instead of "Mrs. Amazin." And change the opening line to "Please understand that I very much want to have a new marriage with you."

I sent her a response just to get clarification.

well...did ya send it???? Just poppin' in to see how things are going.....Ummmmm....I think it is time for some "just because" flowers.....nothing too fancy, but sentimental....hmmmm...

not2fun

I havnt' sent the letter yet... I wanted some clarification from Jennifer first...

Flowers hmmm.... I don't know... she hasn't made any attempt to contact me. I don't know what to think about that.

Although... Her habbits seemed to have changed... I'm pretty sure she didn't see the OM last weekend... she spend it with her daughter and her female friend... And I havent' caught her at his apartment in a while...I'm not sure if she's still going to AA either...Makes me wonder if there's trouble in paradise.

Other than the 2 or 3 calls I missed last Friday, (and those could have been from my SD) my WW hasn’t made any attempts to contact me since she said she was “DONE” and that was on the 20th of February. Jennifer said something to the affect ... “She’s kind of plan B’d you”...

The only time I’ve tried to contact her since the 20th was earlier this week about my step son. She basically said the same thing... She’s DONE...

Should I be worried about her not trying to contact me?

I’m going to send my first letter to her work email tonight. She’ll have it in her “in-box” tomorrow when she gets to work. I was waiting for some clarification from Jennifer but I’m just going to send it.

Advice? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />